My boyfriend is threatening to dump me because of me getting medical guardianship. Is that reasonable?

[Aspychata]

Good luck. Just keep moving forward in your life. Sometimes, we can overthink things and think very negatively. Try to just read what you can, and decide what you can accomplish next in your life.

 

[the_tortoise]

Wait they can be forcibly sterilized if they can’t make medical decisions? That’s terrible !

There is also an active bill being considered in New York state to ban all forced sterilization, always.

NY State Senate Bill 2025-S3357

 

[the_tortoise]

Ye

Yeah I am going to call them as soon as possible thanks for your help!

You're welcome.

Don't wait to call them. It's important to call as soon as possible. Even just to find out your legal options -- to see if they can help you.

Sometimes it is harder to get help the longer you wait, so it is important not to wait to call them to ask at least if they can help you or not.

Unlike your parents, nobody at Disability Rights New York is going to force you to do anything you don't want to do. So they should be safe to talk to even if you are not 100% certain what you want to do.

It is okay if you are uncertain about fighting the guardianship order, and you you can tell them if you are.

You can also change your mind about fighting the guardianship order after talking it through with Disability Rights New York and finding out if they can help you.

Again good luck!

 

[the_tortoise]

Also thanks for info I posted really is to @WhitewaterWoman because she posted the link to Disability New York's website, I just looked at it to find their contact info.

 

[Hypnalis]

Yeah they dont want me having kids just yet for some reason. But they shouldn’t control that. I’m an adult. Is this a dumb reason? Mabye they are preventing me from having kids now because of my autism? I don’t like that they are doing this.

This is what I'm asking about:

... for some reason

There are many possible reasons, but not many that are likely.

One way to look at it is to assume your parents are looking for a fair and reasonable balance between their needs and yours.
That would lead them to consider whether you're in a position to care for one or more children.
If they believe you're not, they could potentially finish up being responsible for raising your children.

That concern would explain their actions and possibly your boyfriend's ultimatum.
They could be wrong in their beliefs of course - at this stage that's irrelevant.

Note that I'm not judging any of the three parties here. I'm interested in understanding everyone's motivations, because that's necessary to develop the best plan for resolving a conflict of interests:
If you want the best outcome in a negotiation, you must understand what everyone wants, why they want it, and how much "leverage" they have.

 

[monkeyclogs]

i'm really sorry to hear that you are being put in this situation.

It sounds like there are two parties trying to control you here.

1. your parents by applying for medical guardianship
2. your boyfriend by laying down an ultimatum.

This would cause distress to anyone

On those two separate relationships

1. Your parents.

I don't know enough about your situation or US law

I'm in the UK and have bipolar disorder which can result in fluctuating capacity.

I voluntarily gave my sister power of attorney which gives her power to make decisions on my behalf if I am unable to do so.

The important word is if.

It doesn't give her blanket permission. Each situation must be assessed on a case by case basis.

Situations where it might be used are where I actively defer the power to her because I can't cope with that situation or if a doctor assesses my mental state as incapable of making decisions to keep myself safe at that time.

My questions for your parents if I was in your situation would be why is power of attorney not enough?

i'm also wondering if you were to suggest power of attorney instead of medical guardianship might that demonstrate your capacity to understand and make your own decisions?

2. the boyfriend.

Setting an ultimatum around a situation that you don't have full control over is really unspportive.

It may be coming from a place of overwhelm on his part or it may just be that he's not the person you need him to be.

I'd suggest that you have a think about how you would prefer him to be supporting you and express this to him.

If he doesn't change his stance based on what you say then taking back control and ending the relationship yourself might be in your best interest. The role of controlling influence in your life is already filled by your parents!

___

All that said.

It would be understandable if you're in fight or flight right mode.

Nothing needs resolving today.

I'd recommend prioritising things to get yourself out of fight or flight mode before you do anything at all. I know that is easier said than done with BPD but if you can put this situation in a box today and focus on self care you might find you can see a clearer path.

 

[dancerxoxo123]

This is what I'm asking about:


There are many possible reasons, but not many that are likely.

One way to look at it is to assume your parents are looking for a fair and reasonable balance between their needs and yours.
That would lead them to consider whether you're in a position to care for one or more children.
If they believe you're not, they could potentially finish up being responsible for raising your children.

That concern would explain their actions and possibly your boyfriend's ultimatum.
They could be wrong in their beliefs of course - at this stage that's irrelevant.

Note that I'm not judging any of the three parties here. I'm interested in understanding everyone's motivations, because that's necessary to develop the best plan for resolving a conflict of interests:
If you want the best outcome in a negotiation, you must understand what everyone wants, why they want it, and how much "leverage" they have.

Yeah you are right. Thanks for your help!

 

[dancerxoxo123]

This is what I'm asking about:


There are many possible reasons, but not many that are likely.

One way to look at it is to assume your parents are looking for a fair and reasonable balance between their needs and yours.
That would lead them to consider whether you're in a position to care for one or more children.
If they believe you're not, they could potentially finish up being responsible for raising your children.

That concern would explain their actions and possibly your boyfriend's ultimatum.
They could be wrong in their beliefs of course - at this stage that's irrelevant.

Note that I'm not judging any of the three parties here. I'm interested in understanding everyone's motivations, because that's necessary to develop the best plan for resolving a conflict of interests:
If you want the best outcome in a negotiation, you must understand what everyone wants, why they want it, and how much "leverage" they have.

i'm really sorry to hear that you are being put in this situation.

It sounds like there are two parties trying to control you here.

1. your parents by applying for medical guardianship
2. your boyfriend by laying down an ultimatum.

This would cause distress to anyone

On those two separate relationships

1. Your parents.

I don't know enough about your situation or US law

I'm in the UK and have bipolar disorder which can result in fluctuating capacity.

I voluntarily gave my sister power of attorney which gives her power to make decisions on my behalf if I am unable to do so.

The important word is if.

It doesn't give her blanket permission. Each situation must be assessed on a case by case basis.

Situations where it might be used are where I actively defer the power to her because I can't cope with that situation or if a doctor assesses my mental state as incapable of making decisions to keep myself safe at that time.

My questions for your parents if I was in your situation would be why is power of attorney not enough?

i'm also wondering if you were to suggest power of attorney instead of medical guardianship might that demonstrate your capacity to understand and make your own decisions?

2. the boyfriend.

Setting an ultimatum around a situation that you don't have full control over is really unspportive.

It may be coming from a place of overwhelm on his part or it may just be that he's not the person you need him to be.

I'd suggest that you have a think about how you would prefer him to be supporting you and express this to him.

If he doesn't change his stance based on what you say then taking back control and ending the relationship yourself might be in your best interest. The role of controlling influence in your life is already filled by your parents!

___

All that said.

It would be understandable if you're in fight or flight right mode.

Nothing needs resolving today.

I'd recommend prioritising things to get yourself out of fight or flight mode before you do anything at all. I know that is easier said than done with BPD but if you can put this situation in a box today and focus on self care you might find you can see a clearer path.

Yeah I don’t know why power of attorney wasn’t enough for me. The reasoning they told me for medical guardianship was because they don’t want me going off birth control just yet only because I am still living with my parents and they don’t think I am ready for kids yet. But I am capable of making my own medical decisions so I don’t understand why they think power of attorney isn’t enough for me. What do you think about this?

 

[dancerxoxo123]

Again, not on expert on the law, nor do I have a full enough picture to have an opinion on whether having a child is in yours and the child's best interests.

i will say this.

It takes a lot of support to raise a child.

It's a team sport.

When life throws you the curve ball, as it tends to do, can you rely on your team to come together to support you and the child?

irrc you're 29 and have time on your side.

rather than seeing the first step to parenthood as coming off birth control

Yeah it does. Having a child is hard and I can do it when I’m ready.

 

[monkeyclogs]

Sorry, the post you've responded to above I managed to post before I'd finished composing it. The message is the same but this is the version is complete!


In the UK the definition of capacity revolves around being able to understand and weigh up information and clearly communicate your decision.

If you can demonstrate that you fully understand the potential consequences of your decision then it can't be taken out of your hands.

On the issue of whether now is the right time to come off birth control, it's not something outsiders can judge.

But i will say, raising a child, in any circumstances is a team sport. One of the considerations to make here is have you got the right team at the moment? Are they ready to play as a team? If they are infighting about the first step of coming off birth control, is it likely that when you need support, as all parents do, that they will lighten the load or will they be complicating things?

At 29 you have time on your side to get the whole team ready.

 

[Poppy98]

In the UK the definition of capacity revolves around being able to understand and weigh up information and clearly communicate your decision.

(To OP) On this topic, some of the things they might want you to understand are how things like drinking or smoking can negatively impact a baby for their whole life (Google fetal alcohol syndrome).


There are legal implications for failure to comply with certain types of pre-birth care, and it's not unheard of for mothers to be criminally charged if they are found to have something in their system (even legally prescribed) that could have a negative impact on the baby.
If you are on medications that are necessary for your health or stability that shouldn't be taken during pregnancy, that could be a reason your parents don't suggest going off of your birth control.


They'd also want you to understand that your parents have no legal responsibility to help you care for a baby if you are not able to do so and that may result in the baby being given up for adoption even if you are trying your hardest.

Birth mother's rights may vary by state, but I would think that could be a very hard experience to deal with.


I would talk to some recent mothers about their experiences, but additional things to consider are that there are a lot of pre-natal and followup appointments and I believe I've also heard of criminal charges for not following up on those in a timely manner.


You would also need to be able to independently cover the costs, such as babysitting every time you want to sleep in or go out without the baby. You would need to cover the cost of diapers which is apparently astronomical.

You would have to prove that you alone can take care of cleaning in a timely manner.

The financial aspects of childcare are pretty significant.

There can be legal requirements about where you can attempt a home-birth.

 

[Mary Terry]

I am seriously horrified that's even possible. That's an atrocious and inexcusable human rights violation, imo.

Its flat out illegal here to decide for someone else to sterilize them only because they lack capacity to make medical (or all major life) decisions and the guardian doesn't want them to have a child.

The only reason a person under guardianship who cannot provide or refuse consent can be legally sterilized in my jurisdictions is as an unavoidable consequence of actually-medically necessary surgery for something like cancer.

Sterilization is extremely rare in the US these days but it's true that there is an ugly history of it in mental hospitals long ago. The OP's parents are not trying to sterilize her. They want her to continue using the IUD she currently has implanted to prevent pregnancy.

 

[Poppy98]

At 29 you have time on your side to get the whole team ready.

Well, yes some time, but here at least they're saying that you should try to finish up with childbirth by your early thirties because you're more likely to have complications if you're 35 or older.

But maternal survival rates also depend on part on the quality of healthcare in the area.


Advanced Maternal Age: Pregnancy After 35


This may have been a recent change in guidelines though.

 

[Mary Terry]

Yeah I don’t know why power of attorney wasn’t enough for me. The reasoning they told me for medical guardianship was because they don’t want me going off birth control just yet only because I am still living with my parents and they don’t think I am ready for kids yet. But I am capable of making my own medical decisions so I don’t understand why they think power of attorney isn’t enough for me. What do you think about this?

You may be capable of making your own medical decisions but incapable of taking care of a baby from birth to adulthood. I suspect that is what your parents are worried about.

Have you told your boyfriend that your parents claim that they already have a medical guardianship? What did he say? Did he leave as he threatened to do?

 

[Crossbreed]

Have you told your boyfriend that your parents claim that they already have a medical guardianship? What did he say? Did he leave as he threatened to do?

It might be a good idea for the OP to confirm that claim before she "tips that domino..." Otherwise, it might be the intended effect of that bluff.

 

[Judge]

It might be a good idea for the OP to confirm that claim before she "tips that domino..." Otherwise, it might be the intended effect of that bluff.

Yes. Nothing more powerful that a civil case waged against one who backs down and chooses not to defend themselves. It's why it may be best to have no discussion with parents so intent on initiating such a process against their own adult child.

 

[Aspychata]

l agree with @Mary Terry here. The OP could have multiple children with the boyfriend, then for whatever reason, they break-up, or she is feeling overwhelmed with taking care of child (s), and moves back to her parents house, who may not have the income, time, energy to take over this responsibility. Children need 24/7 care in their early years. I still can't pass judgment on the parents. And that is assuming that the children don't have any developmental issues. We don't know if there is any back health history of this family. This is complicated situation, and l hope she understands that her parents may want what is best for right now. l hope she can understand the responsibility of raising a child.

 

[the_tortoise]

Sterilization is extremely rare in the US these days but it's true that there is an ugly history of it in mental hospitals long ago. The OP's parents are not trying to sterilize her. They want her to continue using the IUD she currently has implanted to prevent pregnancy.

I know both of these things - actually my first thought when sterilization was brought up was that OP's parents wanted to do that, they would be trying to do that -- not trying to keep her on birth control.

My comment was nothing more than exactly what I said. Lots of things have been brought up in this thread that are not exactly relevent to OP's situation, questions, or concerns but are relevent to the reproductive rights of people with IDDs and/or possibly-impaired decision making capacity generally...and the issue of forced sterilization just particularly horrifies me and I was surprised its not fully illegal like it is here.

 

[Judge]

This is complicated situation, and l hope she understands that her parents may want what is best for right now. l hope she can understand the responsibility of raising a child.

Complicated and loaded with irony.

When the reality of such a situation in many cases is that couples electing to have their first child likely have no frame of reference for becoming a parent simply because it's an experience they've never had in whole or in part. Whether they are considered disabled or not.

That to truly be cognizant of the responsibilities involved is to embrace them when they happen. The one advantage her parents have over her as their only child. Yet when they conceived their daughter, did they also have such foresight in real time? - Probably not.

When most parents lament that ultimately so much initial parenting is just a matter of "winging it". When many succeed somehow, while others fail spectacularly.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

The key to this is how accurate is the diagnosis of 75 IQ. Based on replies so far unlikely OP has this IQ. she seems quite capable of making up her own decisions. Having once been labeled as having a sub typical IQ. how much is her autism confounding the way her parents view her capabilities.