Lysander
Well-Known Member
Hey guys,
Right off the bat, sorry! This is a weird topic to bring up, and I don't mean to imply that autism is connected to antisocial personality disorder. Especially because, as we all know, people with ASD have an enormous capacity for emotional and compassionate empathy.
I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS at age 17. I was in a secure facility at the time, and my primary stated goal was to build social skills. I had a history of juvenile delinquency, although I would never have self conceptualized in that way. I would point out that I was very polite, and that I was not a thief, and brush completely over several seriously damaging assaults, and even one instance of arson, before the age of 12.
I've been trying very hard for many years to become the person I most want to be - so far I am succeeding! I am generally very happy, and I have changed profoundly. I've scrapped myself for parts many times over to be the way I am now, which is a fairly pleasant person to be around.
Actually, I've noticed that as my social skills have improved through vigorous restructuring, people at my recent jobs actually find me charming. My coworkers. My bosses. Even my customers. Everyone likes me. I make them feel good, and yet I don't feel much in return.
Actually, I don't get close to anyone period. I will think I want to talk to them, and within seconds of listening to them speak, realize I don't care and that I'm bored. I understand intuitively that this is rude and selfish, and I try my best not to show how impatient I feel.
I just simply don't resonate with people. They feel happy? Okay. Sad? Got it. But I don't see it, and I don't feel it. And frankly, most of the time I feel neither myself.
But not all of the time. How strange is that? If I had never ever felt remorse, I guess the matter would be clean cut. But what if you've seldom felt remorse? I have felt profound guilt, humiliation, and regret.
My self awareness is broken. And my empathy is even more broken. I evaluate myself in hindsight, through the perspective of the experiences I've gained through time. It has improved, and not without incident, but I am still constantly growing.
I wonder if what I am is actually related to ASD after all? When my psychiatrist met with me at that time, I was much worse than I am now, at 25. If it's a matter of nature or nurture? Am I predisposed to be this way, and my early childhood laid the groundwork? I had bad, but not horrible, childhood. There was material neglect and my dad was gone. My mom never wanted to be in a room with me too long. (Can you blame her though?) And yet even though they were flawed, I think it might be a cop out to blame my parents.
Well, if you got this far, thank you for reading, and I'm truly grateful.
Let me know what you think, and be brutal if that's what feels right.
Right off the bat, sorry! This is a weird topic to bring up, and I don't mean to imply that autism is connected to antisocial personality disorder. Especially because, as we all know, people with ASD have an enormous capacity for emotional and compassionate empathy.
I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS at age 17. I was in a secure facility at the time, and my primary stated goal was to build social skills. I had a history of juvenile delinquency, although I would never have self conceptualized in that way. I would point out that I was very polite, and that I was not a thief, and brush completely over several seriously damaging assaults, and even one instance of arson, before the age of 12.
I've been trying very hard for many years to become the person I most want to be - so far I am succeeding! I am generally very happy, and I have changed profoundly. I've scrapped myself for parts many times over to be the way I am now, which is a fairly pleasant person to be around.
Actually, I've noticed that as my social skills have improved through vigorous restructuring, people at my recent jobs actually find me charming. My coworkers. My bosses. Even my customers. Everyone likes me. I make them feel good, and yet I don't feel much in return.
Actually, I don't get close to anyone period. I will think I want to talk to them, and within seconds of listening to them speak, realize I don't care and that I'm bored. I understand intuitively that this is rude and selfish, and I try my best not to show how impatient I feel.
I just simply don't resonate with people. They feel happy? Okay. Sad? Got it. But I don't see it, and I don't feel it. And frankly, most of the time I feel neither myself.
But not all of the time. How strange is that? If I had never ever felt remorse, I guess the matter would be clean cut. But what if you've seldom felt remorse? I have felt profound guilt, humiliation, and regret.
My self awareness is broken. And my empathy is even more broken. I evaluate myself in hindsight, through the perspective of the experiences I've gained through time. It has improved, and not without incident, but I am still constantly growing.
I wonder if what I am is actually related to ASD after all? When my psychiatrist met with me at that time, I was much worse than I am now, at 25. If it's a matter of nature or nurture? Am I predisposed to be this way, and my early childhood laid the groundwork? I had bad, but not horrible, childhood. There was material neglect and my dad was gone. My mom never wanted to be in a room with me too long. (Can you blame her though?) And yet even though they were flawed, I think it might be a cop out to blame my parents.
Well, if you got this far, thank you for reading, and I'm truly grateful.
Let me know what you think, and be brutal if that's what feels right.