Virginity problem running in the family

[GadAbout]

I gave it a laugh as soon as I saw it.... but maybe people have already read most of this thread or find the topic uninteresting, so they never saw the post in question?

It's really kind of silly, the "virginity problem."

 

[Nervous Rex]

I don't know.

I thought something similar, but managed to not
post it because I figured it would add nothing
of substance to the thread.

I did consider that this is a serious thread about a serious concern ... but I couldn't resist. I hope I didn't derail the serious conversation.

 

[GadAbout]

Maybe the serious conversation (on this topic) has run its course?

 

[Nervous Rex]

It's really kind of silly, the "virginity problem."

Society places too much emphasis on sex. One reason is that it is a primal urge and is easy to market to ("sex sells"). It is an interesting exercise to consciously recognize how much they use sex and sexual attraction to try to sell stuff, and then consciously reject the pitch ("I see your bikini-clad girls, but I don't see what that has to do with your beer.")

I wouldn't worry about societal norms. If you feel a personal urge to have sex, pursue it. If you are just worried about what people will say ... learn to let that go.

 

[tree]

I did consider that this is a serious thread about a serious concern ... but I couldn't resist. I hope I didn't derail the serious conversation.

No, you didn't.

If virginity did run in the family, there'd be no family.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Not to mention all the people talking about how great and oh-so-wonderful sex is lying straight through their teeth.

It has its place and its purpose. It seems like every generation goes through discovery and obsession phases, and then finally calm downs about it.

 

[Nervous Rex]

No, you didn't.

If virginity did run in the family, there'd be no family.

The way I first heard is said is that "Infertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have children, you likely won't either." I didn't come up with the line - I just repurposed the concept for this conversation.

 

[Bolletje]

I don't know.

I thought something similar, but managed to not
post it because I figured it would add nothing
of substance to the thread.

You are a wise and consistent moderator. I try to follow your example, but base instincts get in the way. (No sarcasm, to be clear. Which is a good disclaimer on these forums )

 

[Lundi]

I am not sure what is so funny, I did not write this thread as a joke.

I must reiterate that I am not offering to volunteer to say that I am a virgin randomly. Since this a help forum, of course I can state this when I type. But I do not talk like this in public. On a forum I am anonymous and no one here knows me personally--in meetups clearly people know me face-to-face and my real name and how I look. I think that some here are getting the wrong idea that I am the one who is actively going up to people and telling them that I am a virgin. That is not the case.

What happens is that in the past I used to naïvely answer their questions honestly. Now I refuse to answer them. People here in San Francisco often talk openly about their sex lives and relationship history, even with people whom they just met. It might sound weird if you are not from here, but over here people very much do this on a regular basis.

They do not ask only me, they ask everyone about sexual past and relationship history. Most of my acquaintances and friends have also been asked/interrogated about their sexual and relationship histories. If you are in a group talking with newcomers, someone might just randomly start sharing stories about their sex life or their past relationships. Talking about their ex is common, talking about the details of their latest sexual encounter is common. Lots of things are common here that are considered highly inappropriate in other cities.

Where I live, there are four types of questions that you will almost certainly be asked, and often each meetup I would not be surprised if you were asked them a few times. These questions are:

1) What do you do? (i.e. what is your job)
2) questions about your sexual history
3) questions about your relationship history
4) What are you? (i.e. what race are you)

Now, imagine that you are in San Francisco at a meetup. And several times you are asked these four questions each meetup by different people. I think that now you get the picture.

 

[OrdinaryCitizen]

I think its coincidence that you are virgin at 30 not a family curse or smth like that.

Now days with female freedom its tough to get laid because women use primal instincts for finding partner so many guys who dont show alpha male qualities ie being overly self confident and show no care for women needs - don't get laid.

 

[tree]

@Lundi
If those are the 4 most common questions at the meet ups,
I believe I'd quit going to the meet ups, if it were me.

The first one, "What do you do?" is ok.
The other three are intrusive.

 

[Thinx]

OP said, Virginity Problems run in the family. Not, Virginity runs in the family. However I thought the little joke Nervous Rex made was funny. But I think it's very likely that people with Aspergers or autism might take longer to lose their Virginity, we are less social.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I am not sure what is so funny, I did not write this thread as a joke.

@Lundi, I sincerely apologize if my smart aleck remark hurt or offended you. Clearly, I need to be more judicious.

I must reiterate that I am not offering to volunteer to say that I am a virgin randomly. Since this a help forum, of course I can state this when I type. But I do not talk like this in public. On a forum I am anonymous and no one here knows me personally--in meetups clearly people know me face-to-face and my real name and how I look. I think that some here are getting the wrong idea that I am the one who is actively going up to people and telling them that I am a virgin. That is not the case.

There's a difference between being totally honest and being totally open. I think you're right to not volunteer the information. It's also within your rights to not answer when they ask. You can say, "That's personal" or "I'm not comfortable answering that." I find it helps to have responses prepared ahead of time.

 

[GadAbout]

Where I live, there are four types of questions that you will almost certainly be asked, and often each meetup I would not be surprised if you were asked them a few times. These questions are:

1) What do you do? (i.e. what is your job)
2) questions about your sexual history
3) questions about your relationship history
4) What are you? (i.e. what race are you)

It's apparent that in this crowd, people are at least tentatively scouting for romantic/sexual partners. I see nothing wrong with that, but declining to answer should always be acceptable.

Back when I was solving my own "virginity problem," I did interrogate my prime candidate about his sexual history. Poor dear seemed to think I was looking for a sexual virtuoso. He said "only one lover - but we did it a LOT!" Actually I was screening for likelihood of STDs, so "only one" was a perfect answer as far as I was concerned.

 

[Lundi]

It's apparent that in this crowd, people are at least tentatively scouting for romantic/sexual partners. I see nothing wrong with that, but declining to answer should always be acceptable.

The thing is, both men and women ask me this. Even acquaintances. People just want to know this about everyone. It is the same thing with asking about someone's race. I have been asked over 500 times this year alone what race I am. They get angry at you if you refuse to answer their questions.

Just like how when a guy asked me what my race was within five seconds of meeting me, I said, "Why are you asking that? That is none of your god-damned business." he said how rude I was for not answering, and that it is a normal question. Same like when guys ask me, "You virgin, bro?" and I told him to piss off, they say, "Whoa bro, why so serious? It is, like, a normal question, bro. Chill, dude." Then they gossip about me to others so that others avoid me, or try to irritate me by asking me the same questions.

 

[GadAbout]

"Why are you asking that? That is none of your god-damned business." he said how rude I was for not answering, and that it is a normal question.

Well, your answer IS a little rude. But you already know you are going to be offended before you even go there.... so why keep going?

Instead of your stock response of being offended, or earlier in your life, answering honestly, what are some other ways to reply?

You could prepare a stock answer such as "38% Latino, 52% Asian, 100% awesome!" or some other joking reply. Same to the virginity question. "You virgin, bro?" - With a grin, "Why? You interested?"

I'm merely suggesting that you have options. Either avoid these people, or have a response to these questions that annoy you, one that is a little smoother socially.

 

[Kalinychta]

So is your virginity problem more of a social one than a sex one? Meaning you don’t care about or necessarily want sex, you just want to be able to tell people you are not a virgin when they ask?

 

[Lundi]

So is your virginity problem more of a social one than a sex one? Meaning you don’t care about or necessarily want sex, you just want to be able to tell people you are not a virgin when they ask?

No, it is both. Clearly I want to have the experience like the so-called normal people have, but within the context of a relationship. Not one night stands or surrogates or whatever. However, I have been failing quite badly in the dating department, so that is just one of the problems.

Regarding the social context, it is more of I would wish that people here where I live would stop judging people (not only me, but even my acquaintances and basically everyone else) about their sexual and relationship history. Not only that, that they would stop asking me sexual/relationship history interrogations plus stop asking me about my race. But that I know is just impossible here.

The problem is that when they ask, it could hurt me in the long run if they spread word about my answers to purposely let people know about my personal life. When any women hear the rumours that they spread about my being a virgin, the probability of my being able to date women decreases dramatically, but also socialise with anyone also decreases.

Like I said, a lot of people automatically associate virgin with "creepy", "mentally ill", "autistic", "weird" and other negative characteristics. Back in the past even if a guy asked me about if I am a virgin and I told him, he could easily tell five of the female attendees about my virginity, then word can spread.

 

[Lundi]

Well, your answer IS a little rude. But you already know you are going to be offended before you even go there.... so why keep going?

It is a Catch 22; meetup.com and other events are the only ways it seems to get into a social environment. So I have a binary choice, either attend and end up arguing with many people with the chance of perhaps 1/200 of making friends with someone, or not attending at all and quit socialising altogether. I already had tried not socialising altogether in my early to mid 20s. It made my mental health really deteriorated from not talking to people at all. When I was 23-25 I had zero friends here and talked to no one except family, or with doctors or store clerks when I had to leave the house. I rather not go back to that life.

Instead of your stock response of being offended, or earlier in your life, answering honestly, what are some other ways to reply?

You could prepare a stock answer such as "38% Latino, 52% Asian, 100% awesome!" or some other joking reply. Same to the virginity question. "You virgin, bro?" - With a grin, "Why? You interested?"

I'm merely suggesting that you have options. Either avoid these people, or have a response to these questions that annoy you, one that is a little smoother socially.

As I said, I am naturally very brutally honest. I discussed this a bit with my mother, and she gets extremely angry when people ask her about her race on a constant basis, just like they do to me. My mother told me that when people irritate her she unleashes a wave of expletives and insults. So if someone asks her about her race over and over, she says, "Get the [deleted] out of my face with your bloody questions, I am tired of your [deleted], [deleted] idiot!". I think that perhaps I picked up her way of answering back people. She has Asperger's as well though, plus possibly a bit of anger management issues, so it is one brutally honest person discussing this with another brutally honest person.

I am still trying to reformulate some stock answers. Because I am absolutely sure that I will get asked about this again. Sunday is my next meetup...

 

[GadAbout]

What are your special interests? I suggest getting involved with hobby groups rather than places people go to meet up. Like, if you enjoy cooking, or chamber music, or comic book art, get involved with clubs or organizations that have the common interest.

Not meaning to diss your mother, but surely you must realize that she hasn't been the greatest role model for social skills. I agree that no social life at all is unhealthy (for most people - though it suits some), but I think you need some new ways to meet your needs.