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Another Day, Another Shutdown


My entries are being more frequent as I'm crossing a very complicated emotional phase that I'm not knowing how to control it no matter how I mask and rely on my created self.

First, since my grandmother died, we're in a very delicate economical situation that are making me rethink my stay in the curse I'm doing because I should be working. My mother is pushing me forwards so I won't abandon it, but seeing her doing anything to get the needed money every month is a torture. I know she wants the best for me, and now more that I found my way after my whole life jumping around frustrated and having strong meltdowns. However, I can't be this selfish. So I have no idea for how long I will keep pushing on, maybe until I understand this is a dream I will never fulfil. Now that I think I found my place. That it feels like home. Life is so tough I may lose it if we do a step wrong. And if I lose it now, I won't stand up again. I'm so tired of trying and trying and never succeed.

Second, my old friends are going in different ways, we barely talk and they don't even know about my grandmother, they don't know anything about me anymore. They don't even know if I get out from bed every morning. So I stuck with a group I found in my class. However, there are two girls, one has a very complicated life as she had to run away from her country with a baby and she's crossing a very bad depression. Today, she said she's leaving the course and I can't be sadder, because I loved to be with her. And the other girl is very unstable mentally because of PSTD that triggered a bipolarity. She's also abusing pills, alcohol. We try to help, I do try to help, but of course I just know her for a month and all I feel sometimes is that I do worse and worse. I, also, absorbs her energy and it's being a rollercoaster. Moreover, one of the teachers scolded me twice in two days because of helping her. She's worried I may get into bad marks because of helping her and not focusing on the lessons. That really pushed me down as indeed I wanted to just help, but sometimes it's better not to do anything.

Third, my self-esteem has just gone down like a mess into a dark well since I started to feel like this for my teacher. At first, I was so motivated to be in his classes, to get to talk to him, to learn from him. But of course, any trivial detail can affect me like a tsunami. For example, today one of my classmates mistook one term and he started to laugh like almost crying and I felt such a joy that I thought my heart was going to burst. It was crazy. And that was when I realized that something I like so much won't ever feel the same for me. It was such a hit between the two emotions that I started crying in the middle of the class. Luckily I masked right after and could maintain a good face until I reached home.

But once there, I shut down. I sat on the sofa, stared at the nowhere and didnt move, just tears fell through my chin. It was painful. All these three things. They were truly painful. I have no idea how to manage them all, how to manage my emotions to control them. I need to control them before they control me and I start to do impulsive actions or say impulsive words I will regret right after my social phobia awakes.

I wish I could become a robot, no feelings, no anxiety, no fears, I could just function as this world desires. No feel of frustration, no feel of pain, no feel of rejection, no feel of shame, no feel of overwhelm. I wouldn't bother anyone. I wouldn't cause trouble. I wouldn't make anyone feel bad.

My only desire is to function without troubling anyone, but when fear appears, when love appears, when justice appears, I go nuts. Reality fights me and I always lose. Because in the end, I can't control anything and instead of accepting this fact, I keep attempting to be perfect. Because perfection gives me reassurement. Calmness. That's why my calmness doesn't exist, because perfection neither exists.

It's so painful. Truly painful. And I'm 100% aware of it right in my core.

Tomoya 04/11/2022 10:40PM


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