I’m desperate to get married

[Wolfnox]

Being realistic is more helpful for me than hoping on a dream.

Why would you want to give me hopeless hope? It's cruel

I’m don’t desire children either. It’s not everyone.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I wanted to get married. I learnt the hard truth that not being able to have children meant no man would want to do that with me though. Most my ex boyfriends get embarrassed going out in public with me too. I'm usually just the booty call. (There have been a couple of exceptions).

I cry when I see pretty wedding dresses

I just don't get that kind of life. It's like I'm not allowed.

YES, you are allowed! Most of the couples who have been friends for over 38 years are childless. We sublimate any thought of that by being of service to our communities. My spouse and I were the oldest in large families and had been through raising siblings and did not want children.

No woman was ever my booty call. There were a number of reasons tied up with my autism, yet when I was sexually accepted by my future spouse my only thought was that it was the expression of our friendship and love in the physical dimension. Every woman deserves to be so valued. I hope that you will meet a man that will appreciate you.

I have told women to look for the shy guys. Our energies may have been spent working to improve ourselves with an eye to the future so we may not be socially inexperienced. Yet, my experiences taught me to appreciate women who were accepting and the result has been that I am devoted to my spouse and we have grown in our 45 years together.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

@BewilderedPerson why is it so important for you to get married?

A wedding. I’m really itching to throw the wedding of my dreams, and I’m looking for someone to be my bride in a wedding I can’t stop fantasize about.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

I wanted to get married. I learnt the hard truth that not being able to have children meant no man would want to do that with me though. Most my ex boyfriends get embarrassed going out in public with me too. I'm usually just the booty call. (There have been a couple of exceptions).

I cry when I see pretty wedding dresses

I just don't get that kind of life. It's like I'm not allowed.

It sounds like you’re not from here. If you were close by, I’d definitely want to move towards building something. I’m awfully sorry you were put in that position and deserve better.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

This is a case where feeling is definitely not fact, as you're definitely not alone with this issue.

Maybe you could spot a person you admire and look at what you think you'd have to change about yourself to be a match.

Some of the women I admire, it’s not realistic because I have some sort of professional connection with them.

Lose weight, maybe? I feel I look like an ogre.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Not too long ago someone was expressing their frustration around this topic, as well. I copied and pasted this. The context here was a male seeking a female partner, but I think it applies in all situations.

Honest questions and brutally hard answers:

What are you going to bring to the relationship? The cultural reality is that you have to be offering something that is attractive to a potential partner, and I don't mean handsome, good looks. Some females value a certain lifestyle. Are you able to provide financially? Some value someone who is in peaceful control of himself, but also quite capable mentally and physically, the so-called "warrior in a garden", the calm, stoic, dominant, alpha, not the emotional, insecure, beta. (Many women have learned the hard way that men who are emotional and insecure are THE most dangerous males to be around, both mentally and physically). Some value someone who has ambition, goals, and plans with a positive outlook on life. Are you on a path towards something better? Some are looking for someone with a good moral compass. Some are looking for characteristics associated with being a loving, supportive, life partner and father. Some are looking for a specific combination of these characteristics.

If the situation were flipped, a female looking for a male partner, why would they pick you over someone else? If you don't have an honest answer, then that is why you are single. If so, what do you have to do to make yourself more "marketable"?

I sometimes joke that human beings are "three hairs from being baboons", that only about 2% of DNA separates us from chimpanzees. There's a lot of primitive hard-wiring in us. We do have to compete for mates.

Honest questions and brutally hard answers.

I don't think this was the warm, fuzzy, supportive, and validating response you wanted to hear, but perhaps the response you needed to hear. As I suggested, above, ask yourself, "Of all the "fish in the sea" out there, why would anyone pick me?" If you can't come up with an honest answer yourself, then that's why you're single. Then, constructively speaking, what are you going to do about it?

My therapist made a list with me on things I can offer women, this is what we came up with, many she suggested:

- Compassion
- Sense of Humor
- Good worker
- Good at job, won awards
- Honest
- Assertive
- Want good things for people I work with
- Have capacity to help out at home, take more responsibility.
- Persevere, not one to give up.
- Well groomed, nice neat and clean.
- Respectful.
- Intelligence.

Another I would add: Loyalty, which is very important to me.

 

[Sasha22]

Some of the women I admire, it’s not realistic because I have some sort of professional connection with them.

Lose weight, maybe? I feel I look like an ogre.

I meant even if you don't actually end up dating them, it can help identify what you need to change in yourself to attract what you see as a desirable person. I used this process before and it it was a pretty efficient booster.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

I meant even if you don't actually end up dating them, it can help identify what you need to change in yourself to attract what you see as a desirable person. I used this process before and it it was a pretty efficient booster.

Well, I can have anxiety, have had a lot of nervous ticks through the years and am guilty of an uncontrollable habit of talking to myself.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Of course where there is life, there is hope. What have you learned from your dissapointments? Did you have shared values and interests? Were both of you accepting people? I had nearly given up hope but at 28 met a woman who wanted to meet a man to do outdoor activities with and i desired to meet a woman who likes outdoor activities. I met her as we carpooled to a national Sierra Club trip: not exactly the place to meet women. And she was very accepting of me. It has been a great ride for 45 years now: we have traveled, hiked wilderness areas, kayaked in the Pacific, in the sea of Cortez, in Glacier Bay, run whitewater rivers, SCUBA dove around the world, and enjoy the theater.

Concentrate on temperment, values and interests and things will fall in place. Plus, understand that you need to bring concrete material benefits to the relationship. I failed socially because I studied and developed my skills to provide the security of a decent career and an independent life. But that didn't seem to help me until it finally did with the right person.

I think the first instance, we were both accepting, age of my diagnosis, me of some physical health problems where it was hard for her to walk by herself.

I definitely saw some shared values and interests in both women I’ve seen romantically. Or they didn’t mind some of my interests and enjoyed them. My interests can be very niche, and not everyone, let alone women, will appreciate them.

Sometimes, I myself have turned women down who were interested in me because I found out they liked trump and voted for trump - I realize politics is a sensitive topic on this forum, but honestly, that will repel me from any woman, even if you were a supermodel gushing over me for some odd reason.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

I fully believed I would live and die alone. I accepted that, and didn't even try the dating thing. When we were both 39, I met my future wife. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but we found we had so much in common, and after 6 months we decided to get married. The circumstances surrounding our meeting and things that happened during the next 6 months were so improbable that it seemed like God was trying to get my attention to realize she was right for me and vice versa. She had been married before and had a 14 year old son (that almost scared me off till I met him). When we married, we were both 40. I was literally a 40 year old virgin. (Haven't seen the movie though).
So yes, I would say there's hope. I wasn't even looking when we met!

Thank you. I’m not giving up hope, nor am I giving up trying, not in my nature.

 

[Sasha22]

Well, I can have anxiety, have had a lot of nervous ticks through the years and am guilty of an uncontrollable habit of talking to myself.

The nervousness and ticks perhaps you can work on? The talking to yourself, I don't know, it depends how you do it and whether you can own it or not. I do that all the time but I try to avoid it in public. I also smile when thinking about funny things, and people look at me in complete shock: "Are you smiling to yourself??!!" YES I AM, SO WHAT. There might be an element of self-assertion as well, when it comes to things you do that are not hurting anybody and don't indicate any risk for them.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

The nervousness and ticks perhaps you can work on? The talking to yourself, I don't know, it depends how you do it and whether you can own it or not. I do that all the time but I try to avoid it in public. I also smile when thinking about funny things, and people look at me in complete shock: "Are you smiling to yourself??!!" YES I AM, SO WHAT. There might be an element of self-assertion as well, when it comes to things you do that are not hurting anybody and don't indicate any risk for them.

That I’d love to. I’d love to be under less stress as I’m always constantly on the go with a job I seemingly kill myself and exhaust myself over. It’s a public job and I’m very well-received, but it takes its toll on me.

I am one to mind my own business with other people, and believe people should mind theirs more when it comes to others.

Case in point, I still mask indoors in public. Most people say nothing, but I’ve had some telling me to take my mask off, and I just say nothing.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

This topic is especially relevant because I just watched a YouTube video earlier tonight about weddings gone wrong, and I was really horrified and disheartened by how many people marry people they don't actually love, or that they have animosity towards. I also learned what a "shut up ring" is, and it's really sad that these types of relationships still exist today, and not only that but they are common and treated as normal.

I'm not saying "don't get married," I'm just throwing this out there as a bit of information for anyone who has intrusive thoughts about marriage (I also used to.) You want to make sure you marry someone who you genuinely want to be with, not because it's a solution to a problem.

Am I a bad person, per se, if I am indeed looking for a solution to my problem? That I don’t care what the basis of the relationship is, that I don’t care if we love each other or not, all so I can have a wedding I can’t stop idealizing about and have to have?

 

[VictorR]

A wedding. I’m really itching to throw the wedding of my dreams, and I’m looking for someone to be my bride in a wedding I can’t stop fantasize about.

If your real interest is in throwing a wedding, have you considered getting a job (or second job) at a place that does wedding related stuff, like a banquet hall? Or perhaps you could become an officiant or marriage commissioner?

Think of weddings like a play - sure, the stars get all the attention, but there's lots of supporting roles, in addition to all the backstage people and people working in the theatre that help make it all happen.

 

[Judge]

I never cared for social rituals or conventions. Relationships mattered to me, but the institution of marriage never has. Though in hindsight I can only consider one relationship that might have lead to marriage. And likely divorce, given she's on husband number three at the moment.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

If your real interest is in throwing a wedding, have you considered getting a job (or second job) at a place that does wedding related stuff, like a banquet hall? Or perhaps you could become an officiant or marriage commissioner?

Think of weddings like a play - sure, the stars get all the attention, but there's lots of supporting roles, in addition to all the backstage people and people working in the theatre that help make it all happen.

That would be pretty heartbreaking.

I need a wedding where I’m the star of the show and I’m the center of attention and it’s all about me with all eyes on me. I want to DJ my own music and give a speech gloating about how great I am and how I won by finally getting married.

 

[Tom]

That would be pretty heartbreaking.

I need a wedding where I’m the star of the show and I’m the center of attention and it’s all about me with all eyes on me. I want to DJ my own music and give a speech gloating about how great I am and how I won by finally getting married.

Are you serious?

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Are you serious?

100% serious.

 

[VictorR]

That would be pretty heartbreaking.

I need a wedding where I’m the star of the show and I’m the center of attention and it’s all about me with all eyes on me. I want to DJ my own music and give a speech gloating about how great I am and how I won by finally getting married.

100% serious.

In that case...

1. Save up a bunch of money
2. Use said money to stage a mock wedding (e.g. hiring people to play various roles, including guests who will give you their full attention and enthusiastic applause no matter what you say/do, because that's what they were paid to do)

 

[BewilderedPerson]

In that case...

1. Save up a bunch of money
2. Use said money to stage a mock wedding (e.g. hiring people to play various roles, including guests who will give you their full attention and enthuiastic appaluase no matter what you say/do, because that's what they were paid to do)

That sounds like a plan, have considered possibly in the future hiring an actress to my bride.