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Socially Awkward Experiences...

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by stuckinpain, Oct 20, 2014.

  1. stuckinpain

    stuckinpain Member

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    I wonder if I will ever accept that I have Asperger.
    I hate that I can't get any words out from my mouth in groups. It's so difficult and all I want is to be like the others.. Yes social. How do you learn to accept it? How do you learn to deal with that your social skills are terrible and that you're just so damn awkward in social situations. It sucks being afraid of talking. Your words get stuck in your mouth and you can stand for minutes and think about what you're going to say. Just standing there waiting for the right moment. Specially in groups. I don't know how to be more social, I just can't.
     
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  2. Kirsty

    Kirsty ND

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    I've learned not to be too hard on myself and accept that it's just the way I am. For years I've felt the same way as you and if I changed I was told it would be an act. It's taken pressure off me trying to fit in socially being myself, and that's okay.
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2014
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  3. Harrison

    Harrison The Mad Taoist

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    Cupboardy summed it up nicely. You can develop 'scripts', which is what I did, that enable you to begin the intitial process. The scripts just take the pressure off you right at the start. Take a look in the resource section, there may be stuff there that can give you an idea of functioning without stressing out. I'm sure Vanilla will be by with some useful info to browse through.

    Welcome to AC, btw, there are a whole bunch of great people here who can both relate to what you're going through and who will offer their viewpoint on differing solutions.
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2014
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  4. Vanilla

    Vanilla Your friendly neighbourhood hedgehog V.I.P Member

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  5. Peace

    Peace Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    We should not get what we want, for what kind of life would it be. We do not control our life as we like to do for our own comfort, but we instead make choices based on what we are given.
    The information that you put on here did not appear to be useful in reaching your goal. Nor do I believe that you cannot, just that you have not yet. If you want different results, do something different.
    I believe that you can achieve what makes you happy, but it will require you to make a few changes. Your view that there is something "Wrong" with you and the sad feelings that come with it for instance. We are different, not wrong. We are people just like all of the other people out there. ALL of them have something "Wrong" with them. Some are noticeable and some are not. We are not all alike, but we are all the same and have the same rights. How we are treated and how we feel does not change that.
    Good luck and I hope to hear of a better day for you down the road.
     
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  6. Etzelaire

    Etzelaire Well-Known Member

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    I am in a phase in which I try to get over my issues and challenge myself for example with the job of flight attendant. I am studyin I'll try to do it and if when the moment comes I am not able to do it I'll stick to something more... Suited to me.
     
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  7. The Penguin

    The Penguin Chilly Willy The Penguin

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    After so many years trying to learn why I'm having trouble socializing with people, it never made any sense until I understood Asperger. It took me a while to learn to accept it. I also have language based learning disability. Despite I can go on about my faults, I should care more about my strengths. I managed to live on my own since age 17 and been very responsible and know how to cook at clean. I'm extremely good in money management which is not a skill everyone haves. I do well in a career developing software. I take great pictures and make good videos. Despite everyone will have their weaknesses, I think we should focus on our strengths and do our best to improve our weaknesses. Though I know there are limits how much a person could improve on a weakness. Besides that, it best to accept you for who you are otherwise your going to drive yourself crazy.
     
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  8. Spiller

    Spiller Just.. WEIRD!

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    I've struggled all my life - making friends and girlfriends is virtually impossible for me.
    I've read much on AS and ASD and been a member here for a short while now; these things have helped me realise, first, what's different about me and second, that I'm not alone.
    There are a lot of people, desperately isolated just like us, out there.. "so where the hell are they and why can't I meet some of them" I've asked myself.
    I joined a local Aspergers group through a UK charity SAFE/ASAP, second meeting last friday.. and bugger me (excuse my Klatchian Mr Moderator), but I'm going on a date tomorrow!
    I am in a state of stunned, near paralysis!
    I'm maintaining control of my anxiety, partly because I know she's anxious too. But.. I don't know what to do!.. I mean, I know what to do.. eventually, but no idea what'll happen tomorrow!
    I suffer greatly with Aspergers and social anxiety, I hate it, but realise also that I need to find the right people in the right groups; I realise I've gotta put myself out there and try!
    Spend some time here, you'll be very welcome, take my word, look at the resources - there're some great books. :D
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2014
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  9. clg114

    clg114 Still crazy, after all these years. Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    AS is hard on young people, that's for sure. But it gets better as you get older. Peace is giving you very good advice. Get a better attitude and work on making thing better for yourself. How? Well, we are all different and our solutions are all different. However, it is up to you. You are the one best suited to make you happy.
     
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  10. DogwoodTree

    DogwoodTree Still here...

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    Aww, congrats on your date!! Regardless of how it goes, just knowing now that you are capable of finding women just as committed as you are to authenticity can make a huge difference in your confidence level. Focus on letting her be herself, and have fun!
     
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  11. Cali Cat

    Cali Cat Femme Ferale

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    Everything you say is true. The only thing I can add to what others have contributed is that it does get easier to deal with after you have some time and experience behind you. Social situations, especially groups, are still awkward for me, but I just don't care as much anymore. I'm not so down on myself. Of course, it's taken 52 years to get this way, but ... oh well. :/
     
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  12. Alex Bogue

    Alex Bogue Well-Known Member

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    I'm socially awkward in certain situations.
     
  13. Spiller

    Spiller Just.. WEIRD!

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    Thank you DogwoodTree for your positivity and advice! Alas, she cancelled just as I was leaving to pick her up.. how does one deal with these awful emotions?
    All part of being an Aspie, I guess :(
    Note: There needs to be a much sadder emoticon than this! :(
     
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  14. stuckinpain

    stuckinpain Member

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    Thank you so much. I'm not very positive and I'm really stuck in myself. I'm to depressed to make a move and have the feeling I can't try Bc the people around me have noticed that I'm shy and it feels weird to just try to take contact when I've never really hang out with them. I feel like I don't belong. Thank you so so much for telling me this. Maybe it can help me. I hope one day I will feel better and that I will learn to be more social.
     
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  15. DogwoodTree

    DogwoodTree Still here...

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    Oh no! Maybe she got scared? Even if she has another "reason", it could just be fear. Be gentle, give her freedom to deal with this however she needs to...honestly, it probably isn't about you, more about the struggles she's having.

    I'm sorry. I know that bites.
     
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  16. Pyrola

    Pyrola Well-Known Member

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    I know how you feel. I usually don't know what to do with myself in public and whenever I have to speak my heart jumps out of my chest. What Peace was saying about acceptance is very true, life is a lot easier when you work with and understand your natural tendencies. You can accept that maybe your social skills aren't the best currently, but that doesn't mean you can't improve them. Beating yourself up about it isn't going to improve matters, try to be kinder to yourself. I know my already poor social skills get worse if I don't get out and practice regularly, so even if you feel a bit foolish, just try to say something, what you have to say is just as important as other people's comments. As Harrison54 suggested, scripts really do make conversations much easier. I found the book When Panic Attacks by David Burns to be quite helpful, it's not geared towards aspergers, but it does have all sorts of good cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques meant to help overcome anxiety. Depression can compound feelings of alienation, too, which makes socializing even tougher, at least that's what I've found. Working on that might be a good first step.
     
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  17. Spiller

    Spiller Just.. WEIRD!

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    Upon reflection, after consuming a bottle of wine, checking my teeth, hair & sniffing my armpits.. etc ;) I came to much the same conclusion and I thank you for the sensitive confirmation from a female point of view!
    She wants to be friends and texts me several times a day (never had that happen before and having a job keeping up). I don't have friends either, so whether we do just stay friends or it eventually develops further, I guess I'm still ahead. Thank you! :)
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2015
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  18. DogwoodTree

    DogwoodTree Still here...

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    Texting a lot is a good sign--honestly, if that were my behavior in that situation, it really would be my own struggle with insecurity holding me back. She's reaching out, but might be terrified you won't be safe for her. My advice, however you want to take it, would be to show that you're a safe place for her, that she can be herself with you, that you can handle the emotions and struggle she's facing inside. But you're also not there to "fix" her or go into things with her where she's not invited you.

    Hoping with you... :)
     
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  19. Spiller

    Spiller Just.. WEIRD!

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    We met at an Aspie group, so she knows I'm.. eccentric, though I do get the impression that she expects me to have, I guess, 'typical male expectations', though I'm not capable of 'playing the game'; we made a connection nevertheless, but I think,after previous bad experience, she doesn't want to rush; that said, neither do I, for similar reasons.
    You really think texting a lot is a good sign? Patience is the watchword for us both here then, though I'll not think past friendship; that way lie triggers, depression and madness.. mwahahah.
    Thank you again for your advice DogWoodTree.. if this all fails, don't s'pose ya fancy moving to the UK and going out for a drink sometime? ;):p
     
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  20. DogwoodTree

    DogwoodTree Still here...

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    She wouldn't be texting if she didn't like you on some level, especially if she's aspie. So if you're not dead-set on romance, and you're willing to let this rel'ship be whatever it turns into on its own, then yes, texting a lot is definitely a good sign.


    I'm honored...you sound like the kind of person I enjoy spending time with. But I've been married to my college sweetheart for almost 20 years now, and not many people would put up with all of my junk. If we ever cross paths, we can still share a drink, though!
     
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