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What went on in your head before you were diagnosed?

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Autisticool, May 24, 2022.

  1. Autisticool

    Autisticool Member

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    I'm interested in knowing what went through your head BEFORE you began wondering if you were autistic. This question pertains to those who got their d'x as adults like me.

    For instance I've thought to myself a few times:

    "I'm wired differently."

    I'd also think on several occasions, "What ever that X factor is that enables people to make friends, I don't have."

    These mental patterns were foreshadowings of my eventual diagnosis.
     
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  2. Darkkin

    Darkkin Lioness of Spoons V.I.P Member

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    I knew my brain was different, but it was not a planetary shift when I got the truth of my actual diagnosis, not just my ADHD label. (As a teenager, I trained our shibas in my own dialect of elvish. That was not an ADHD trait.) Official diagnosed at four, informed about it at nineteen.

    A lot of my personality, I just attributed to my major introversion. I also grew up in a family of introverts, my younger brother being the only extrovert.

    As far as friends and people, I don't know why, but I get adopted into groups and toted along. Not sure why people like me, but they do.
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2022
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  3. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    As a teen, I did not understand why I seemed different. I never understood what was going on socially and became avoidant, especially knowing that I could not afford to look trendy. By 25 I understood clearly that I was not normal socially and that led me to dislike who I was despite enjoying my interests. I thought of myself as damaged and had no social value. By studying and applying self help books, similar to CBT, I was able to get out of that cage. Only 35 years later was I diagnosed.
     
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  4. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Please slap me down if this is too much, but from many of your responses I can see why. You appear confident in who you are, well balanced, and always thoughtful. I enjoy that there are many people like that here.
     
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  5. GrownupGirl

    GrownupGirl Tempermental Artist V.I.P Member

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    The last few months before I was diagnosed I thought I was turning into a raging psychopath. And the staff at the home and at the hospital seemed to think so as well.
     
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  6. AprilR

    AprilR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    That i had a ugly, defective part inside me i should hide forever. I don't think like that anymore though, thankfully
     
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  7. Gerontius

    Gerontius Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I thought the rest of pretty much everyone was crazy, and wondered why there seemed to be so many things going on that made zero sense.
     
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  8. SpiltPaint

    SpiltPaint Member

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    Honestly, I thought I was crazy, though I expect my experience was a little different. I incurred a brain injury and assumed everything was from that. 10 years later after being passed from doctor to doctor I got diagnosed with ASD, since then everything makes sense.
     
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  9. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes V.I.P Member

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    I thought that l think differently. I didn't pass judgement on me or other people.

    We are all entitled to how we think. No judgment is needed. More understanding is needed.
     
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  10. Neonatal RRT

    Neonatal RRT Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Looking back, I had some sense I was different, but without any real thought behind it. All I knew was "me",...I had no perspective of another's life experience to say to myself "I am not normal". I was just living my life, without much care in the world, and never really questioning things. Sure, I had some "behavior issues", but I was pretty much a "ferral" kid without much supervision, growing up in the 1960's-1980's,...I got in trouble,...I got punished,...so what? Perhaps I really didn't care about people enough to try to please them,...and so never had a sense that I was a "failing neurotypical",...it just never crossed my mind much. I pretty much never thought of others,...but I never thought of myself as a self-centered, mean kid, either,...there was never "intent" behind behaviors that hurt others,...I just didn't understand, took my punishment, and went along my merry way, with no lesson learned.

    I think the first thing I noticed was the fact that even though I was always part of the group, I was on the periphery. I noticed that my best friends growing up,...had best friends, and they weren't me,...not ever. Girls were attracted to me. I was attracted to them. Just couldn't communicate with them in any sort of meaningful way. Always had to write letters to them, even if they read them while I was there. I've written many letters to my wife. I never thought of myself as an introvert growing up, but as an adult, very much so,...and for years just thought I was introverted. At the university, I disliked discussions and questions being asked of me, because my thoughts were always "out of the box" enough to get the strange looks from the instructors and classmates,...like I was way off the mark of the conversation. However, I could write very well and that saved my grade point average more than once. My perspective was off, or I had little sense of other's. I would get hyperfocused on things that were not part of my studies,...very intrusive,...and my grades suffered at times. When I would get sick,...my sensory issues really fired up,...I didn't know what they were,...the ringing in the head, the visual snow, the light and noise sensitivities,...never put "2 and 2 together". I never understood that other people didn't have sensory issues,...I've never NOT had them, so I never thought to ask anyone or comment on it. In respiratory school I found my focus and interest,...went 3 years with 99-100% in all my classes,...but I busted my butt to do it. Out in the workforce after school,...a seemingly arrogant, aloof, smarter than you, jerk,...had to be the best,...busted my butt to make sure no one knew more than I did,...hated not knowing. People noticed,...sometimes good,...sometimes bad,...but I was alienating myself. No friends,...never gave it a thought,...never cared. Never recognized professional hierarchy,...treated everyone the same,...got some questioning looks. It wasn't until I started learning about autism that I started to recognize some symptoms that crossed over with myself,...but for years my wife and I just pushed it off,...never knew about Asperger's condition until my children were about 10 years old and a neighbor kid with Asperger's came over to play with my boys. It would be years later when I started learning about autism,...and a co-worker with an autistic son commented that I might be on the spectrum,...and I took the Autism Quotient on-line test and scored quite high,...that I thought I should be evaluated. About this same time, one of those "efficiency experts" audited our department and our workloads increased significantly,...and despite having 30+ years experience,...was struggling to keep up,...the stress and anxiety (which I never seemed to have before) was getting the better of me. I then made an appointment to be seen.

    Once I took the "deep dive" into the topic of autism, I could look back at my life and make many connections with "autistic behaviors". I was able to make a list for my psychologist,...a bullet pointed list,...170+ things,...my "You might be autistic if,..." list.
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2022
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  11. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I self diagnosed eventually, when I came across autism. But up till then I thought I came from a family that was odd plus had problems and losses, and that I seemed poor at anything around socialising, despite continually trying to improve and join in. I thought I was shy, introverted and could improve and get support through therapy. So did that for about 50 years, in retrospect it became a special interest and a career of sorts; made progress in some areas but not with unstructured social interaction.

    Then I was looking for what the missing link could be. Successful in employment but not always in relating with others at work. But adequate. Around this time started working with young people with Aspergers/ ASD 1, and their families. Recognised how the way I am or had been was similar. After a year or 2, self diagnosed. Think I may have the quiet form of ADHD too. At least I know.
     
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  12. Stuttermabolur

    Stuttermabolur A psychologist said so

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    To tell you the truth, I am so aloof that I genuinely didn't think of it until people suggested it. I mean, I was a deeply weird kid, I just thought that, well, everyone was weird. I thought my classmates were really boring and some of them were mean, but I don't remember thinking "but what is wrong with me". My traits were starting to have a pretty major effect on my relationship with my ex (when she was, you know, not my ex) and she cajoled me after a lot of resistance into taking one of those online tests with her. It was sort of funny, because I kept wanting to pick answers that made me out to be outside the spectrum, but she was like, nah, you are absolutely terrible with people (and she was right). I probably would have scored differently if she wasn't there to keep me in check.

    In other words, I am so bad at noticing things that I didn't even notice that I'm bad at noticing.
     
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  13. Atrapa Almas

    Atrapa Almas 70% INTJ + 30% ASPIE = 100% HUMAN V.I.P Member

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    This tread responses have triggered some memories on me, a lot of empathy and sadness. I can relate to what many of you have said.

    I think it has been somewhat therapeutic for me.

    Thank you all. :)
     
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  14. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes V.I.P Member

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    I don't want to look to closely. I just want to think l am just like you. :)
     
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  15. Ronald Zeeman

    Ronald Zeeman Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I never though about it, all I knew was that we were as a family different. I knew as a family we were unusually bright, and many people saw us as strange and a bit aloof. other than that did not see any thing abnormal about myself, other than I was not as bright as my sibling's.
     
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  16. PastelPetals

    PastelPetals Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    When I was very small (8 and younger) I thought I was not human specifically that I was an alien from 8 to 14 I thought I was autistic since 8 was the first time I saw the diagnostic criteria (also the year I got my iep oddly enough) I also thought I was a bit slow and at times I guess I am no shame in it though.
     
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  17. Atrapa Almas

    Atrapa Almas 70% INTJ + 30% ASPIE = 100% HUMAN V.I.P Member

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    So when I was a small child I was not that aware that I was different. I had some weird tastes, but as I was not very aware of the others I did not realize my tastes were weird. My mom and dad allways supported my tastes, so I had no bad feedbacks at that time.

    I had my first conctacts with friends at that time, I was kinda innocent but also very vengeful. So when someone bullied me I always found ways to make them pay. That way I never recall have been a victim.

    As I growed up, things started being more social. By the time girls entered into the scene, I was an outcast of my former group of friend. I was no cool, and I had no interest in girls, and I did not understand why my friends got hacked when girls were arround. My concept of girls was not very good, they were strange criatures that hack my friends and played with their feelings (now I like you, now I dont games).

    Some years later I started liking girls, but I had no idea of how to comunicate with them. They did not like bikes, football, climbing, miniatures, comics... they did not liked nothing but small talk and playing with guys feelings...and being cute... and never getting dirty... and I was very angry at myself for feeling attracted by them. But I was. I entered a new school some time later, I was 15 or 16 by that time.

    The most popular girl was sitted at my side, we were sharing the table. She was so cool, all guys were crazy about her. Some day she told me:

    -Hey, I have been seated with you for a week and you have not even once talked to me, not even looked at me, you even seem angry at me. Why do you treat me that bad? :eek:
    - Well... I answered looking her to that deep green-blue eyes... You are the most popular girl in the class so I supposed you should be really stupid, manipulative and evil. Thats why. :)


    She was my first female friend, I made more that year and the followings. I think they helped me to become more human. I never was normal enought to have a girlfriend but friendship was enought for me. By that time I became aware of being way more intelligent that almost everybody in the school and to have social problems. Autism was an unknown word at that time in my small town.

    I still was an outcast in my traditional group of friends and started joining other groups of people. Not being part of many groups was better than been an outcast of one only group. I think that helped to not being bullied that much and also my vengeful nature.

    - Hey! We may punch you one of theese days, stupid Atrapa Almas.
    - You better kill me then, if not I will use my pencil as a knife the first day I catch you distracted. I will not kill you, just will let you blind for the rest of your miserable and pathetic life.
    ;)

    Something strange happened when we started doing our school trips. When we went to discos and pubs, some nice girls would get interest in me so I would have some casual sex (kisses and that stuff). That never happened in my town. Never happened when some girl got to know me. So my body was fine, but I was not to be loved, just liked if the person didnt know me. That made me look at my female friends in a different way, I realized that for them I was like a gay friend. Great for talking, thats it. It was difficult to diggest.

    As the nigth thing was not for me, as drinking was not for me, as pretending to be normal was not for me, I started meeting people in online games. I wanted to be loved. I started working on myself. By the end of my university years I was able to have my first girlfriend who loved me, for some months. :D

    And some years later I would meet my wife, who loved me as I was. I remember feeling like my live was in colours when It had being black and white until that time. By that time I had refused to be a genius and had spent years working on my weak spots. I came to Mexico and started working, had more responsabilities, learned about how to be a good boss, learnead about psicology, about neurodivergences, I found myself in the INTJ description... and one year later boom. Aspergers.

    And here I am. What was in my head before? a full life of trying and crying and trying ... and crying and trying again. I now have a lovely daugther too, and both my wife and daugther love me as I am. :)

    Some people still ask me how could I have abbandoned my country, my friends, my family, my carreer in Spain to start from zero at Mexico. Well, easy. I was being loved.

    Thank you for reading, feel free to comment. I really needed to vent. :)
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2022
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  18. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️ V.I.P Member

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    I knew that I was weird.
    My mom & I thought that it was only due to my identified giftedness.
    As I got older, I noticed that some gifteds were able to "switch on*" social skills where I could not.
    My Aspergers ASD1 diagnosis accounted for that.

    *Not just masking.
     
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  19. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    That is so amazing! Like you, being accepted in that way after so much struggle is life altering. Having the freedom to be who I am and being loved, and loving, an accepting woman really set me free.
     
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  20. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I never thought anything about it until I was 13.
    Not caring about playing with or having other kids as friends was just me and I never felt bad about it.
    Every adult that knew me always told me I was born "old."
    It seemed I just knew a lot about life that no one had to teach me. Looking back, I see that
    is true.
    I would watch other kids doing things that I thought was silly.

    At age 13 I started worrying about not being normal.
    I had OCD mildly, but, no one knew it and I didn't understand what was going on with my
    obsessings.
    I also started having anxiety attacks that would send me running out of class or stores.
    Didn't know what was going on with that either.
    I just wanted to stay home where everything was familiar and had a routine.

    I never developed the desires I saw others in teen years and college that just seemed to
    come naturally. Still no friends, no care for having any either.
    It was like I was emotionally stuck around age 12. This caused more isolation as I couldn't
    relate to what others felt or talked about wanting out of life.
    Relationships, sex, marriage, kids, moving out in some driven want for independence.
    Nope. I was happy with myself except for the anxiety disorder and sensory problems such as
    visual snow, touch, feel of clothes, hugs, and sounds were bothersome.
    Even people chatter bothered me.

    I lived in my own world of my design. Just fine.
    The only thing I worried about as I became an adult was how could I survive without my parents
    when the whole world of people around me I really felt no bonding with.
    When my bubble world burst and found myself alone, only then did a counselor tell me about
    Aspergers and told me I should see a psychologist that specialized in it.
    All the pieces fell into place.
     
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