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Men: What is your definition of a "nice" lady?

ChrisC1983

Well-Known Member
i have a very strict moral system (simply put, think of a strict christian system.. and you're close enough to understand, but mine isn't based in any religion except my own)..... and i would ideally love for that system to be useful.

but, that aside.. i want somebody who treats me as a person. someone i can talk to, who's rational and reasonable and willing to talk about anything. i have plenty of flaws from financial to social so i'm never going to be the best provider, or the social butterfly or anything like that. i don't have the group of friends to introduce people to.. i'm very codependent.. i know all my flaws and that some are not seen as flaws to everybody. but if somebody is willing to take the time and talk to me about them, i can adjust them
basically, i've always wanted a girlfriend who is also a best friend.... everything else, even things that i know will bother me the rest of my life.. are not a big enough problem to turn away somebody who i could have a meaningful relationship with. but they do need to atleast respect some of the things they may see as flaws in me that i see as positive attributes.. for example, this girl that i really hope is my girlfriend (no titles yet and we haven't done anything.. but from everything else i know of her, she does like me.. a lot.. moreso than she's used to with other people. friends or otherwise)... anyway, this girl has a "loose" morality system (her word) and i've been able to count atleast 10 people she's been with, a couple girls i suspect, and i don't even want to know how many non sexual (ie: making out, groping, ect) stuff with people at concerts and bars but i know enough for me to know more could exist.... and it will bother me the rest of my life if i do end up with her. even if we don't stay together, it will bother me that i was with her at all.. it's just how i am. i don't do well with regret
but... i can set that aside and not show that it bothers me because it wouldn't be fair to her. and at the end of the day, as much as things like that will bother me (to the point where i can't sleep right now and just took some meds to hopefully shut my head down soon)... i still love her. she's a good person with a good heart and, on a personal level, we're very similar. granted nobody knows the future.. and honestly i wouldn't fully put it past her to get some 1 nighter guy (god i hope not, i don't think i could do anything after that) but i need to atleast know she feels similar about me as i do about her (i don't expect as much.. honestly i've known her for years and everybody i knew at that time knew i liked her then.. so at this point i'm at a point where i never expect anybody else to be.

even my "nutshell" responses are still a bit on the long side lol.. sorry 'bout that. i haven't been able to talk to her recently so.. yeah..
 

clg114

Still crazy, after all these years.
Staff member
V.I.P Member
Guys, of the few things that's wrong with America, this one is right at the top...GUNS!! Here in the UK we're shocked about gun crimes (unless we learn that it's in the USA, then we just typically say "Oh" to show our lack of suprise and concern". Waaaay to many bad things have happened in your country to this very day purely because of this bizarre notion/obsession people adhere to of having the right to bear arms. Only specially trained police and armed services should ever have access to a firearm, at least then they can be held accountable for any misconduct. You're more likely to be shot if you carry of have in your posession a firearm. BANG!! You're dead (too late to apologise though and bullets don't care who they maim). Here in the UK most people have never seen or touched a real gun.

The problem is not guns, the problem is people. In the US there are a LOT more people killed in car wrecks than are shot to death. But no one says anything about banning cars. Why? Because the problem is not cars or guns. The problem is the person driving the car or shooting the gun. There are laws to keep the wrong people from driving and possessing firearms. These laws need to be stricter and enforced better. We have had the right to protect ourselves with firearms for over 200 years and that right is not likely to go away anytime soon. What I see as a bigger problem in the US is racist people with guns. Sorry for getting off topic, sometimes I just get riled up when someone half a world away seems to know what is best for me.
 

Cali Cat

Femme Ferale
Yes, the proverbs 31 woman...does she exist today?

No. She never existed. That is an ideal for which to strive, not a description of an actual human being. Much in Proverbs is like that. They are pieces of wisdom that give direction to your path, not the actual terrain upon which you travel.
 

Catlover614

Love Conquers
No. She never existed. That is an ideal for which to strive, not a description of an actual human being. Much in Proverbs is like that. They are pieces of wisdom that give direction to your path, not the actual terrain upon which you travel.
Yes, I love the wisdom found in Proverbs, I begin each morning with a large cup of coffee and my Bible. I realize that I tend to take things literally, this is due to a learning disability in which I lack the imagination function in my brain. There are actually some of God's Word that can obviously be taken literal like, "whatsoever you sow, you will reap". With my autism and such, I have difficulty in decoding metaphors and parables. Taking things out of proper context is a BIG problem for me as I'm the weird one who has to have things explained in detail before I catch on to the meaning.
 

Cali Cat

Femme Ferale
Yes, I love the wisdom found in Proverbs, I begin each morning with a large cup of coffee and my Bible. I realize that I tend to take things literally, this is due to a learning disability in which I lack the imagination function in my brain. There are actually some of God's Word that can obviously be taken literal like, "whatsoever you sow, you will reap". With my autism and such, I have difficulty in decoding metaphors and parables. Taking things out of proper context is a BIG problem for me as I'm the weird one who has to have things explained in detail before I catch on to the meaning.

The Bible can be problematic in that respect because it does rely heavily on metaphors in many chapters. I was lucky in that I seem to be able to understand written words without too much trouble, though sometimes I rely too much on grammar usage to get the meaning. If something is poorly written, it can throw me off.

I understand, though, that the majority of Aspies do have trouble in this area, and that it can be very confusing for many. So, you are in good company. ;)
 

Maelstrom

Magical Pattern Auspie
Warm and loving, Kind, fair, and willing to work through things with me.

What I see often is the: I have to make you lose, so I can win, thing....Very Bad thinking!

Instead a couple should talk out how important different conflicting wants, and needs are, and then work out trades, or split the difference somehow, or try to find creative ways both parties get some of what they want or need.
 

Catlover614

Love Conquers
Having a criteria list for your significant other is not the best thing because everyone, male and female, make mistakes and have faults. Also, when you try to force it, it will usually backfire. Need to be patient and forgiving of one another. Many times, life throws us a hard curve and if we're not careful, we'll take it out on the person we love and it could result in losing out on love. We should be willing to overlook some (not all) offenses and learn to let it go and drop a dispute just to maintain peace. Strife in any relationship is a definite no-no.
 

Cali Cat

Femme Ferale
Having a criteria list for your significant other is not the best thing because everyone, male and female, make mistakes and have faults. Also, when you try to force it, it will usually backfire. Need to be patient and forgiving of one another. Many times, life throws us a hard curve and if we're not careful, we'll take it out on the person we love and it could result in losing out on love. We should be willing to overlook some (not all) offenses and learn to let it go and drop a dispute just to maintain peace. Strife in any relationship is a definite no-no.

That's why it's so important to take things slowly with relationships. I didn't understand this when I was young. You really have to take time to get to know a person. If you don't, you can wind up in a situation where you are making more concessions than you should just to keep the peace. This happens when you don't know all of the other person's habits until you're locked into a living situation with them.

It also pays to be brutally honest with yourself about the object of your affections. I didn't do that in my last relationship, and it cost me dearly. In effect, you have to perform a cost-to-benefit analysis to see if you are getting back what you're putting into the relationship. Of course, you're not looking to make a profit in this case, but rather making sure you're somewhere around breaking even. If you're putting in more than your share, you have to decide whether you're gonna be happy with that for a lifetime, because people rarely change much.
 

Catlover614

Love Conquers
That's why it's so important to take things slowly with relationships. I didn't understand this when I was young. You really have to take time to get to know a person. If you don't, you can wind up in a situation where you are making more concessions than you should just to keep the peace. This happens when you don't know all of the other person's habits until you're locked into a living situation with them.

It also pays to be brutally honest with yourself about the object of your affections. I didn't do that in my last relationship, and it cost me dearly. In effect, you have to perform a cost-to-benefit analysis to see if you are getting back what you're putting into the relationship. Of course, you're not looking to make a profit in this case, but rather making sure you're somewhere around breaking even. If you're putting in more than your share, you have to decide whether you're gonna be happy with that for a lifetime, because people rarely change much.
I definitely agree with everything you wrote and you're amazing in your talent to convey a particular message, in a polite way. I went through a series of abusive relationships because I didn't value my own self. I always have felt like the outcast of normalcy...never knew I had Asperger's....I actually believed others were right when they were making fun of me. So, I am the one to blame for my own choices in men. I didn't think any "Nice" men would ever love me. Thank you Cali Cat ! I'm in recovery from 40 traumatic years of tragic events and AC is helping me to see myself in a different, brighter light.
 

Shiznown

Well-Known Member
That's why it's so important to take things slowly with relationships. I didn't understand this when I was young. You really have to take time to get to know a person. If you don't, you can wind up in a situation where you are making more concessions than you should just to keep the peace. This happens when you don't know all of the other person's habits until you're locked into a living situation with them.

It also pays to be brutally honest with yourself about the object of your affections. I didn't do that in my last relationship, and it cost me dearly. In effect, you have to perform a cost-to-benefit analysis to see if you are getting back what you're putting into the relationship. Of course, you're not looking to make a profit in this case, but rather making sure you're somewhere around breaking even. If you're putting in more than your share, you have to decide whether you're gonna be happy with that for a lifetime, because people rarely change much.
There in lies the problem. Thanks to social media, no one takes it slow anymore. I have a facebook, but I consider it a red flag when a woman has a lot of facebook friends. In this day and age if you don't act quick, a woman will go date someone else. Seriously where I live, the longest I've seen a girl be single is 1 month MAYBE 2 and that's after the whole "I don't really want a relationship rhetoric."
 

Catlover614

Love Conquers
There in lies the problem. Thanks to social media, no one takes it slow anymore. I have a facebook, but I consider it a red flag when a woman has a lot of facebook friends. In this day and age if you don't act quick, a woman will go date someone else. Seriously where I live, the longest I've seen a girl be single is 1 month MAYBE 2 and that's after the whole "I don't really want a relationship rhetoric."
Maybe you give up too quickly or maybe Facebook isn't the right place to meet a woman who interests you. There might be better chances right here. Sometimes the one you should be with is someone who's been right under your nose all along. I'm sorry, not as good as CaliCat at advice.
 

Cali Cat

Femme Ferale
Maybe you give up too quickly or maybe Facebook isn't the right place to meet a woman who interests you. There might be better chances right here. Sometimes the one you should be with is someone who's been right under your nose all along. I'm sorry, not as good as CaliCat at advice.

Actually, that is pretty good advice. People often overlook those around them because they aren't immediately attracted to the person, or the relationship is defined as something other than romantic.
 

Maelstrom

Magical Pattern Auspie
Actually, that is pretty good advice. People often overlook those around them because they aren't immediately attracted to the person, or the relationship is defined as something other than romantic.
I have always tended to date friends...doesn't always work tho...but at least you know they can stand your company more than 5 minutes.
 

clg114

Still crazy, after all these years.
Staff member
V.I.P Member
Maybe you give up too quickly or maybe Facebook isn't the right place to meet a woman who interests you. There might be better chances right here. Sometimes the one you should be with is someone who's been right under your nose all along. I'm sorry, not as good as CaliCat at advice.

Facebook is not a good place for anything!
 

Shiznown

Well-Known Member
Actually, that is pretty good advice. People often overlook those around them because they aren't immediately attracted to the person, or the relationship is defined as something other than romantic.
Nope, trust me I would show a woman attention if I saw she was interested. Also, I don't look for women on facebook, but most of the woman around my area are heavy social media users and have lots of friends; especially male friends. When they breakup with a boyfriend, they pick out one of their male friends. It's like they have men on standby.
 

tyko berglund

Active Member
V.I.P Member
I've turned the tables. Guys, it's your turn to establish what you consider girlfriend/wife worthy?

This sounds like a standard, if it is still really useful, for women, which for me, appears to unfairly target women on some level, and also might ask men, who do they collectively believe they are in making such judgements? "Nice", what is this sort of thinking, something from another day and age, really?
 

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