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Blogs

  1. Deep down - we all know

    The take away message from my final therapy session has been a running theme in our recent meetings. Listen more to how you feel, rather than fixating on what you think. Going with my bodily feelings to a situation is usually a clear indicator between what is right and wrong for me. I often get so caught up in the narrative of my thoughts, that taking a step back to listen to how my body feels becomes a rarity - and yet, I know how profound and helpful it is. So often in life I have...
  2. What's it worth to me?

    Back at work today after my 5 day weekend. Went out for dinner on Thursday night with Kristy, which was nice - we chatted a lot, although my food wasn't great - tasted like a microwave meal (which it probably was). On my birthday on Monday we went out for lunch at a very old English pub in a small hamlet dating back to the Saxon era. My nan lived there for many years, and as a child we used to visit her on Saturdays. The pub is one (of several) that claim to be the oldest in the country...
  3. My Tinder Review

    One week on a dating app and it looks like it has me wishing for the end of humanity. A 500 character limit is confining - I keep rewriting it. Yet I see so many profiles that have no text at all, but always plenty of pictures. This obsession with the self is unnerving - and yet, I too am lost in my own world, or behind a screen. Funny isn't it - how big the world and the universe is, and yet those screens have us transfixed. So many photographs filtered - as if a photograph weren't...
  4. News about my future: Quick update

    I had my first informal meeting today. It seems they liked me (yay!!!) and I will have my official interview on Thursday. They also invited us to come out to their campus to meet everyone and I will most likely be going next month. If all goes well (it never seems to but I am deciding it will go well) I will be starting in September! I never have things go this nicely. I have therapy to thank I didn't shut down or lash out sometimes I was trouble talking and so I would ask my mom to help me...
  5. Think I'm Just Happy

    I’m all caught up at work. Something I’ve been pushing to get to for a very long time. Now that I’m here I feel bored. I’ve done what I need to do, and now it’s a waiting game for work to come in so that I can actually get things done. This morning I got to work early as usual. After I'd had my cereal I didn't settle down to my usual routine of doing 60-90 mins of unpaid overtime. Instead I decided to go staffing. The hot weather has ended – now we have rain and thick clouds and cooler...
  6. Thoughts on all the changing

    Oh everything ends it seems I guess I should have known I have seen the bread I forgot in the back of the fridge mold I have seen leaving falling from trees return to the dirt People I have known have died But things are ending while i'm still alive My heart still beats and yet things are stopping I wake everyday to see my life decomposing I am not like bread or a leaf I am like a rock slowly eroding while the landscape around it quickly changes I am like a single drop of water being...
  7. Das Blog

    Monday - a stressful day at work - but me and Kristy had Dominoes for dinner. The smoke I had that evening felt like the sensation disipated rapidly. Saw a dead fledgling seagull in the place where I'm staffing at the moment. It's location confused me more than anything, as it was far from any of the roofs where they're nesting. I can only assume one of the local red kites from the nearby woods managed to swoop down and get it, but possibly lost it's grip. Whenever they circle overhead, the...
  8. Improvements in various areas

    I haven't felt the urge to write a blog in quite some time, mainly because I’ve been feeling more content in myself recently. I'd noticed that my blogs had served as a place to vent. Even though this can be a good release on occasion; it was developing into something unhelpful in my opinion. A regular blog felt like it was enabling a form of wallowing in my own self-pity and dedicating too much time to voicing negative thoughts and reactions. I'm spending a lot less time on this site. I...
  9. I got in...

    If people only knew how much stress and anxiety they caused others, they wouldn't torture them by waiting until last minute to give them vital information. Which is ironic, considering I am an Aspie. I got the call this morning at 9am that I got into my Radiography program. The admissions person (aka Gate Keeper) was robotic informing me of my admissions and upcoming orientations. She was clearly reading from a script which I found really odd considering I had been chatting with her on...
  10. Anxiety so bad I could throw up...

    This week I find out if I am accepted into a Radiography program at my local college. Actually, it should be today. My advisor told me a couple months ago that she would call accepted students on the 8th, "why make student's wait?!", she said. She was very chatty and seemed optimistic I would get into the program, which is highly competitive and only accepts 10 students a year. Admittance is based solely on GPA, which is not weighted. I have been working really hard over the past year to...
  11. That old familiar feeling...

    No matter what I do, no matter what I try, I feel so alone. I hate it. I want to not hate it. I want to be, "strong and independent," and I want people to see me that way. Unfortunately, I feel like a weirdo/alien/robot, watching people around me have normal lives, normal relationships, and trying to figure out the trick to fitting in or understanding. I don't always feel this way, but when it hits me, it hits me hard and it's pretty draining. I feel like maybe I said something similar in my...
  12. Paintball, seagulls and a Discord ranter

    I went paintballing on the weekend with a friend. It was a good time, and I did quite well on several games. The weather was very warm, and during the break between my first and second game I was a little worried if my body could go the distance. During the games your heart is racing and at times it felt like I could easily let the sensations spill into panic. Thankfully I didn't, and I enjoyed it for what it was - a good time. The day after I could barely walk - all the sprinting up and...
  13. I feel inadequate… and it makes me mad.

    I am so, so tired of feeling inadequate, or like I don’t belong anywhere. It used to make me sad, but now it just makes me angry. I hate going through all motions, thinking I’ve found someone who “gets me” … only to be proven very wrong in the end. I will elaborate more at a later time when I have access to an actual computer and keyboard instead of my phone, but I just needed to get these feelings out of my head right now. So there’s that.
  14. 3%

    I got a 3% pay rise today. It made me happy as it was one of 2 things that were making me debate how long I'd stay here. The other factor is them getting a 4th person. It's been highlighted numerous times this year, and my manager is still in discussions with the director about it. One of the managers came in today. He's not in the office much any more due to COVID, but he was in today. He just had a 10 minute chat with me and seemed genuinely interested in how I've been doing. After he'd...
  15. Lingering Effects

    This morning I woke up with quite intense neck ache. It's something that flares up now and then, and the past 2 days it hasn't been pleasant. I have a memory foam pillow that's supposed to help - turns out I had been using it the wrong way round all this time - ingenuius. After breakfast, I decided to head into work early. During the short walk from my house to the car, I noticed a lingering effect from last night's smoke. The morning air felt crisper and the sight of the trees and the...
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