Knowing When To "Help" and When To Leave An Aspie "Alone"

[Coxhere]

I don't know if I'm an Aspie or not; I have some of the characteristics but have not been diagnosed. However, I have an Aspie friend who has recently experienced a situation that has thrown him off of his routine. As a result, he's not communicating with me right now. What should I do? Can I provide support and, if so, how would you recommend that I do this? Or, on the other hand should I merely wait if and when he decides to, once again, communicate? I want to do the right thing. I don't want to "smother" him nor do I want to "abandon" him.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Of course we don’t know you or your friend, but in general, if an aspie is staying incommunicado, it’s because they need to be out of contact and are best served by people giving them space.

But hang in there. Others may have different opinions and suggestions.

 

[Coxhere]

Of course we don’t know you or your friend, but in general, if an aspie is staying incommunicado, it’s because they need to be out of contact and are best served by people giving them space.

But hang in there. Others may have different opinions and suggestions.

This supports my intuitive thinking/feeling: Let him be. But as you know, when wanting to be helpful (in solving a problem!), it's hard to not try to "fix" the problem even though I don't know exactly what the problem is. Thank you for your helpful response.

 

[Crossbreed]

Are you sure he is ASD1? ASD2s & 3s have more severe co-morbid conditions.

See Autism Subtypes...

 

[FayetheAspie]

I don't know your friend and can not speak for them, but I think most of us probably want some space if we retreat away. Most will probably come back around once the overwhelm wears off. If they have something like RSD or Borderline PD then they would come nearer hoping for you to follow them to prove that you care or at least that is the way it seems to me.

 

[velociraptor]

I don't know if I'm an Aspie or not; I have some of the characteristics but have not been diagnosed. However, I have an Aspie friend who has recently experienced a situation that has thrown him off of his routine. As a result, he's not communicating with me right now. What should I do? Can I provide support and, if so, how would you recommend that I do this? Or, on the other hand should I merely wait if and when he decides to, once again, communicate? I want to do the right thing. I don't want to "smother" him nor do I want to "abandon" him.

If I need help, I'll ask. If I haven't asked, people who offer and get too close are intruding. This is loathesome and unwelcome. I am very protective of my personal space.

 

[Outdated]

Hi Cox, it's good that you care about your friend and I'm sure he's probably fully aware of your concern. I'm another advocate for allowing him his space and leaving him be.

For autistic people wanting to be alone doesn't necessarily indicate depression, it's the only way we can heal from burn out. If it goes on for a very long time you could reach out but do so in an undemanding way. Email is good because it doesn't disturb you, it doesn't require an immediate response. And don't put pressure on him to respond, just let him know you're still there when he's ready.

You've probably read quite a few articles about people's hypersensitivities especially regarding light and sound, but for many of us this is the least of our problems. There's also emotional hypersensitivity to social situations and having too much fun for too long can burn us out just as deeply as a string of bad experiences.

A simple analogy for burn out: Look at the sun with your naked eyes for 1 minute. Yes, this will damage your eyes. You'll need to spend several days blindfolded in a darkened room in order for your eyes to heal. A doctor or nurse coming in every few hours and shining a torch in your eyes to see how they are would be painful and would slow the healing.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Agree with what was said above.

In most circumstances, the best intervention is no intervention.
The exception being suicidal ideation: Intervene

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Yes we are loners like to work our own way through stuff, Was unemployed once for two years told no one family or friends, worst time of my life felt so betrayed. sorted it out myself, To this day even my brothers do not know, this happened to me. I figured out what happened, Even the owner of the company thar screwed me reached out to me using back channels, His manager had screwed him, He thought he had landed a incredible employee goes on vacation comes back finds me gone, Had no idea how to deal with his loss. We are different. solved his biggest issue on his process in a matter of hours. Week later I was unemployed. really bothered me that no one called me, Did what I always do. put plan together worked plan. If only I knew then who I was. Joined this site noticed that Linkedin is using this site to find us. To late for me, not for others on this site.

 

[Rodafina]

I think it's important to grant anyone space who is asking for it (even if that is indirectly).

That said, being friends with an autistic person does not mean that you have to sacrifice all of your needs to meet theirs. For example, if him shutting down becomes hurtful or stressful for you, it is important to establish some balance between both of you as you go forward in the friendship. My family has accepted that I might shut them out once in awhile, but I have to tell them. I don't need to explain myself, but I just have to say, "I need time to myself right now." That is my way of communicating to them that I'm going to retreat and that they should let me be. This also reassures them that a) I am safe, b) they don't need to do anything, and c) I'm not angry or upset with them.

It's not right to constantly shut people out in such a way that they feel hurt, abandoned, or worthless. It can be painful to be the one who is shut out and I think the onus is on us to at least try to avoid causing others pain when we retreat from them.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

For my two years, I had my kids young, really put stress on me went away the moment my wife came home. My friends never knew kept busy taking seminars on job search. setting up job interviews. lots of interviews. Every day that went by worse it got, took some night school courses. Worst was two year anniversary. then a few weeks later two interviews on two days. offered both jobs, One was at an auto motive assembly plant over hour away. second was auto parts supplier painting plastic auto parts for Saturn car part injection molded and painted Other position
Japanese car brake lines quality engineer. I was taking quality courses ay night school. Took the painting position. I was really pissed at the industry where were they. Then four years the dream job came up coil coating line painting steel and aluminum thousands of colours, multiple treatment systems, galvanized hot dip steel even occasional copper or tin coils, stainless steel every type of paint chemistry you could imagine, Even something I was not familiar with printing. Coils painted slit made in so many different products you could not guess If it was made from metal painted, I controlled the colour. People would ask me what do you do point out some random object. See that I controlled the colour. coil coaters are the choke points. If you own a above ground pool my handy work.

 

[Coxhere]

Are you sure he is ASD1? ASD2s & 3s have more severe co-morbid conditions.

See Autism Subtypes...

Thanks for this link, Crossbreed. I went over there but it seemed so complicated. What I can tell you, though, is that he and I became friends because we both have family-of-origin traumas, dysfunctions. We are both diagnosed with PTSD and MDD. He's also been diagnosed with OCD; I've not been but exhibit OCD characteristics. He has told me that he becomes very reclusive when things disrupt his regular routine. He has been able to mutually disclose things with me and I, with him because we have both become trusting of each other. Right now he's going through a situation that has thrown his routine off-balance and he's not talking with me right now. I've left him alone for several days, giving him "space." I don't know if he'll ever return but, if he doesn't, it's going to be a great loss for me. I don't make friends very easily and have very few-to-no-one with whom I can talk when I get really upset. Please know that your concern means so much to me. It's like I've never had the kind of support that I've experienced via autismforums.com. I didn't know that such a place could even exist. . . .

 

[Crossbreed]

It's like I've never had the kind of support that I've experienced via autismforums.com.

I am not a doctor, but an ASD1 parent of ASD2 & 3 kids (besides ASD1 & other issues). I don't mean to be cold, but your description provokes a "clinical" response from me.

Do you know if he manages his own finances?

 

[Coxhere]

I am not a doctor, but an ASD1 parent of ASD2 & 3 kids (besides ASD1 & other issues). I don't mean to be cold, but your description provokes a "clinical" response from me.

Do you know if he manages his own finances?

I don't sense that you're are being "cold." You have been warm towards me and I thank you for this. I don't know as to whether he manages his own finances but I sense that he is fairly "high level" regarding his independence. He did tell me that his ex and he still live in the same house and are "friends." (By the way, until I became disabled in early 2002, I was a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor, and a Certified Domestic Violence Therapist; so I guess I could come across as "clinical." I didn't mean to. I'm sorry.)

 

[Crossbreed]

If he has an ex(-wife?), he is probably ASD1, at least 1.x. Unless his co-morbid conditions are unusually intense, he should recover okay.

 

[Jonn]

As a result, he's not communicating with me right now. What should I do? Can I provide support and, if so, how would you recommend that I do this? Or, on the other hand should I merely wait if and when he decides to, once again, communicate? I want to do the right thing. I don't want to "smother" him nor do I want to "abandon" him.

Giving ppl on the spectrum space is extremely important, period.
It is at the top of my mind in any RL relationship, also.

I would just indicate that I am there if they want to talk.

 

[Coxhere]

If he has an ex(-wife?), he is probably ASD1, at least 1.x. Unless his co-morbid conditions are unusually intense, he should recover okay.

Thank you so very much for your response here. I've heard from him! He seems to be back to being "okay." (He and I are both Gay.) Thanks again, Crossbreed!

 

[Crossbreed]

So by "ex," was he in an actual marriage/civil union?
(That has bearing on the question of whether he managed his own finances or not.)
I had assumed that he was head of a previous household, which would demonstrate ASD1 competence. If someone else is managing his finances, that points to ASD2 (which does diminish his competence to a degree).

(I can deduce from your story that he is not likely ASD3, because those under a legal guardianship cannot give sexual consent.)

 

[Coxhere]

Giving ppl on the spectrum space is extremely important, period.
It is at the top of my mind in any RL relationship, also.

I would just indicate that I am there if they want to talk.

Thank you for your response to my question. He's returned to communicating. I find myself having some of the characteristics of Asperger (Disorder?). I may need to take you up on your offer to communicate with you at times.

 

[Coxhere]

So by "ex," was he in an actual marriage/civil union?
(That has bearing on the question of whether he managed his own finances or not.)
I had assumed that he was head of a previous household, which would demonstrate ASD1 competence. If someone else is managing his finances, that points to ASD2 (which does diminish his competence to a degree).

(I can deduce from your story that he is not likely ASD3, because those under a legal guardianship cannot give sexual consent.)

Crossbreed, I am learning a lot from your responses and, for this reason, they are important to me.
He's actually still legally married and the two of them are friends and share their house with each other. Other than these things, I don't know anymore about his relationship. He's "back" to chatting with me though. So, I am with him. I'm sure that, over time, we will disclose more to one another.