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The Social aspie

Do you like to socialize?

  • I love it! Even if it makes me tired.

    Votes: 2 4.9%
  • I don’t mind it but it does make me tired...so I don’t do it often.

    Votes: 22 53.7%
  • I hate it. I’d like to live away from people with my coconut as company.

    Votes: 6 14.6%
  • I want to but I don’t know how/it makes me tired/I’ve been hurt too many times by people...

    Votes: 11 26.8%

  • Total voters
    41
I don't like big parties... Especially when inside... I will enjoy it much better when taking photos which I will typically do solo...

Yeah, I also find it helps me feel comfortable to be doing a solo activity. I used to bring my guitar everywhere that way I was around people but didn't have to necessarily interact.
 
I enjoy doing things with people. I enjoy doing things alone. Sometimes I will go to gatherings of people who I know and like, even when I do not feel like it, because I know I will end up having a great time. Sometimes I will go to an event where I don't know anybody because the featured activity is something I want to do. Delicious food and fun in the sun are worth socializing for. I prefer to go places where I know who and what to expect and feel comfortable that what is expected of me is something I can do well enough to fit in, so as not to be ostracized by mean people there. I like team work where everyone is communicating and cooperating for a worthwhile outcome but I do NOT like parties where I have to get dressed up and just sit or stand around talking to shallow boring people who objectify and judge me on my physical appearance and social status and whether I hate the same stuff they do. Some people who are known to be "social butterflies" probably do not enjoy it but feel they have to do it so they can be popular. I don't feel the need to be popular. That's a good thing.
 
I know how to when required. - face to face, real time.

I generally choose not to because it isn’t something that happens naturally.

I’m not comfortable and I can’t keep up the act for any great length of time.

The older I’m getting the more I question why I wear myself out being something I’m not.
 
When I was a child I used to socialise and want to play with other kids at times, but I didn't know how to do it, and had social difficulties. I was also quite happy to play on my own and didn't like noisy group playground activities. I had usually one friend and stuck to that person. I could talk to one person individually, or maybe two, but I didn't like groups. When I was about 14 I went through a phase where I found people fake and superficial, and I resented that they would speak to me to say hello or something, but that was about it, they spent the rest of the day ignoring me, so I decided I was better off by myself. I went through a period of depression and withdrew almost completely, and only spoke to people when it was absolutely necessary.

When I went to university, I wanted to make friends and socialise, but I was very socially naive... I went out with the other students, but always felt cut off and that I didn't really belong, I didn't really connect and always felt that it was an illusion and fake, because I was just tagging along and what was the point. There but not there. I always had a lot of anxiety around people and could never relax in social situations. I often went for long walks in the countryside away from campus, or on a bike ride - that was my way of coping with the stress, I needed to get away from the campus and somewhere calmer - I also used the library a lot. So I moved from that residence, and moved to another one away from the main campus where the students were more nerdy, quieter and studious. I became very depressed by the end of my second year, had severe weight loss and nearly quit.

As an adult, I got better with social situations, but could never really connect, had few friends and talked to people, but could never feel like I belong or fit in to a social circle, I always felt like I was tagging along and never felt inside like other people do. Being with people was like watching TV, I'm there but not there, it that makes any sense.

Now, I don't socialise much, I feel like something is broken because I don't want friends, to open up to or to be close to people, I don't need it.
 
I don’t mind to socialise a little bit but it does drain me a lot,like if I’m at a bbq for example I’m ok while there isn’t many people but when more and more people show up I become more quiet and end up looking for the dog at the party instead,I can only deal with socialising to a degree and I end up either sitting in a corner quiet or I go into the bathroom for some quiet time,I can enjoy social things like dancing or even seeing a band at a club but I haven’t done that in years,my husband who is NT and very outgoing loves social interaction and gets more pumped from it and he will literally be the last man standing at a party which has sadly left to some disagreements about when to go home.
 
I can interact with people, but, friends, groups, small talk, parties, no.
It all depends on the person and what they are interested in also as to whether I can
or want to participate in a conversation.
The one person I connect with and enjoy talking with because we have like interests is Aspie, too.
But, we aren't close friends.
If people I don't even know start to chat, I can get involved if they are talking about something
interesting to me. But, most aren't.
More want to talk about the weather, their children, grandchildren, latest fashion trends, politics,
religion, thngs I don't find interesting to chat about.
Very few want to talk about something I can get into like medical arts, science, meta sciences,
physics, or just nature sciences. Yeah, boring to most, right?

Had an anxiety provoking incident tonight at dinner.
There is a small family owned pizza place I and my house share partner eat at one night a week.
The wife has a crush on him. The husband likes to get close to me.
She sits with us while we eat which ruins the meal for me. Cooing up to the guy I'm with.
Tonight her husband came in and they were having a hoo-haa over something an employee
had done wrong.
We were sitting at a table with bench seats and the husband came over a plopped down on the end
of the bench I was sitting on. All aggitated, shaking, stimming with his foot a mile a minute, telling
me what a wonderful manager he was and how strict he is with no good help, on and on, you get the picture.
He keeps rubbing up against my side strokes my arm occasionally during all this.
They are from a different culture so I try to understand. Still I got this feeling of being trapped.
Wall to the left, him on my exit out of the bench. I wanted to be out of this!
That's an example of how people can just be so comfortable with someone they barely know vs
how it affects me.

I see nothing wrong with wanting to be alone as long as you are happy with it.
 
We were sitting at a table with bench seats and the husband came over a plopped down on the end
of the bench I was sitting on. All aggitated, shaking, stimming with his foot a mile a minute, telling
me what a wonderful manager he was and how strict he is with no good help, on and on, you get the picture.
He keeps rubbing up against my side strokes my arm occasionally during all this.
They are from a different culture so I try to understand. Still I got this feeling of being trapped.
Wall to the left, him on my exit out of the bench. I wanted to be out of this!
That's an example of how people can just be so comfortable with someone they barely know vs
how it affects me.
That would make me feel very claustrophobic too. And I hate people touching me.
 
That poll is tricky. Depending on the day I can be any of the last three, and on rare occasions I have even been the first one.
 
I have a theory.

A social Aspie doesn’t care as much as an unsociable Aspie about what people think of them. They are able to be themselves around others. These may be people whose autism is more obvious to others, because they’re allowing themselves to be seen for who they really are.
I had a big social life in my teens, but I did care about what people thought of me, and people being able to spot my ‘weirdness’. To the point that socialising was draining and sometimes uncomfortable. If I wanted to be successful socially, I had to neglect other areas of my life... such as academics, because I could either do one really well or the other... not both. For example... If I was to focus on both, then I’d only be a B grade student rather than an A grade or I’d only be prom princess, not prom queen, and that was disorganised, draining, and disappointing.
So I think there’s an element of perfectionism, perhaps self acceptance issues, executive functioning? and anxiety around being sociable.
Whether the sociable Aspie is able to be more sociable due to upbringing or genetics, is something I wonder.
 
I almost choose the last option (I want to but I don’t know how/it makes me tired/I’ve been hurt too many times by people...) because I "have been hurt too many times by" NT people, but lately I don't really want to socialize nor do I try. One exception is this forum - if this can be considered socializing. I come here to gain some solace when I'm down and possibly help others do the same when I'm not down.
 
I have a theory.

A social Aspie doesn’t care as much as an unsociable Aspie about what people think of them. They are able to be themselves around others. These may be people whose autism is more obvious to others, because they’re allowing themselves to be seen for who they really are.
I had a big social life in my teens, but I did care about what people thought of me, and people being able to spot my ‘weirdness’. To the point that socialising was draining and sometimes uncomfortable. If I wanted to be successful socially, I had to neglect other areas of my life... such as academics, because I could either do one really well or the other... not both. For example... If I was to focus on both, then I’d only be a B grade student rather than an A grade or I’d only be prom princess, not prom queen, and that was disorganised, draining, and disappointing.
So I think there’s an element of perfectionism, perhaps self acceptance issues, executive functioning? and anxiety around being sociable.
Whether the sociable Aspie is able to be more sociable due to upbringing or genetics, is something I wonder.

I voted the social option, generally don't care what people think of me, and was raised in a crowded day-care that my mom owned which forced me to socialize constantly. So I fit into all your theories and seem to fall under "upbringing"!
 
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That poll is tricky. Depending on the day I can be any of the last three, and on rare occasions I have even been the first one.

Don’t worry about the poll, it was just up there for fun.

I’m pretty much the same as you. However, I’m burnt out by people that I’m not sure if I really want to socialize as expected.

I refused coffee with one of my mom’s suggestions of people to meet with. Online is easier because I’m not burnt out. I can express myself better and don’t have a stupid stutter that I always try and fail to control. And if I don’t like someone, I can block. So, bonus.
 
I almost choose the last option (I want to but I don’t know how/it makes me tired/I’ve been hurt too many times by people...) because I "have been hurt too many times by" NT people, but lately I don't really want to socialize nor do I try. One exception is this forum - if this can be considered socializing. I come here to gain some solace when I'm down and possibly help others do the same when I'm not down.
I’d consider the forum as a social tool. Any online activities can be like that. It’s less pressurized.
 
Socializing was difficult for me growing up, and today I am still dealing with elements of that behavior. I think my lack of ability to enjoy socializing is linked to my lack of empathy. When I meet people, I never ask probing questions. I suppose people will tell me what they want to tell me. I never inquire about family, interests, relationships, work, or life goals. I'm beginning to see that socializing beyond small talk and passing the time involves having an interest in the person beyond the situation you are in. By not asking questions or making comments about the other person's life, it may seem that I am not interested in them beyond the surface interaction.

Young people on the spectrum never learn how to socialize if they don't take an interest in others. We are deficient in our ability to read the NT social codes, and we remain awkward because we never knew how to get to know someone. We never practiced it. We never learned about boundaries and we can't communicate without laying out the truth as we see it. I believe this makes us vulnerable to criticism and misinterpretation.

Over time, we become accustomed to odd reactions from people. The NT world is full of competition, puffery, and bragging. We can see through this, but we can't do it ourselves. We're driven by a need to be accepted on honest and truthful terms. The rest of the world has no respect for that. It's too childlike for the big, bad world.

It is difficult for us to change because we need our natural selves to function in life. Being an extrovert by nature, I have no problem being with people, but I don't always enjoy it. I don't think like an NT and I may not have any interest at all in something that others may find exciting. I can't feign interest if it isn't really there. I bring my own short-comings to socializing as well. So, that becomes another disadvantage. Add in a little bit of apprehension and information overload and you have the ingredients for a very stressful interaction. I'm still trying to find ways to make social situations easy and enjoyable. Some are, but I can't understand precisely why.
 
Now that you mention a topic I was already thinking of posting (you beat me to it), I actually socialize a decent amount, but I don't feel like I socialize as much as I should for some reason. I grew up and am currently still growing up in South Carolina, and you now how social people in the South can get! I actually try to socialize more than when I was in brick-and-mortar school since I have instant messaging apps such as Discord (my primary IMS), Google Hangouts (mostly for when I wanna talk to my grandmother), Skype, ETC. It's easier for me to socialize when I know people aren't that able to judge me properly, I guess you can say. It's not like I am a very insecure person. I'm actually quite confident and proud of who and what I am. It's just that too many people in a physical location sometimes overwhelms me.
 
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....I am obviously not a social butterfly or have to be around people continuously. I like being on my own. And that’s okay. Isn’t it?

...

I guess I feel a little confused about it and I feel like maybe I’ve let myself down because if he can be like this, shouldn’t I be too? Don’t I want friendships? He’s obviously more confident in it than I, so why am I not like him?

It is okay that you are both not the same when it comes to enjoying the company of other people. You've probably got all sorts of differences, like level of support in your lives, social experience, personal priorities, etc. It is highly unlikely you both have met all the same people across your lifetimes too and had same experience with the people you both have met, so it's really not a fair thing on you to expect to be the same as this other person. You are fine as you are. There is nothing wrong with preferring your own company. You are not a failure, just living a different type of life, and that's okay.

This has also reminded me of spoon theory, where people use the idea that they have only have a certain amount of spoons of energy to use each day and how many you have depends on you alone. Spoon theory can explain why we all tend to feel tired after we socialise... We use up our spoons socialising.
 
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I consider myself to be extroverted. I enjoy talking to people, even strangers, and for better or worse I find myself becoming the center of attention at times. There are pros and cons to both. For example, I embarrass myself a lot more often than I would otherwise, and sometimes share too much. I have a couple of coworkers who I suspect to be on the spectrum (but haven't asked them) who are a lot more reserved and it seems to serve them well.
 
I didn't make a choice on the poll as none of the choice fit me. I do not love socializing and I do not hate it, I simply don't care about it. I can take it or leave it.

as far as introverts and extroverts. I think people really misunderstand what these are. being an introvert or extrovert IS NOT about social aptitude. it is about social frequency. both INTs and EXTs have a genuine desire for social connection and are equally socially capable. one prefers one on one interactions while the other prefers crowds. neither struggle with relationships or people connection, they just get it done at different volumes.

basically, if you're an introvert, you're going to prefer a cup of coffee with a good friend than going to a party or a night club.
 
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Socializing is very difficult for me. Sometimes I do want to socialize but it’s very very tiring. I’m content to be alone or with just one or two people. Groups are hard and parties are really stressful.

For most of my life I’ve just avoided get togethers. Now I try to plan ahead to get some rest and solidarity before and after.

It’s had an impact on my marriage and I’m trying to get better at it. At least now I know why I haven’t wanted to go to family parties m stuff. My wife is understanding now too and we plan together. A spur of the moment get together is near impossible for me though.
 

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