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Featured The Social aspie

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Moomin, Nov 30, 2018.

  1. I love it! Even if it makes me tired.

    2 vote(s)
    4.9%
  2. I don’t mind it but it does make me tired...so I don’t do it often.

    22 vote(s)
    53.7%
  3. I hate it. I’d like to live away from people with my coconut as company.

    6 vote(s)
    14.6%
  4. I want to but I don’t know how/it makes me tired/I’ve been hurt too many times by people...

    11 vote(s)
    26.8%
  1. Moomin

    Moomin “My servants never die!”

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    This came up in a conversation with a university friend, He’s also on the spectrum. I was talking to him about how it feels that I’ve somewhat reverted back to the reluctance element of socializing with people, that my mom wants me to make friends again and go out for coffee with her friend’s daughter (not sure how to feel about that one, is it genuinely offered or offered out of pity or am I really that jaded by people?). It’s not that I don’t like people. That I don’t hold some searing hatred for humanity, but it is hard for me to socialize. I don’t seem to gain any love from doing it. I enjoy it at times but I have to prepare myself for it, and of course understand the aftermath of draining....I am obviously not a social butterfly or have to be around people continuously. I like being on my own. And that’s okay. Isn’t it?

    And yet, he didn’t understand why I felt like that. Even at uni he loved socializing. He enjoyed being the center of attention. He could talk to random people, granted not small talk about things but still with people! And yet, I know he has Aspergers. I know that he’s only like that because he’s had a lot of support, practice and just goes for it. And that’s okay too...

    I guess I feel a little confused about it and I feel like maybe I’ve let myself down because if he can be like this, shouldn’t I be too? Don’t I want friendships? He’s obviously more confident in it than I, so why am I not like him?

    So I guess I’m wondering if there are people who like socializing even if it’s exhausting....
     
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  2. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Even with NT's, there are introverts and extroverts. Some people love being around others and NEED to be surrounded by other people. Others prefer spending time alone with their thoughts and doing things they enjoy doing.
    I've always had a hard time socializing. It's hard. It's tiring - exhausting. It's unpredictable. I used to force myself because I didn't have a choice at times. Now I don't have to and I choose not to. You just need to be who you are.
     
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  3. KagamineLen

    KagamineLen Gay and autistic midlife weeb.

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    Honestly, I love being social within my 12-step clique. I have gotten to know some of these people well enough that it rarely gets tiring due to the trust I have in them now. But that took several years of effort on my part.
     
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  4. Moomin

    Moomin “My servants never die!”

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    That’s very true about the introvert/extrovert. I forgot about that.

    Socializing is very complex isn’t it?

    Thanks Pats.
     
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  5. Moomin

    Moomin “My servants never die!”

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    That’s really great that you trust them and have made the effort.
     
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  6. LadyBird84

    LadyBird84 Well-Known Member

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    I do like to socialize, BUT it depends greatly on the situation and also my headspace. For instance if I've been working a lot I need my alone time to recharge. Some people drain me. It's all about balance. I mostly like to do things with people that I know get me (which there aren't a lot of). I like to keep it active though, like go out and see something or play a board game. Sitting around (small) talking isn't my thing.

    If you don't like to socialize that's totally ok though.
     
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  7. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    I enjoy it somewhat sometimes! I don't know which option to pick for that!
     
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  8. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    When I was a young adult there was no internet. I was highly sexually motivated and always enjoyed female company so if I didn't force myself to socialise I'd not have been able to meet girls. I endured most of it through early/mid teens.
    In my later teens I fell in with the goth scene of the late 80s (very different to how it is now) and I met many people I could relate to, some of whom I was sure were Aspie like me, but nobody else knew what AS was then. I had a much better time with that crowd.
    Now I'm late 40s, happily married and my social needs are minimal. The social pressures of work are enough to drain me. I recently joined a local Aspie social group who have regular meetings and I actually look forward to those. It's the first time something social has seemed anything other than an ordeal in more than 20 years.
     
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  9. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It would be great if I just had a Vaporizer Ray Gun for the people who ruin the ambiance. And if it was legal to use. Thats important too.

    343c7e26cafe4a0dceb5df75fc3dab17.jpg
     
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  10. Moomin

    Moomin “My servants never die!”

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    Probably the I love it even if it makes me tired.
     
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  11. Iamnotarabot

    Iamnotarabot Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I like small gathering and talking to someone give me a litte energy boost most of the times , but when I started unni everything was on a too big scale so I dropped social gathering alltogether, the few time I did it I was feeling forced and I had my latest public meltdown at a "party" .

    It has to be on the proper setting with the correct amount of people, when it is not it just feel like "blblblblblblblblblblzzz" and I have to eat something or nod to pretend i am not disconnected from the event.
     
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  12. Moomin

    Moomin “My servants never die!”

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    Eating or drinking something is a good way to avoid talking but not be disconnected from the situation.

    I felt the same at uni. My first year was a mess, socializing was a catastrophe. It did get better but only reason for that was down to the disability support that was available, through that I met a few other students with Aspergers, and did small meets with them. I didn’t feel pressurized to talk or anything like that with them. It was nice to have that.
     
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  13. Iamnotarabot

    Iamnotarabot Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    My 7 years were a mess, I failed one year out of two basically, not being able to work at home because procrastination /distraction/anxiety, and not being able to work at unni because how in the world are you supposed to work in a place surrounded by people.

    We had the possibility to see a psychologist, but pff, the day I managed to go there years ago I couldnt say anything I wanted to say and never bother them again...its only now that I have seen a therapist on my own to figure it out. This psychologist was acting like "if you dont talk I dont talk"

    Now I am still at unni , it still impossible to me to be there properly, but I know I am doing better and I wont give up this year, I may try to be more at unni next semester and I have a solid group of friends when I want to see people ( they are not from unni, they are old friends that I see , well my only friends.)
     
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  14. TheFreeCat

    TheFreeCat Active Member

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    I never socialize outside of family, and only a few family. People confuse me and I confuse them.
     
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  15. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I socialize sometimes, but prefer small gatherings... Tonight? I'm off to a music open mic, but it's generally a fairly small crowd... Last night? Went to a small concert at a local cafe, small crowd, enjoyed the music, was with a friend for awhile, he left a little early and then it was just me on my own

    I generally don't like super-crowded rooms (indoors), just something about a roof above my head... I'm better with a large crowd outside with the expanse of sky above me

    I just simply enjoy the arts scene (music, poetry, visual arts), which to enjoy means wading into rooms with people, whether crowded or not... I do find that if I'm there on my own and don't know anybody it can be excruciating sometimes... Depending on the gathering I may know one or two people who I can chat with...

    One story from a few years ago that I still remember vividly:

    An artist was launching a new project at a fairly cramped artist space... I wanted to hear about it so went on my own, as a single guy had no one else to go with... The moment I walked in there were groups of people chatting away and I immediately felt extremely awkward... I knew no one in the room and had to spend "quite awhile" waiting for the artist to have her speech, I felt so out of place, I felt like everyone was looking at awkward me (they probably didn't even notice me), I just kept wandering around the whole time, it wasn't good... It was worth going to hear the artist talk about her project, which I did participate in

    I generally do better with smaller groups of people, or one on one... In my photography I talk to lots of strangers, photograph them as stranger portraits, if things mesh well I sometimes have interesting conversations on the spot with a complete stranger... But generally part of the process is my camera...
     
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  16. tducey

    tducey Well-Known Member

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    Went with Option 2.
     
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  17. Blue

    Blue Well-Known Member

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    I like to socialize in intellectual settings but sadly there are few with people my age. In most cases I end up feeling even more isolated when I try to socialize.
     
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  18. Sab

    Sab Well-Known Member

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    For me, it’s been a huge struggle to find a balance between my deep interest in people and all the difficulties that socializing entails. The fact that it was so hard to interact with people made me want to isolate myself and to stop trying. I had a phase when I was a teenager where I was hyper social - I was around people a lot and had a lot of <friends> but I wasn’t really connecting in a way that felt good to me and felt very lonely. That eventually led to a burn out and I isolated myself completely for a while. Since then, socializing has been draining and I make sure to have enough alone time. It’s been mostly about figuring out ways to connect with people in a way that feels good to me (quiet one-on-ones, playing music or going for walks, instead of parties or group activities in public spaces), being accepting of myself, my needs and boundaries and learning to communicate about those things.
     
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  19. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Used to, and for a good portion of my life I did. I don't do so as much anymore, except online which I find is just enough for me. Still occasionally meet up with a few people
    I've known for years.

    When I went to cegep and then uni, socialization was important and it was something I wanted, which was to make connections with people. Dated and partied and went to dance clubs and cafes to hear music and talk with people. It was still taxing though and each time I walked into a room filled with people I took a big breath, as if I had to walk up a steep hill. It was something I forced myself to do, but was never comfortable with.

    Yet I learned things about people, ideas, concepts, behaviour, body language, subterfuge, ethics, morals, perceptions, and many more things by forcing myself to walk into that world. It helped me to become part of it, to study, work and to know what I wanted. Socializing has advantages, if you can do it.

    From that original group of people, I met other people and through those connections I managed summer jobs, and later full-time jobs. Many of the early jobs and advantages came through people I've known who became friends. Later the jobs came from experience and pure hard work.
     
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  20. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't like big parties... Especially when inside... I will enjoy it much better when taking photos which I will typically do solo...
     
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