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My Aspie Man

W

wiserlady

New Member
I am at my wit;s end, please at least listen and hopefully understand.
I am a disabled woman who is virtually housebound, I can only get out with the help of my aspie partner. When I am at home I am limited in what I can do physically because of my disablements so I am only able to do stuff like watching tv and reading a book. This gets very very boring. Before I was ill I owned and run a very successful business with a lot of clients and staff - I have a good brain and am used to being hardworking and not at all lazy. I hate this.
Now this is where the real problem comes in.
My aspie guy works full time, he is out at work all day. During his working day he meets a lot of people, he has long friendly chats with them, he is often on the phone to clients etc. He has loads and loads of contact with people and is often in the outside world.
Yet when he comes home to me in the evening - and I have been alone with little to do all day - for many eight hours or more - he asks me what I did and I tell him. And I get stuff like
He doesnt understand why I felt the need to ring the Samaritans. It was pointless. And he interrogates me and questions me about it as if it was a total waste of time and I should nkow better.
I point out that I have nobody else to talk to. That I need human contact and contact with the outside world. That I had nobody else to see or ring. And he still does not get it and still finds fault and goes on as if I have done something wrong.
IF I say I was writing on a blog or in a forum or in a chat room same thing. He wantsz to know what the point is and says it is a waste of time and gets all judgmental.
I explain over and over that I have eight hours to kill. I am bored to tears. I am lonely. I might as well have some contact there for a bit than just sit there bored. He still does not get it.
Please dont suggest I see friends and all taht crap. If I had better alternatives to what I do I would already be doing the better alternatives. We have no friends around here, nor family. It is doing what I do or doing nothing. He knows that but still does not understand.Things are bad enough as it is without him nit picking it all of the time over and over
He is a very busy guy, he often wastes half an hour doing something which I think is totally pointless, yet he does it anyway. I dont find fault.
I have eigtht hours or more to kill and spend some time on a chat to someone and he says it was a waste of time. He does not get that I needed to fill that eight hours with something and it was better than nothing. It was that or watchng more tv and reading more books!
He does have an attitude of always knowing best and being controlling, it is why he has no real friends. But I am getting sick of this.
It is bad enough that I am on my own with no contact with people for eight hours a day, only able to read and watch tv, without him finding fault with me sometimes chatting or going in a forum to make it a little better.
It is not because he does not trust me etc. It is because he thinks it has to have an end result, it is pointless if you just pass the time, it was a waste of an hour etc. Yet he often wastes a lot of time when he is busy and he does not have time to waste. You could say watching tv for eight hours is pointless but he wouldnt see that.
 
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If you are a neurotypical here to tell us how much you hate your Aspie husband, this is the wrong forum for that. Try the aspartners hate group on delphi, they would welcome you.
 
Never said I hate him. Explained why I am so upset. Perhaps you shold read what I put and not change it into something else.
 
I have no sympathy for neurotypicals who come to sites like this one to complain about us and seek ways to make us into everything they think we should be.
 
thats clear. been with him eight years. you are missing the point. you are just like him. i am disabled, i cannot get out with out his help etc. perhaps yhou shold learn how to read.
 
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Hi!

Were you just looking to vent a bit, or is there something that we could help with?

If you're looking for some thoughts, here's some that I'm humbly putting forth:

1. It sounds like you have some relationship issues. Regardless of whether someone is an aspie, has a physical disability, or any other challenges, open and constructive communication can be helpful. You may wish to seek the help of a professional, or peruse literature or websites on the topic.

2. It sounds like your mobility is limited, but you're still able to do things like read a book or use a computer. You also mentioning previously running a business. Many businesses operate online/virtually, and leadership roles do not necessarily require in person presence. Have you considered, if you are no longer involved with that business, maybe starting another business, or seeking regular employment? Many jurisdictions have organizations that provide employment and self-employment help to those with barriers.
 
Hello Wiserlady.

I am sad to see you being treated rudely here. People here have something that is considered a disability and we should be allies with you. There is a lot of pain here but that does not excuse that kind of behavior.

It sounds to me like he has more going on than just being an aspie. Many aspies are not controlling and generally try to understand people around them.

There are many places you might try to get support. I would try forums for partners of people on the spectrum. Since I don't know him and the spectrum is expansive... I cannot give you any advice about his behavior but my heart goes out to you in your situation. I can imagine it must be very difficult to be housebound and dependent on him.

Here is my advice:

Focus on yourself. It can be really easy to focus outside of ourselves and see problems with the other person. As VictorR pointed out... you should be seeking things to help you. If he is not supportive of this, you might want to seek out help from a group that helps disabled women (maybe a group that helps abused women... although I do not know if you are being abused or just neglected which actually is abusive). People who do not support their partner when they are in need are downright abusive, regardless of whether they are aspies or not.

You deserve friends... seek them out even if it is difficult. Maybe some kind of online club with people who share your hobbies or interests.

Please take care of yourself first and foremost.
 
I'm going to suggest not focusing on yourself.

Start an online business. Maybe as a consultant. Get involved in something greater than yourself that pulls you out of yourself. Sitting around a house with nothing but social media and television is deadly. So is focusing on the shortcomings of your world without focusing on the good things in life. Find ways to use the internet to expand your world instead of letting it limit you.
 
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Wiserlady,

I agree with the sentiment expressed by Ursus Chainus. I am not able to comment specifically, other than it sounds like you and your partner have issues that only the two of you can work out. Whether that is possible, I do not know.

Good luck, and I wish you the best!
 
I have to wonder what the Samaritans are, and if the two of you might have different opinions where religion is concerned.
 
I am an aspie and my husband is not and I am handicapped too, but mentally handicapped, due to have severe social anxiety, so I get absolutely where you are coming from and being an aspie is NO EXCUSE for that behaviour. In fact, he acts just like my husband ( although, he is better, because I have learned to communicate to a certain extent on his level ie reasoning with him).

He is out all day and I am at home alone all day. However, probably unlike you, I can function normally at home, whereas you, are not able to.

It is funny, in an ironic way, because I used to phone samaratans up frequently and for the same reason! But, now I have my faith and many spiritual ones, who I can turn to.

Since you typed this, means perhaps your hands are ok? If so, can you take up an hobby? What about outside help? Can you receive home help?

Although this is a place for aspies, I can see why you come here, because your partner is an aspie, so to my way, it is rather logical to come here.

When I have felt caught, my God helps me come up with answers and because I have an amazing hope for the future, my life is bearable.
 
Hi sorry life is so hard for you, i echo Au Naturel's sentiments, as a person who tends to focus of my problems and expectations of life and others it feels like prehaps you do the same, i can fortunately only imagine how restricted you are re choices however on-line presents many opportunities to 'keep busy' and feel productive, prehaps you need support for your mental health and well being, can you talk to your husband and find solutions to your misunderstanding (Troubleshooting relationships on the Autism Spectrum) is just one book that may help, from experience you both have to want things to be 'better/different' and see the others 'way od being' i ho[pe you find a way forward to have a 'happier' life, acceptance of your current situation and taking control of what you can may have a positive impact.
 
Ursus Chainus said:
Hello Wiserlady.
I am sad to see you being treated rudely here. People here have something that is considered a disability and we should be allies with you. There is a lot of pain here but that does not excuse that kind of behavior.
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I agree with Ursus - this is not typical of this forum and does not represent the general ethos that is found here.

Please hang in here and look out for threads where partners/spouses of ND people are looking for help living with autism/Asperger's. You are not the only one in here who is in this position.

Of course, and not least, welcome to the Forum
 
Have you tried asking him not to be so judgmental and explaining he's hurting your feelings and making your frustration worse? There've been times my wife has had to explain that to me. Once I recognize it I make an effort to adjust.
 
Skeletor said:
He is what he is and that won't change I promise you.
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Have you got classic autism? Because with aspergers, one can change because unlike classic autism, it is not static. So, we can improve and in fairness, when married or in a relationship with an nt, it has to be about the couple ie both make efforts.

Naturally, if an nt fell in love with someone with classic autism, they would know exactly what to expect and adapt.

Won't and can't are two different things. Won't is saying: I don't care if I am distructive; you have to deal with it.

By the way, wiserlady is not a young person in age, so a little respect for her, would be lovely of you.
 
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