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I Can't Carry This Anymore

Hi.

The context of my situation is that I'm doing the final module of my course and it's practical training. My shift is 7 hours long every week day until June 30th. During these hours I have to wake up 16 patients, bath some of them, do beds, put breakfasts, give medication, clean the dishes, go for the laundry, prepare the clothes and distribute it, put lunch, give medication, clean the dishes and write down all the incidents that could happen along the shift. Plus, check up their behaviour because they're psychiatric patients and everything is important.

Said this, I've done three days, Wednesday, Thursday and today, Friday. I must say I'm always along with a nursery assistant who's working in the unit and teaching me. The first day I was hyped because I really wanted to work and take care of people and as I didn't know anything, I just looked and followed orders rather than working by myself. The second day was quite the same, trying more stuff but getting confused constantly. And today was horrible.

My teacher told us we need three days to adapt ourselves to the unit, but somehow I felt I just needed three days to understand I'm probably unable to do this for a long while.

I can't remember the rooms correctly, the name and the faces, their diets, who bathes by themself and who needs help, who can eat that but not this (and if they say it, probably they will lie), I don't even want to talk about the medication because it's so complicated for me I'm so afraid of misunderstanding the whole box filled with names and pills.

I study everything, I have papers with all this info, but I'm so slow. I try not to get overwhelmed by this, but when it just slows me down, getting me confused and seeing how I can't progress correctly, it frustrates me too much.

Also, I suffer too much anxiety when I have to interact with the patients to wake them up. I can only say good morning, but I don't have a cue for this, I don't know what to say, I don't have an script to follow. Plus my voice is so low some can't hear me as they have auditory problems. I try to shout, but it doesn't raise up.

However, the worst, absolutely the worst is having to bathe them. I have a serious visual problem with humans' naked bodies. I'm so disgusted by a naked body. Not because they're old, it's in general. Male, female, old, young, fat, thin, muscled, hairy, it's the same disgust. I've watched how they bathe them, and I was already feeling aprehension, but today, I was offered to do one by myself and I had to decline it because just the thought I had to even touch them, I panic. My hands barely can touch people. I don't know why exactly, what I feel or what is the problem, I just can't even with my closest friends. So thinking I have to bathe them completely is freaking me out. Not to mention one of them can punch me in the meantime if I'm not aware.

Another thing I hate is when I have to serve the food. There are like 6 options per plate and each of them can eat one. I can't remember so I get frozen in the spot and in the end, when I realize, the nursery assistant has done it.

For last is the fact that I want to go fast, at least making beds. However, my hands become really clumsy and my limbs start to go slower and slower. I know how to do it, but it's like my body can't respond quick enough. I'm, also, damn tired because I didn't sit for longer than 15 minutes in the whole shift, and walking literally kilometres as it's damn big. Along with a heat wave of 40ºC everyday.

So my day is following the nursery assistant and not doing anything by myself. I'm more like burden, instead of a help.

And I'm so stupid because I constantly mask all of this. I pretend that I'm fine. That nothing bad occurs, just I'm a bit slower. However, the panic freezes me. How tired I am is completely insane. I want to think it's just 8 freaking days more, that I must go on with what I have no matter what because this is my future, my chance to get a job and gain the money I need so much. But everything is like a tsunami and I'm so afraid of getting drowned in it.

I could say all of this, indeed. I could say I'm in seach for a ASD and ADHD diagnose. But who would believe me as "I don't look like it"? Also, even if they would, we all know how hard is to get a job with this diagnose plus all I have already.

I just wanted to be normal. Have a job and help people, but I can't even do that properly. I'm having sensory overloads constantly, mainly because of the noises of when they shout, the stuff clashing, the amount of people in the main hallways, the wheels of every cart. The smells of the rooms in the morning is incredibly horrible. What I have to touch, not only people, luckily I have gloves, but I'm also overwhelmed by getting my hands into anything related to gloves. Visually, the bodies, and all I have to see and I can't say.

I'm not only afraid of being unable to end this successfully, but also that this is not my place and I'm again back to a dead end. A lot of people have supported, helped, trusted me all these months and I'm about to fail so easily. I disapoint everyone so easily I quite understand why I'm this alone. No matter how hard I try, the same old story repeats.

I'm a failure. An error. Why am I even alive for? I can't find my place, something I can work on and get profit. I want to help everyone, but I end up helping no one,

I promise I try. I promise I give my best. No one can imagine how I desire to carry on a normal life. That's why this is a nightmare for me.

I'm so tired I can't be strong anymore.

Tomoya 17/06/2022 9:08 PM

Comments

I've thought this many times in my life. When I think I can't go on, I think of my father and children as well as something a dear friend and father figure who was also my Platoon Sergeant at Ft. Bragg once told me.

The man would never let me quit. We were on a 20 mile forced march and my mind thought my body gave up. I heard him yelling for me because someone told him I had fallen out. He got back to me and said

"You're too good at what you do to be a quitter. Knock it off, get up front and lead these men with me"

RIP MSG Mack, you're dearly missed.
 
I've thought this many times in my life. When I think I can't go on, I think of my father and children as well as something a dear friend and father figure who was also my Platoon Sergeant at Ft. Bragg once told me.

The man would never let me quit. We were on a 20 mile forced march and my mind thought my body gave up. I heard him yelling for me because someone told him I had fallen out. He got back to me and said

"You're too good at what you do to be a quitter. Knock it off, get up front and lead these men with me"

RIP MSG Mack, you're dearly missed.
Good words indeed. Hope he rests in peace now. Thanks.
 
I work in long term care and have for the past 2 years. I have learned 2 things: 1 the only people who do not struggle at my work are the people who don't care, don't realize how badly they are doing their jobs and rare few who have both the experience and disposition for this work. The last category makes like 5% of the staff at my work. All that to say not succeeding at a difficult doesn't not change you into a failure or make you less likely to succeed in the future. I would advise a change to a different setting if your workplace is anything like mine. The place is chaotic and accommodations are frequently ignored and it's really gross. The upside is humans need a lot of help and there are so many ways to help. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling o figure out how you fit into that but I applaud your tenacity. Also sorry this is so long.
 
I work in long term care and have for the past 2 years. I have learned 2 things: 1 the only people who do not struggle at my work are the people who don't care, don't realize how badly they are doing their jobs and rare few who have both the experience and disposition for this work. The last category makes like 5% of the staff at my work. All that to say not succeeding at a difficult doesn't not change you into a failure or make you less likely to succeed in the future. I would advise a change to a different setting if your workplace is anything like mine. The place is chaotic and accommodations are frequently ignored and it's really gross. The upside is humans need a lot of help and there are so many ways to help. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling o figure out how you fit into that but I applaud your tenacity. Also sorry this is so long.
I can only say I do agree with your point of view. Indeed now I realized I was struggling because I did want to do it properly for the people I was helping. Luckily, I am stubborn and kept going until I was able to adapt. It was horrible to go through but at least right now I can say I gave my best and succeded. Thank you for your comment <3
 

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