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What's on your mind right now?

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by GrownupGirl, Dec 27, 2018.

  1. Sapphire K

    Sapphire K Autistic Demigirl! (She/They/It) V.I.P Member

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    I am an anxious wreck rn.
     
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  2. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    The wind is not annoying me today. Somehow, it’s a pleasant sensation.
     
  3. ForestGumpett

    ForestGumpett Well-Known Member

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    Can’t wait to go to bed
     
  4. GrownupGirl

    GrownupGirl Tempermental Artist

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    I got my first covid vaccine today.:)

    I've spent my life eating things like baloney, hot dogs, and sausages and I'm still alive, so I'm really not worried what "horrible" chemicals there could be in the vaccine.:D
     
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  5. Kari Kluter

    Kari Kluter New Member

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    Hi,

    I'm 33, I live in a nursing home, and I have a very strong feeling that I'm in the autism spectrum, probably Asperger's.

    I live in a nursing home, because I have anorexia, anxiety, and depression.

    Does it sound like I have an autism spectrum disorder? If so, what kind? I'm desperate to know.

    Here's some of my symptoms -

    I was completely non-verbal for a few years, and I would only communicate with letters and my hands. The only sound that would come out of me during that time was screams.

    I love looking at chains of numbers. I look at chains of numbers searching for the numbers 777, 17, and 444, because they're signs from God. I like seeing those numbers, because it gives me hope.

    I love spinning things, especially fans. I can look at fans spinning around for hours, because it's so interesting. Also, when I'm stressed out, I like to spin around, and I'm obsessed with spiral shapes like spiral staircases, fusilli pasta, and cavatapi pasta.

    I like to be alone, and I like to stay in my room all day. Socializing has always been a huge struggle for me. I started becoming scared of people right after I had a hepatitis b vaccine when I was 11. That's also when I started withdrawing from everyone and everything and staying at home all day. I was never the same after that vaccine.

    Ever since I was little, I had autistic tendencies like poor hygiene, shyness, hardly talking, and liking to be alone, but I don't think it became Asperger's syndrome until my hepatitis b vaccine in 1998, and I really feel that the mold in my house from 2009 - 2018 made my Asperger's a lot worse.

    I'm scared to go outside, because the outside world is scary and very unpredictable.

    Too many people around me, too much movement, and too many loud sounds can make me meltdown, because it overwhelms me.

    I've had anxiety and OCD since I was 7.

    It's so hard to find the right words to express myself, and when I do find the right words to say, I can never express myself in a normal way. I'm either very quiet and hardly say anything, or I explode and say alot of stuff about myself in a fast, panicked way and scream if I'm scared enough.

    I never understood jokes. I have trouble figuring out if someone is joking or not. I take everything so seriously.

    I'm so scared of changes. Change spooks me out, because I can't predict it, so I have no control over it.

    I constantly think there's a connection between things. I don't believe in coincidence.

    I love repetitive numbers and patterns like 777, 444, circles, rings, and black and white checkerboard patterns. The alternating black and white squares are so fascinating.

    I don't like to talk, especially about myself. I usually only talk if someone asks me a question or if I need something.

    I don't bathe that often. Ever since I was a little girl, I hated bathing. The most I would ever bathe was once a week because I hated the feel of water on my skin. And since 2010, it became scary to bathe, because it overwhelms me so much. I become so scared when I'm overwhelmed. I can't handle bathing that often.

    I don't brush my teeth, because it's too overwhelming. Also I don't like the feel of bristles in my mouth.

    I don't comb my hair, because it overwhelms me.

    I rarely change my clothes, because it overwhelms me.

    I read that autistic people have a strong sense of fairness and justice, which is exactly what I stand for. Ever since I was little, I've always been all about fairness, justice, and equal rights for everyone. When someone is unfair to someone else, it breaks my heart. Also, unfairness, injustice, and inequality throw the world out of balance.

    I'm very empathetic, but I don't express it physically or verbally. I just feel empathy emotionally deep down in my heart. Also, I feel emotions so strongly, but I rarely show them. One of the only times I show them is when I meltdown. When I meltdown, I'm overwhelmed with emotion and I can't control it. I have so much empathy for people and animals who are hurting. I even have empathy for plants and inanimate objects like electronics, appliances, and vehicles, because they all have feelings and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

    Hardly anything interests me. The only things that interest me are Delta Burke, Freddie Mercury, autism, 80s music, and cartoons, and I'm obsessed with them.

    I feel things so deeply. I'm the deepest person you'll ever meet. I've been deep ever since I was little.

    I notice tiny little details. I never see the big picture, metaphorically or literally. All I see is the details in the picture, and I focus and dwell on them.

    From my teenage years to my late 20s, I had very violent tantrums, and I loved to throw things, destroy things, scream, slam doors repeatedly, and stomp around like crazy.

    I don't like my head to be touched. For as long as I can remember, I never liked being touched on the head.

    I never kissed anyone, and I never want to.

    I was never in any romantic relationship, because I never wanted it. I'll never want to date or marry anyone.

    Sometimes I get so scared that I scream, and I can't control it.

    When my feelings are hurt, I have a total meltdown and I become hysterical.

    I read that autistic people are kids trapped inside of adults bodies, and I always acted like a toddler, having tantrums, embarrassing public outbursts, screaming, stomping like crazy, and slamming doors. Also, I always loved cartoons and kid shows. I've always been very immature.

    I hate fiction, because I can't get into something that's fake because it's a lie. I read that some people with Asperger's dislike fiction.

    I'm the most competitive, jealous perfectionist you'll ever meet, and I can't help but compare myself to other people. Almost everyone makes me sad when I compare myself to them because they're either better looking, thinner, or have a faster metabolism than me. When I don't measure up to someone else, my heart breaks and I feel like the ugliest person in the world then I meltdown. It's a horrible feeling.

    I'm too sensitive for this world, I take everything personally, and I'm so misunderstood. I don't feel like anyone in the world understands me, and I never fit in. I think the only person who would ever understand me is an autistic person.

    I wanna blow up and scream when I'm frustrated.

    I never could ride a bike. I tried to learn to ride a bike once, but it was a nightmare because I couldn't build up enough speed to make it move and I kept falling over. I couldn't get it to balance, so I gave up, had a tantrum, and stomped off because I was so frustrated. I never learned how to ride a bike, and I never want to.

    I look very stiff when I walk, because I press my arms tight against my body. When I walk, I'm stiff like a soldier or a nutcracker. I read that autistic people have a unique posture like they're rigid or floppy and I think rigid would describe the way I walk.

    I told social services at my nursing home that I want to get tested for autism, but I don't think they'll have me tested for it because they assume I'm not autistic because I don't act like another person at the nursing home who has Asperger's. For some reason, they think all autistic people act the same. They don't understand that there's different levels of severity, and they don't understand that even though a person isn't as severe as another autistic person, it doesn't mean that person isn't autistic. I don't understand their logic.

    How do I convince them that I'm autistic and I need to be tested?

    Please help me.

    Thank you so much.

    Sincerely,
    Kari
     
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  6. Paul Lee

    Paul Lee Well-Known Member

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    I feel pretty knackered today. Just hope that my life issues and current situation improves soon.
     
  7. Jorg

    Jorg Well-Known Member

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    I had my 1st job interview today, it was a first short telephonic interview, it may be a possible 2nd one. I think it went pretty well, I even had to talk in english (for those who don't know me, I'm from Costa Rica, I speak spanish), but even when I am a little rusty with talking I think it went pretty well.
     
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  8. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    Disclaimer:
    Not on my mind *right now.*
    It was 20 minutes ago.

    I heard a word on television and I thought
    of calling my mother.

    But, I can't call my mother because she is dead.
    She died in 2015.
     
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  9. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    How to be practical about emotions.
     
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  10. Jorg

    Jorg Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry for the spam, a couple of hours ago I got a 2nd call, and I have a 2nd interview scheduled for next tuesday! This one is going to be online with a camera and engineers from another country.

    I read some posts from people struggling with anxiety or emotions, I could suggest you to write them down, with paper and pencil. I have dealing with anxiety and stress, even more as I have spent more than a year almost only lock down in my house; and since december, january I have been writting on a journal, first a list of everything I am thankful for, then I have other more like a "diary" with positive sentences about myself. Doing so has really helped me during this months, I really didn't believe it like at the beginning, but it works almost instantly. When you are anxious, stressed, write you feelings, try don't be negative and then write positive stuff, remember yourself you can do it, you are worth it.
     
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  11. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    I am screwed up and just crappy at relationships. I feel bad and shame. I felt to close and l couldn't adult with it so that makes me feel more shame. I feel like l want to isolate and feel like myself again. I am scared.
     
  12. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

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    Er, just so you know, you might want to take this very post, copy it, and put it in a whole seperate topic all its own.

    Otherwise I guarantee you, nobody is going to notice it, as this is currently posted in an already ongoing "for fun" sort of topic.

    Create a whole new topic instead with a new title and post it in the "general autism discussion" part of the forum and you'll actually get responses.
     
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  13. QueenOfFrance87

    QueenOfFrance87 Let them eat tuna! V.I.P Member

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    My color by number app is not working right. I contacted support, but they won't be available until after Memorial Day. I felt like a drug user quitting cold turkey for the first time, because this app always kept me calm.

    I bought a paint by number picture at the craft store, but it may not feel the same.
     
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  14. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    Breathing, cooking, atrempting to turn away anger.
     
  15. Jorg

    Jorg Well-Known Member

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    Anxious. My neighboors apparently are positive for that thing you know the name that it has kept the world in lockdown. Since like last week my mother has heard one of them coughing a lot and apparently this week it was official. They are my uncles and cousins but truth to be told they are a littgle irresponsible, even today I saw my uncle on the street (I was driving, he was several meter away) and he was not wearing mask, ffs he's like 70yo diabetic; some months ago his wife's brother died of that!

    My parents are already vaccinated but I still am not, since it is the goverment the one giving the vaccines and I am still 30yo, the priority right now are people 16yo to 58yo with risk deseases.

    I feel anxious and angered.
     
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  16. QueenOfFrance87

    QueenOfFrance87 Let them eat tuna! V.I.P Member

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    Concerned about my 18 y/o cat. Even though she's okay right now, I just know she will pass in the next year or two.
     
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  17. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    Much sadness and too many things on my mind I don’t have a clue where to start.
    Making lists for now.
     
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  18. Qoyote

    Qoyote Well-Known Member

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    One of my pet peeves is how some millennials talk. Like, I just used the word "like" without thinking so it's not like I don't "talk young", but some people sound like they're on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I don't know why but it drives me up the wall.

    Maybe I just don't like it when people over 30 sound like teens. It's like they didn't become Mr. Business when they became an adult, so they've resigned themselves to identifying as teens forever. I don't want that to be my future, you know?
     
  19. QueenOfFrance87

    QueenOfFrance87 Let them eat tuna! V.I.P Member

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    Thinking about my cat again. She is 18 years old, and currently on CBD for her seizures. Even though 18 is a good age for a cat, no matter how prepared for her future death I am, I will never actually be ready for her to leave this planet. She was my only friend for a while, and had always been there for me. While she is doing fine now (she has less seizures now and can jump onto my bed), I feel that it would only be a matter of time.

    There is a story on my coloring app about an injured man who adopted a cat for the sake of healing. Every though they spent a lot of time together, after a while, the cat fell ill and passed away. I haven't finished the rest of the story yet.

    The thought of my cat leaving hurts me, and triggered my depression. I had to leave group yesterday because of this, and had to contact my doctor to see if he can see me sooner, but no response so far. His nurse said that he is out of the office until Friday, so I have to settle with telling about it during group tomorrow, and explain why I left early yesterday. I will also see my therapist on Friday as well.

    I feel so bad right now, because my depression has taken a turn as a result, and I allowed it to happened. I am not suicidal, but I have felt uninterested in almost everything, except for coloring. And the weather isn't helping because it's raining. Today is almost over, and I am hoping a nice sleep will help...
     
  20. Paul Lee

    Paul Lee Well-Known Member

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    It's time for my bed. :blush: