The Love & Dating thread.

[robertsomerville]

it's not easy being single

 

[GoofKing]

Now apparently she's ran away because she asked her mother a question and she didn't want to her to tell me where they live because she doesn't approve us dating. She told me that she ran away because apparently she cut off her internet or whatever and now she's on the road and I'm worried sick as well as stressed out ...

I can't get too mad because I once ran away when I though that conditions at my house was too unfair. She may end up doing what I did and return home afterwards. I contacted her friend and asked her to help my girlfriend out but I forgot she's barely on DA ... I'm trying not to panic and wonder how long before her mother calls to blame me for her running away, which I wouldn't blame her since she only wants me and no one else I'm trying to cope with this right now ...

 

[Jonathan Weiner]

Is there anyone out there who needs a boyfriend, because I've been with my girlfriend for eight years, but then it started not working out well, so we decided to just be friends. Now I'm really desperate in finding someone because alot of my friends or people I know are either getting engaged, or married; not to mention having kids. If anyone knows any single person, please let me know.

 

[icesyckel]

I have this guy that won't take no for an answer. Should I just settle? >_<; Wait, I have two guys that won't take no for an answer. This is what I get for being too nice.

Anyways, I wonder what I should do, should I go out with out of them. Knowing the fact his self-esteem isn't that great and he is way older than me. To remind y'all, I am 22 and he is like in his mid-thirties. His view points aren't really up to par on mine and... I rather find a comic book nerd that lives in their mom's basement. :S

Why are all the good men taken or don't have an interest in me.

Edit: Is there a chance that if I meet one of the members here, would it work out? Hm... from what I can tell I think by date number three, we would dump each other. :S

I can tell you that the worst advice anyone ever gave anyone was "don't settle." Why is it bad? Because it is ambiguous. What they are really saying is: "Don't settle __________" without filling in the blank. So many things you can input into that blank seem shallow and vapid. Don't settle on looks? Personality? Fashion sense? It is ridiculous.

Also, the same people will tell you that true love never fades who also treat love as an amorphous emotion that you either feel or don't. Emotions, by definition, are temporal states of being. They come and go. If love is just something you know when you "feel" it, then it will fade like any other temporal emotional state. So, either love is something more than a feeling, or it is not.

If it is more than a feeling, then maybe it is a commitment? I don't know. What I do know is that you are either going to commit to love a man or you will not. If you wait for the perfect man, then you will be waiting for a looooooong ass time (none of us come even close). Ergo, you will have to "settle" on something if you want a lasting relationship.

I have been married for 6 years this month. In all that time, my wife and I never knew I had AS, yet we made it work (it is much easier now that we know). She isn't perfect, and neither am I, but I love her and choose to love her every day. We both settled on fictitious notions we held as children of the perfect man/woman, and we are both dramatically happier for it. You will be too.

That doesn't mean that this guy(s) who "won't take no for an answer" is a good (or safe) person to commit to, but at least he knows what he wants, and what he wants is you! That is pretty awesome in and of itself and, barring stalker issues, is a generally positive thing.

 

[icesyckel]

Is there anyone out there who needs a boyfriend, because I've been with my girlfriend for eight years, but then it started not working out well, so we decided to just be friends. Now I'm really desperate in finding someone because alot of my friends or people I know are either getting engaged, or married; not to mention having kids. If anyone knows any single person, please let me know.

A bit of friendly albeit unsolicited advice: you advertised desperation and indicated that your primary goal for a relationship is "keeping up with the Joneses." Try thinking in more strategic/analytic terms. My guess is that no one wants to be your "last resort" or "trophy." I know some of us might lack a degree of empathy, but there are ways to figure out what other people are looking for in a significant other. Heck, on dating sites like eharmony, people actually advertise/spell it out. Relationships are like a contract - both sides need to get something out of it. Your post above advertises what you want, but what you need to advertise is what you can offer. My guess is that anyone on the spectrum has something unique to offer. My wife values my unique perspective/insight. I'll bet you have something only you can give.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I can tell you that the worst advice anyone ever gave anyone was "don't settle." Why is it bad? Because it is ambiguous. What they are really saying is: "Don't settle __________" without filling in the blank. So many things you can input into that blank seem shallow and vapid. Don't settle on looks? Personality? Fashion sense? It is ridiculous.

Also, the same people will tell you that true love never fades who also treat love as an amorphous emotion that you either feel or don't. Emotions, by definition, are temporal states of being. They come and go. If love is just something you know when you "feel" it, then it will fade like any other temporal emotional state. So, either love is something more than a feeling, or it is not.

If it is more than a feeling, then maybe it is a commitment? I don't know. What I do know is that you are either going to commit to love a man or you will not. If you wait for the perfect man, then you will be waiting for a looooooong ass time (none of us come even close). Ergo, you will have to "settle" on something if you want a lasting relationship.

I have been married for 6 years this month. In all that time, my wife and I never knew I had AS, yet we made it work (it is much easier now that we know). She isn't perfect, and neither am I, but I love her and choose to love her every day. We both settled on fictitious notions we held as children of the perfect man/woman, and we are both dramatically happier for it. You will be too.

That doesn't mean that this guy(s) who "won't take no for an answer" is a good (or safe) person to commit to, but at least he knows what he wants, and what he wants is you! That is pretty awesome in and of itself and, barring stalker issues, is a generally positive thing.

I can tell you that the worst advice anyone ever gave anyone was "don't settle."

I totally disagree. I have a list, yes a list, of the things I want in a "hunny". Of course, I have tweaked it throughout the years, but there are things on the list that are still on there and will not be removed because "I WILL NOT SETTLE". I believe a person better know what they can live with before getting married, otherwise it's going to be either a long and miserable existence or will lead to a depressing divorce. I don't want either of those - once I get married it will be for life, so I better be sure I'm with the right person.

What's on the list you ask? These are the Big 4
1.) A biggie - my "hunny" has to have a decent job that pays as well as mine because I don't want to be the main breadwinner (I was brought up believing this way) and I also believe that most men want to make as much or more than their wives, as well (am I wrong?)
2.) I also don't want any children unless they are my own. Children means my "hunny" would always be tied to an ex-wife and I don't want to work to pay for some other woman's children.
3.) Someone who has been divorced once might be ok, but more than that - No. I have never been married and I believe (and statistics show) that after the first divorce the probability of a second and third marriage working out is very low. I do understand that a person may get divorced one time because maybe they were married too early or whatever.
4.) Of course, no cigarette smoking.

The above 4 will never leave my "list" because I know what I can live with and what I can't. My "hunny" should be a positive addition to my life not a negative. And that is why "I WILL NOT SETTLE".

 

[icesyckel]

I can tell you that the worst advice anyone ever gave anyone was "don't settle."

I totally disagree. I have a list, yes a list, of the things I want in a "hunny". Of course, I have tweaked it throughout the years, but there are things on the list that are still on there and will not be removed because "I WILL NOT SETTLE"...

I think you missed my point. I wasn't saying that it is a bad idea to have a list of "must haves;" in fact, I think that is a great idea.

My point was that the phrase "don't settle" is worthless advice while unqualified. I hear people say it all the time without any other explanation. "Girl - don't settle." Does that mean don't settle on anything? If so, then you will be single forever because no man or woman is perfect. It is a simple, undeniable point of logic that you will have to "settle" or "compromise" in order to have a lasting relationship or marriage b/c there are no men or women who will 100% perfectly match anyone else's expectations.

Now, if instead you said, "Don't settle for a smoker," then I absolutely agree. Here, however, the advice is qualified by an actual criteria. Heck, in the states, most guys don't smoke, so there is a huge segment of the population matching that criterion. Again, that is just one example.

I do think of having a list of bare minimum criteria on which you will not compromise is an excellent way to prioritize your search for the right man. I have recommended that approach to others always adding that it is wise to keep the list as short/narrow as you possibly can so as to increase your pool of potential suitors. As many have said, dating is a numbers game, and every item on your list eliminates candidates. That is not to say the list is a bad idea, only that every item on the list should be carefully scrutinized in a cost-benefit fashion so as to avoid putting something on there that summarily eliminates your potential "soul mate."

Your list of only 4 items seems well thought out, and you have a logical reason for each item. Good for you. Most people don't bother to be that intentional about dating (which may be one reason they are still single). However, an undefined list is worse than no list (i.e., "don't settle on/for ____________," without filling in the blank) because it potentially eliminates all candidates or no candidates, rendering that unqualified bit of advice entirely useless and counter-productive.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

I have this guy that won't take no for an answer. Should I just settle? >_<; Wait, I have two guys that won't take no for an answer. This is what I get for being too nice.

Anyways, I wonder what I should do, should I go out with out of them. Knowing the fact his self-esteem isn't that great and he is way older than me. To remind y'all, I am 22 and he is like in his mid-thirties. His view points aren't really up to par on mine and... I rather find a comic book nerd that lives in their mom's basement. :S

Why are all the good men taken or don't have an interest in me.

Edit: Is there a chance that if I meet one of the members here, would it work out? Hm... from what I can tell I think by date number three, we would dump each other. :S

Try OK Cupid. Take it seriously— Answer lots of questions honestly, put up some good photos, write a good profile. Then, answer the messages you'll get. Always check the match rating— Aim for 85% or better. Check what questions you answered differently from the other person— the "unacceptable" answers. Be polite with all the duds, Just tell 'em "No thanks Bud, good luck. Bye." and go to the next. Be choicey. Take your time. Then you'll have half a dozen or more to choose from and next week some more. Find the best possible partner you can. Be proactive, increase your odds. Nobody is perfect. But settling for sub-par is not a good solution.

 

[Ste11aeres]

My Dr asked me the other day if I had a boyfriend, I felt like a complete loser because I haven't got one! It fustrates me sometimes. I get asked this stupid question frequently, especially from taxi drivers. It really offends me...may as well get 'loser' printed across my forehead. I would never ask a guy such an offensive question.

1) You not having a boyfriend does not make you a loser.
2) when a man asks you if you have a boyfriend, it usually means that he (the person asking) is attracted to you. It's kind of a way of asking if he can be your boyfriend. (however, don't immediately trust such a stranger, there's no easy way of telling how "honorable" his intentions are).

 

[anne.bc]

I didn't want to feel like "caving" so soon, but I am starting to catch the "lonely single person" virus... lol...

My ex and I broke up two months ago and generally I have been loving single life. Now I don't know if this is just a bad day or not but I'm feeling restless... I want my boyfriend to be a raver this time, but the only dating site I found for that has been shut down. I really don't want to resort to Zoosk or anything. I have heard many stories about disappointment with ladies being offered meaningless sex and not an actual relationship... That and a friend of mine needed to shut down her profiles because someone hacked them, changing her posts to say that she was looking for a good time in the bedroom and releasing her phone number and home address... she has changed the phone numbers and has at least one account deactivated now but she's still working on the others.

I have HUGE trust issues. I told myself "give me a year, or fate. Whichever comes first" but that might be more than a year. lol

I don't want to sell myself short but it's frustrating when I have tried even looking for Facebook groups for single ravers. The only EDM forums out there seem to be about DJ sets and discussions, and promoting events. Trying to hold my head up high.

 

[AsheSkyler]

As an old married hen of four years (okay, maybe not that old), these are the first three things I have learned for a successful marriage:
1. Super glue is your best friend in the toilet seat war. Glue that sucker to the bowl, and you'll never fall in again!
2. Sew magnets into all his clothes and attach the opposite magnet to the clothes basket. You'll never have a cluttered floor again!
3. Get a good rolling pin. You'll need it to win arguments.
Heehee, just kidding. But I like to tell it to other couples anyway to make them laugh. We adjust the toilet as we want and I just do a search and rescue on laundry day. And sneak as many kisses as you both want and try to do at least one sweet thing a day.

And there's always my mom's advice: "Forget dating, get an apartment and a cat."

I tried OK Cupid when I was single, but I either got only the horny guys, or the guys who didn't want a relationship but just wanted to talk science and stuff. Which was great, I didn't often get very stimulating conversations like that, but I couldn't find a middle ground.

 

[Ste11aeres]

As an old married hen of four years (okay, maybe not that old), these are the first three things I have learned for a successful marriage:
1. Super glue is your best friend in the toilet seat war. Glue that sucker to the bowl, and you'll never fall in again!
2. Sew magnets into all his clothes and attach the opposite magnet to the clothes basket. You'll never have a cluttered floor again!
3. Get a good rolling pin. You'll need it to win arguments.
Heehee, just kidding. But I like to tell it to other couples anyway to make them laugh. We adjust the toilet as we want and I just do a search and rescue on laundry day.

I made a rule with my brothers: the toilet seat can be however they want it during the day, but during the night it must be down. They agreed and ended up being pretty good about it.

 

[DragonGscales2011]

Hello am new at this site .. Just learning the ropes .. No no don't cute the rope .. Lol jk..

I didn't want to feel like "caving" so soon, but I am starting to catch the "lonely single person" virus... lol...

My ex and I broke up two months ago and generally I have been loving single life. Now I don't know if this is just a bad day or not but I'm feeling restless... I want my boyfriend to be a raver this time, but the only dating site I found for that has been shut down. I really don't want to resort to Zoosk or anything. I have heard many stories about disappointment with ladies being offered meaningless sex and not an actual relationship... That and a friend of mine needed to shut down her profiles because someone hacked them, changing her posts to say that she was looking for a good time in the bedroom and releasing her phone number and home address... she has changed the phone numbers and has at least one account deactivated now but she's still working on the others.

I have HUGE trust issues. I told myself "give me a year, or fate. Whichever comes first" but that might be more than a year. lol

I don't want to sell myself short but it's frustrating when I have tried even looking for Facebook groups for single ravers. The only EDM forums out there seem to be about DJ sets and discussions, and promoting events. Trying to hold my head up high.

keep your head up.. There will be that one to come.. I know how you feel.. I too got bit by the lonly bug an I try to keep my head up ..

 

[anne.bc]

Hello am new at this site .. Just learning the ropes .. No no don't cute the rope .. Lol jk..

keep your head up.. There will be that one to come.. I know how you feel.. I too got bit by the lonly bug an I try to keep my head up ..

I'm generally feeling a little better now that I have had a meal and a good long scenic drive (and it would have been longer if that lady in the Mercedes-Benz wasn't in such a freaking hurry on a windy one lane road with no shoulder.... smh. God I hate that.

Welcome to the forum btw. It's awesome here.

 

[King_Oni]

I didn't want to feel like "caving" so soon, but I am starting to catch the "lonely single person" virus... lol...

My ex and I broke up two months ago and generally I have been loving single life. Now I don't know if this is just a bad day or not but I'm feeling restless... I want my boyfriend to be a raver this time, but the only dating site I found for that has been shut down. I really don't want to resort to Zoosk or anything. I have heard many stories about disappointment with ladies being offered meaningless sex and not an actual relationship... That and a friend of mine needed to shut down her profiles because someone hacked them, changing her posts to say that she was looking for a good time in the bedroom and releasing her phone number and home address... she has changed the phone numbers and has at least one account deactivated now but she's still working on the others.

I have HUGE trust issues. I told myself "give me a year, or fate. Whichever comes first" but that might be more than a year. lol

I don't want to sell myself short but it's frustrating when I have tried even looking for Facebook groups for single ravers. The only EDM forums out there seem to be about DJ sets and discussions, and promoting events. Trying to hold my head up high.

Hah... it's funny you bring this up. I've been going through something similar I suppose.

Single for about a month now and I'm feeling a bit restless. Perhaps it's just that I spoke to my ex way, way too often (as in; daily) and that just turned into a big void now.

The raver thing; I can identify. Not neccesarily that I'm looking for a raver myself, but at least someone with whom I share a lot of interests beyond just some personal and physical attraction. My main issue however seems to be along the lines of being way too specific in what I'm looking for and expecting. Though being picky is a good thing I suppose.

I've also considered online dating, especially since I've had succes with it in the past, but honestly I feel that I should really seek out more specific sites that cater to my interest. Though they rarely have any dating going on.

And I'm not even going into the entire "I'm on the spectrum and I might be a bit odd on top" thing, hah...

 

[anne.bc]

Hah... it's funny you bring this up. I've been going through something similar I suppose.

Single for about a month now and I'm feeling a bit restless. Perhaps it's just that I spoke to my ex way, way too often (as in; daily) and that just turned into a big void now.

The raver thing; I can identify. Not neccesarily that I'm looking for a raver myself, but at least someone with whom I share a lot of interests beyond just some personal and physical attraction. My main issue however seems to be along the lines of being way too specific in what I'm looking for and expecting. Though being picky is a good thing I suppose.

I've also considered online dating, especially since I've had succes with it in the past, but honestly I feel that I should really seek out more specific sites that cater to my interest. Though they rarely have any dating going on.

And I'm not even going into the entire "I'm on the spectrum and I might be a bit odd on top" thing, hah...

While you're here, can someone on forum staff please remove the "l" from my username? That was going to be the initial from my married name with this guy... lol

Yeah I have way too many "requests" for my next relationship (s?) and I just... don't want to scare them all away... now that I have a better idea of what works for me and what doesn't, I have actually started listing them... and so far the list has finally stopped growing... for now...

But yes, a raver is a must... because it's becoming a huge part of my life. EDM has been a hug for me in the last 3 years and to attend raves just makes me happy. I was dragging my ex to a few of them and well, I want my next SO to enjoy them as immensely as I do. It would be very convenient to have such an interest to relate to.

 

[King_Oni]

Yeah I have way too many "requests" for my next relationship (s?) and I just... don't want to scare them all away... now that I have a better idea of what works for me and what doesn't, I have actually started listing them... and so far the list has finally stopped growing... for now...

But yes, a raver is a must... because it's becoming a huge part of my life. EDM has been a hug for me in the last 3 years and to attend raves just makes me happy. I was dragging my ex to a few of them and well, I want my next SO to enjoy them as immensely as I do. It would be very convenient to have such an interest to relate to.

Oh, I hear you on that... after my track record of serious dating I've found out a lot about myself. The more I think about it all, the bigger my list is becoming. The worst of it all; most things are already slightly on the fringes. And considering my age right now it just becomes a lot harder, hah. I mean, I'm not looking for someone who wants to get married or has any plans to have kids. I've found that a lot of women my age already have kids, let alone have plans for them, lol.

If I'm looking at things I am looking for; I'd probably go on the lookout for any intresting female musicians who want to hook up and the list of qualities and preferences starts from there.

For a while I've thought if I was actually over-romanticizing this entire "find a partner with the same interests so you can do it together", but then I realized, that I rather have a partner do share these activities with so I don't have to include more people in my life and it's beneficial to a relationship to do more things together...

 

[anne.bc]

I was with a fellow musician and I would love to be with another one so we can understand that language together. If I was with someone that didn't know how to read music, I would have to explain quite a bit of my humor... Lol...

 

[anne.bc]

...like how when you sleep it's like you're performing John Cage's 4'33" on repeat until you wake up....

*nerd moment*

 

[Andrew206]

anne.bc-try eHarmony or Match.com. Eharmony requires a questionnaire before you become a member, but you learn a lot about yourself in the process. Matches are sent to you based on compatibility. Match.com allows for a "Mutual Match", where you can look for someone who is looking for someone like you. I'm on both of those sites. They're both OK, and I've had to eliminate matches that weren't so good.