After a long journey trying to figure out what was going on with my spouse, and coming to the conclusion she is dealing with high functioning autism, along with some likely collateral challenges around childhood development growing up in a household heavy on denial and filled with undiagnosed cognitive and emotional issues and textbook dysfunctional family patterns, and then hidden behind a lifetime of effective and rigidly patterned camouflage strategies. It took me a long time to sort that out. She's very good at the camouflage and coping strategies. I could write an entire book about just this part.
She also has that trait where she's very effective and successful at One Thing; that one thing is her job, but is sucks all her energy and emotional intelligence and leaves nothing left for her marriage. The concept of self-improvement emotionally for her literally does not exist.
I am pretty sure it is all invisible to her, but it is hidden behind an extremely well-armed wall that is eventually obvious to see if you are around it long enough. But not without suffering a lot of scars and abuse to get there.
Then, there was another long journey trying to navigate the wall of camouflage and denial strategies she employs - denial, evasion, hostility, etc. - and developing in myself the persistence to wade through that phase and stick around in a conversation long enough to stay on the topic and get to the original point. Her strategies are very good at getting me to surrender and retreat in pain, frustration, anger or exhaustion without every getting to the point. I call it the "Wall of No," and it's a buzzsaw gauntlet. I could write another book about this.
Anyway, there's kids involved, who are also most likely somewhere on the HFA spectrum. She's of course been no help in dealing with that. Too close to the bone I guess. Acknowledging the cognitive challenge in anyone close to her, and then developing a plan to deal with it is verboten. Since it would require acknowledging and then dissembling her entire lifelong facade of normalcy.
Divorce has not been an option - trying to share custody would be an unmitigated disaster, not to mention going bankrupt trying to maintain two houses. And frankly, I do not trust her alone with the kids; she would fall apart very quickly without my presence in making sure the bills get paid and doctor's appointments made etc, and intervening when she gets stuck in a hostility cycle with the kids.
So with that background aside, I am nearing the time to put the whole thing on the table. We MUST deal with this in the kids. We must name it, and get professional help. My approach has been to introduce patterns and strategies going on, and then associate them with cognitive diagnosis’s as examples. Essentially, I am trying to sneak the word "autism" into being normalized. But I really don't know the end game, I assume at some point I'll blow my top and just shout at her that she's freaking autistic and to get her head out of her a** and do something about it. Which might not be very effective, but frankly I don't think this is an effective option unless she is ready for it, but at least that approach gets it done.
I guess this post is a request for ideas.
(PS. Yes, I am likely somewhere on that spectrum too, but back in my day they would have called it the emotional baggage that comes with giftedness. But my manifestation is the opposite, instead of burying and denying it, I've embraced it, explored it, and been on a lifelong journey to figure out why I've always felt different that most people.)
She also has that trait where she's very effective and successful at One Thing; that one thing is her job, but is sucks all her energy and emotional intelligence and leaves nothing left for her marriage. The concept of self-improvement emotionally for her literally does not exist.
I am pretty sure it is all invisible to her, but it is hidden behind an extremely well-armed wall that is eventually obvious to see if you are around it long enough. But not without suffering a lot of scars and abuse to get there.
Then, there was another long journey trying to navigate the wall of camouflage and denial strategies she employs - denial, evasion, hostility, etc. - and developing in myself the persistence to wade through that phase and stick around in a conversation long enough to stay on the topic and get to the original point. Her strategies are very good at getting me to surrender and retreat in pain, frustration, anger or exhaustion without every getting to the point. I call it the "Wall of No," and it's a buzzsaw gauntlet. I could write another book about this.
Anyway, there's kids involved, who are also most likely somewhere on the HFA spectrum. She's of course been no help in dealing with that. Too close to the bone I guess. Acknowledging the cognitive challenge in anyone close to her, and then developing a plan to deal with it is verboten. Since it would require acknowledging and then dissembling her entire lifelong facade of normalcy.
Divorce has not been an option - trying to share custody would be an unmitigated disaster, not to mention going bankrupt trying to maintain two houses. And frankly, I do not trust her alone with the kids; she would fall apart very quickly without my presence in making sure the bills get paid and doctor's appointments made etc, and intervening when she gets stuck in a hostility cycle with the kids.
So with that background aside, I am nearing the time to put the whole thing on the table. We MUST deal with this in the kids. We must name it, and get professional help. My approach has been to introduce patterns and strategies going on, and then associate them with cognitive diagnosis’s as examples. Essentially, I am trying to sneak the word "autism" into being normalized. But I really don't know the end game, I assume at some point I'll blow my top and just shout at her that she's freaking autistic and to get her head out of her a** and do something about it. Which might not be very effective, but frankly I don't think this is an effective option unless she is ready for it, but at least that approach gets it done.
I guess this post is a request for ideas.
(PS. Yes, I am likely somewhere on that spectrum too, but back in my day they would have called it the emotional baggage that comes with giftedness. But my manifestation is the opposite, instead of burying and denying it, I've embraced it, explored it, and been on a lifelong journey to figure out why I've always felt different that most people.)