Do you Really Have Friends???

[wyverary]

I do have a few friends. My closest one I have known since elementary school and we've been good friends since middle school (we're in our mid twenties now), and for some reason we both ended up sticking around in the same town.

All my friends are in pretty much different circles, though. I prefer hanging out with just one friend at a time (two at most); the dynamics of larger interactions get really confusing and stressful.

 

[Daniel]

Haven't read through all the posts on here (I plan to do so later), but I would have to count myself as one of those who doesn't really have friends in the typical (i.e. neurotypical) sense. It takes most of my energy to be a good husband and co-worker. My family is far away, and as much as I love them, it doesn't really work for any of us to be all that involved in each other's day-to-day lives; however, that makes it much more special when we get together, catch up on things, and have honest, meaningful conversations.

The only friend I have who is really my friend is the one person who is comfortable with my friendship dynamic--as long as someone understands that I'm not going to reciprocate, they are welcome to reach out to me whenever they like, and most of the time I'll accept. But there are very few people who can do that. Once they put the ball on my court, it stops moving.

I hear about other people's lives and I wonder, how the hell do they have the time to do all that socializing? Then I remember--riiiiight...they don't have countless personal projects on the go like I do..

I really feel for all those out there who are isolated and don't have the tools to reach out and build relationships. I know I sure don't have those tools, and the only reason I'm not alone is that I got really lucky and met my soul mate (who is very Aspie-compatible) at a time when I was determined to try to change my ways and open up to people more after a long bout of depression.

 

[Undiagnosed]

I would imagion if I had a decent spous relationship and a job that would be enough human interaction and I probably wouldn't think about not haveing frineds. Or even just the partner part and some things we would do together without haveing a job might be enough.

 

[Soup]

@ Undiagnosed: That is exactly how it worked out for me. Any more human interaction (with adults) than I have at present would be far too much for me. Even what I have now is a lot on some days.

 

[smith2267]

I may have already said this, but I want a little more than I get.
I've been happier when I've had a RL friend to do things with on occasion. 2 would be the most I could handle, but 0 isn't good for me, in all honesty.
When I was in HS I had a circle of friends, there were 4 of us. that went well. We all liked to draw and we liked the same music,and we got high, so there was never any pressure to be phony

Sorry if I repeat myself, I blame the zoloft. and the fact that I am on several websites a lot

 

[Undiagnosed]

@ Undiagnosed: That is exactly how it worked out for me. Any more human interaction (with adults) than I have at present would be far too much for me. Even what I have now is a lot on some days.

Mabey time for me to start seroiusley seeking that partner relationship again. Thaf would probably haldp a lot.

 

[Soup]

Look for someone with compatible quirks.

 

[Undiagnosed]

Sorry if I repeat myself, I blame the zoloft. and the fact that I am on several websites a lot

I don't know if u repeated it or not Smity but I know I repeat sutuff all the time. Drives myt kids nuts.

You have brought me to another subject now Smith. You said u did get high. My kid likes to smoke pot. OK this is my position... I have nothing against pot other than the fact that it is illegal which I find absolutley ubsurd. I'm not a pot smoke becouse it dose nothing for me. I do oppose my kid smokeing pot becouse it is just the 'mom' thing to do. How i explain my position to him that I am not against pot but am against him smoking pot? I tell him he is not old enough to make the decision untill he is at least 18. I tell him he is not mature or old enough to take on the legal consiquesnces. I tell him he is too young to start to form a habbit. He says it helps him feel more focused. No matter what he says I must oppose. However outside of keeping my eyes on him 24/7 there is no way of keeping him from chooseing what he dose. He also has a friend group who all come from troubled lives/families. I try to see each person as who they are inside but no matter they still have certain bad influences around them that my son is exposed too by being friends with them. I mean my own family is disfunctional anyway but I cant change who his family is. I have tried to deture him from this friend group at times but he always boomerangs back to them. I have to wonder if it is that they are more accepting of differances than some people would be. As an Aspie teen pot smoker what is your prospective? Did you go threw these issues with your parentsf?...............by the way his age is almost 14

 

[wyverary]

Speaking as an adult who smokes marijuana on occasion (when I can get it, that is), I have to say that 14 is a little young to be smoking a lot of it, from a physiological perspective if nothing else. I do it because it it helps me control my emotions by stepping outside my head for a little while to reorganize my thoughts, and I think it likely that he is telling the truth when he says it helps him focus; however, adolescence is a sensitive time for brain development, and there is enough evidence that early pot smoking can have permanent neurological effects that it should be discouraged. I agree with you that it is better for him to start making these decisions when he is older. By no means does it mean he is a "bad kid"—probably quite the opposite, from what you've told us. I can't speak as a parent, but I think it reasonable to accept that you ultimately can't keep kids from doing everything you don't want them to do...so perhaps this is all moot.

I don't know if this post will prove helpful or not, but I thought I would offer my (decidedly non-expert) opinion.

 

[smith2267]

The big potential problem with an aspie smoking pot is:
Aspies are prone to being too honest and not knowing what is socially acceptable, so might be more likely to get in legal trouble ("yes officer, I have pot, but only a little bit.")
I smoked in some places that, in hindsight, weren't very smart, like at the bus stop or outside school.
So that is your biggest worry. Try to stress it to him that the legal problems could really mess up his life.

 

[Daniel]

I may have already said this, but I want a little more than I get.
I've been happier when I've had a RL friend to do things with on occasion. 2 would be the most I could handle, but 0 isn't good for me, in all honesty.
When I was in HS I had a circle of friends, there were 4 of us. that went well. We all liked to draw and we liked the same music,and we got high, so there was never any pressure to be phony

Yes, I agree--no friends is rough. I had a stretch where that happened to me, and I have a more severe Aspie brother who ended up in the same boat, but much, much worse. Kind of a cautionary tale for me.

I think it would be nice to have at least one friend who I could engage with creatively and also liked to get high to fuel it!

 

[Undiagnosed]

Speaking as an adult who smokes marijuana on occasion (when I can get it, that is), I have to say that 14 is a little young to be smoking a lot of it, from a physiological perspective if nothing else. I do it because it it helps me control my emotions by stepping outside my head for a little while to reorganize my thoughts, and I think it likely that he is telling the truth when he says it helps him focus; however, adolescence is a sensitive time for brain development, and there is enough evidence that early pot smoking can have permanent neurological effects that it should be discouraged. I agree with you that it is better for him to start making these decisions when he is older. By no means does it mean he is a "bad kid"?probably quite the opposite, from what you've told us. I can't speak as a parent, but I think it reasonable to accept that you ultimately can't keep kids from doing everything you don't want them to do...so perhaps this is all moot.



I don't know if this post will prove helpful or not, but I thought I would offer my (decidedly non-expert) opinion.

Thanks for the imput. I agree with you on everything. i guess the best I can do is try to deture him and hopefully that will keep it to at least a minimum if I can't stop it.

The big potential problem with an aspie smoking pot is:
Aspies are prone to being too honest and not knowing what is socially acceptable, so might be more likely to get in legal trouble ("yes officer, I have pot, but only a little bit.")
I smoked in some places that, in hindsight, weren't very smart, like at the bus stop or outside school.
So that is your biggest worry. Try to stress it to him that the legal problems could really mess up his life.

Yes and that sounds exactly like my son. That's the kiinda thing I worry about with him. At almost 14 hi is only recentley learneing to lie in cases where it will get him out of toruble. I just asked him a couple weeks ago..,'were you trying to skip out on your after school suspencion?", "yea", he automaticaly replyed without giveing it a thought.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I have friends on this site and a few from another site.
In person, I have a boyfriend. I hang out with his brother a little. And then I have my bff Chris, who goes to the local college and has no friends but me.

 

[Daniel]

@Undiagnosed, re: the 13-14 year-old smoking pot...

That's pretty much when I started, myself. To me, smoking pot is a huge responsibility. If you want to enjoy it positive effects, you need to know what you're doing.

Hats off to you for raising a teenager, regardless of the outcome; it's far more than I could ever do, and I consider myself a pretty mild, high-functioning Aspie. My parents hated that their kids smoked pot in the house, but damn, we were a defiant bunch! And we were miserable, numbing ourselves because we couldn't function in the world. I see that now. I can't really offer parenting advice, only my experience. I've known a lot of teens who smoked pot, and heard all kinds of stories.

A girl I knew went to work stoned out of her gourd, eyes red and squinty, and she got sent home because it was so obvious. They sent a memo around to all the employees detailing the store's drug policy, and she was really embarrassed. I use eyedrops if I'm going out in public afterwards. My short-lived university roommate got busted by cops in the same spot on campus in a two-week period. I remember coming back to my dorm and passing a security car (the 5-0, we called them) with someone in the back, only to find out later that it was him. Another friend of mine, at sixteen, got busted twice by the same cop within a year in the same spot in a fairly busy area downtown...man, you do not want to have a cop know you on a first name basis!

Every once in a while in my town I'll pass teenagers on the street, openly smoking joints in public, and the smell is obvious. That's called being a heat score. You're just asking to get busted, and that's the ultimate buzzkill. Nothing worse than getting your stash or your paraphernalia confiscated.

The kids from my high school who became heavy smokers early showed signs of being a burn-out, and it's hard enough going through life being an Aspie without walking around like a dope. I kept my grades up, and still participated in activities. At least in my case, being high helped me get top grades in university--but because all I had done was get high and focus on my own interests, I was damn near unemployable after I graduated, and wound up working minimum-wage retail.

To me, if someone is going to smoke pot, they'd better make sure they make something of their lives. I've had to back off myself because I'm out of shape and I can't exercise regularly if I'm getting high.

I don't regret anything (time only goes forward, after all), but I think of the thousands of dollars spent on intoxicants, and I think of the other things I could have done with that money. I certainly wasn't thinking about the future!

 

[Pusteblume]

I mostly have online friends and I prefer it that way.
I only have one person I feel like I can really talk to (but other friends would probably let me, just me not feeling comfortable with that) and he is not a "real friend", he is a person who gets paid to help me with ADL-stuff (litteraly translated: housing aid). But we have become much clocer then this kind of relationship should.
When my friends needs to talk, they usually turn to me, the same goes for my family. I'm a bit like the "private therapist" to most of my friends and family.

 

[Gomendosi]

I may have addressed this elsewhere before, but things change… except for my lack of friendship it seems.

I have no flesh and blood friends, though acquaintances I have in abundance, I know a veritable throng of persons but none of them is a friend by my own terms. I tend to know a lot of shop keepers because I can talk to them over the course of a purchase or whatever, and then engage them in further conversation if I want to practice, but at any time I can break off and flee if necessary, so I am always safe that way.

If anybody becomes a friend, and my definition would be deliberately seeing that person away from their job, eating with them, ringing &/ or TXT’ing occasionally, seeing one another’s homes and families and generally going places and doing stuff together, whereas an acquaintance is someone whom you run into occasionally, mostly by accident, you may go to lunch or whatever but not according to any set plans. You’ve probably not been to their house or have only ever visited them at their place of work. You only know them through other people. You don’t have their number.

So if somebody becomes a friend it usually ends up being a bad thing, I mean, I tend to be a little excitable when I first develop a friendship with a person and that can be misconstrued as affection or more, I like to do things for, and give things to my friends and that leads to being taken advantage of usually, even by “nice” people. People also often end up amusing themselves at my expense as well after a while, they do or say things I don’t follow and then I have to explain my lack of social acuity, and people apparently get bored with my ‘uniqueness’ after a while it seems, like me being different is too much hard work for them or something.
The other problem is that after I get to know a person well enough, they become comfortable with me and so they lose the pretences, drop their guard if you will, and let me see the real them. This tends to kill things from my perspective more often than not, as suddenly I can see that they have been guilty of false advertising from the start, whereas I have been honest about myself throughout.
I have a guy at the moment that swears we are besties but he only ever visits to extract from my hard drives more TV shows and movies, and when I really need to talk to someone he has to do something for work that day or with the family or well, whatever, you know. I also had a friend not that long ago, of the female variety, and she tried her wiles on me and was confused when they didn’t work, eventually I realised what was happening and I explained why, so then she changed tactics and tried again, obviously I was confused and asked her then to explain if she liked me like that or not, and when she said no I said to stop playing games and be friends or just leave me alone… she got upset at that. Friends wouldn’t do that to each other!

I have a theory that people consider friendship a means to an end, unless it advances or enhances their life in some way they don’t need to know you. Think about it, most of the people you know now will be an introduction through someone else or due to a mutual interest, which is to say, basically due to a kind of attraction of some sort. A friendship is like a sexual relationship without the sex and has to be cultivated and kept alive in much the same way, but if you introduce sexuality it becomes something else. Like, I can easily be friends with a female because I think differently from the majority of fella’s they will know, but the female I am trying to be friends with usually can’t accept that and therein lies the trouble.
Really, any relationship, but friendship more so, has to weather expectations and suppositions being put on it from the other party, people will make assumptions regarding your level of commitment, your intentions, your honesty, your worthiness and more, they will essentially put on you the things they think you are wondering about them, and I simply cannot play those games to that extent or at that speed.

If somebody is nice to me I am like a happy puppy that was scolded recently, I remember what it really means to be befriended but the kindness being directed at me overwhelms my tiny mind and blinds me to the true nature of the average human, it’s like I know I will be scolded again but for now I bask in the attention of having someone need me and want me and desire my company, my knowledge and outlook on life which are found to be intriguing. After all, we all want to be accepted, so we fool ourselves into thinking that this time it will be different.

 

[Undiagnosed]

@Undiagnosed, re: the 13-14 year-old smoking pot...

That's pretty much when I started, myself. To me, smoking pot is a huge responsibility. If you want to enjoy it positive effects, you need to know what you're doing.

Hats off to you for raising a teenager, regardless of the outcome; it's far more than I could ever do, and I consider myself a pretty mild, high-functioning Aspie. My parents hated that their kids smoked pot in the house, but damn, we were a defiant bunch! And we were miserable, numbing ourselves because we couldn't function in the world. I see that now. I can't really offer parenting advice, only my experience. I've known a lot of teens who smoked pot, and heard all kinds of stories.

A girl I knew went to work stoned out of her gourd, eyes red and squinty, and she got sent home because it was so obvious. They sent a memo around to all the employees detailing the store's drug policy, and she was really embarrassed. I use eyedrops if I'm going out in public afterwards. My short-lived university roommate got busted by cops in the same spot on campus in a two-week period. I remember coming back to my dorm and passing a security car (the 5-0, we called them) with someone in the back, only to find out later that it was him. Another friend of mine, at sixteen, got busted twice by the same cop within a year in the same spot in a fairly busy area downtown...man, you do not want to have a cop know you on a first name basis!

Every once in a while in my town I'll pass teenagers on the street, openly smoking joints in public, and the smell is obvious. That's called being a heat score. You're just asking to get busted, and that's the ultimate buzzkill. Nothing worse than getting your stash or your paraphernalia confiscated.

The kids from my high school who became heavy smokers early showed signs of being a burn-out, and it's hard enough going through life being an Aspie without walking around like a dope. I kept my grades up, and still participated in activities. At least in my case, being high helped me get top grades in university--but because all I had done was get high and focus on my own interests, I was damn near unemployable after I graduated, and wound up working minimum-wage retail.

To me, if someone is going to smoke pot, they'd better make sure they make something of their lives. I've had to back off myself because I'm out of shape and I can't exercise regularly if I'm getting high.

I don't regret anything (time only goes forward, after all), but I think of the thousands of dollars spent on intoxicants, and I think of the other things I could have done with that money. I certainly wasn't thinking about the future!

My son dosn't think about the future. He thinks moment to moment. I mean literally dosn''t plan a day, let alone the future of his life. That's with or without pot, and before he ever smoked pot. He also can barley make it in school and thtas been always, with or without pot and before he ever used pot. I already have a hard time seeing ow he is gonna make it in life. He is very awkward, haphazard, spacy, and jusst sorta unawair of things. And by that I mean with or without pot and before ever useing pot. I don't know what e will do?

 

[Daniel]

My son dosn't think about the future. He thinks moment to moment. I mean literally dosn''t plan a day, let alone the future of his life. That's with or without pot, and before he ever smoked pot. He also can barley make it in school and thtas been always, with or without pot and before he ever used pot. I already have a hard time seeing ow he is gonna make it in life. He is very awkward, haphazard, spacy, and jusst sorta unawair of things. And by that I mean with or without pot and before ever useing pot. I don't know what e will do?

Damn... pot is going to make things worse. I don't how you get through to a teenager like that. I hope you have access to resources to get professional intervention of some sort. I'm sure you know he needs a lot of help. I wish I had an answer!

Young people in general have little regard for consequences, and no consideration for the future. I like what smith2267 and wyverary said--he needs to understand that there are consequences. I guess you'd have to just keep hammering away at that.

I have tremendous respect for you for undertaking the responsibility of being a parent!

I just thought of this... Is there a Big Brothers program in your area? One of our friends recently signed up to be a Big Sister. She was assigned to a girl, about 14 or 15 or so, who has a lot of developmental problems similar to Asperger's or ADHD (can't really do school or look people in the eye), has few friends (who don't take advantage of her) and generally has a difficult time getting through life. I don't remember all the details, but having someone to talk to who is there specifically to be a positive, guiding influence seems to be helping tremendously.

My wife also had a Big Sister from around the same age, and she was really grateful for the experience. She was able to hear advice better from a Big Sister because it wasn't from an authority figure. The people who sign up to do it seem to be very strong and caring. That was nearly twenty years ago, and they still keep in touch.

I don't know if that's an option for you, or if it would help, but it's something! Hell, that might a good thing for parents of isolated Aspie youth in general... gives them a structured, one-on-one situation with someone they can talk to openly without fear of judgment or reprisal.

 

[Undiagnosed]

Damn... pot is going to make things worse. I don't how you get through to a teenager like that. I hope you have access to resources to get professional intervention of some sort. I'm sure you know he needs a lot of help. I wish I had an answer!

Young people in general have little regard for consequences, and no consideration for the future. I like what smith2267 and wyverary said--he needs to understand that there are consequences. I guess you'd have to just keep hammering away at that.

I have tremendous respect for you for undertaking the responsibility of being a parent!

I just thought of this... Is there a Big Brothers program in your area? One of our friends recently signed up to be a Big Sister. She was assigned to a girl, about 14 or 15 or so, who has a lot of developmental problems similar to Asperger's or ADHD (can't really do school or look people in the eye), has few friends (who don't take advantage of her) and generally has a difficult time getting through life. I don't remember all the details, but having someone to talk to who is there specifically to be a positive, guiding influence seems to be helping tremendously.

My wife also had a Big Sister from around the same age, and she was really grateful for the experience. She was able to hear advice better from a Big Sister because it wasn't from an authority figure. The people who sign up to do it seem to be very strong and caring. That was nearly twenty years ago, and they still keep in touch.

I don't know if that's an option for you, or if it would help, but it's something! Hell, that might a good thing for parents of isolated Aspie youth in general... gives them a structured, one-on-one situation with someone they can talk to openly without fear of judgment or reprisal.

Yea the professional help is probation and I'm afreaid they will send him to a boy's facility that will not understand the way he is and take his ways for being disrespectfull i.e. not responding properly , not looking people in the eyes with they speak to him etc. and I'm afraid of how that would turn out for him. I have heard no so good things about that particular place in general and I'm afraid he's gonna get himself sent there. He actually tells me pot helps him, makes him feel more focused.


He has two real life older brothers who a like night and day compaired to him. The are both level headed, responsable, always been mature for their age. Never had problems in school with grades or behavior. My son who is next oldest is suposed to be a senior in hight school this year but he is in his first year of colledge instead. He is Extreamley goal oriented and Driven. He got mostley A's with an occasional B threw middle school and hight school and took all the hightest honors classes he could for colledge prep. He was a high acheaver in band (durmmer) and pretty much in everything he dose. He started planning for colledge when he was in middle school and saw his older brother go threw the graduation process. He has his own place now that he works on remodeling in between school and jobs he dose. And he is also a pot smoker, started about 14 or 15. My oldest son also smokes pot and he seems to do fine in life. He can pretty much decide what he wants to do and make it happen and has never been in any legal trouble. My Dad is a life long (since teen) regular pot smoker and is like in his sixties . He has always worked at the same place since he was a sinior in hight school (supporting a wife and three babies). The place sent him to training to be their electrician and he makes one of the top pays in our area for someone who did not get a proir colledge degree. So I don't know how to really take the pot issue. Just from some of the people I know it dosn't seem that its the pot that's the trouble. I don't know anything about the statistics or efects of pot and even if I did I know how studies always seem to have opposeing studies that say the oposite so I don't know how to take it.

 

[Serendipity]

I have a lot of acquaintances, but only two or three really close friends. I wouldn't have it any other way, to be honest. Two or three people I know for a fact would have my back when times got tough is a lot better than a huge group of people I only speak to every once in a while.