Help! Am I autistic?

[KorkiF]

Hello friends, I'm new to this forum and to the idea of being autistic.
I'm 22, married, and chronically ill with Fibromyalgia. I was heavily emotionally and mentally abused as a kid into my teen years which is why I am only just now realizing some things about myself.
I discovered autism while looking up some things about my overly hyper senses, which at the time I just thought I was being a HSP, and my dyslexia.
I saw a test for autism and took it just because. I scored high. It surprised me. My little nephew is highly autistic, non-verbal, and has many tics and can barely eat. And that's what I thought autism was. But I wasn't like that. I am sole caretaker for my husband who is missing his arms and legs, I'm a fully functioning adult, who drives, shops, and lives relatively normally.
But that test made me stop and think about why I was living normally. My older sister and mom bullied me into hiding my (I think) autistic traits.
Here's the problem though, I think I hide it too well? I've told the three people in my life I'm closest to and they blew me off, not saying anything rude, but essentially treating it like it's something I'd forget about in a week.
So here's where I need help, because I've taken every test I could find that seemed to be legitimate and score very high on every test, but I still can't convince myself I'm autistic because no one beleives me.
Here are some things I think might be autism in my life:
1- I am an incredibly sensory oriented person to the point where I have passed out from lights and noises being too intense for me when no one else even noticed that much, and I'm a ridiculously picky eater. We have a dog and most days I can't stand it if he touches me.
2- I struggled a whole lot in school even though I loved reading and learning and I made good grades, school made me break down very frequently. (I was home schooled)
3- I had what my sis and mom called "baby talk" whenever I got excited my whole childhood into my teens and they bullied me into stopping even though it was very hard and now I don't let myself get excited because I might behave "childishly". (I am working on healing from this )
4- I kept tons of notebooks full of facts about the American Civil War and US politics in my teens because I was obsessed with them.
5- I used to devour every encyclopedia and "fun facts" books from the age of 7 until I had to quit reading due to my health, but reading those kinds of things on the web is still frequent.
6- I cannot talk about how I feel EVER. I mean, not even a "I'm not OK". It takes so long for me to talk about it verbally but if you told me to write it down, I could write a books worth.
7- My dyslexia is really bad, oddly enough reading isn't an issue as much if I can read fast, but if I take it slow or the font is weird I struggle. Typing is hard, numbers are always flipped and messed up in my head, and I cannot for the life of me understand directions like left and right.
8- I get lost often to places I drive to all the time.
9- I am constantly fidgeting and as a kid/teen when I would stress out I would chew on everything, my favorite being paper. I skin pick a whole lot. Pretty often I'll bang my head on walls and hit myself.
10- I cannot live without a routine or schedule. I get so incredibly anxious and near meltdown if plans change unexpectedly and I didn't prepare.
11- I have to be on time. Like, to the minute. Or else I'll be incredibly stressed.
12- I see patterns and themes everywhere and for years I thought everyone did. I notice license plates and car headlights a whole lot, and could tell you if I've seen those exact headlights before and will remember a license plate or bumber sticker for days after seeing it. (I don't know why cars are a thing for me haha). I'll remember patterns on fabrics really well too.
13- if I don't get into my car the same way I always do I'll get frustrated, or if I do things out of order to how I normally do I'll get upset.
14- I didn't have crushes growing up and didn't understand attraction. I think the only reason I am married is because he was a soulmate and understood me like no one else.
15- my voice is unnaturally loud and as a kid it was even more so.
16- I had to practice to understand how to be social. I'd sit in the mirror and practice my reaction faces, I had to do a lot of trial and error to get how to interact with others to not make them feel "bored" or like I talked too much about myself.
17- I can't see faces in my memories or dreams, and if I haven't seen someone in five minutes there face is just blurry, but I recognize people really well anyway.
18- I can't maintain eye contact at all. I worked on it for years and finally I am able to make simple, quick contact, but the only person I can maintain for longer is my husband.
19- music helps me figure out what I am feeling like all of the time.
20- if I don't get up immediately to do what I need to do I cannot focus on anything else, even if it's just like grabbing a coke from the kitchen.
21- My favorite past time is to sit and think about how things work. Like a fan, a light bulb, a garbage truck, the aerodynamics of birds or cars, how buckets are made or basically anything within eyesight. Even though I took no form of science in school, figuring out how things work is like my comfort thoughts.
22- I can't watch any kinds of violent, intense, or scary movies/TV shows. Marvel and Lord of the Rings is as intense as it can get for me. I watch a ton of kids shows and movies, listen to movie soundtracks from kids movies, and will obsess over the characters.
23- I love soft stuffed animals, those squishy noodle things, cloud slime, basically any nice textures. They actually calm me down. I have this Keychain that has this really nice texture and it is like my favorite thing right now.
24- I react very physically to strong emotions, clapping/squealing/dancing for excitement, hitting myself/the wall for frustration, hurting myself (twisting/biting) when I am sad. But never in front of other people, only when I'm alone.
25- I have loved nature my whole life, for the textures and colors, the way the wind on my face felt, the water flowing between my toes, rubbing a soft leaf between my fingers, all those kinds of things.
26- I hated rule breaking as a kid to a ridiculous extent.
27- I can't stand like most clothes or shoes and unless it's comfy, I DO NOT wear it.
28- I am constantly aware of my face and body when around other people, how it looks and what I am "saying" with my body language.
29- even though I am really empathetic and will absorb your emotion in an instant, I can't tell what you're feeling based off of body language or voice tone. I've gotten better over the years but I sucked at it a whole lot as a teen and I'm still learning how to appropriately speak to others when I am tired.


So there you go. Please, if you have any insight or thoughts, for or against if I'm autistic, please share!!
I'm really tired of being in the inbetween.
Thanks!!
Korki

P. S. I can share my Raads score or Cat-q if needed

 

[Tom]

Everyone here will tell you we can not do diagnoses. We aren't mental health professionals, just people on the spectrum both formally diagnosed and self diagnosed. At best we can just make guesses based on minimal information and without the clinical training.

That said, my guess is yeah, probably.

I wanted to address something you mentioned in #1. Dogs have emotions and needs too. It's part of what made them the first domestcated animal. To reference your #23, they are actual living stuffed animals. Soft furry and warm. Studies show their positive response is greater to touch then just verbal praise. As far as germs go you want to be hygenic of course, but casual exposure has been shown in other studies to be helpful in developing a stronger immune system (Children raised with dogs have fewer illnesses, infections, etc.). And they give unconditional love. So I encourage you to try and get over your aversion and connect more fully with your dog.

 

[KorkiF]

Everyone here will tell you we can not do diagnoses. We aren't mental health professionals, just people on the spectrum both formally diagnosed and self diagnosed. At best we can just make guesses based on minimal information and without the clinical training.

That said, my guess is yeah, probably.

I wanted to address something you mentioned in #1. Dogs have emotions and needs too. It's part of what made them the first domestcated animal. To reference your #23, they are actual living stuffed animals. Soft furry and warm. Studies show their positive response is greater to touch then just verbal praise. As far as germs go you want to be hygenic of course, but casual exposure has been shown in other studies to be helpful in developing a stronger immune system (Children raised with dogs have fewer illnesses, infections, etc.). And they give unconditional love. So I encourage you to try and get over your aversion and connect more fully with your dog.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!!

I understand I need an actual diagnosis, but I just wanted to know if even my suspicions were justified.

And yes, I try very hard to connect with Miles (that's his name =)) but he's still quite young and very mouthy. And nothing makes me gag quicker than dog slobber. I'm trying hard to train him not to use his mouth as much since I want him to be a service dog for my husband, but on some more sensory days I can't handle his constant biting and licking. The good thing is my husband loves to hug all over him so he isn't without physical touch. =)

 

[Nitro]

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Welcome, @KorkiF . I wasn't diagnosed until I was 60. Well, yes, much of what you relate sounds like Autism, though we all present quite differently. My greatest deficiency has been to understand social communication and because of that I was isolated for quite a while growing up. That led to PTSD and I am undergoing therapy for that.

 

[Tom]

Dogs can be esasperating early on. Most of ours were mouthy at first and prone to play biting. One especially was very difficult to train not to want to bite. One strategy is to wear a study glove or have your hand covered when playing and allowing them to use their mouth, but stopping the minute the hand is uncovered. The idea is to allow them the gnawing they crave to do in a controlled way, but only with play surfaces and bare skin is off limits. I used a big red furry glove we inherited with a rescue but also several socks over the hand or the hand under a blanket, etc.

I understand the gag reflex. Certain things trigger that with me. Fortunately nothing a dog can do is in that catagory for me and I can sleep quite happily in a big pile of dogs slobbering, spitting up, passing gas and occasionally getting into huge multi-dog rumbles. But it helps that they are smaller then cats (I have 4 Chihuahuas) They are like my own kids (who slobbered, spit up, diapers, etc) to me and filled the empty nest void so nicely.

 

[Darkkin]

There is no in between with autism. Either you are or you aren't, but given the fact that you have family members on the spectrum, identify as an HSP, have sensory issues, and a variety of stims probablity is leaning profoundly toward you being autistic.

Autism is a neurotype. And learning to accept it and work with it is the first step. A book that really takes a close look at autistics who before diagnosis identified as HSP and with sensory sensitivities is The Divergent Mind. It is a good resource for individuals who suspect or know they are on the spectrum. It is a good starting point.

Also know that self diagnosis is completely valid within the autistic community. The community itself is as diverse in background and abilities as the autism spectrum itself. Akin to a herd of zebras, there are many similar patterns that identify the neurotype, but no two autistics are identical.

 

[Streetwise]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!!

I understand I need an actual diagnosis, but I just wanted to know if even my suspicions were justified.

And yes, I try very hard to connect with Miles (that's his name =)) but he's still quite young and very mouthy. And nothing makes me gag quicker than dog slobber. I'm trying hard to train him not to use his mouth as much since I want him to be a service dog for my husband, but on some more sensory days I can't handle his constant biting and licking. The good thing is my husband loves to hug all over him so he isn't without physical touch. =)

You're not going this but yelp in pain ,like a puppy ,if Miles bites you, if he's irritating hold him firmly and still ,like his mother would ,dogs need !to live in a pack for their sanity, so they learn to dog don't stare into his eyes look at him side on ,face to face staring is a threat,don't allow him to bite anybody who doesn't understand dog psychology ,I recommend Cesar millans videos on dog psychology

 

[Richelle-H]

A gracious welcome and may you find some understanding here.

That is quite a list you made there. It is full of a lot of things associated with autism and I share or have shared more than a few. I never suspected that I was on the spectrum until very late in life when I received a diagnosis in my early forties.

My thing though was being as unnoticeable as possible, at which I succeeded rather well. I never excelled academically, although I maintained and above average grade point average, mainly because I found school boring and challenging in ways other than training my brain to do math, read (I was already reading before they got to "See Spot Run"), or learn a profession.

You need to look into getting an official diagnosis if you can cope with it, but you should also stop stressing about it. There are many on the forum who are self-diagnosed. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone here, so pull up a chair and dive right in as you feel the need. It does not hurt one bit.

 

[ZebraAutismo]

Hello. Sounds like you defo could be autistic.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Hello and welcome.
I am not a diagnostician yet I can relate to some of, and can see commonalities in autism if that is of any help.
I was not diagnosed until 54 years

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Hello and wellcome!

Many of the things of your list are autistics traits, that is things that are comonly found in autistic people, but not enougth to define the condition.

As autism is a spectrum, and you have family in the spectrum I would consider you at least very close to the spectrum. Probably autistic.

Girls hide their symtoms way more than men because they are more social. Also girls tend to have more "inner" problems like anxiety and depression while boys tend to have more "external" problems like agression or heavy lack of social understanding. Thats one of the main reason many ASD1 girls tend to be undetected.

You can pay for a diagnose or just assume that you have many autistic traits and work on them using autism proven strategies (if you want to improve, if you want to vent no strategy is needed).

I let you here a link to a video of the diagnose or not thing. The channel is good stuf:

Some of the best info I have found is in autism books. Here in the forum you have a thread of autistic books and you can also search them in Google. Many are in electronic format.

And the best online support I have found is here.

If you need something more specific, just a ask for it. This place is full of very nice people.

 

[Rasputin]

Hello and welcome!

I was diagnosed at age 61, and I can relate to a number of items on your list. You very well could be autistic, considering other family members are on the spectrum. You should discuss with a medical professional if you want a formal diagnosis.

 

[KorkiF]

Thank you to each of you who replied!
I can't express how much all this support means to me, especially since even my family won't listen
I am thinking about getting an official diagnosis now to try and see what is going on and maybe have some comfort in know it's not just what I think but what is =)
I'll try and dig through some of the resources reccomended to see if I can't find some more answers!!

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome, @KorkiF.

If you are in the USA, see Autlanders, Thriving Outside of the Box: Finding Support Resources in the USA...

 

[Alexej]

Hi and Welcome @KorkiF

Do hang around the forums a bit and read some of the other posts about people on the spectrum and how they came to their decision as to whether autism fitted them as a diagnosis. (The search engine is good)

 

[Streetwise]

Thank you to each of you who replied!
I can't express how much all this support means to me, especially since even my family won't listen
I am thinking about getting an official diagnosis now to try and see what is going on and maybe have some comfort in know it's not just what I think but what is =)
I'll try and dig through some of the resources reccomended to see if I can't find some more answers!!

Get your medical records for aged 18 months upwards school report cards any records from a counsellor at high school ,hospital records ,anyone you knew from that age who isnt narrow minded to give their recollection

 

[Callistemon]

And nothing makes me gag quicker than dog slobber. I'm trying hard to train him not to use his mouth as much since I want him to be a service dog for my husband, but on some more sensory days I can't handle his constant biting and licking. The good thing is my husband loves to hug all over him so he isn't without physical touch. =)

That's how my husband feels about our dog - he goes into conniptions if she touches him with her wet nose! And the idea of dog spittle grosses him out incredibly, i.e. much more than it does me! He'll play with her, but avoid her tongue, nose and sneezing like it's guaranteed botulism!

Welcome!

 

[VictorR]

I don't really have anything to add (and there's lots of discussions in the archives that you can search for on pros and cons of seeking a diagnosis) but just wanted to extend a welcome to the forum.