My language is too mean?

[tripleU]

People consider me to be very rude, and I got banned from blenderartists for this. It's like I don't know some rules of the universe. Like I say you are dumb and some instructions, they get angry. Couldn't you ask me for further info, no just get angry and ban.

I can't detect tone. If, I say something like this (sunlight) reminds me of my very tall cousin. My grandpa took it as an insult to "his kids", no that's your grandchildren. What is this law of the Universe? Also, as a child I didn't understand jokes until Middle School, when I tried deeply thinking on them.

 

[maycontainthunder]

Calling someone dumb really isn't constructive though. What you did was make them feel targeted, always the wrong thing to do. They will snap back and you the thread spirals into an argument with abuse.

Keeping language supportive works. We've all been that noob once so helping others learn from our own mistakes when we were in their shoes is the best way.

When someone disagrees with you the only way is to agree to disagree or you'll be locked in an eternal argument that cannot be won.

Saying the wrong thing happens, we are human.

 

[tripleU]

I understand, but what are the rules to the harshness of the sentence, that neurotypicals know?

 

[Outdated]

Avoid calling people names. That's not just for NTs either, how would you feel if someone called you dumb?

Show sympathy for people that are having problems, they are probably already frustrated and upset when they are having trouble, someone using language that makes them feel small and useless is not helpful.

 

[tripleU]

Avoid calling people names. That's not just for NTs either, how would you feel if someone called you dumb?

Show sympathy for people that are having problems, they are probably already frustrated and upset when they are having trouble, someone using language that makes them feel small and useless is not helpful.

So instead of dumb, I say you can solve it by...?

 

[maycontainthunder]

An example of how I would respond to someone with a problem;

"OK, I advise trying this. (gives a set of instructions) Let me know if there is something you don't understand and I'll go through it with you."

This should calm them. Getting frustrated isn't confined to just those with ASD. Snapping at others sometimes happens at this point.

In the event of the user struggling with the instructions then I would take a few screenshots. After all, a picture tells a thousand words. Many of us, on the spectrum and NT alike, cannot follow written instructions.

 

[tripleU]

Thanks, but I am banned, and he, owner of site doesn't respond to me now.

 

[Outdated]

We all make mistakes in life, learning from them is how we grow.

 

[Rodafina]

Great advice above. Also, especially when speaking with people online or in written format, it can be helpful to give yourself a few minutes always before responding. Sometimes our first impulse is not the best choice and giving yourself a little bit of time to think it over can sometimes lead us to being more appropriate.

 

[maycontainthunder]

Getting banned happens sometimes @tripleU . A rule that may help you is one I try to stick to: treat people the way I would like to be treated.

When you are about to post something re-read what you have typed and think how it would come across to someone else before posting it. As Rodafina says, jabbing the post button on first impulse may not be wise.

 

[furkandorum]

Avoid calling people names.

I can't stop categorizing people in my head, i always feel like many people have nothing special about them and they are a type. I split them types in my head and most of them are just simply "dumbs" for me. I'm always trying to keep these to myself but sometimes ı can't hold myself and call them dumb, idiot or something. And usually, i don't (or can't) feel bad for doing this. Of course i don' t enjoy it but also i can't stop doing it because while i'm in a social situation my brain is like shutting itself off.

"Nobody wants to think they're a type." Mad Men (S4.E13 "Tomorrowland")

 

[Outdated]

I can't stop categorizing people in my head, i always feel like many people have nothing special about them and they are a type.....

I had a similar issue, when I was 10 years old. And I was taught a very valuable lesson:

-----

When I started grade 6 I got a little bit clever, maybe a little bit too clever. I discovered how easy it was to start arguments and fights between other kids, and when they were busy fighting each other they left me alone. Once again I also had a very smart lady for a teacher, and she kept me in after school one day to have a talk with me.

She told me I was becoming a bully. She said I was an intellectual bully and that on that level there was no other kid in the school that had a hope of competing with me. She said that she had already had a long talk with the headmaster and they both agreed that missing time from class was not going to affect my grades in any way, I always got straight "A"s for everything. To teach me that there were people less fortunate than me I had to spend two days a week in the Oppo's class.

The Opportunity Class was another of those great ideas set up by idealistic do-gooders and tree huggers, probably by committee. It was a special class set up in a mainstream school for children with severe disabilities, the idea being that although these kids could never have normal lives at least they would have a chance to socialise with other children. I guarantee that who ever came up with that bright idea had never had children of their own.

Those kids could never leave the classroom without one of their special teachers hovering over them and protecting them, they had to take their lunch breaks at a different time to the rest of the school because that's the only way the special teachers could protect all of them at once. Most of them were in wheel chairs, a couple with physical deformities but active minds, some of them just dribbling vegetables, and everything in between.

I had to read them stories. I had to help prop them back up in their wheel chairs when they slipped and use a tissue to wipe the snot and dribble from their faces. I had to help them in and out of their chairs if they wanted to go to the toilet and wipe their bums for them. I had learned Origami and used to make them little paper birds and frogs and dogs. This went on for nearly two years until I started high school.

 

[Judge]

I've often wondered at times that in "Neurotypical culture" being either direct or mean amount to the same thing from their point of view. Practically a social taboo.

Something I've experienced in online forums as well, with some having disastrous results. Where sometimes I might learn something to avoid it in the future, and others where it's bound to happen again, and again. What ultimately remains more often than not, a confusing scenario for us.

On some levels I can only lament that for most of us, it's a hard life at times.

 

[tripleU]

Most of them were in wheel chairs,

In my school, you would have got kicked out, for that but not left handed and diabetic.

 

[Lysholm]

When I was young I had family and authority figures call me mean names, but I didn't register these mean names as derogatory because they came from family and authority figures (because kids are trained to believe adults are never wrong). So, for the longest time I used mean names in conversation because I thought it was clear my intent to help someone made the mean names endearing or something. It did not and caused a ton of social problems.

Further complicating things I thought people in authority were there because they earned it or otherwise deserved it, so their authority was derived from being wise and correct about everything. So, when I had a solid opinion on something backed by lots of evidence, I would say things that only appointed authority figures are allowed to say. Because, you know, I was right so that equaled authority. For example, at work I would judge other people's performance, work ethic, and attitude even though I had zero institutional authority to do so. My judgements weren't prescriptive, but moreso a spotlight on how they were negatively effecting everyone else's job - BUT since I presented my assessments as authoritative I was angrily rejected outright.

To this day I still don't understand or respect leadership hierarchy, as it's too inefficient to produce good and equitable results. Plus, many NT's love to spend all of their work time exploring the fringes of social acceptabiliy, playing social games instead of doing any work and essentially stealing their paycheck. Astoundingly, this behavior is common and accepted in most places of work.

These days IRL I use a type of highly sterilized, professional language. No names, no insinuations, no allegories, with the goal being no misinterpretation or misunderstanding. Unfortunately, this type of communication style isn't without it's BS. In this arena the most common topics are centered around passing the buck and blaming others for mistakes, failed projections, etc. At one point I just told everyone to blame everything on me so we could all move on work towards our collective goal. But, this made it all too obvious that it was all a stupid, pointless social game and their bickering resumed.

 

[Lysholm]

When I started grade 6 I got a little bit clever, maybe a little bit too clever. I discovered how easy it was to start arguments and fights between other kids, and when they were busy fighting each other they left me alone. Once again I also had a very smart lady for a teacher, and she kept me in after school one day to have a talk with me.

She told me I was becoming a bully. She said I was an intellectual bully and that on that level there was no other kid in the school that had a hope of competing with me. She said that she had already had a long talk with the headmaster and they both agreed that missing time from class was not going to affect my grades in any way, I always got straight "A"s for everything. To teach me that there were people less fortunate than me I had to spend two days a week in the Oppo's class.

The Opportunity Class was another of those great ideas set up by idealistic do-gooders and tree huggers, probably by committee. It was a special class set up in a mainstream school for children with severe disabilities, the idea being that although these kids could never have normal lives at least they would have a chance to socialise with other children. I guarantee that who ever came up with that bright idea had never had children of their own.

Those kids could never leave the classroom without one of their special teachers hovering over them and protecting them, they had to take their lunch breaks at a different time to the rest of the school because that's the only way the special teachers could protect all of them at once. Most of them were in wheel chairs, a couple with physical deformities but active minds, some of them just dribbling vegetables, and everything in between.

I had to read them stories. I had to help prop them back up in their wheel chairs when they slipped and use a tissue to wipe the snot and dribble from their faces. I had to help them in and out of their chairs if they wanted to go to the toilet and wipe their bums for them. I had learned Origami and used to make them little paper birds and frogs and dogs. This went on for nearly two years until I started high school.

I don't understand the point of any of this. Was the teacher trying to show you how much smarter you were than the other kids by illustrating it with disabled kids? Was she trying to traumatize you by subjecting you to such things at that age? Was she equating IQ to some kind of social capital and you needed perspective by spending time with the "destitute"? WTAF?

Honestly, if she really thought you were so smart, she would have assumed you'd figure humility out on your own. Or, more actively, placed you ahead where older kids wouldn't have taken your crap. As-is, it sounds like she was trying to punish you, get you out of her hair a couple days per week, fill a vacant volunteer role, or seeing if you fit in better with that alternative program.

 

[Outdated]

I don't understand the point of any of this.

In part it was probably intended to be punishment, but if so that part backfired. I liked my time in the Oppo's class. That was the only two days of the week when I wouldn't wag school.

It taught me considerably more than just simple humility, it taught me Compassion.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I don't understand the point of any of this. Was the teacher trying to show you how much smarter you were than the other kids by illustrating it with disabled kids? Was she trying to traumatize you by subjecting you to such things at that age? Was she equating IQ to some kind of social capital and you needed perspective by spending time with the "destitute"? WTAF?

Honestly, if she really thought you were so smart, she would have assumed you'd figure humility out on your own. Or, more actively, placed you ahead where older kids wouldn't have taken your crap. As-is, it sounds like she was trying to punish you, get you out of her hair a couple days per week, fill a vacant volunteer role, or seeing if you fit in better with that alternative program.

No matter how smart, people rarely learn humility on their own. This teacher was unusually sharp in seeing a way to use Outdated’s skills to be helpful, rather than hurtful.

We need more teachers like her.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

"A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, in the most delightful way."

It has a second meaning.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Please be kind to people on this forum.