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Irakus34

Irakus34

Just someone else in this world. 22
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  • Irakus34
    The fact of saying I'm autistic is that I'll always find people who never believes it. And that occurred yesterday again, what made me doubt of myself again, thinking I may be wrong and it's just a mental construction I did to justify my oddness. So I redid all the tests 4 times - November 2021, February 2022, May 2022 and today, keeping getting stable scores through the whole year.
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    The scores were:
    AQ: 37
    CAT-Q: 162 (C: 57/M: 51/A: 54)
    Aspie: 154 / NT: 77
    RBQ-2A: 53
    RAADS-R: 140 (L: 11/S: 57/M: 43/C: 29)
    poly10a.php
    Irakus34
    So NTs say you have to look into the eyes to show confidence and interest, but also if you look at someone's eyes, it means you like them.
    Why do you make it so complicated?
    If I look into your eyes means I'm listening to you. That's it. Easy.
    LadyS
    LadyS
    I think for me, forcing myself to make eye contact makes me look more intensely at someone thereby misconstrueing my intent. It's the same when it comes to smiling for pictures. Just completely unnatural.
    tree
    tree
    Looking into a person's eyes steadily would result in me getting lost
    about whatever it was we were discussing. I can do quick glances, though.
    Irakus34
    My last blog entry is how I feel about my teacher. I wish life would be nice with me.
    Irakus34
    Is someone really willing to listen to me?
    View previous comments…
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I would like to listen and help also, i think you deserve to feel better, and supported.
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    @Stuttermabolur Thank you so much, don't worry, sometimes I'm out of words too when I listen. But sometimes what's more needed are just that, someone listening without saying a word and just a hug. Just that.
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    @AprilR thank you a lot, I only don't want to bother anyone as there's no way I can fix my inner emotions.
    Irakus34
    Today I had to listen from a teacher (Psychology's one, ironically) that ADHD doesn't exist. It's just a lie to sell medication. I had no words.
    Irakus34
    I'm sick. Seems like my body isn't used to breathe without mask anymore. Sorethroat is killing me.
    Irakus34
    I see him and I feel calm and anxious, sad and motivated, a trouble and a solution. He makes me be a mess.
    Irakus34
    Today I had a bad crisis of anxiety in class and had to leave for a while and it was the first time people took care of me.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I am glad that there are kind people around you!
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    I've never had it before in my life and I felt even worth it.
    Irakus34
    I don't know if this is regular in any job, but why is everyone looking away when I ask for help?
    tree
    tree
    Literally? They turn away physically?
    Or what's going on?

    What kind of help do you need at work?
    Irakus34
    Today's my birthday and I'm working, not really with desire to exist. I try to smile because of my family, but I only got to cry.
    Irakus34
    Thanks to writing down my lastest blog, I could define what I am lately. A monster.
    Shaddock
    Shaddock
    why do you think that you would be a monster? do you just feel like that or do you really think that? have you ever really harmed someone? on purpose?
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    @Shaddock I feel like such. And at some points, I may even think it. I've never harmed anyone on purpose. I'm not able to do that.
    Irakus34
    I don't blame anyone from hating me. I can't do anything correctly, neither professionally nor personally. I just avoid any confrontation. Any human. Any unknown situation or place. I'm so afraid of this world that all I know is to escape. Run away. Disappear.
    View previous comments…
    Shaddock
    Shaddock
    I don´t know how you can improve it. I felt more self-confident in my youth on some time, like it made "click." but can not explain how I did that or if you can do that too. maybe a therapist could help you? maybe he understands why you feel so less self-confident and what you can do to change it. I´m sure that it can be changed. it´s sad that most times people with
    Shaddock
    Shaddock
    self-confident are the most friendly people, who would be the people with the highest "right" to feel self-confident and some people with high self-confidence are not really unfriendly and are self-confident because of no reason.
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    @Shaddock I have no idea which is the source of this lack of self-confidence. I never had. After theraphy, I could improve a bit. But right now I'm dependant on its swirling movement from ups to downs. Having a good day when it's up, but wanting to die if it's down.
    Irakus34
    I've been paid my first ever salary and my coworker was so happy, but I felt nothing.
    Raggamuffin
    Raggamuffin
    Withdraw all the money from the bank in cold, hard currency. Then at least you'll feel the cash in your hands.
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    @Raggamuffin I did that and it was worse because I knew all that money is for paying bills. Lol.
    Raggamuffin
    Raggamuffin
    Need to deposit what is needed for bills and then keep the rest to hand. I find it helps reduce impulsive spending when you can visualise in physical terms what money you have left.
    Irakus34
    My appointment with a psychiatrist has been cancelled because she doesn't treat members of the same family (it's my sister's psychiatrist). I suddenly felt hopeless. I'm about to give up on being diagnosed. I seriously doubt someone will ever believe me.
    tree
    tree
    Couldn't that psychiatrist refer you to another psychiatrist?
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    @tree yes, that's what my sister did, asking her for another option. But I'm not sure anymore.
    Irakus34
    Today is that day when I truly feel everyone hates me, I bother them all and they want me away. I want to go home and be alone.
    Irakus34
    Sometimes, my patients hug me because they feel bad, cuddly or they like hugs. But sometimes, I do feel they are healing me instead of me healing them.
    UberScout
    UberScout
    That's how Aloe came to be. When my therapist and I were talking about how I didn't really have many friends growing up, I explained that it included one that was really close to me. So she took me on a guided meditation to a celestial ocean and that's where I thought up a friend with the appearance of a betta fish my grandma had.
    UberScout
    UberScout
    Now of course, Aloe treats psychological difficulties using hypnotherapy, as opposed to more "traditional" means of treatment, but this is because she believes traditional medication doesn't reach the core of the problems a person with Autism, for example, deals with, and she's actually drawn to people with Autism to begin with.
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