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Irakus34

Irakus34

Just someone else in this world. 22
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  • Irakus34
    I think the teacher I confessed too months ago is now hinting me something, but I'm too clumsy to see if it's only good vibes or he's actually hitting on me. Full story on here. No, seriously, what should I do? I hope therapist will help me tomorrow or else I will cry for real each time I see him.
    Irakus34
    Yesterday again I was neglected as autistic because first I don't look like it and second because I'm not officially diagnosed. I will never be neither autistic enough nor normal enough for anyone. Truly frustrating.
    View previous comments…
    Atrapa Almas
    Atrapa Almas
    I have a simmilar experience. Im too normal to be autistic and too weird to be authentically normal. I think this will change in the following 10 years as more autist adults will reveal their condition to their families and friends. Im sure that if we count middle autist population we are close to the 7% of the population. Time will say.
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    @AprilR I'm somehow a bit upset too because I didn't expect such reaction from that exact person, but well...
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    @Atrapa Almas I really hope you're right and we will be able to win against Autism stigma so more people who's suffering in silence can seek their comfort space too.
    Irakus34
    The fact of saying I'm autistic is that I'll always find people who never believes it. And that occurred yesterday again, what made me doubt of myself again, thinking I may be wrong and it's just a mental construction I did to justify my oddness. So I redid all the tests 4 times - November 2021, February 2022, May 2022 and today, keeping getting stable scores through the whole year.
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    The scores were:
    AQ: 37
    CAT-Q: 162 (C: 57/M: 51/A: 54)
    Aspie: 154 / NT: 77
    RBQ-2A: 53
    RAADS-R: 140 (L: 11/S: 57/M: 43/C: 29)
    poly10a.php
    Irakus34
    So NTs say you have to look into the eyes to show confidence and interest, but also if you look at someone's eyes, it means you like them.
    Why do you make it so complicated?
    If I look into your eyes means I'm listening to you. That's it. Easy.
    LadyS
    LadyS
    I think for me, forcing myself to make eye contact makes me look more intensely at someone thereby misconstrueing my intent. It's the same when it comes to smiling for pictures. Just completely unnatural.
    tree
    tree
    Looking into a person's eyes steadily would result in me getting lost
    about whatever it was we were discussing. I can do quick glances, though.
    Irakus34
    My last blog entry is how I feel about my teacher. I wish life would be nice with me.
    Irakus34
    Is someone really willing to listen to me?
    View previous comments…
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I would like to listen and help also, i think you deserve to feel better, and supported.
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    @Stuttermabolur Thank you so much, don't worry, sometimes I'm out of words too when I listen. But sometimes what's more needed are just that, someone listening without saying a word and just a hug. Just that.
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    @AprilR thank you a lot, I only don't want to bother anyone as there's no way I can fix my inner emotions.
    Irakus34
    Today I had to listen from a teacher (Psychology's one, ironically) that ADHD doesn't exist. It's just a lie to sell medication. I had no words.
    Irakus34
    I'm sick. Seems like my body isn't used to breathe without mask anymore. Sorethroat is killing me.
    Irakus34
    I see him and I feel calm and anxious, sad and motivated, a trouble and a solution. He makes me be a mess.
    Irakus34
    Today I had a bad crisis of anxiety in class and had to leave for a while and it was the first time people took care of me.
    AprilR
    AprilR
    I am glad that there are kind people around you!
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    I've never had it before in my life and I felt even worth it.
    Irakus34
    I don't know if this is regular in any job, but why is everyone looking away when I ask for help?
    tree
    tree
    Literally? They turn away physically?
    Or what's going on?

    What kind of help do you need at work?
    Irakus34
    Today's my birthday and I'm working, not really with desire to exist. I try to smile because of my family, but I only got to cry.
    Irakus34
    Thanks to writing down my lastest blog, I could define what I am lately. A monster.
    Shaddock
    Shaddock
    why do you think that you would be a monster? do you just feel like that or do you really think that? have you ever really harmed someone? on purpose?
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    @Shaddock I feel like such. And at some points, I may even think it. I've never harmed anyone on purpose. I'm not able to do that.
    Irakus34
    I don't blame anyone from hating me. I can't do anything correctly, neither professionally nor personally. I just avoid any confrontation. Any human. Any unknown situation or place. I'm so afraid of this world that all I know is to escape. Run away. Disappear.
    View previous comments…
    Shaddock
    Shaddock
    I don´t know how you can improve it. I felt more self-confident in my youth on some time, like it made "click." but can not explain how I did that or if you can do that too. maybe a therapist could help you? maybe he understands why you feel so less self-confident and what you can do to change it. I´m sure that it can be changed. it´s sad that most times people with
    Shaddock
    Shaddock
    self-confident are the most friendly people, who would be the people with the highest "right" to feel self-confident and some people with high self-confidence are not really unfriendly and are self-confident because of no reason.
    Irakus34
    Irakus34
    @Shaddock I have no idea which is the source of this lack of self-confidence. I never had. After theraphy, I could improve a bit. But right now I'm dependant on its swirling movement from ups to downs. Having a good day when it's up, but wanting to die if it's down.
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