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A Movie Which Looks Like My Life

Hi.

Today we watched a movie in class. I didn't feel with the enough motivation of watching a 2hrs and a half movie at 10 AM so at first I wanted to continue my drawing of White Mask from the novel Tian Guan Ci Fu, however, just the start got me hooked.

It tells the story of a kid who has dislexia and has to grow up with such difficulties in a family that has no idea of what it is or how to make the kid improve. However, this kid, after a long time of suffering, punishment and feelings like abandon, self-hate, rage, desperation and frustration, he finds the right teacher to change his life for better.

This is a very inspiring story, very emotive, and in some moments, very cruel and tortuous. It's name is Taare Zameen Par. A hightly recommended movie.

Through the two hours and thirty minutes of a pure state of cinematography at its finest, I found myself overwhelmed by the feelings of self-reflection. I saw my childhood in him. Not to the extent of not knowing how to write and read as the boy, because since I can remember I was always trying to be the best in speed reading and making my caligraphy completely beautiful. But the rest of the story, how he was lost in his imagination, full of pictures in colour, losing track of time, neglecting his studies because everything else was shouting at him a story, making his stuff a mess, creating trouble to him with his family, with other kids, with the teachers, losing his temper as he couldn't understand, fighting, breaking stuff, suffering scolds constantly and running away from all of them. That was my life. Well, it's still my life somehow.

But in the other hand, I also resemble to the good part of finding someone willing to fight for you, to improve your abilities, to believe in you. I found in my way three people like that. The first teacher couldn't make too much unluckily as I was in a very bad state of social panic. The second teacher literally made me believe I had a place in this world and helped me to have at least the minimum required level of studies in my country. Unluckily, when he tried to do so for second time, I failed him. I couldn't handle the pressure, the fear, the anxiety, and failed.

And the third time is now. The teacher I found in this course is something like validating me as human being no matter the difficulties I have and even without diagnosis, she recognises and helps me to find a way. She sees a potential in me, a potential which everyone saw, but limited to say "he's smart, but don't use it". She has never said so. Instead, she used "he has a very smart brain and he needs to learn to believe in himself". She listened to me. She validated my fear. She encourages me to follow the path I need to walk to be happy. She adviced me for finding the right help. She defended me. I already told her I have been so lucky for finding people like her in my way when stuff is getting unbearable, but I guess she will never know how grateful I am daily, just for helping me when I feel completely alone in danger and I don't want to shout for help.

This could seem like just merely another job for someone else, seem like usual help from someone who likes to bring that help. However, for me it means the oxygen I am not breathing right now as everything feels like suffocating me. These days are especially tough as my whole life is changing due to some poeple's selfishness and recklessness. The anxiety, the panic, the sorrow of having to move on with thousands of problems I can't even solve... They're grabbing my throat and stroking it until seeing for how long I keep alive.

I'm not used to being an adult. I'm not ready to being so. I just want to disappear, run away and forget there's a world outside I need to face constantly in order to survive. People try to make me feel guilty that I should start to get used to face responsibilities, but they also forget that my brain doesn't work properly. Some days I can go on without so much issues, but others feel like chaos where time goes at light speed and I'm a little snail. Without even talking about the shutdowns I live daily due to the effort I do in class, in home, I don't have a safe zone anymore. All surrounding me is a danger. Me myself is a danger too.

Lately, the feeling of waking up and thinking why I am still here is recurrent. Luckily I found a number available in my country for treating these thoughts. I will use it if it gets too much. I don't want to die. Just sometimes it hurts so bad I cannot handle it anymore.

Thanks for reading.

Tomoya 03/06/2022 9:43 PM

Comments

I love that movie so much too, as well as Tian Guan Ci Fu! I thought that the picture looked familiar and i was so happy to find another fan!

I also relate to what you wrote a lot too, but now i am feeling much better and well adjusted. I hope you will also feel better too in time, and get the support that you deserve. I am also here if you want to talk. (about Tgcf, life, or anything really)
 
I love that movie so much too, as well as Tian Guan Ci Fu! I thought that the picture looked familiar and i was so happy to find another fan!

I also relate to what you wrote a lot too, but now i am feeling much better and well adjusted. I hope you will also feel better too in time, and get the support that you deserve. I am also here if you want to talk. (about Tgcf, life, or anything really)
Exactly, that picture is from Mo Dao Zu Shi, but I'm so in love with TGCF too. So excited with S2 coming really soon!!

Actually I read your post this weekend, but didn't leave a comment as I thought it was already useless. I'm happy to hear you're doing fine now! Thanks to a weekend off, cleaning, cooking and watching Silent Hill 2, I'm watching all from a new perspective luckily, thank you.

I say the same, if you want to talk about TGCF or anything, my DMs are open! <3
 

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Irakus34
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