Do you Really Have Friends???

[jsmb]

i used to think I've had friends but then i realized they don't were really my friends, they were so different

 

[ifightdragons]

This is by far the most interesting thread I've found on here...

Asking yourself that question - I mean REALLY asking yourself that question - can be quite a perplexing and bewildering experience. Do we really have friends? And if so, how conditional are our friendships really? Would they go to great lengths not to betray you, hurt you, stab you in the back? At the same time, would they go equal lengths to protect you, build you up and take your best interests into account?

If you're prone to bouts of paranoia, anxiety or panic attacks, don't delve too much on this. I believe these thoughts are all part of the general human condition and that all your friends, 'friends' or frienemies sometimes have the same exact thoughts about you

 

[Spinning Compass]

I guess it depends on how you define "friend". I think it is a word that has basically lost its meaning because it's been tossed about so casually. Perhaps we need a new word to describe those in-between relationships that are basically "people we know and get along well with, have shared interests, do things together but other than that aren't involved in each other's lives", relationships that are too strong to be considered "acquaintances" yet are not strong enough to be considered "friends" (or at least what used to be called friends). Most relationships these days are too superficial in my opinion to be classified as real friendship.

Here's an example. Back in October there was a man and a woman who died in an apartment complex fire. Nobody knew who they were. For several days their identity was a mystery and then the matter was dropped, pushed back for more urgent news. Fast forward a month later. I go online one day and find out--guess what--they now know who the couple were. She was part of a large vibrant community--lots and lots of friends--her daughter, WHO LIVED IN THE SAME TOWN, was telling reporters all about her mom and how close they were, etc., etc. A whole frickin' month later! I know that if I turned on the news and heard that an apartment complex where any of my friends or family members lived was on fire, I'd be on the phone trying to reach them, and if I couldn't I'd be jumping in my car and heading over there before the fire was even out to find out if they were ok. If they were all so connected, why did it take a month before the rest of the world knew who they were. I also noticed there wasn't much said about the guy who was living there.

To me, that is not friendship. That woman might have had a lot of people who knew and liked her but apparently she did not have anyone around who was willing and able to go the extra mile otherwise it wouldn't have taken so long to identify her. Of course, maybe there were other considerations I am not aware of, but on the surface it sure looks like a big disconnect between what her friends and family claimed and what their actions were.

 

[MoCoffee]

I could have been that woman very easily. I have a history of isolating myself for long periods of time, and my friends and family didn't realize it was because I wasn't doing well. I was very good at hiding my Anorexia and Social Anxiety Disorder. Now that they know I'm at risk, they are more insistent that I let them actually see me. My mother and daughter insist on seeing me at least once a week, even if it's just for a coffee. I, on the other hand, am not a good friend because I purposely avoid social interactions with the people who care about me.

 

[Yoshi08]

I could have been that woman very easily. I have a history of isolating myself for long periods of time, and my friends and family didn't realize it was because I wasn't doing well. I was very good at hiding my Anorexia and Social Anxiety Disorder. Now that they know I'm at risk, they are more insistent that I let them actually see me. My mother and daughter insist on seeing me at least once a week, even if it's just for a coffee. I, on the other hand, am not a good friend because I purposely avoid social interactions with the people who care about me.

I've had eating.disorders growing up too.
I enjoy having coffee with someone.

I made a pen pal with a friend in Florida. All my friends are online friends which makes me lonely that they live so far. But at least we can keep in touch this way. Its better than nothing.
We talk on Facebook sometimes too.

 

[Nestmc]

Yup, I have a bunch of friends that are weird and funny: a bisexual, two homosexual, a asexual that have social-anxiety, a girl with several depression issues and a childish boy who is hyperactive, I love them.

 

[checkered past]

No friends at this point in my life. I used to have friends when I was younger, but we drifted apart as we started having kids and going through divorces and remarriages. I don't have anyone I could call a friend these days, just my kids and my elderly parents.

 

[Ereth]

Yup, I have a bunch of friends that are weird and funny: a bisexual, two homosexual, a asexual that have social-anxiety, a girl with several depression issues and a childish boy who is hyperactive, I love them.

Any particular reason why you've chosen to identify your friends by their sexual orientations and/or mental health issues?

 

[Ylva]

An excellent question.

I have about three, and I rarely see any of them in person.

 

[supernova]

Friendships have to be on my terms and I have three friends who are prepared to accept that. Having arranged a meeting I can't cope with a sudden change of plan and I can ony 'socialize' for a certain amount of time. Not many people are prepared to put up with that. I also have a cousin who is the same as I am but she lives some distance away so we only meet up twice a year. Luckily I have a partner who is also on the spectrum and over the years we've worked out a way coping with each other's ways and not living together gives each of us space.

 

[Turk]

Hmmmm,
I find myself wanting friends, and then when people look like they want the job, the work of being a friend becomes to much for me. I suspect when I learn how to be a good friend, ill have good friends. I dont find having no friends a burden, but it is a lonely existence.

 

[theduckrabbit]

I do not have any friends, though I have in the past. In recent years my two close friendships were played out almost entirely via instant messenger. They were people i had known in "real life," but the intimacy and real communication was all over im. Sadly when after much pushing to hang out "like normal people" which i put off as long as i could, the magic was just lost.
I turned cold. We would have never become close, never really known eachother, without the internet, but i could also not switch gears and accept them in the context of real life encounters. Its sad but it is what it is.
I could write a goddamn book about it, but will say that we were using eachother, but mine was a much longer and more subtle con than theirs. I extracted their companionship to feed my need to not be alone. I loved them, but i did not respect their feelings or needs. Emotional affair is a way to describe it, and there are some similarities, but really so many differences. It is really quite depressing, they hate me now. I do not blame them but i miss the connection so much. I would do it again i think.

 

[HelloDizzy]

Most of my friends online are either Aspies or they are on the Schiz-Spectrum. Schizoids and Schizoaffectives. I love them.
In person, my one friend outside of my boyfriend is a severe Narcissist. He's been diagnosed with onset Schizophrenia but as of now, just NPD.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I do not have any friends, though I have in the past. In recent years my two close friendships were played out almost entirely via instant messenger. They were people i had known in "real life," but the intimacy and real communication was all over im. Sadly when after much pushing to hang out "like normal people" which i put off as long as i could, the magic was just lost.
I turned cold. We would have never become close, never really known eachother, without the internet, but i could also not switch gears and accept them in the context of real life encounters. Its sad but it is what it is.
I could write a goddamn book about it, but will say that we were using eachother, but mine was a much longer and more subtle con than theirs. I extracted their companionship to feed my need to not be alone. I loved them, but i did not respect their feelings or needs. Emotional affair is a way to describe it, and there are some similarities, but really so many differences. It is really quite depressing, they hate me now. I do not blame them but i miss the connection so much. I would do it again i think.

I am afraid to hang out with people in real life (apart from my best friend). Online, I do fine with people.

 

[S0093679]

Hi Undiagnosed I have an official diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, but it is incorrect. Im actually an Aspie and will be getting my formal diagnosis in the summer.

Im doing some dissertation research on misdiagnosis in Asperger's and other similarly presented diagnoses such as BPD. It seems fairly common to have been given an incorrect diagnosis of personality disorder rather than Asperger's.

As for friends, I don't have many, only three and I struggle with calling them friends. I have a friend from childhood, who lives many many miles away and we havent spoken for almost a year. I have a friend at university, who speaks to me when she wants something (I suspect she is an Aspie too). I have a friend who I see a lot, but she seems to always need something from me.

My best friend is my partner, and he is probably my only true friend that I have in the whole world.

 

[Nolan1971]

I had many in High school then lost touch with my 2 closest friends after getting married (foolishly I might add) then one passed away
in 2005 and the other is now 1300 miles away. I find it very hard to stay in touch with him since not being able to see him in 7 yrs.
My VBF is Butterfly Lady! :angelic: I'm working on 2 new friends I talk to but haven't hung out with yet Sheila & Holly who I hope to
have fun with when Butterfly Lady and I can't meet.

 

[Dario Visconti]

One very close friend from the same Department at the University, we met like 4 years ago. The kind of the guy that society labels as "weird", "loner" or even "loser", although NT. Trustful person that tries to understand my own "weird" way of thinking and acting. A little distant from others, doesn't fit into the crates that they set for everyone. Although we had our quarrels (and some pretty hard ones) and I fail to see his kind of humour for the most part, I do respect him and vice versa. What he doesn't understand is why I prefer to work alone most of the time but, at least, he shows respect. All others are more or less passers by and just fail to understand me as I fail to have a great time listening to their pointless discussions over stuff they know little about. And of course, when hanging out (sometimes twice a week, sometimes once a month ), 3 individuals at the most or else it's either boring or confusing or even both...

 

[Aspie510]

I'm a piss poor friend. Mainly because I'm hiding so many things about my personality and past that I no longer see eye to eye with anyone. Currently, I have one friend. My partner. She knows everything about me and is still here. I think I can manage to be a true friend back to her, but that's all I can manage. Taking on another human friend sounds quite impossible to me. I've certainly received a lot of overtures from other people who were great people. But, I just can't spare the emotions necessary to keep it together.

 

[Vanilla]

Yes and no.

I have a friend, who I started dating, then broke up with. We're still really good friends, but I don't know if that counts. I've also got a friend who I rarely see, as he usually agrees to things, then changes his mind about pre-planned social events (he does this with everyone, not just me).

My last 'girl' friend moved back to Malaysia years ago, and because my family spent all those years moving from city to city, county to country, my childhood wasn't exactly stable enough to maintain the the short-lived friendships I had made.

I suppose I need to make some more, but I'm working on it.

 

[CloudNiner]

Hello, I am not sure how old you are but I do know that it was way easier to make friends when I was younger myself compared to now as an older adult. I don't have the time to hang out anywhere nor the desire. My "friends" consists of family and old friends from the past, I really can't say that I have made any close friends in many years, so I can relate to you for sure. I like being alone, for the most part, although I do desire to have friends I find that what they talk about does not seem to interest me a lot, I wish it did. I was married for over thirty years and have been single for the past seven now, my husband and family were my life and social life. How do all of you cope with the seemingly bullying that people enjoy inflicting whether concious about it or not.