Why do I matter to absolutely nobody?

[poorlittlefish]

I truly don't get it. I've long given up on expecting any kind of support or even acknowledgement from my family, but at work I matter to absolutely nobody either. I'm always asking my team if they are OK, but no-one ever asks me. All I hear about is how so-and-so has it so tough because their journey to work is so long or how they're worried about so-and-so because they're suffering from depression. My journey is twice as long!

One day recently, when I'd listened to all I could stand about how bad others have it I said I was, in fact, feeling so down that I could jump off a cliff. Still no-one has asked how I am, no-one has expressed any concern. I watch my boss bending over backwards to give someone all the flexibility in their hours they've asked for, but, despite being the only one whose job does not impact others, all I got told to anything and everything was no. I feel so let down; I don't even know the way to describe it. I stay because local jobs are non-existent and I like the environment, but I just don't understand why absolutely nobody gives a cr*p about me. People seem to think I have no emotion, that I can just take everything they throw at me, so if I try saying I feel awful people don't seem to believe me.

Since my divorce I've had no-one whatsoever to talk to. I have no friends and any men I date (once) say they'd like to see me again then reject me for someone else. I don't really know why I'm writing this - I suppose just to pretend I'm not alone.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I've always felt the same way. My parents don't give a damn the moment i **** up something and am no longer deemed good enough. People at work ignore my existence entirely, no one talks to me and the rare times someone does i'm so clueless as to how to act i end up throwing them off and they give up fairly quickly. Only one guy will talk to me and even then its just him joking around and me gettin totally lost as to what to say most of the time. He talks to everyone at work though - literally, everyone - so i'm not sure how much it counts that he'll chat with me from time to time.

 

[Asperganoid]

I don't really know why I'm writing this - I suppose just to pretend I'm not alone.

I have no idea how to respond to your clear state of distress. I hope this reply, and it meaning i have read each and every word, and felt moved enough to say something; shows you that at least there is a person who has cared on some level (albeit a stranger).

Sorry for what you are going through.

 

[Judge]

People seem to think I have no emotion, that I can just take everything they throw at me, so if I try saying I feel awful people don't seem to believe me.

It isn't that we don't have emotions or even empathy. It's just that we don't likely project our feelings the way a social majority expects and understands. So to them, there must be something "wrong" with us. Never mind we're just neurologically different.

And so we pay a price for being ourselves. It's a lifetime of being alienated by our own species. And then to mitigate the discomfort we put on varying degrees of acting, to fit in the best we can. And in the process, alienate ourselves. Talk about a vicious cycle! It's what has likely made me feel the same most of my life...with rare moments of feeling socially "validated" until I'm inevitably discarded by friends and lovers. Often because we cannot "adapt" to their level of understanding and acceptance.

We get you, poorlittlefish.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

My one friend in real life divorced her emotionally abusive husband, and it was a miserable, miserable experience, which she is still recovering from (2 years later, after over a decade of marriage).

Like Asperganoid, I felt your words and recognize them as familiar.

Like Judge, we pay a price for being who we are with people who do not understand what it is to be so different from most people and yet look so similar.

As for me, now that I am starting to give up doing things that don't make sense, I find myself getting more solitary and yet I crave company. And I do feel the aloneness. It's like a huge pressure wave in my head. I am grappling with how to change my approach to communications that includes some recognition on my part of emotional logic: why this or that "meaningless" thing can be so important. It is what I am asking some of them to do for me, after all.

Like this "good morning, how are you," thing. I don't actually care, but I found that if I altered my pitch, tone, and speed of the words, different results started to happen. It's as if people started to do double-takes between what they think I think and what I actually think. This all started because someone said, a little enviously, "You act like you don't care what other people think."

It was the envy that got the message across in a way that the words by themselves didn't.

Hang in there.

 

[Judge]

I find myself getting more solitary and yet I crave company.

It never ends....at yet I continue to be able to really explain it. I can describe it as you have, but it makes no sense, yet is a very real and constant social dynamic for so many of us.

What always bothers me the most was that I felt that if I couldn't adequately explain it, how can NTs expect to understand it?

 

[Christopher Nicholson]

I know how you feel. It's like you are invisible. When I felt like this it was what I called panic mode, I wanted people to acknowledge how I felt but it was like every time I expressed myslef people just got off the subject and I was left alone. Strange feeling to be alone in a full room of people.

I know how you feel and I realize you have heard this but time heals all wounds.

 

[Ylva]

I'd probably stop giving a cr*p right back, and hang a sign on my door that read: "I feel miserable, thanks for asking". Might not work for everyone.

 

[garnetflower13]

Yes, I totally get this! I have worked in many places where people started out friendly, then slowly back off, then turn on me. Each time I was hurt, bewildered, and left wondering what I could have possible done to deserve being treated so badly? It wasn't until I was diagnosed that I finally understood. There was a wonderful feeling to knowing exactly what was going on in these workplace situations, and that I had to option to mentally say, "screw them!" I realized that it wasn't so much that I craved the friendship of my co- workers, but rather that I craved to not be constantly reminded that I was different!

But nevertheless, it is a painful place to be.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

You know, the direct approach can work, if you keep it in the first person. Can be risky, but can also open doors. "I ask for this (on this date) and I got (response)." Quite an interesting conversation can be had when that's happened a few times and you still want what you asked for. Pick a safe person and some smaller things for the first attempt, and do it on a day when you're feeling reasonably OK.

Advice can be really annoying when you want sympathy, and I apologise if that wasn't the response you were looking for...I have another twist to put on it, if you'll be patient.

* * *

I reread the exchange you documented. I have found, to my sorrow, that if people are complaining about inconveniences and I bring up something deep and dark, they don't respond, they just pull away. They can't enjoy complaining about their commute when one person in the group is thinking about a one-way trip.

Death and madness scare people who count on not having to encounter either. I sometimes feel as if I daren't say what I think because people will think dark thoughts and feelings are a virus they'll catch. Or perhaps it's because they know immediately that they don't know what to do.

It also can end what was a pleasurable wallow in self-pity, because your self-pity is so much darker and bigger. That makes them feel small. Which invites avoidance behavior.

 

[Naturalist]

I have often felt as if I was invisible, and people seemed to expect me to be supportive and understanding of them yet no one reciprocated these sentiments. I think they do get the impression we don't need their interest in us, but for those of us who make an effort (sometimes, a massive effort) to be caring and considerate, it is a really depressing thing when no one can make the effort on our behalf.

A few years back I found a boss who thought I was interesting and who believed in my abilities. Because other colleagues respect him enormously, people started taking an interest in me, too. I can now say that there are a lot of people who really do care about me, and take the time to remind me on a daily basis. Some of them are my students, some of whom I suspect may also be Aspies and many of whom are social "misfits" like me. Others are faculty who are fed up with the charade of normalcy and don't mind when I come bounding into their office to announce something odd like "'Froggigator' is really a labyrinthodon". Because who wants to go on endlessly about our boring personal lives when we could discuss the dinosaur sculptures produced for the Crystal Palace exhibition of 1854?

Long story short, I think environment counts for a lot. It's really hard to find an environment which suits us, and often, we can't find that ideal environment on our own. So it feels extra lonely when others don't seem to care. I am sorry you are experiencing that isolation right now, poorlittlefish. If it feels as if you are swimming upstream, it is okay to find a tidepool and wait quietly, rest, and relax. (Sorry if that is weird, I am crap with metaphors.)

 

[Naturalist]

Death and madness scare people who count on not having to encounter either. I sometimes feel as if I daren't say what I think because people will think dark thoughts and feelings are a virus they'll catch. Or perhaps it's because they know immediately that they don't know what to do.

It also can end what was a pleasurable wallow in self-pity, because your self-pity is so much darker and bigger. That makes them feel small. Which invites avoidance behavior.

This is incredibly insightful... if they are talking about their hardships as a way to gain attention, then their indifference toward you isn't about you, it is about THEM being selfish. Brilliant.

 

[Warmheart]

The title of this thread is a conundrum I am quite familiar with. My compassion for your present pain. ((((Hug))))

 

[pax]

I have often felt as if I was invisible, and people seemed to expect me to be supportive and understanding of them yet no one reciprocated these sentiments. I think they do get the impression we don't need their interest in us, but for those of us who make an effort (sometimes, a massive effort) to be caring and considerate, it is a really depressing thing when no one can make the effort on our behalf.

.)

This is howI often feel. A lot of the time now I don't bother.

 

[Suzanne]

First, bravo for keeping to your work, despite everything.

I get you, because has been my lot for years. It does hurt and gets to the point, that I just don't ask now, as much, be a use when I ask, I really care, but like you said: when your journey is twice as long, it can really cause resentment to mount up.

Unfortunately, we live in a culture of selfishness.

I need to phone someone, but have been stalling, because she really does care and to be frank, I would be calling to see how she is. Being that if I am asked a direct question, I tend to answer honestly, but wow to say: well, I was recently told that I am close to being a diabetic 2, is bad enough, since she is but number 1. And then, to add that I am on the road to heart disease, wow you can imagine how that call would go lol. But as it happens, I believe I am out of danger now ie personal change and so, can phone and concentrate on her.

My being one of Jehovah's Witnesses, truly helps me, because I do have a couple of people who ask how I am.

You can inbox me if you want a listening ear

 

[tachyon]

It also can end what was a pleasurable wallow in self-pity, because your self-pity is so much darker and bigger. That makes them feel small. Which invites avoidance behavior.

A4H
I think you have distilled one major part of the problem here.
Perhaps ALL problems are perceived, but some people want to elicit pity from their peer group. I'm not sure if I'm typical of all aspies, but I don't care for pity and would rather have understanding which is very different in my opinion. I long ago abandoned hope of obtaining understanding from a peer group & now try to avoid any discussion on the topic of difficulties with the 'social group'. Sometimes (very rarely now) I am confronted by that sort of social request and just do my best to nod & make acceptable noises, but the truth is that 'I just don't really give a dead rat's *r*se' and I know with great certainty that the person I'm talking to has even less interest in my life - they're just looking for some kind of validation/emotional-support.

Nothing wrong with seeking emotional support, but you must be capable of dealing with the OP's genuine response to that & not just seeking warm & fuzzy affirmations of your righteous behaviour.

poorlittlefish - stay strong. I won't say it becomes 'easy', but it does become 'easier'

 

[watersprite]

Poorlittlefish, I am in the same or very similar situation. You are not alone in that aspect, thought I am aware it is not much, if any, comfort. I have decided to have conversations with myself in paint, and I share some of them here on AC. Despite the solitary nature of existence, it is still an adventure; at least on the days where light wins out over dark.

 

[Walsie]

I don't really know why I'm writing this - I suppose just to pretend I'm not alone.

Because we have been there, some still are, and understand. I'm sorry your family and co-workers suck, but most people are takers, wine and beef friends, and users, and generally not worth your time and concern. What they don't understand they don't want to, too much work, too uncomfortable, can't be bothered, it's better to play the game. You don't play politics (not your fault, it's an awful waste of time and energy, plus we don't know how to play), so you're penalised for it, not just ignored.

Are there no bread and water friends for you to talk to?

 

[Annayoung]

I truly don't get it. I've long given up on expecting any kind of support or even acknowledgement from my family, but at work I matter to absolutely nobody either. I'm always asking my team if they are OK, but no-one ever asks me. All I hear about is how so-and-so has it so tough because their journey to work is so long or how they're worried about so-and-so because they're suffering from depression. My journey is twice as long!

One day recently, when I'd listened to all I could stand about how bad others have it I said I was, in fact, feeling so down that I could jump off a cliff. Still no-one has asked how I am, no-one has expressed any concern. I watch my boss bending over backwards to give someone all the flexibility in their hours they've asked for, but, despite being the only one whose job does not impact others, all I got told to anything and everything was no. I feel so let down; I don't even know the way to describe it. I stay because local jobs are non-existent and I like the environment, but I just don't understand why absolutely nobody gives a cr*p about me. People seem to think I have no emotion, that I can just take everything they throw at me, so if I try saying I feel awful people don't seem to believe me.

Since my divorce I've had no-one whatsoever to talk to. I have no friends and any men I date (once) say they'd like to see me again then reject me for someone else. I don't really know why I'm writing this - I suppose just to pretend I'm not alone.

Not to discredit your struggles at all . I think you can help people and they won't reciprocate not because of Asperger's but because not everyone will thank/help someone who helped them .. I hope I explained that correctly . This may not even apply to you .
Ps. I know of someone who helped at least 30 people with their lives & atleast half of those people wished him dead, didn't help him. They were selfish & felt they were not obligated to return the favor . One person out of them all returned the favor & tried to help him back during his struggles.


I use to help others all the time, until I read the "nice girl syndrome " It is now time for me to take care of myself like I did everyone else .this thread was enlightening . I don't think it's always us some times other people are poo

 

[Progster]

This happens to me, too. I think that people have a social radar, and if you're not one of the 'gang', one of the popular people and are one the edge, you're off their radar so they don't pay you any attention. I've noticed that when a popular person has a birthday, the others will rally round, fix surprise parties, make cakes for them, etc, or on forums they start a "happy birthday" thread for that person. When I have a birthday, family members send birthday greetings, but apart form that, nobody bothers, even when they know that I have a birthday and even though I send them greetings. This isn't a complaint - actually, I don't like attention and I certainly don't like surprise parties - it's merely an observation.