Third time's the charm for the charmless

[autism-and-autotune]

I don't know what to do. This is the third time that our boundaries have been violated and my parents showed up to my door without warning. Third and a half, if one counts the note which my father left a month ago. I trust that they traveled here, two hours away, because Friday was a holiday and I 'was supposed to be home from school.'

I saw the vehicle shoot up my driveway and I felt panic. Stuck and powerless and worthless. "Please leave," my fiance ordered kindly yet sternly. My father tried to argue with them. "This is our property and you're not welcome here." "It's not just your property," he retorted, like the fact that I own my own property with someone else is alien to him. If my car was there, then where was I? "I need to talk to him." My fiance turned him away once more. "Nice knowing you then," he said. As he returned to the vehicle of my mother, my fiance said that he shook his head, either defeated or disappointed (it is not known to me). As they drove away, the two dogs which my mother dotes upon were seen through the back window.

As they left, I immediately blocked the number of my father. No messages, no emails prior. My sister emailed me a few hours later, explaining that my mother had tried to visit; was I all right? I wrote back that no, and that my fiance had dealt with them. I reiterated that they aren't welcome here. My sister also said that she had told them, this time and previously, to respect my boundaries but 'I don't think they'll listen to me anymore.' But maybe 'my silence' would be enough to convince them.

Each time I put off a restraining order, I think 'wow, I should've done this earlier.' But the more evidence I have that they are violating our boundaries, the better...maybe? It's so creepy to check the Facebook, where I've not been active since I discovered my autism, that my parents still message me. It makes me feel sick, and I considered either deactivating it or deleting it altogether, or blocking just my parents--but either way would be a lose-situation.

The following email I received that day after. It got spammed and ignored and serves no purpose other than to remind me that I don't want them in my life anymore.

I'm not sure if I'm just venting or looking for advice or what else. My fiance was proud of me for not putting myself in the way of harm, either physical or psychological. But part of me still feels weak or useless for not confronting them myself. But wouldn't that be giving them what they want?

The narcissism, guilt-tripping, lack of self-awareness speaks for itself.

 

[Rodafina]

@autism-and-autotune.

This is very frustrating, indeed. I feel sad that you and your partner are forced into these unpleasant situations. Your partner sounds really supportive and I am glad that you have them.

Your mother says, "We understand invading your privacy," when it is quite evident that they don't. I know you knew that already - it's just frustrating to read her words.

Sounds like they are trying to create a story where your partner is holding you hostage and controlling you. Since your mother speaks for both parents, they seem to want to blame your partner for much of this. This is so far from the truth from what you've shared here on the forum. But you are right that they will become storytellers to write a narrative that suits them.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

This is very frustrating, indeed. I feel sad that you and your partner are forced into these unpleasant situations. Your partner sounds really supportive and I am glad that you have them.

Your mother says, "We understand invading your privacy," when it is quite evident that they don't. I know you knew that already - it's just frustrating to read her words.

Sounds like they are trying to create a story where your partner is holding you hostage and controlling you. Since your mother speaks for both parents, they seem to want to blame your partner for much of this. This is so far from the truth from what you've shared here on the forum. But you are right that they will become storytellers to write a narrative that suits them.

thank you for your sympathy and kind words. I'm more than grateful to my partner; without them, I'd be nowhere in life. I owe them much.

Of course she doesn't understand! Why they cannot get the hint is beyond me. But then again, I used to be the same way in my acts regarding limerence, although I was able to grow out of it. But these folk? More than half my age mature?

I believe so, too. Our big worry is that they'll call the law to do a wellness check and make it sound like I'm being forced to do or not do things against my will, which if why I'm considering to try and get the law on our side first. But getting started is always a challenge. I can only imagine what they're telling the rest of my estranged family...

*edit* I know that my parents also seem to realize that should they lay a finger on my fiance, then it's totally game over. I don't know if this is a good or bad realization, though.

 

[Hypnalis]

It will be easier in the long run to deal with them more-or-less directly.

You don't need to "fight" them to get what you need. You might even find a zero-stress way to cooperate with them.

It sounds like you could do so via your partner, perhaps with a little help from your sister (e.g. for help blocking anything like a "wellness check").

 

[Slime_Punk]

Make sure to save documents and other evidence for the future, especially if you anticipate needing to get that restraining order (or take any other form of legal action). There are avenues to protect yourself from anybody (family or not) who trespasses or invades your privacy, at least here in the states.

In my experience, some people can't simply be 'reasoned-with'. It's a nice thought, though.

 

[AspieChris]

In my experience, some people can't simply be 'reasoned-with'

I have had this exact same experience with my parents. Specifically my mother. It was difficult, but I chose to abandon my entire family. I figured out very quickly that if I cut her out, she would use my brother or my grandmother or my aunt… etc. I have had zero contact with any members of my family in about 20 years and it was the best decision I ever made.

I can’t tell you what to do, since I don’t know all of the particulars of your situation. But I can say that your situation sounds a lot like mine. Mom still thought she was my mother. She never thought of me as a man.

The best way to deal with someone like this is to not engage them at all. Don’t even block them on social media. If they knock at the door, pretend you didn’t hear it and wait till they leave. If they call on the phone, let it ring and go to voicemail, then delete the message without listening to it. If your sister mentions her, don’t even say you don’t want to hear it….. just hang up.

She is trying to demolish your boundaries, and she’s been honing her craft for a couple of decades longer than you have been alive. Screw the boundaries…. I put up cement walls with barbed wire.

It took a while, but the phone stopped ringing. Now, I get a card on my birthday with some cash in it. I take the cash without reading the card. That’s the extent of my contact with my mother and I’m fine with that.

 

[Kayla55]

I had shut out family for years, at time undiagnosed. Again on contact later deciding it best to have my own space.

Having children is a guilt trip as they need family ties and I try to be tolerant when I'm actually unhappy over having my life re-arranged for me.

 

[Kayla55]

 

[Dagan]

The legal things they are trying to complete give me the idea that they are drawing up a will. That's the only reason they would need your absolute answers (and a signature in person - although, it doesn't sound exactly too official, if you aren't signing in front of a lawyer and/or a notary). It could be a ruse, of course. You know them and what mindsets they have and will try. I'm just thinking out loud on that specific part that stood out to me. Maybe it helps.

 

[Kayla55]

A protection order is an ultimatum but should we go through this is what I'm asking, if you need to apply for this order your relationship is messed up, unhealthy and need to rethink your life. Say you give last warning a protection order you must go through channels if person violates conditions, if you not then you playing emotional rollercoaster. If you can afford a lawyer to litigate your property access rights, this is better.

 

[Hypnalis]

The signature thing has to be assumed to be a ruse. Even if it's not a ruse, there will be a secondary objective of trying to establish a relationship OP doesn't want.

Which is the point about how to handle this kind of thing:

Narcs don't give up. Narcs can't give up. They don't know they're Narcs, and that they're behaving badly.

Starting from the top planning-wise, there are two main options:
1. NC. Which means either disappearing (very inconvenient and probably expensive), or active defense - e.g. letting it reach the stage where a restraining order is possible.
2. LC, via taking control of the situation. Which is much the same as the "active defense" of NC.
For example, any signature for any legal document can be provided indirectly via their lawyer. Get in touch with the lawyer once, and this path is blocked forever. Any future direct contact over legal stuff becomes evidence for a restraining order.
And each time you tell them what they can't do (like visit), send it as a letter via their lawyer, and the writer gets the letter notarized. Two pieces of legally valid evidence from every uninvited/unapproved contact.

There's no option 3: "try to establish a human-human relationship". You can't compromise with a Narc. They're not capable of normal relationships.

But they're still people, not invulnerable superheroes (looking at you, Carol Danvers /lol).

LC might lead to a positive situation where OP can exert control over his parents without burning the last bridge.
Which will also, by definition, be enough to switch painlessly to NC if necessary ("by definition" because anyone who wants to make a threat or assert control must be willing and able to enforce it immediately).

 

[Fino]

I like the title of the thread.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

It will be easier in the long run to deal with them more-or-less directly.

You don't need to "fight" them to get what you need. You might even find a zero-stress way to cooperate with them.

It sounds like you could do so via your partner, perhaps with a little help from your sister (e.g. for help blocking anything like a "wellness check").

A zero-stress way would be anything I can do to not personally have to tell them that I don't want them in my lives any more. There's lots of good advice in this thread about restraining orders that I'll respond to shortly.

I'm not sure if I should really keep speaking with my sister, either, honestly. Perhaps if I cut my folks off, she might begin to understand why not even our father deserves her love. But I cannot make up her mind for her. Being around them both drives her insane.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Make sure to save documents and other evidence for the future, especially if you anticipate needing to get that restraining order (or take any other form of legal action). There are avenues to protect yourself from anybody (family or not) who trespasses or invades your privacy, at least here in the states.

In my experience, some people can't simply be 'reasoned-with'. It's a nice thought, though.

I have an entire document filed which has screen-shots of emails, the hand-written note, and the whole kitchen sink. Also shots of my own self saying that they aren't welcome here.

no, they absolutely cannot be reasoned with, nor happy with anything I have or haven't to say. If other folks can see that they openly have a lack of understanding regarding why boundaries are important, then it seals the deal.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I have had this exact same experience with my parents. Specifically my mother. It was difficult, but I chose to abandon my entire family. I figured out very quickly that if I cut her out, she would use my brother or my grandmother or my aunt… etc. I have had zero contact with any members of my family in about 20 years and it was the best decision I ever made.

I can’t tell you what to do, since I don’t know all of the particulars of your situation. But I can say that your situation sounds a lot like mine. Mom still thought she was my mother. She never thought of me as a man.

The best way to deal with someone like this is to not engage them at all. Don’t even block them on social media. If they knock at the door, pretend you didn’t hear it and wait till they leave. If they call on the phone, let it ring and go to voicemail, then delete the message without listening to it. If your sister mentions her, don’t even say you don’t want to hear it….. just hang up.

She is trying to demolish your boundaries, and she’s been honing her craft for a couple of decades longer than you have been alive. Screw the boundaries…. I put up cement walls with barbed wire.

It took a while, but the phone stopped ringing. Now, I get a card on my birthday with some cash in it. I take the cash without reading the card. That’s the extent of my contact with my mother and I’m fine with that.

I'm sorry to hear of what you had to go through because of your mother. I feel bad about cutting everyone else out from my life, but...it sucks because some people I genuinely do care about yet I assume they're all poisoned by my parent's side of things.

You're right. I've not engaged with them in any way for near of a year. I have saved the non-emergency number in my phone in case they show up ever again.

Interesting. I tear up any cards they send, regardless of what is written inside. They don't know a damn thing about me.

*edit* Though was it a stupid thing to block the phone number of my father?

 

[autism-and-autotune]

View attachment 120355

Thank you for this, and your above comment.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

The legal things they are trying to complete give me the idea that they are drawing up a will. That's the only reason they would need your absolute answers (and a signature in person - although, it doesn't sound exactly too official, if you aren't signing in front of a lawyer and/or a notary). It could be a ruse, of course. You know them and what mindsets they have and will try. I'm just thinking out loud on that specific part that stood out to me. Maybe it helps.

I believe, a few months ago, my sister had mentioned something about their house and their wills. Can't they do all of that without my needing to sign or be aware of anything? If it's their signatures, then it's legally binding anyways, right?

No, I really don't know what they'll try which is why sometimes I'm even more afraid. If I get things legally under way, then I won't have to live in fear of them.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

A protection order is an ultimatum but should we go through this is what I'm asking, if you need to apply for this order your relationship is messed up, unhealthy and need to rethink your life. Say you give last warning a protection order you must go through channels if person violates conditions, if you not then you playing emotional rollercoaster. If you can afford a lawyer to litigate your property access rights, this is better.

I cannot afford a lawyer, but doesn't all this legal stuff come at no cost, usually?

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I like the title of the thread.

thanks; I did my best.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

The signature thing has to be assumed to be a ruse. Even if it's not a ruse, there will be a secondary objective of trying to establish a relationship OP doesn't want.

Which is the point about how to handle this kind of thing:

Narcs don't give up. Narcs can't give up. They don't know they're Narcs, and that they're behaving badly.

Starting from the top planning-wise, there are two main options:
1. NC. Which means either disappearing (very inconvenient and probably expensive), or active defense - e.g. letting it reach the stage where a restraining order is possible.
2. LC, via taking control of the situation. Which is much the same as the "active defense" of NC.
For example, any signature for any legal document can be provided indirectly via their lawyer. Get in touch with the lawyer once, and this path is blocked forever. Any future direct contact over legal stuff becomes evidence for a restraining order.
And each time you tell them what they can't do (like visit), send it as a letter via their lawyer, and the writer gets the letter notarized. Two pieces of legally valid evidence from every uninvited/unapproved contact.

There's no option 3: "try to establish a human-human relationship". You can't compromise with a Narc. They're not capable of normal relationships.

But they're still people, not invulnerable superheroes (looking at you, Carol Danvers /lol).

LC might lead to a positive situation where OP can exert control over his parents without burning the last bridge.
Which will also, by definition, be enough to switch painlessly to NC if necessary ("by definition" because anyone who wants to make a threat or assert control must be willing and able to enforce it immediately).

Thank you for your insight. Isn't one part of scams 'a sense of urgency'? This does seem like a scam and ruse to me.

I honestly can't believe that they, or at least my mother, doesn't know she's behaving badly. All the abuse I've been through by her has been met with as much shame which she can muster, which isn't much, but still acknowledgement. She knew she was wrong to steal some things when I moved out only to control me. She knows it's wrong to show up unannounced but still does it anyway.

I have no idea if they have a lawyer or anything like that, but sometimes I expect something within the mail. Why can't they just do it like that? Do they like being victims about wasting four hours of their day for nothing? Gas money and mileage for nothing? Or do they like doing it because they know they'll get nothing?

No, they're not capable of human relationships; on that, I agree. I'm supply, not her son.

What bridge should I worry about burning? I care nothing for them, nor for the place where I grew up.