Should we stop trying to act normal?

[Spinning Compass]

Well, I do come from a different perspective here in that I really wasn't given a choice about whether to act normal. Ok, I was but it was not a choice I wanted to make. The choice I was given is "get over your differences--get over your behaviors that set you apart--act like the rest of society" or pay the price-institutionalization. And back in those days if you were institutionalized that was it. Your life was OVER as far as independence was concerned. You no longer had any freedoms or rights whatsoever, you were not taken seriously as a person and if in that environment you still persisted in doing things that others thought you shouldn't there were always powerful drugs to make you behave the way others wanted. Every little thing you did or said was micro-analyzed and micro-managed.

In the very worst cases you could even have surgery performed on your brain without your consent and there was nothing that you could do about it, nothing. That actually happened to one of the Kennedy daughters, Rosemarie. Her father, Joseph Kennedy, arranged to have the doctors perform a lobotomy on her. It essentially destroyed her as a person.

So you see for me it is a non-issue. I was expected to behave as normal. Whatever my problems were/are they were all supposed to be safely in the past. Put behind me. On one hand I feel a little twinge of envy for those who are free to be themselves (or think they are free) on the other hand I feel that that can be a dangerous luxury some of us can ill-afford to indulge in.

So for me the question would be "is it SAFE to stop trying to act normal?"

 

[Christian T]

so long as you are nice to people to their face, you can say what you like about them behind thier back

I can't stand that feature of neurotypical culture. It's very prominent at my high school, like so many others, but with an extra condition - "...you can say what you like about them behind your back, except if it's a shy aspie, then all of the surrounding people can dig their little vulture claws into his self-esteem with a self-righteous, patronising, hypocritical lecture about social values"

 

[Christian T]

Tony Attwood has some interesting acedemic ideas but quite frankly the more I have read the more i question him and who he really supports-he appears to be more beneficial from the perspective of parents and guardians of those on the spectrum. His chapter on relationships in his book the complete guide to Aspergers sydrome was more than a little disturbing to read and I was left feeling distinctly cold.

That's exactly what I thought. His "complete guide" is more of an instruction manual that treats aspies like a new species of plant - it's very much aimed at neurotypicals, with little genuine empathy, because Attwood is an NT himself.

 

[Christian T]

Well, I do come from a different perspective here in that I really wasn't given a choice about whether to act normal. Ok, I was but it was not a choice I wanted to make. The choice I was given is "get over your differences--get over your behaviors that set you apart--act like the rest of society" or pay the price-institutionalization. And back in those days if you were institutionalized that was it. Your life was OVER as far as independence was concerned. You no longer had any freedoms or rights whatsoever, you were not taken seriously as a person and if in that environment you still persisted in doing things that others thought you shouldn't there were always powerful drugs to make you behave the way others wanted. Every little thing you did or said was micro-analyzed and micro-managed.

In the very worst cases you could even have surgery performed on your brain without your consent and there was nothing that you could do about it, nothing. That actually happened to one of the Kennedy daughters, Rosemarie. Her father, Joseph Kennedy, arranged to have the doctors perform a lobotomy on her. It essentially destroyed her as a person.

So you see for me it is a non-issue. I was expected to behave as normal. Whatever my problems were/are they were all supposed to be safely in the past. Put behind me. On one hand I feel a little twinge of envy for those who are free to be themselves (or think they are free) on the other hand I feel that that can be a dangerous luxury some of us can ill-afford to indulge in.

So for me the question would be "is it SAFE to stop trying to act normal?"

God, I hate the ignorance and brutality that surrounded old-fashioned psychology. However, I think you can let your guard down now that it's much more developed, particularly something like Asperger's which is seen as mild. It must have been hellish for you before, but I think you should try to get used to the current situation.

 

[glowrey45]

I believe you can be yourself, my mates think i'm a bit rare, but it doesn't matter, however don't become too abnormal, people think you are a bit of a weirdo.
So be yourself but have common sense.

 

[RubenX]

I did. I stopped trying to act normal and I'm happier inside. I know I'm going to miss out. When you are not friends with everybody, you are most likely to loose on office politics and be the victim of the cubicle political backstabbing. But I rather by happy with myself knowing I'm not a fake anymore.

 

[Christian T]

I did. I stopped trying to act normal and I'm happier inside. I know I'm going to miss out. When you are not friends with everybody, you are most likely to loose on office politics and be the victim of the cubicle political backstabbing. But I rather by happy with myself knowing I'm not a fake anymore.

Good on you. I think if you put on an act, they're not actually friends with you anyway, that's why I lay off the illusions.

 

[Geordie]

Why feel like others, when we can't be others?

When we can stand out, we'll make ourselves more colourful, and we add unique value to others.

 

[eon]

Tony Attwood has some interesting acedemic ideas but quite frankly the more I have read the more i question him and who he really supports-he appears to be more beneficial from the perspective of parents and guardians of those on the spectrum. His chapter on relationships in his book the complete guide to Aspergers sydrome was more than a little disturbing to read and I was left feeling distinctly cold.

That's exactly what I thought. His "complete guide" is more of an instruction manual that treats aspies like a new species of plant - it's very much aimed at neurotypicals, with little genuine empathy, because Attwood is an NT himself.

Go to the link I posted about his aspie discovery model.


He has the most empowering view of aspie talent and overall the challenging of society's desires to Diagnose us with a Disability instead of understanding our talents and seeking our personalities out. That's why I love him.

 

[Sillyjuicy]

I quite agree, I couldn't figure it out to begin with, but after a few chapters, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't actually learning anything from Tony Attwood's book, and gave it up for Liane Willey's much more readable and useful book.

 

[Geordie]

Better to follow something that actually works for us.

 

[rolo]

Hello -is 'Passing' an Americanism?-someone from my local group here in the UK called it 'Guest mode'. It makes no odds to me what its called- most of us have had to endure it, some more than others, depending on work colleagues etc. I did this with my entire family for most of my life-The only way I could deal with pretending was by having a huge drink or three beforehand. I don't do that anymore but still find it very stressful even contemplating meeting them. I manage for a while but the problems start when I finally get home and let loose-my meltdowns are very loud and scary at times. Again they are getting better as I know what causes them now. My immediate family now know I am aspergers but I have not heard a single word about it from them.Denial appears to be order of the day. Soup, you are right in saying that many neurotypicals are 'passing' themselves-this has been a major reason why aspergers are bullied because most will not conform to what we see as mindless behavior.We tend not to follow the crowd. I have always been a Lone Wolf and have paid the price for it-a price well worth paying, I may add.To Those who wear nerdy glasses for effect-if they were us for a day or two would they still be wearing them thinking its still cool?

 

[Loomis]

What annoys me about Tony Attwood's website is that it is full of teasers all aimed at getting you to buy something. The site is more focused on making money than providing information.

 

[Loomis]

Better to follow something that actually works for us.

And what is it that works Geordie? I sure want to know. Remember, I am new---> been as aspie for one week. Yay!

 

[Loomis]

Well, I do come from a different perspective here in that I really wasn't given a choice about whether to act normal. Ok, I was but it was not a choice I wanted to make. The choice I was given is "get over your differences--get over your behaviors that set you apart--act like the rest of society" or pay the price-institutionalization."

I am astounded you were put in that situation. Your posts are so well thought out. How could anyone have thought you belonged in an institution?

 

[Soup]

I'm wondering the exact same thing that Loomis is. How could they have possibly thought that about you?

 

[Christian T]

Soup, you are right in saying that many neurotypicals are 'passing' themselves-this has been a major reason why aspergers are bullied because most will not conform to what we see as mindless behavior.We tend not to follow the crowd. I have always been a Lone Wolf and have paid the price for it-a price well worth paying, I may add.To Those who wear nerdy glasses for effect-if they were us for a day or two would they still be wearing them thinking its still cool?

I too am a Lone Wolf - it's much better than being an overcrowded sheep - because, quite frankly, I need more reason for doing something than the fact that almost everyone else is doing it

 

[Christian T]

I am astounded you were put in that situation. Your posts are so well thought out. How could anyone have thought you belonged in an institution?

Spinning Compass, you're one of the most intelligent, reasonable people on Earth. Surely there would be many much more appropriate occupants of those institutions, and I think a lot of them would actually be NTs.

 

[shoukori]

One of my goals since finding out I had Asperger's has been to stop "faking" so much. I don't like when I fake things, and I can tell that sometimes people catch me doing it and look at me funny. i'd rather them look at me funny for my true responses than for acting fake!

I think there is a lot of pressure when you are in school to conform to some sort of social standard. When I was at work I struggled with it as well, but now that I am happily self-employed (luckily involving an obsession of mine), I don't need to "fake" things very often, and can just be more myself. I have noticed that not being "social" as often has led to a bit of increase in my Aspie related behaviors, but I don't really care. I'm happier.

 

[Kelly]

One of my goals since finding out I had Asperger's has been to stop "faking" so much. I don't like when I fake things, and I can tell that sometimes people catch me doing it and look at me funny. i'd rather them look at me funny for my true responses than for acting fake!

This is something I have been trying to do more and more lately, I've tried to be less ashamed of stimming in public. I used to live in hooded jackets that had pockets so I could do my hand stims when out wheras now I just do it, same with my arm flapping when I'm bored.

We went to a talk about sensory processing(in kids) and I was sat at the back next to my husband, rocking on the chair(it was really bouncy) whilst twiddling my fingers and shaking my feet. In the end my husband said "why are you fidgeting so much?" and I told him "well I thought screw it, these people know what stims are so they hopefully won't be judging me" and do you know my social anxiety was not as bad as it usually is.

Then came the tea break and everyone started chattering and....well I kind of freaked out, covered my ears and started getting really angry, shouting that people were being too damn loud, how stupid the talk was and just generally irritated and angry. In the end I got up to leave because the noise was too much, but then they said they were starting the talk again so I sat down and calmed down when it was quiet again.