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All I Learned While Working Is That NT People Are So Complicated


For the last two weeks, I've been a trainee at a psychiatric. As I mentioned in my last blog, I had to take care of a whole unit of patients managed by a nursery assistant who taught me. As they changed shifts, I had three different coworkers. And luckily they all were really nice and helped me in everything I could.

However, I noticed difficulties I faced that wouldn't be even considered by NT people. And which I constantly masked to do a good job.

  • When I woke them up, I couldn't chit-chat with them at all. I said good morning and where I placed their clothes, then goodbye. I tried to change the dialogue, but I was unable to speak then.
  • When bathing them, my uniform got wet and having to continue working with it wet was seriously disturbing.
  • When setting the cutlery and glasses on the tables, the noises got me goosebumps constantly.
  • When distributing the breakfasts or lunches, I had to memorize each diet and detail because they usually lied to eat what they want, so I was in constant pressure for being unable to remember it, I needed extra time to think and know what I was doing, which led me to end washing the dishes as my coworker did it because she was faster.
  • When we had to go to the laundry room, as always I had no idea when it was the right timing to say goodbye or to whom it was okay to greet as patients, personal and visitors are mixed in the hallways.
  • When distributing the clothes, once again I was lost of the names, the right wardrobes, I even mixed pyjamas with T-shirts.
  • After all of this at least four hours went by, and my energy was already lacking, so the exhaustion and desire to run away was real.
  • When I had free time because it was my recess or because we did the tasks faster, I was confused of what to do, where to go or when to go back. So my coworkers were shocked I came too fast or stayed in the emergency stairs in the cold.
  • During lunch, it was the same as breakfast but worse as there were like 6-7 different types of each plate. I kept mistaking and I felt deeply embarrassed everytime she pointed it out in the middle of the room.
  • The worst I guess is that each of them has a different way of working so when I learned of the first, I did the same with the other one and for them, it was incorrect. In the end, I kept being confused of how it was the right way to do some stuff and kept asking as if I couldn't do it by myself.
  • There was once where my coworker asked me to bring one patient to the hairdressing and gave me some indications fast and with a lot of background noise. Because I felt completely out of place, I said I understood, but I literally got lost and had to ask someone there where it was.
  • But I guess the worse was when in the nursery room where my coworker, the nurse and the manager (and people from other units) gathered to talk and I kept there silent, so out of place, in a corner feeling like I was disturbing them. No one even tried to add me in the chat. I seriously wanted to escape at those moments.
  • Some could be considered as normal during the first days as I knew nothing and needed time to learn, but I kept being like that until the very last day.

Something that bothered me was that from 15 people from my class, I was the only one who didn't get a job offer. Everyone else was called or asked if they wanted to stay. Many of them working way less than me because their units are easier, many of them breaking rules way more often, many of them having lower scores during the exams. I kept showing a nice face every time someone else said they were in, as if I knew I wouldn't be called, but it's true, I'm a bit frustrated I literally gave my everything, doing a x10 more effort mentally not to give up because I almost dropped it after 5 days, and my work wasn't recognized even a bit.

However, I really doubt I might work there in a future because the rhythm of work is insane in exchange for a ridiculous salary. I prefer other type of company and environment.

Now, I'm deciding to take at least two weeks to rest body and brain as I am at the edge of a burnout. I have no idea if I will be able to face a whole year for nursery assistant since September and three months of training in hospitals, but I want to try.

I pray my mental health will allow me to keep pursuing my dream. I showed myself I can do it, but I also tasted the limits of mine in a NT world.

Thanks for reading.

Tomoya 01/07/2022 09:46 PM


Hi @Irakus34,

I am a high-functioning autistic, and I can relate to all these points. NTs are so complicated, and they have lots of social rules that we miss as they are implied or have inferences. In high school, I was bullied as some students spotted my quirks and started stalking and bullying me. To prevent myself from being bullied, I started trying to pass as NT. However, it made me exhausted and tired every day. High school was a terrible experience for me. In my opinion, I feel that the high school system is only made for NTs, and it is made to exclude anyone who has invisible disabilities, such as autistic people. Hopefully, in university and the workforce, people will not bully me for being autistic.

When the pandemic started and everything shut down, I decided to stop trying to pass as NT for good. As a result, I started becoming successful in online classes. I got good grades and finished high school 1 year early. Now, I am going to UC Irvine and will get a degree in Computer Engineering.

Now, I don't care about how other people view me. I just need to ignore the bullies who don't care about anyone else. Bullies have problems with their own lives.

I believe that autism is not a disability; it is a different ability. I am autistic, but it doesn't make me any less intelligent. It is a wide spectrum of abilities and weaknesses; we are all different in our own ways. If you meet one autistic person, you meet one autistic person.



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