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Do you Really Have Friends???

Undiagnosed

Well-Known Member
I read a lot about Aspurgers and visualized people who don't have many friends. I am one of those people. Right now I would say that I don't have any friends really. I mean like anyone I could call to talk to if I really needed something, or who would call me if they needed to talk. I could call my sister or Mom, or sometimes my ex husband or one of my sons. When I was younger I had some "friends" I could hang out with or talk to , but really can seldom think of a time I had a genuine commetction with someone.

Reading posts on this site I have noticed a lot of talk about friends. So do u have a lot of friends? And am I on the worst end of that aspect of aspurgers?

I have been diagnosed in the past with avoidant personality disorder. Do u think that is a misdiagnosis that should have been aspurgers, or something in addition to aspurgers?

I have also had cronic depression since I can remember , but didn't know it was depression untill I was almost 30. The way I felt was just all I knew as "normal". But that dosn't really expllain anything.. people that are depressed can still have friends.

I also suspect I have undiagnosed Borderling personality disorder..... but again still dosn't say why I can't seem to have friends.

Just trying to understand whats "wrong" with me.
 
Only internet friends at the moment. Sometimes I have a real life friend, sometimes I don't.
 
You aren't alone by any means! I hang out on this forum with the people here. Outside of that, I do have a husband (also an Aspie) but no friends whatsoever. I don't say that with any regret; I don't want any & I'm content with the way things are.

You seem to have blended in here seamlessly, Undiagnosed & you fit right into the Feng Shui of this forum very well!
 
O Good. Thanks Soup becouse if thats so it will be the first time I ever fit in any group, and I am 44 years old........... that is I never felt that I fit into anything.
 
I don't have any friends whatsoever. I separated from my wife 3 months ago and haven't had a single visitor. I'm very close to my brother, but he lives 3 hours away.

I would like friends, I really would. However, I'm not sure I even really understand the concept of friendship, let alone how to get good friends.

It's a shame, 'cos I'm pretty sure I'd make a really good friend.

(Incidentally, it's "Asperger's".)
 
I am sort of with you Divron about not sure I understand the concept of friends.

When I started this thread I had just read a comment from a guy who said he had about 200 really close friends. that sort of threw me.

Did you find that you wanted friends when u were together with your wife also? I find that when I am in a relationship I don't have or keep friends. But when I am single I get very lonley and try to do something to crerate some kind of human contact.
 
No friends here, other than my partner. It doesn't bother me, although I sometimes wonder if it is odd. I don't really like to talk much, so there doesn't seem to be much point in socializing, I guess.
 
This would be a response for my son, If anyone ask him he has friends lots of them. But his idea of a friend is saying hi every so often or if he has ever had a talk about something with a person then they are a friend. I ask him if he has any friends he would like to invite over and he just says no I am fine. He did have other boys over when he was younger, but he has found it to be stressful as he is very particular and like things a certain way even playtime. His father allows him full control and I tend to make him share the way of play. Now when a friend would come over they want to just play and the setting changes quickly one minute its army men then dinos then tag and Jacob just cant keep up without getting frustrated and that leads to him crying. So for the past year he doesn't want any friends over at all. He does play with his little sister and that is because she follows him around and will do whatever he does. But I can see that coming to and end soon because she just started pre-k and is learning to be a leader of the game and he is now starting to push her away.

How does not having true interactive friends make everyone feel? I ask because my son does not tell me he just says no I am fine mom. I like it this way and I always wonder should I push more for friends over? Or just let him be?
 
I am very comfortable without any close friends. I have people I like to talk with but it would be too much work to cultivate and maintain them as "friends." What would be the point? I like them. I enjoy talking with them but what extra things are there that I am missing? There are none that I can think of. I will likely move back to Minnesota in the spring and when I do it seems highly unlikely I will maintain any contact with my Chicago friends.

(If I were to meet a woman who I became intimate with, that is something very different.)
 
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This would be a response for my son, If anyone ask him he has friends lots of them. But his idea of a friend is saying hi every so often or if he has ever had a talk about something with a person then they are a friend. I ask him if he has any friends he would like to invite over and he just says no I am fine. He did have other boys over when he was younger, but he has found it to be stressful as he is very particular and like things a certain way even playtime. His father allows him full control and I tend to make him share the way of play. Now when a friend would come over they want to just play and the setting changes quickly one minute its army men then dinos then tag and Jacob just cant keep up without getting frustrated and that leads to him crying. So for the past year he doesn't want any friends over at all. He does play with his little sister and that is because she follows him around and will do whatever he does. But I can see that coming to and end soon because she just started pre-k and is learning to be a leader of the game and he is now starting to push her away.

How does not having true interactive friends make everyone feel? I ask because my son does not tell me he just says no I am fine mom. I like it this way and I always wonder should I push more for friends over? Or just let him be?


How old is he?

I am very comfortable without any close friends. I have people I like to talk with but it would be too much work to cultivate and maintain them as "friends." What would be the point? I like them. I enjoy talking with them but what extra things are there that I am missing? There are none that I can think of. I will likely move back to Minnesota in the spring and when I do it seems highly unlikely I will maintain any contact with my Chicago friends.

(If I were to meet a woman who I became intimate with, that is something very different.)


LOL.....OOOO... I love your reply cuz it sounds so much like something I wold say.... or would think but not want to say outloud.... And I would think something was wrong with me.....(of coursse you have to consider I have spent most of m life feeling this way yet never knowing of Asperger's.... jut thought something was 'wrong' with me)
 
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Well, I have a girlfriend with whom I talk regularly. It's a long distance thing even, so I don't see her daily or so. Once or twice a month or so.. and it works fine.

And I have a few people in my social group. All aspies (either diagnosed or undiagnosed), but from all of those, there's one I see regularly, twice a week or so for an hour. Mostly we end up going out for a midnight walk and sometimes we end up grabbing a snack some place.

The other ones I see maybe once a twice a year, quite often just by running random into them and at some point either of us is like "hey, you should stop by sometime". That annual hangout is enough for us, heh.
 
There are a lot of people I call "friends" for the sake of social convention; it's just one of the fictions of my everyday life. These are people I see more or less on a regular basis like at church or work or other places. They are friends in the sense that I like them and they like me. But . . .

When I go home from work or from church or from my other activities, it seems I cease to exist as a person. My phone does not ring unless it is a telemarketer. If I do not go out of the house, like at Christmas, then I don't see or hear another living person for that time period.

Now my "friends" at church are well aware that I live alone and that I have no family nearby yet it doesn't sink into them what that really means. This year when one of them asked me how my Christmas was I told her. She said she had no idea (really? What does "I live alone and have no family nearby" mean?)! Ok, so New Year's came. Same thing. I had a tentative invitation to go over to another church friend's house, but at the last minute there was a crisis with her family (always is). So again, alone. I don't hold it against any of them, I understand, they have their families and their families are ALL very demanding. So that there is no room for friendships outside the family.

I sometimes ask myself, if I vanished someday (as happened to a coworker who was murdered), how long would it be before anyone noticed and came looking? Sad to say, despite their high talk about caring and community, I think my church friends would be the last to know and the last to make inquiries. Why do I continue to go then? I go because it does get me out of the house and around people. But I don't ask or expect anything else. Any commitment on my part is pure illusion.

When I was a child my lack of friends didn't bother me as much because I had a rich fantasy life. The last few years, though, this has been less and less satisfying for some reason. I think the shattering of some of my most cherished dreams had a lot to do with it.
 
From the get-go (when I was diagnosed at age 7), I had friends. Through the years I made new ones to be close to, and it just morphed into different close friends through the years leading into today and probably beyond. Part of it could be that I'm considered "high functioning" as an Aspie.

I have often thought I'd never have a best friend like all the neurotypical folks I meet where you have so much in common and your chemistry is so perfect that you act like your siblings (or partners?) and you get crazy with them. I gave up that search for what felt like the longest time EVER but then something unexpected happened to me:

A couple years ago, one of my fiance's friends was dating a girl. Her first name is Paige. He was working in Sacramento shortly after he began dating her, so it turned into a long-term relationship for them, which was stressful for obvious reasons. Well, that's only 3 hours away from where we all lived, so we thought that would be tolerable. Then, he got a better job offer up in Alaska. I promised to him that I'd make sure she had so much fun back home that she wouldn't have to remember that she misses him. Well, some other friends of my fiance beat me to the punch at first. But then, I got a random text message from a number not in my phone. I asked who it was, and it was her. The rest is history. They ended up breaking up, and she actually ended up moving to Florida to my misfortune, but we text each other every day. While she still lived here, we had crazy adventures, late night conversations and we went to concerts together. Now we rely on Skype video chat for those. We are definitely best friends though. So happy to know I have a maid of honor for my wedding! I love her so much and even after a year of 3,000 miles being between us, it's never easier. I normally believe in the "everything happens for a reason" concept, but in this situation I am absolutely stumped. This is probably the most unfair situation I have ever been in, but I'm sure we'll be closer to each other one day.
 
How old is he?

He just turned 9


Well when I was 9 I had all the 'Aspie' issues but the question of haveing friends over wouldn't have been one of them. I livd in a very small town (seven streets total lol, and there were close neighbors kids who always played together.I had twin sisters 14 months younger than me who always were very outgoing anwih people. fI don't know if they actually 'made' the friends and I was just in the mix or what? I remember being a little older than that and likeing to be alone in my room. I also remember my Mom pushing me to go to family gatherings that I didn't want to go to and I hated it. I remember feeling very resentfull and angry about being forced to go to such things. I remember I ould always keep just one 'friend' at school. It was more like for a way to 'fit in' than as a connection to the person. Like someone to hang around at recess as not to just be standing their alone feeling odd and out of place. I remember bring her home at least once to spend the night and vise versa. And then as a teen I had a frined hear and there and then it turned to mostley a boyfriend.

In responnse to your question about pushing for friends over, from my prospective as a aspie child I would say no. I remember feeling as a chhild (undiagnosed and aspie never heard of) like something was 'wrong' with me. And I think it may have been subtle hints that I would pick up that I t was not 'ok' the way I was. Like people would always tell me I was too quiet. And I think if someone would have given me the message that however I was was just fine would have felt great. I always felt a preasure to 'act' like other people even though I didn't feel like I was like other people. So I felt I needed to fake it becouse how I was wasnt right. If someone were to push for me haveing friends over for instance I can imagion it might have felt that I wish someone would just understand me and accept me as I am kind of thing. Of course this was my and my personality and I was a pretty sinsitive person. so that would have been my feelings as a kid.
 
I read a lot about Aspurgers and visualized people who don't have many friends. I am one of those people. Right now I would say that I don't have any friends really. I mean like anyone I could call to talk to if I really needed something, or who would call me if they needed to talk. I could call my sister or Mom, or sometimes my ex husband or one of my sons. When I was younger I had some "friends" I could hang out with or talk to , but really can seldom think of a time I had a genuine commetction with someone.

Reading posts on AC I have noticed a lot of talk about friends. So do u have a lot of friends? And am I on the worst end of that aspect of aspurgers?

I have been diagnosed in the past with avoidant personality disorder. Do u think that is a misdiagnosis that should have been aspurgers, or something in addition to aspurgers?

I have also had cronic depression since I can remember , but didn't know it was depression untill I was almost 30. The way I felt was just all I knew as "normal". But that dosn't really expllain anything.. people that are depressed can still have friends.

I also suspect I have undiagnosed Borderling personality disorder..... but again still dosn't say why I can't seem to have friends.

Just trying to understand whats "wrong" with me.
at least you were married and had sons! and you used to have friends. i'm 46, never been in a relationship more than a one night stand, and cant stand the thought of having kids, and never had a friend!
 
at least you were married and had sons! and you used to have friends. i'm 46, never been in a relationship more than a one night stand, and cant stand the thought of having kids, and never had a friend!

I am lonley but that is more drastic. So you are lonley?? I can't say I have had a true friend relationship. I have had too many boyfriend/ married relationships and some of them I would consider (at the time) freinds as well. Right now I feel very lonley at times even though I do enjoy and need my alone time.
 
In real life I have about three real friends. I do have friends but I don't seek them out in what most people consider friendship. It took me and one of my co-workers almost eight years before we considered each other close friends. I have two other friends who I am getting to know and little by little letting them in to my life after a horrid friendship disaster by fellow co-worker that is still reeking havoc on my abilities at work and self esteem. I have the people here that I am close to a few. I do not regret that I do not have many friends but I cherish the ones that have been willing to stick it though.
 
I read a lot about Aspurgers and visualized people who don't have many friends. I am one of those people. Right now I would say that I don't have any friends really. I mean like anyone I could call to talk to if I really needed something, or who would call me if they needed to talk. I could call my sister or Mom, or sometimes my ex husband or one of my sons. When I was younger I had some "friends" I could hang out with or talk to , but really can seldom think of a time I had a genuine commetction with someone.

Reading posts on AC I have noticed a lot of talk about friends. So do u have a lot of friends? And am I on the worst end of that aspect of aspurgers?

I have been diagnosed in the past with avoidant personality disorder. Do u think that is a misdiagnosis that should have been aspurgers, or something in addition to aspurgers?

I have also had cronic depression since I can remember , but didn't know it was depression untill I was almost 30. The way I felt was just all I knew as "normal". But that dosn't really expllain anything.. people that are depressed can still have friends.

I also suspect I have undiagnosed Borderling personality disorder..... but again still dosn't say why I can't seem to have friends.

Just trying to understand whats "wrong" with me.

I have a group of friends i see at my coffee shop who are retired, i see them every morning. I also have a friend who i go to school with, shes a new friend.

if you would like to talk, i can give you my phone number and we can talk if you like.

even with my coffee group friends i do get lonely a lot, especially at night when its just me and my cat. :( it gets depressing. before my coffee friends and school friend, i didnt really have friends growing up.
 
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