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I've Dug My Grave

Hi.

This could be also in the support part of this forum, as my brain is ilogically going crazy without finding an exit. However, I prefer it to keep in here as it's an event of my life I didn't want to happen, yet it did. And no matter how many times I script situations day after day, I'm unable to solve this now it's done.

As I told, I'm studying in a class, with humans, and in the last module of our course, we have to create big activities for enjoyment and put it in common with our classmates. Today, then, it was the first group who did the activity and I was already pretty nervous because we don't know what it is, we just follow their indications.

First game was to create our own badge and something else to cover our eyes. We had to literally rush because they kept pushing us. I hated it. I was already controlling my pressure as I'm not that fast.

The second game was exploding our enemy's balloon. Do I need to say more? I won because I literally ran away so I didn't hear my own exploding, having a very bad anxiety every time I hear a balloon bursting. Though, my masking can make me look fine even if my hands tried to cover my ears sometimes. I'm afraid of balloons. Still, I continued with their activity.

The third game was dancing, stopping when music stopped and doing whatever they said. I didn't dance. And my executive processing bursted in the end, literally misunderstanding. It wasn't nice either.

Fourth game was finding clues all around our place. I had to touch a lot of disgusting things and run like a freaking dog for nothing. Because we lost. And I noticed again I hate losing, what increased my uneaseness.

The fifth game was being blind and walking until eating a pudding. I don't know why I played it myself because I had to remove my mask and eat something I didn't know who touched that. Also, I didn't get the rules because they didn't explain it well or under shouts and noises that made me go numb.

The six game was creating a transport with trash bags and moving inside in shape of a run. It was weird. I didn't like it to be honest and more when people started to be tricky and win unfairly. Rules are for something.

The last game was a relay race. Truly weird. My duty was to scroll all over the floor. I wanted to puke. Luckily my other two mates were slower and other group won so I didn't have to.

In the end, we were the losing group. Pretty proud. But my sensory overload was bad. Damn bad. I was completely tired and I was done, just wanted to go home and take meds for my stomach.

When we came back to class to pick up our stuff and go, my surprise? Two balloons were alive. And one guy grabbed them. Suddenly, somewhere in class, one was exploded and I felt like an abyss of panic. I shouted "****!" already mad and hardly controlling my nerves. He has another and I knew what could happen, but didn't know when. I didn't know I would burst too.

Exactly when it exploded, I shouted, really really loud. My throat hurting. I don't remember what I said, I don't remember a visual image of my class, I just remember my hand grabbing my pencil case and throwing it twice. As always, I started crying, but I didn't want anyone to see me. So I kept in a corner, because if I ran away I had to go through all of them and I was unable to move due to shakiness. I was barely managing my breathing and tried so hard not to sob.

And as if I wasn't there, people started to talk. Hours before we were studying sympathy ironically.

"There're a lot of ways to say things".
"He's wrong".
"We were having fun and now it's ruined".
"We exploded balloons before and he said nothing".

My teacher and a classmate who's psychologist tried to talk to them and explain it was a common response among the people we're going to work with and they should manage it better than those comments which were being said with me in scene and having an anxiety attack.

"But he's not a patient".

Indeed, I am not a patient. I do not want to be a patient in a psychiatric. But my whole life I've been unable to communicate, suffering hard bullying, punching and shouting kids like I did today and being bullied even harder, afraid of my own self because I get too aggressive and even my own safety is unknown. I went to therapy for years and I still can't control it if I expose myself to really confusing, exhausting and energy consuming situations like every day class, can't imagine today's activity, which I RESPECTED deeply by giving my all because I didn't want to ruin it and cared of my classmates' feelings and work.

Still, it meant nothing. Every one left, no one asked me, it was better because when my friend and I were about exitting the class I couldn't and had to sit on the floor because I stopped breathing and the anxiety attack bloomed cruelly. I kept a few minutes on the floor alone, my friend went to toilet and my teacher watched from a far. I knew she was letting me control it. I knew she was checking on me.

I stood up in the same way I sat and went away with my friend. I cried constantly for a whole hour. Still want to cry sometimes as tomorrow will be literally hell for me. And for more, in the Whatsapp group chat, people congratulated the girls by their activity, still the guy who I shouted started to say:

"Great girls, and don't be upset, if I'm bothered I say it and more after bursting 12 balloons in the activity. I think you're wrong, Tomoya. If I have to apologize, I will, but I think you're wrong. You have to know how to control yourself and know how to say things no matter how you dislike something. You bursted, well fine, nobody's perfect, that's all. But I think you're wrong. And I don't say this for me, but for the people who dedicated their time to make this activity and could get ofended, but as I said if I have to apologize, I will. In the end, we're deviating the attention to you and I don't like it because today's class was "classmates' names", but well that's it. I say what I think."

First, never apologize for "having to". I never understand why humans apologize even if they don't feel it. That's mean.
Second, do you really need the group chat to write all of this and humilliate me even more?
Third, do you really think I don't know that I ruined their work, the fun and everything? I'm pretty aware of how toxic I am, how I ruin the fun categorically, how my existence in others' lives will end up in disgrace. I know. I know I'm wrong, I'm always wrong because I can't be normal and it's a fact. I can't do it anymore.

But don't humilliate me more. No need to say constantly the comments above over and over again. No need to send such messages through the group. No need to remind me how I mess up everyone's lives. You can hate me, I'm used, but hate me in silence. As I do.

I know I'm a good for nothing. I didn't want to do it. I don't want to be like this. I just need help. Help.

Thanks for reading.

Tomoya 25/05/2022 7:37 PM

Comments

Thank you for sharing.

don’t worry, hang in there.

you’ll have support.

you are a lovely person and deserve love. you need to surround yourself with people who love you. Don’t focus all your attention on those bad people. They will mean nothing in the end.

ignore it all, push it all back, and do what works for you.

just chill and you’ll figure it out. ~ ggalaxy ❤️
 
Thank you for sharing.

don’t worry, hang in there.

you’ll have support.

you are a lovely person and deserve love. you need to surround yourself with people who love you. Don’t focus all your attention on those bad people. They will mean nothing in the end.

ignore it all, push it all back, and do what works for you.

just chill and you’ll figure it out. ~ ggalaxy ❤️
In the end, I focused on asking for help to my teacher and she adviced and accompanied me through my whole journey until I apologized to him and sorted everything out. She's actually saved me these days and checks up on me everyday. So I focus on that.

Thank you a lot! <3
 
I don't know you, but I can tell you with 100% certainly that you are NOT good for nothing. Its statistically impossible. I can also say that I'm very impressed with your self awareness. You seem to have a really good grasp on things that are triggering for you and you show a lot of courage by participating in activities that trigger you so severely. We can't always help that sometimes others lack understanding and compassion for the difficulties we face, which is all the more reason to try to be kind to ourselves. You deserve compassion, from them and from you. Hang in there and keep trying!
 
I don't know you, but I can tell you with 100% certainly that you are NOT good for nothing. Its statistically impossible. I can also say that I'm very impressed with your self awareness. You seem to have a really good grasp on things that are triggering for you and you show a lot of courage by participating in activities that trigger you so severely. We can't always help that sometimes others lack understanding and compassion for the difficulties we face, which is all the more reason to try to be kind to ourselves. You deserve compassion, from them and from you. Hang in there and keep trying!
I just can reply to you thank you really for your words. Hope you don't find it vague, I do mean it. It's just I'm not used to be understood and valued. I only try my best to fit in this world.
 
Dear Tomoya -

No one hates you and you are definitely not toxic. You also did not ruin the planned activities. What you are is a great little writer that expresses how you feel which will ultimately help you and others.

I give you much credit in just dealing with that amount of chaos and obvious sensory triggers. You have endured much more than many in your class could have handled if they had autism.

I have to say I think of you as a Hero and I am very proud of you.
 
maybe a bit late to answer, but I´m sorry that you experienced this. and it´s very pity and wrong that the people were so selfish (some of them) and were like "I had no fun because you", instead of "oh he feels very bad. that´s sad."

my other thought was "why going in a social profession, which is even for NT very stressing, when you have autism? isn´t that contraproductive?"

I´m not that sensitive like you, but these games would have also stressed me and I wouldn´t done them. I would be like "what the hell. so stupid. I don´t do that stupid things. good bye" and would leave the room lol.

even as a child I took the things I had to made and throwed them into trash, no joke, my mother told me that. I never had any fun of being creative and participate in such games. sometimes I refused in school to participate in some things, because they felt too stupid to me and I don´t liked them at all.

you did nothing wrong and it´s nice that at least very few people understood you in that situation and try to help you.

it has nothing to do with "being sick" - I mean you´re reactions. I think this is just autistic and some autistic people are like that.
 

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Irakus34
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