My resentment, the person in my head, is namely against my Dad. All my hang-ups are because of how I look at Dad. I only resented my stepmother by proxy, because he picked her over me. But he picked work over me, a long time ago.
But by shutting off like I did. I unknowingly played into my Dad's ego. That he can control me. That he can pull the 'I know better than you' card, knowing I will not fight back. He treats me like a child still because he knows it works. He doesn't want me to challenge him ever. And when I do. He deflects everything or says he doesn't remember. Whether he remembers or not doesn't matter. He is purposely trying to keep control. Hoping I will back off. He does this to my Uncle and anyone get interacts with. He thinks he is 'the guy', and he disregards or fights anyone who challenges that.
All this tells me, is that a civil conversation about my issues is impossible with him. He is incapable of looking in the mirror. Especially when it comes to his issues with his own Dad, my grandpa. Let alone with his dysfunctional marriage with my stepmother. He outright denies anything negative is going on between him and her. He keeps saying "We love eachother." "Don't blame her for her yelling. She's Italian."
Basically excuses to not face the actual issue.
But the most damning thing is when I was a kid and I was on meds. The outbursts I was having. I beginning to think that it was my actual emotions and medication was working. It was for depression. So this tells me I was likely depressed during the time I was with my parents. But because my parents didn't want deal with it. They blamed the medication for it, instead of questioning why I was throwing tantrums and having outbursts. Immediately taking me off of it.
So all this tells me is that my parents couldn't care less about my emotions or who I could potentially be as a person. They just wanted control of me. Screw them.
But by shutting off like I did. I unknowingly played into my Dad's ego. That he can control me. That he can pull the 'I know better than you' card, knowing I will not fight back. He treats me like a child still because he knows it works. He doesn't want me to challenge him ever. And when I do. He deflects everything or says he doesn't remember. Whether he remembers or not doesn't matter. He is purposely trying to keep control. Hoping I will back off. He does this to my Uncle and anyone get interacts with. He thinks he is 'the guy', and he disregards or fights anyone who challenges that.
All this tells me, is that a civil conversation about my issues is impossible with him. He is incapable of looking in the mirror. Especially when it comes to his issues with his own Dad, my grandpa. Let alone with his dysfunctional marriage with my stepmother. He outright denies anything negative is going on between him and her. He keeps saying "We love eachother." "Don't blame her for her yelling. She's Italian."
Basically excuses to not face the actual issue.
But the most damning thing is when I was a kid and I was on meds. The outbursts I was having. I beginning to think that it was my actual emotions and medication was working. It was for depression. So this tells me I was likely depressed during the time I was with my parents. But because my parents didn't want deal with it. They blamed the medication for it, instead of questioning why I was throwing tantrums and having outbursts. Immediately taking me off of it.
So all this tells me is that my parents couldn't care less about my emotions or who I could potentially be as a person. They just wanted control of me. Screw them.
