Ready to broach the issue with spouse

[MartinM]

After a long journey trying to figure out what was going on with my spouse, and coming to the conclusion she is dealing with high functioning autism, along with some likely collateral challenges around childhood development growing up in a household heavy on denial and filled with undiagnosed cognitive and emotional issues and textbook dysfunctional family patterns, and then hidden behind a lifetime of effective and rigidly patterned camouflage strategies. It took me a long time to sort that out. She's very good at the camouflage and coping strategies. I could write an entire book about just this part.

She also has that trait where she's very effective and successful at One Thing; that one thing is her job, but is sucks all her energy and emotional intelligence and leaves nothing left for her marriage. The concept of self-improvement emotionally for her literally does not exist.

I am pretty sure it is all invisible to her, but it is hidden behind an extremely well-armed wall that is eventually obvious to see if you are around it long enough. But not without suffering a lot of scars and abuse to get there.

Then, there was another long journey trying to navigate the wall of camouflage and denial strategies she employs - denial, evasion, hostility, etc. - and developing in myself the persistence to wade through that phase and stick around in a conversation long enough to stay on the topic and get to the original point. Her strategies are very good at getting me to surrender and retreat in pain, frustration, anger or exhaustion without every getting to the point. I call it the "Wall of No," and it's a buzzsaw gauntlet. I could write another book about this.

Anyway, there's kids involved, who are also most likely somewhere on the HFA spectrum. She's of course been no help in dealing with that. Too close to the bone I guess. Acknowledging the cognitive challenge in anyone close to her, and then developing a plan to deal with it is verboten. Since it would require acknowledging and then dissembling her entire lifelong facade of normalcy.

Divorce has not been an option - trying to share custody would be an unmitigated disaster, not to mention going bankrupt trying to maintain two houses. And frankly, I do not trust her alone with the kids; she would fall apart very quickly without my presence in making sure the bills get paid and doctor's appointments made etc, and intervening when she gets stuck in a hostility cycle with the kids.

So with that background aside, I am nearing the time to put the whole thing on the table. We MUST deal with this in the kids. We must name it, and get professional help. My approach has been to introduce patterns and strategies going on, and then associate them with cognitive diagnosis’s as examples. Essentially, I am trying to sneak the word "autism" into being normalized. But I really don't know the end game, I assume at some point I'll blow my top and just shout at her that she's freaking autistic and to get her head out of her a** and do something about it. Which might not be very effective, but frankly I don't think this is an effective option unless she is ready for it, but at least that approach gets it done.

I guess this post is a request for ideas.

(PS. Yes, I am likely somewhere on that spectrum too, but back in my day they would have called it the emotional baggage that comes with giftedness. But my manifestation is the opposite, instead of burying and denying it, I've embraced it, explored it, and been on a lifelong journey to figure out why I've always felt different that most people.)

 

[TBRS1]

This is a thing you need to do. It is also delicate and emotionally dangerous for all involved.

If you can find a qualified counselor to act as the referee and voice of uninvolved reason, the likelihood of being "as easy as possible" is improved.

 

[Outdated]

For most of us finding an explanation for why we have found so many things in life difficult is a great relief. Some see a stigma around mental illness but most don't understand that autism is not an illness. It is a different physical neural structure that affects our senses and affects the way we think and the way in which we communicate.

If the idea of your wife "doing something about it" means trying to be more normal then many of your expectations will be unrealistic and unobtainable. Many of her differences are hardwired and can't be "treated". Much of the trauma she has suffered in life will be specifically because her differences are hardwired and she can't change them no matter how hard she tries.

What most of us do here is learn about how and why we behave the way we do and how to work with that in order to better make use of our gifts. Trying to lead your wife on a path of wonderful discovery might be more encouraging to her than telling her she needs to fix herself.

Many of us find the idea that we are somehow broken or that there is something wrong with us to be extremely offensive. If there was a cure for autism I would refuse it, I like who I am and how I am. I find that jigsaw puzzle piece logo to be offensive for the same reason, I don't have any pieces missing.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

When you met her and were dating, was she like this? OR, is it that NOW, with all the stressors of the kids and the job, it's pulled her away from you? I think the later is more common than most would think. I remember reading a statistic on divorce and it basically said that the second child will usually be the trigger for many divorces. It wasn't the child, per se, but rather the fact that for many women, their role as a mother and often manager of the household, will suck up all of her time and energy to the point where the husband simply is an additional stressor, and the marriage will fail. I think some of this may apply here, the fact that there is only so much "fuel in the tank", so much mental energy that can be focused, that other things are neglected. I work at a large hospital, with a lot of nurses, and a lot of young women, after the second child, will end up in divorce for one reason or another.

My wife and I definitely went through this period. I worked, she worked, and two little kids put a huge demand upon the family's time, energy, and finances. She was almost always "mom mode" and almost never in "wife mode". Stress eating, weight gain, refusing to take care of herself. I could only standby and watch the self-destruction. Any suggestion of improving diet and exercise, spa days, taking time for herself was immediately shut down. I would try to help, but she was always quick to criticize that it wasn't the right way, and would micromanage the whole operation to the point where she would get frustrated. Then follow it up with "You never help", which pissed me off. I felt useless and frankly, would rather be useful at work than deal with her. We would come to bed in the evening, totally exhausted and we rarely had the energy or the mindset for intimacy. Her libido was in the dumps and it was literally a lot of emotional work to get her into the bedroom. Did she even love me? She said she did, but she was NOT showing it, at least in any way that I would have recognized it. It was a stressful time.

This too, shall pass. The kids got older, found time with their friends, were rarely around, and they move out. Then, we were stuck with each other again. The house stayed clean, less laundry, less meals, we had money again, less stress, and we found each other as husband and wife. We both work a lot of hours, we are saving for retirement, planning on building our dream home, looking forward to travel, etc. It's a different phase in life now. We survived.

So, it sounds like you've got a lot of "baggage" to deal with in addition to the typical "married with children" phase many go through. I only mention this so it can perhaps help you separate one from another. Sounds like a "mediator" like a therapist may be of help. I would avoid trying to diagnose your wife of anything, because it will not be received well. Best that this information comes from a professional.

 

[MartinM]

For most of us finding an explanation for why we have found so many things in life difficult is a great relief. Some see a stigma around mental illness but most don't understand that autism is not an illness. It is a different physical neural structure that affects our senses and affects the way we think and the way in which we communicate.

If the idea of your wife "doing something about it" means trying to be more normal then many of your expectations will be unrealistic and unobtainable. Many of her differences are hardwired and can't be "treated". Much of the trauma she has suffered in life will be specifically because her differences are hardwired and she can't change them no matter how hard she tries.

What most of us do here is learn about how and why we behave the way we do and how to work with that in order to better make use of our gifts. Trying to lead your wife on a path of wonderful discovery might be more encouraging to her than telling her she needs to fix herself.

Many of us find the idea that we are somehow broken or that there is something wrong with us to be extremely offensive. If there was a cure for autism I would refuse it, I like who I am and how I am. I find that jigsaw puzzle piece logo to be offensive for the same reason, I don't have any pieces missing.

I was being sarcastic about "do something". But the truth is I am out of gas and out of ideas. The fact is, this marriage is dead after a very long period of starvation - she has no model for intimacy, and vulnerability is out of the question. Feeding and growing with a relationship was not an option. It is simply not in her palate. She exists on an island. A bubble. I think the clinical term is a deficiency in empathy.

My path going forward is about finding ways to co-parent, and modeling for the kids how to deal with their own cognitive and relationship challenges, so they can increase their own awareness and hopefully not blunder quite as blindly into their own adulthood - trying to deny and hide what is obvious and inevitable rather than embrace it. The kids are at the stage where they sense something is not quite "there" with their mom, and her strategies for avoidance include a lot of negation and preemption, so it's gaslighting them just like it did to me.

 

[Tom]

I have found that a mutually respected third party is often believed or at least taken seriously enough to consider with inflammable subjects. I think couples have often worked themselves into standoffs with well develped defensive positions that they quickly fall back into when painful issues come up. The outside objective opinion can come as a counseler, doctor, a video, reading material, etc.

I really have no idea how to suggest an exact approach. All strategies may fail, or work. All's I can say is try and be as loving, tactful, and academically honest as you can be. By academically honest, have your facts straight, don't exagerate and do not bring up past problems to muddy the water.

 

[MartinM]

When you met her and were dating, was she like this? OR, is it that NOW, with all the stressors of the kids and the job, it's pulled her away from you? I think the later is more common than most would think. I remember reading a statistic on divorce and it basically said that the second child will usually be the trigger for many divorces. It wasn't the child, per se, but rather the fact that for many women, their role as a mother and often manager of the household, will suck up all of her time and energy to the point where the husband simply is an additional stressor, and the marriage will fail. I think some of this may apply here, the fact that there is only so much "fuel in the tank", so much mental energy that can be focused, that other things are neglected. I work at a large hospital, with a lot of nurses, and a lot of young women, after the second child, will end up in divorce for one reason or another.

My wife and I definitely went through this period. I worked, she worked, and two little kids put a huge demand upon the family's time, energy, and finances. She was almost always "mom mode" and almost never in "wife mode". Stress eating, weight gain, refusing to take care of herself. I could only standby and watch the self-destruction. Any suggestion of improving diet and exercise, spa days, taking time for herself was immediately shut down. I would try to help, but she was always quick to criticize that it wasn't the right way, and would micromanage the whole operation to the point where she would get frustrated. Then follow it up with "You never help", which pissed me off. I felt useless and frankly, would rather be useful at work than deal with her. We would come to bed in the evening, totally exhausted and we rarely had the energy or the mindset for intimacy. Her libido was in the dumps and it was literally a lot of emotional work to get her into the bedroom. Did she even love me? She said she did, but she was NOT showing it, at least in any way that I would have recognized it. It was a stressful time.

This too, shall pass. The kids got older, found time with their friends, were rarely around, and they move out. Then, we were stuck with each other again. The house stayed clean, less laundry, less meals, we had money again, less stress, and we found each other as husband and wife. We both work a lot of hours, we are saving for retirement, planning on building our dream home, looking forward to travel, etc. It's a different phase in life now. We survived.

So, it sounds like you've got a lot of "baggage" to deal with in addition to the typical "married with children" phase many go through. I only mention this so it can perhaps help you separate one from another. Sounds like a "mediator" like a therapist may be of help. I would avoid trying to diagnose your wife of anything, because it will not be received well. Best that this information comes from a professional.

Thank you.

I am afraid this isn't a phase. But she managed to fake it long enough that it was too late when I figured it out. There was a period when our relationship was the item she devoted her energy too, and so it went well enough, but that period passed, and she found a different priority distraction to pour her energy into (work). Obviously, I have my own issues with self-esteem, because in hindsight I ignored a lot of warning signs, and told myself she would evolve out of certain behaviors. She was young, her parents weren't great role models etc etc, I told myself a lot of rationalizations to ignore my instincts.

She is not the primary manager nor caregiver in this house. That's me. At most times she is a third child I have to raise, that's the bottom line. I read somewhere this role is not uncommon in homes with HFA. Although the stereotype is of the typical gender roles. In this house, it's me doing the majority of parenting and managing.

There was a notable shift when we had our first (not second child). She pretty much "locked herself in a room" emotionally and metaphorically and that was the beginning of the end. And yeah, as we've gotten older, and the demands higher, it's gotten worse. So yeah, there was no emotional capacity left for her to maintain a relationship of grow and develop. As I said above, her camouflage strategy has limits, and she can't keep up the act at home. But the practical effect of that is the issue that needs to be dealt with.

So, I will circle back to the issue: it is invisible to her. I can no longer work with someone who cannot see herself, nor take ownership of her challenges. Every day is groundhog day. Every discovery and progress is lost and negated the next day. Again and again. The conduct returns, and we start with square one every time. The same conversation over and over: starting with expending tremendous energy establishing that she is a human entity with agency, not a bystander.

I would love for her to do her own diagnosing, but she refuses to acknowledge she is anything outside "normal." That's her mantra: I'm normal. She held that line and didn’t budge as our marriage died and I begged her to open up to the idea of working on ourselves and on our marriage, and join me and get help. And now as our kids obviously struggle in ways well off the "normal" curve, and yet she continues to refuse to talk about anything meta like cognitive challenges or getting professional help. I suspect this is because the areas our kids struggle are the same general areas that she struggles. So, I had to develop my own model of understanding to at least have a framework to work with. And HFA fits it better than anything else I’ve found. (Note, there are now two HFA diagnoses in her family and two anything-but-autism diagnosis’s, because her siblings have been more open to this with their own selves and kids).

Yes, professional help is important. The answer to how that as happened is even longer than all these words I’m dumping here so far.

 

[MartinM]

I have found that a mutually respected third party is often believed or at least taken seriously enough to consider with inflammable subjects. I think couples have often worked themselves into standoffs with well develped defensive positions that they quickly fall back into when painful issues come up. The outside objective opinion can come as a counseler, doctor, a video, reading material, etc.

I really have no idea how to suggest an exact approach. All strategies may fail, or work. All's I can say is try and be as loving, tactful, and academically honest as you can be. By academically honest, have your facts straight, don't exagerate and do not bring up past problems to muddy the water.

She has fought obtaining outside input and even doing any sort of generic research. I can only suspect that on some level she knows what they are going to say, and she doesn't want to hear it.

Again, her core strategy has been to oppose opening any door that leads to acknowledging that she is a human being with emotional and cognitive challenges, and that she might actually not be "normal" (her word) but instead a complex person with things she could understand about herself and work on. This is a line in the sand she defends with everything she's got.

I had come to accept this was the way it was going to be with her. What has changed is she has extended this to our kids.

 

[Tom]

She has fought obtaining outside input and even doing any sort of generic research. I can only suspect that on some level she knows what they are going to say, and she doesn't want to hear it.

Again, her core strategy has been to oppose opening any door that leads to acknowledging that she is a human being with emotional and cognitive challenges, and that she might actually not be "normal" (her word) but instead a complex person with things she could understand about herself and work on. This is a line in the sand she defends with everything she's got.

I had come to accept this was the way it was going to be with her. What has changed is she has extended this to our kids.

I do really hope it goes as well as possible. But the negative phrasing of how you describe your spouse brings to mind the warning shout 'Fire in the Hole!'

 

[MartinM]

I do really hope it goes as well as possible. But the negative phrasing of how you describe your spouse brings to mind the warning shout 'Fire in the Hole!'

For sure I am tired, frustrated, a deeply lonesome, and did I say tired?

I am venting for sure. Better here than at home. But I am still just trying to keep moving forward, and find a way to help my kids open up to get to know themselves better, despite my being unable to do it with my spouse. I failed at this, I was never able to get past the first step in my marriage. It's scary to watch my kids follow that path.

The idea of cognitive challenges is taboo in our house, as is the concept of getting professional help. I have realized I need to do this alone. What worries is me is I suspect she will undermine this (unconsciously at least). That has been the pattern so far, divert efforts at even talking about it. She has been highly effective so far.

I have a teenage child who did poorly on a test. As soon as I mentioned a tutor, he began shouting, crying, screaming, swearing, rocking in his seat and hitting himself in the head. I said to my wife later perhaps we should get some help here. She said it's not that bad, he just has a little math skills gap, then she changed the subject, then she looked at her phone and ignored me, then she said I worry too much.

 

[Aspychata]

Can you just accept her a little more, support her a little more, help her feel safe a little more? If her job causes her to mask to much, what about a career change? I myself, worried to death about supporting myself. In the end, l did it. But it was struggle of masking and reading social clues. I now am quite proficient.

 

[MartinM]

Can you just accept her a little more, support her a little more, help her feel safe a little more? If her job causes her to mask to much, what about a career change? I myself, worried to death about supporting myself. In the end, l did it. But it was struggle of masking and reading social clues. I now am quite proficient.

I tried that. that time has past. I tired very very hard for a very long time. more than a decade. I was patient, loving, encouraging, open. I went without sex. I went without touch. I went without pillow talk or deep talks or inside jokes or anything besides transactional logistics. she did not budge one inch. she want from starving the relationship to fighting it. I assume this is because I was asking for the one thing she was not going to give: turn on the light and let me in.

there is a difference between what you are describing about yourself and my wife. it sounds like you have opened yourself to your reality and worked on strategies. she is unwilling/unable to acknowledge it. She has not taken the first step of opening a door, let alone inviting her spouse in to share it with her. this is not something peculiar to autism I am describing. this is a very common thing for people with emotional trauma. and maybe that's the obstacle that stands between her and her autism. I have no idea; she has never once acknowledged that her life is anything except "normal." not ever once. so I can only make guesses.

But at the end of the day, I have to take care of myself. maybe it's her, maybe it's me, but I can't indefinitely pour everything I've got into a one way valve that only takes and never gives.

Again, every response in this thread has missed the important point: she has not taken the first step of being open to self-awareness.

 

[Aspychata]

So you are looking for the answer to self-awareness. If you can't get her there, l really doubt anybody else can except a therapist to deal with her trauma. That was there when you stepped into the relationship. She masked well enough, that's what woman are very good at. Short of sitting her down and telling her what you are having issues with, and asking her the same questions of what she may be having issues with, without that then the relationship might be over. You could separate, however maintain the same residence with boundaries in place, check your state laws, and co-exist until one moves out. I actually lived this way for two years with my ex. Check your state laws regarding separation, there are some legalities that do occur with that status. Some states allow you to file for separation as you work towards divorce. Every state is different, l am not an attorney.

 

[MartinM]

So you are looking for the answer to self-awareness. If you can't get her there, l really doubt anybody else can except a therapist to deal with her trauma. That was there when you stepped into the relationship. She masked well enough, that's what woman are very good at. Short of sitting her down and telling her what you are having issues with, and asking her the same questions of what she may be having issues with, means the relationship is over. You could separate, however maintain the same residence with boundaries in place, check your state laws, and co-exist until one moves out. I actually lived this way for two years with my ex.

Thank you for your patience as I sort through this out loud. And your understanding.

To be honest, I have given up on her. Maybe something will shock her into seeking help. Maybe when we finally divorce. I have no idea: the death of our marriage didn't do it.

We have been in acknowledged co-parenting for about three years. Meaning I finally said let's stop pretending to each other that we are married. But we are still pretending for the kids and the rest of the world. (Not that you can really fool anyone).

She did not even blink. Not a peep. I mean, I could have waved my hand cartoonishly up and down in front of her face. (Extreme passivity; that's another feature I didn't mention before in this thread). The next morning it was like the conversation never happened. And to be honest, not much was different in our day to day from before, I had just said the words out loud. And we never spoke of it again.

Anyway, what I am actually searching for is a way to proceed with opening the conversation with the kids. I held this hope she would be on board. But it is clear I need to do this without her. But there's a million ways she can undermine it, which she does already. When we get to the difficult part with the kids, where it is time for the kids to look inward, to acknowledge that there are larger themes and influences in their cognition and perceptions, that perhaps that their suspicion is correct that they are in fact different from many of their peers (which also helps explain why they gravitate to a certain subset of peers), why some things that come easy for others are so damn hard for them…. she sabotages it.

I had to stop trying, because I was becoming the bad guy. Without her backing me up, I am just an a-hole talking about weird unpleasant stuff for no good reason.

(Yes, I know: professional help. It's actually been hard to find and very expensive. And I am indeed so, so tired of trying on my own. the temptation to give up and go with the flow is huge. If this goes badly, I may well end up estranged from my kids and truly alone, living in ratty apartment, and losing the custody negotiations badly. At least that’s how the stakes feel)

 

[Aspychata]

This is a safe place to get thru struggles. We have a lot of great members that are from all different walks of life here. And l look forward to reading more responses. You have to confront what you may have after divorce. It's definitely a struggle. If you can go thru divorce mediation, it's a kinder, less costly option. Basically you both get to work thru the terms of debt, assets, parental duties and support. Then sign off, judge signs off, (shortened version). Go through court, means high fees from divorce attorneys. Some family law courts are backlogged. So a divorce may drag on for a year more. Check your local courthouse, some have divorce packets you can fill out. But you should at least talk to an attorney to understand the possible outcomes of choices made.

 

[AspieChris]

This is only a suggestion, because you have tried everything else.

Find something she loves and take it away from her. She believes that she has it handled, but obviously she is lying to herself. If you can push her so far beyond her breaking point in one moment that she has an Earth-shattering meltdown (the kind where you call 911 for her own safety), there might be no excuses left for her to use.

It would be very hard on you and your children to endure something like this, but you’re already enduring it is smaller pieces every day. Anyone who has experienced a big meltdown will tell you that it cannot be ignored.

Just a suggestion…. maybe not a good one.

 

[330]

She would be considered normal here.You need to learn some more about emotional processing pertaining to autistic people .
Don’t expect typical Nt reaction with heavy emotional subjects .
All you have mentioned is for her to fit more into your world .
I understand your frustration.
But most of us do not display or process emotions like a NTs do .

Her environment is what is making her suffer.

If you have given up as mentioned you should divorce and let her be .
Move on and let her move on as well .

If you truly want to help her you are going to have to change your whole environment to fit her needs , socially , emotionally, sensory etc etc.

Within the proper environment autistic people don’t have many issues and thrive , It’s always the relationship and communication with different brain types that creates the problems and stress.

The question is how to properly frame your concern.
Things to remember
1. Be direct
2. Don’t expect her to fill in the blanks of what you are saying
3.Don’t except a typical facial expressions , or reaction like you want or need .
4. One emotional problem at a time per conversation.

If bringing up the topic -I would approach it like this .
I have noticed that the environment here is stressful here for you . And this is in turn is affecting the whole household.

I want to help you and help us make this system more efficient and better for everyone here especially our children.

From my observation I suspect you may be on the spectrum. This is not a bad thing . This is something to embrace and we all need to learn how to adapt with this different brain type . It will make life easier and less stress free for everyone here including our children.

I can’t stress this enough.one subject or emotional problem at a time . If many things at once she may just shut down.
And when shut down occurs we most likely will revert to the things that give us the most joy like our special interest , work , or things that we are really good at to create some kind of order that makes some kind of logical sense to us.

Keep simple conversation not many subjects or words at one time.

After you say this, tell her you don’t need a response now about her thoughts on it . Ask her to just think about it for how ever long it will take .

If no response, ask her a week later about her thoughts about the conversation.
If she responds in a positive or curious manner, then move to the next step .

You should both see a counselor, one who is experienced with diverse couple with different brain types .
And then see if she wants or even is considering a diagnosis.

If this is to much for you I would consider a divorce .
This may be the best course of action.

I usually don’t respond to people on here looking for help because it’s always the same story they want to conform and mold their spouse to fit with their idea of what a person should be, from their perspective only

This is impossible with a different brain type. It’s like telling a fish to be more like a bird . Logically speaking, it’s impossible .

Most people who come here looking for help don’t listen to our advice. And typically move forward with their misconstrued conception of what autism is, and what the experience is for the person who has it. Words cant explain it. when a person looks and experiences ,and filters the world completely different than you it’s impossible to explain that in language

Good luck ,
I am not trying to be offensive or hurt anyone’s feelings, but this is the reality of the situation if she is autistic Could be a number of different things though.

Therapy can help with trauma greatly .

 

[Rodafina]

she would fall apart very quickly without my presence in making sure the bills get paid and doctor's appointments made etc, and intervening when she gets stuck in a hostility cycle with the kids.

You don't know that. The current dynamic you have (including your presence) is contributing to the observed dysfunction. Some of us can surprise ourselves in how capable we are when the environment is a good fit.

She may do better alone.

I guess this post is a request for ideas.

My idea is to stop focusing on your wife's inadequacies and look to your own contributions to the dysfunction in the household and in the relationship. You are quick to blame her for everything that is going on. You cannot control her and you cannot help her the way things are going now. If she needs to realize and accept that she is on the spectrum, that is a very inward journey that cannot come from outside sources. She will need to discover this herself and choose how to process this information.

The only thing you can control in this situation is you. I'm not trying to blame you for things more than anyone else, but this is a family situation that has become dysfunctional. You have to focus on things in the realm of your control (your own behavior) to make changes.

She exists on an island. A bubble. I think the clinical term is a deficiency in empathy.

Two different things. Many of us feel we exist on islands, but sometimes the island is a safe place because there is too much empathy to process. Islands are safe places.

She may be protecting herself when she is on an island or in a bubble.

At most times she is a third child I have to raise, that's the bottom line

This is a particularly problematic dynamic. The fact that you feel this way indicates major changes are needed.

I certainly don't understand enough of the greater picture here and could certainly learn more from hearing more about your story. But as it stands, it seems you are in danger of rapidly growing resentment toward your wife. There is a time when space is the most important thing.

 

[AspieChris]

I think I understand what the OP is asking. How do I get her to unlock that door she’s hiding behind? Therapy is great but even if she does go, it won’t help if she’s still completely closed off.

She’s in a perpetual state of fight-or-flight. Nobody listens to reason when the brain is just trying to keep the body alive. 330’s suggestion about reducing her stress at home is a really good one, but it sounds like the OP has been trying to solve this problem for soooo long already that he’ll not want to invest the time it might take to find out if it’ll work. And it probably would work, but it would be a lengthy process given how determined she has become in her denial.

 

[Rodafina]

...it would be a lengthy process given how determined she has become in her denial.

We simply do not have enough information to know this is true. We only have one side of the story and it is important to consider both sides.

The OP sounds burnt out himself. It is obvious he cares and has put effort into what HE thinks would work. The perspective we are missing is hers, and she may have a very different way of understanding what has been described here.