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Lundi

Well-Known Member
I am a 30 year old American male. My first thread on this forum was written when I was 29, about my fears about turning 30 and being a virgin. Not by choice, not by some sort of religious belief like abstinence, but rather just it happened that way without my wanting it to.

I did some research into my family history, in this case my mother's family history. My mother has also had problems with attraction like I do, and she was a virgin until age 27. My maternal grandfather (her father) was a virgin almost until age 50. In other words, even though I am only 30 years old, my grandfather was born before the end of the First World War. I remember vaguely about how family said that he had trouble finding a wife that it took him until his late 40s to do so. Both my mother and I have Asperger's, and whilst my grandfather had several mental issues including severe OCD, it is suspected that he had at least mild ASD.

Now, going back further, my great-grandfather (my grandfather's father) was born in the 1860s. He was in his 50s when my grandfather was born. I think that he got married in his late 40s. There is not much data after that, but there is a record that my great-great-grandfather (my great-grandfather's father) was born in the 1810s. So he was probably in the late 40s or early 50s when my great-grandfather was born. As no one who is still alive in the family would know, no one knows why he was that old when he finally got married and had children. In the 1800s, a man still single/virgin his 40s and 50s was probably looked upon as having missed the boat. In other words, I am 30 years old, but my great-great-grandfather was born during the time of Napoleon.

So I was wondering, is there something that my mother's family inherited and passed down (especially the males) that makes it so hard for us to lose our virginity? I remember my grandfather being quite socially awkward and aloof, and I see this in myself and my mother as well. Is there something in our blood that makes us repulsive to the opposite sex?

Maybe I am overthinking this with my tendency to overanalyse things, but I just thought that this is more than coincidental, especially because my father's side of the family does not have this problem.
 
So I was wondering, is there something that my mother's family inherited and passed down (especially the males) that makes it so hard for us to lose our virginity? I remember my grandfather being quite socially awkward and aloof, and I see this in myself and my mother as well. Is there something in our blood that makes us repulsive to the opposite sex?
Yeah. Autism.

Only it isn't being repulsive. It's being slow to mature socially.

We sometimes hear the statistics that children born to older parents, particularly older men, are more likely to be autistic ... as if that can be avoided by just breeding younger. But I think the reason those parents don't have kids when they are younger is that they are slow to mature socially - autistic, in other words. It could be that the whole effect of more autism in kids of older parents is entirely a matter of those parents being (at least slightly) autistic, themselves.
 
Yeah. Autism.

Only it isn't being repulsive. It's being slow to mature socially.

We sometimes hear the statistics that children born to older parents, particularly older men, are more likely to be autistic ... as if that can be avoided by just breeding younger. But I think the reason those parents don't have kids when they are younger is that they are slow to mature socially - autistic, in other words. It could be that the whole effect of more autism in kids of older parents is entirely a matter of those parents being (at least slightly) autistic, themselves.

That is interesting, I did not think about the maturity. Most people think that I am older than my real age, i.e. in my late 30s or early to mid 40s, based on how I act. Not to mention, the amount of stress takes it toll and my face looks haggard and tired, apparently making me older. Some even thought that I was in my late 40s or even 50.

But are you referring to social skills, not actual maturity in age? As in appearing socially less mature due to acting socially inept?

Telling a guy to meet a girlfriend/wife earlier in his life to avoid a higher chance of autism in the child is one of those Catch 22's (if that is the right term here). Those males, like my grandfather and such, would already have problems meeting women at any age. So it is not like they could avoid it.
 
I remember my grandfather being quite socially awkward and aloof, and I see this in myself and my mother as well. Is there something in our blood that makes us repulsive to the opposite sex?
It is mostly our lack of social instinct that makes us out of sync with NTs, even if they might be attracted to us (at first).
 
So like anti-pheromones? Negatively-charged pheromones that make you sexually unattractive rather than attractive?
 
So like anti-pheromones? Negatively-charged pheromones that make you sexually unattractive rather than attractive?
That animal exists, but it isn't to everybody, all the time.
  • We attract some,
  • repel others,
  • are meh to even others &
  • have a positive, non-sexual effect on our family members.
 
That animal exists, but it isn't to everybody, all the time.
  • We attract some,
  • repel others,
  • are meh to even others &
  • have a positive, non-sexual effect on our family members.

I was actually just kidding. Humans don’t secrete pheromones, anti or otherwise.

@Lundi Instead of researching your family’s sexual history, perhaps you could order a few books on how to speak and behave in a more appealing manner? Your problem isn’t genetic. It has to do with how you present yourself, how you’re viewed by the women you interact with.

I’m still not clear on one thing, though. Your posts are always about how distressed you feel about being a virgin at the age of 30. You never talk about actually wanting sex. You don’t lament about lack of romance or being sexually frustrated...rather, it’s always about being a 30-year-old virgin. This might be something to think about.
 
The thing is not only do women think negatively about me, but I also have no male friends because men dislike to be friends with me. Both in the past have asked me if I were a virgin or why I am single.

My talking style is based on the old adage that honesty is always the best policy. Maybe I am too straightforward, but I always prefer saying what is true rather than softening the truth to make it more palatable. Often people tell me that I sound not like a typical California native, but rather like the stereotypical abrasive New Yorker/New Englander, and that my talking style is as brutally honest like someone from Boston or New York City. So my way of stating things is not the stereotypical West Coast way. Maybe that just rubs people wrong. But I just cannot make up white lies (sugarcoating) like how people do here.

The awkwardness like having a blank stare, I think they call it the thousand-mile stare, I always have since I was a child. And like in my other thread, I have the voice volume issue. Other than that as far as I know I do not think that I have any really strange talking style.
 
So I was wondering, is there something that my mother's family inherited and passed down (especially the males) that makes it so hard for us to lose our virginity? I remember my grandfather being quite socially awkward and aloof, and I see this in myself and my mother as well. Is there something in our blood that makes us repulsive to the opposite sex?
Autism.

If being a 'virgin' is such a big deal to you, why not hire a professional? Get it out of the way. If you stressed about it less you'll probably have better chances, many women can smell desperation a mile away, and unlike autism it can be pretty repulsive.
 
It is mostly our lack of social instinct that makes us out of sync with NTs, even if they might be attracted to us (at first).
Social instinct is a good term that relates to many of us.
Instinct isn't pheromones, or social maturity.
Instinct is what comes naturally to the majority.
The desire for sex, relationships, having children, (watching sports?)
If the desire isn't there what does it matter?

Again, I would also question, do you really desire to lose your virginity as some type of goal
that needs to be fulfilled by a certain age to feel normal or fit in?
Sounds like it is something that needs to happen at a certain point in life or there is something wrong.
What if the instinctive desire is never felt? You could die a virgin!
There are some that are asexual who probably will.
Love doesn't automtically = sex or vice versa.
 
That is interesting, I did not think about the maturity. Most people think that I am older than my real age, i.e. in my late 30s or early to mid 40s, based on how I act. Not to mention, the amount of stress takes it toll and my face looks haggard and tired, apparently making me older. Some even thought that I was in my late 40s or even 50.

But are you referring to social skills, not actual maturity in age? As in appearing socially less mature due to acting socially inept?
Social maturity is partly a matter of social skills, but also partly a matter of being ready for the next stage in development. Example, I physically matured (puberty) at about the same age as my peers but I had no interest whatsoever in boys until about 3 years later than my classmates.

My great-grandfather (on the autistic side) was about 55 when he married for the first time, and I strongly suspect he was virginal, as he was a prominent Anglican clergyman! It came as a surprise to his fellows that he married at all.
 
Losing your virginity isn't ground breaking like the world makes it sound.

It's not going to make people suddenly respect you or want to be your friend.

In my opinion, it shouldn't even be something that ever crosses your mind as a worry. It doesn't define who you are as a person, nor should your worth be based on it.
 
I am a 30 year old American male. My first thread on this forum was written when I was 29, about my fears about turning 30 and being a virgin. Not by choice, not by some sort of religious belief like abstinence, but rather just it happened that way without my wanting it to.

I did some research into my family history, in this case my mother's family history. My mother has also had problems with attraction like I do, and she was a virgin until age 27. My maternal grandfather (her father) was a virgin almost until age 50. In other words, even though I am only 30 years old, my grandfather was born before the end of the First World War. I remember vaguely about how family said that he had trouble finding a wife that it took him until his late 40s to do so. Both my mother and I have Asperger's, and whilst my grandfather had several mental issues including severe OCD, it is suspected that he had at least mild ASD.

Now, going back further, my great-grandfather (my grandfather's father) was born in the 1860s. He was in his 50s when my grandfather was born. I think that he got married in his late 40s. There is not much data after that, but there is a record that my great-great-grandfather (my great-grandfather's father) was born in the 1810s. So he was probably in the late 40s or early 50s when my great-grandfather was born. As no one who is still alive in the family would know, no one knows why he was that old when he finally got married and had children. In the 1800s, a man still single/virgin his 40s and 50s was probably looked upon as having missed the boat. In other words, I am 30 years old, but my great-great-grandfather was born during the time of Napoleon.

So I was wondering, is there something that my mother's family inherited and passed down (especially the males) that makes it so hard for us to lose our virginity? I remember my grandfather being quite socially awkward and aloof, and I see this in myself and my mother as well. Is there something in our blood that makes us repulsive to the opposite sex?

Maybe I am overthinking this with my tendency to overanalyse things, but I just thought that this is more than coincidental, especially because my father's side of the family does not have this problem.
It doesn’t matter when you have sex ,what matters is if you feel loved ,there are myriad of people who get married and never have children and are happy just to adopt children so they can care for them, what’s most important is how happy you are inside !not what you get from the outside !I understand you have hormonal urges but along with that comes the realityOf a relationship and possibly the responsibility for another human being ,sexual intercourse is not going to happen 24 hours a day seven days a week for you alone and not needing to do anything else, I understand human beings are gregarious think about just finding friends, being friendly, not about just wanting sex ,people care about not being hurt.
 
Losing your virginity in itself isn’t anything special. The heavens don’t open up, you don’t have an epiphany, you don’t change because of it all of a sudden. It’s a sweaty exercise that can be fun. Having sex with someone you love can make the experience more meaningful, but it’s still just sex. Don’t get me wrong, I like sex, but I think it’s ridiculous how much importance some people give the concept of virginity.
I think if you stop attaching so much meaning to the concept of virginity, it’s less likely to pop up in conversation ‘randomly’. Don’t be so desperate to lose it. It’ll happen when it happens. The only way to make sure it happens on short notice is to see a professional. Which might not be such a bad idea if you want to ‘get it over with’. Most professionals will make sure you have a good time and will be patient and understanding when you tell them it’s your first time. And hopefully afterwards you won’t treat it like such a big deal.
 
This does tend to be hereditary. If your parents never have sex, it's likely that you never will either.
 
Not to mention all the people talking about how great and oh-so-wonderful sex is lying straight through their teeth. If it's too good to be true, then it probably is, yet there's an entire industry profiting around just that.

Not that I advocate it, and I know it's already been mentioned already, but I believe there are brothels in neighboring Nevada who can fix that for a fee provided you play by their rules. Not that it'll fix anything though, since sooner or later the hive mind you've talked about will find another goalpost for you to tackle.

If you want a meaningful relationship and to scrap the idea of losing your virginity as sacred on the other hand, then you may want to start looking around a little more and taking a little more time rather than letting others warp your mind with beliefs that obviously don't mesh with you.
 
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