You're doing the best you can with a situation that is both frustrating and worrying for you. It's not your responsibility, but I guess no one really knows how to address this or has the resources to find out what the appropriate course of action would be.
I think you're doing a good job asking as to 'why' and trying to find out the reason. But sometimes, being put on the spot like that only makes someone go inward. He could be embarrassed that he feels this way and has no words to put that frustration into a logical format for you to understand or even for him to understand. Maybe some ways that could help is to play out the scenario that made him feel that way. Take the pressure off him to explain himself and feel like he's done something wrong. Talk around the subject, talk about the setting this took place in, talk about someone who was involved "what were they doing?" - "what did they say" - "what else was happening around you"? Because that would enable him to relay factual occurrences rather than search for explanations.
When you can find out the scenarios or people's actions/words that set him off, maybe then you can both work on ways that he can deal with them in a more constructive way. The main thing is for him not to feel like he's in trouble because clearly he's having a hard time dealing with emotions at this time, plus for a boy of 12, it's a difficult period of time to be with hormones going all over the place. It's good that this is brought to attention early before his reactions to scenarios really cement into unhealthy ways of thinking.
I think that your suggestion about talking around the subject is something I should try to do more often. With the headphone situation in particular, I had a lot of trouble because he just kept telling me he was on the computer at school.. I really don't know what gave him the idea of wrapping the headphones around his neck.
I do think that I make him feel like he's in trouble too often. His behaviorists suggested that I give him alternative ways to express his frustration, but I just always have trouble thinking of them in the moment. For instance, my parents will want him to go to the dining table and eat dinner, and he'll respond with the hospital/gun stuff and refuse to go to dinner. The more appropriate response is, "I don't want to go to the dining table/I don't want to eat dinner," but I can't really tell him to do that if he actually does have to eat dinner at that time. I don't really know what other options he has because he just has to eat??
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Its a difficult situation and not one that has a simple answer. In a general sense I think that your parents getting more involved and in consultation (that is working closely with) the behaviorist or any other professional involved would be most helpful. Parents being worn down by bad behavior and giving in is very common and of course just encourages more bad behavior. As a sister your opportunities and responsibilities are limited, other then being a good model for your sibling. In cases like where the teacher contacts you, try and redirect it to a parent. Not sure about what is available to your family but there are programs where a behaviorist comes to the house most days and works on that from inside the family situation, and in part teaches/models to the parent how to deal with things. Kudos to you for your effort and concern.
We've actually had a pair of behaviorists come to the house for the past 9 (??) years. They've had consultations and meetings 1-2 times a month with my parents -- my mom is the only one remotely willing to try to help my brother but she takes care of the entire house. Most of the time, she doesn't have free time until 8 or 9 pm and she isn't home on the weekend. My parents are also non-English speaking, so I feel like whatever the behaviorists say is always a bunch of jargon and gibberish to them. I feel like it's getting to a point where he needs to try some new form of treatment that works for both him and my parents, but I honestly didn't even consider medication, talk therapy, etc etc. because I didn't know about them until I went on this forum.
As parents, if your work and home schedule occupies the entirety of your day, how do you navigate being able to implement that routine and structure for your child? I honestly found it hard for myself to be consistent about routine because I would be working on my school stuff and just forgot to check on him. I'd also like to ask if there's any way to remedy the effects of all the years my parents gave in to him -- it has gotten to the point where the only person my brother listens to is me. What my parents tell him to do holds no weight to him and he just ignores it. Now that I'm gone, he's starting to listen to me less when I'm back, too.
As for the teacher ... they e-mail and contact my parents with the same info. Whenever they contact me, it's because they want me to help explain the situation to my parents. I never know what to do with this information because I'm not sure what we can do at home to address the problems they bring up.
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That doesn't mean for sure that he actually understands why it's wrong/inappropriate.
He might accept that something is considered wrong/inappropriate without understanding why.
And it could just mean he knows that you think it's wrong/don't like when he does certain things (without actually thinking they are wrong/inappropriate, himself), and that he knows what you expect him to say or knows what to say to you to smooth over the situation or end any interaction with you about the behavior. (This doesn't mean he's being intentionally, maliciously manipulative....it could be just pattern matching and him doing what he thinks is expected of him, or his only way to cope with being overwhelmed or confused in an interaction is to try to get it to its end point as quickly as possible.)
You have a point about that. I don't know how to confirm or check whether or not he actually understands why. He does tell me why it is considered wrong/inappropriate but I'm not sure if he just knows to say what it is because it's been repeated to him so many times. For instance, he'll consider jay-walking without checking the traffic, but stop himself and say, "No, it's dangerous!" When he makes those hospital/gun comments, he says, "No, that is a threat!". He also knows precisely what videos he shouldn't be watching (object shredding/some hydraulic press??, dangerous tests with phones, gory cartoons, etc.) so he automatically shuts it off when I walk by. It gets difficult at times because I still have to check what he was hiding from me, and he yells while trying to pull me away from the computer. It really sucks because it's not that I want to be intrusive on his privacy and sometimes I wonder where I need to start drawing the line, but I don't know what else I can do.