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I’m desperate to get married

BewilderedPerson said:
Am I a bad person, per se, if I am indeed looking for a solution to my problem? That I don’t care what the basis of the relationship is, that I don’t care if we love each other or not, all so I can have a wedding I can’t stop idealizing about and have to have?
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It seems as though you are conflating two things. A celebration where you are the star and center of attention, and a loving relationship where two people have decided to celebrate their decision to be partners in life.

It just sounds like you want a wedding (party), not actually a marriage (a long-term commitment based on substance and close connection with another human being).
 
Rodafina said:
It seems as though you are conflating two things. A celebration where you are the star and center of attention, and a loving relationship where two people have decided to celebrate their decision to be partners in life.

It just sounds like you want a wedding (party), not actually a marriage (a long-term commitment based on substance and close connection with another human being).
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I don’t not want a marriage. I would like that, but I need a special day where it’s all about me.

The problem is, I’ve got a small family and my loved ones think there’s no one to invite to a party that I’ve wanted. I don’t have many friends, and my dating success, while I guess it’s better than some other men have had with women, it hasn’t been ideal.
 
Just want to mention to a lot of the people here who are longing to have long term relationships and get married. (I happen to be one of them). Please know that long term relationships and marriage is A LOT OF WORK, even if you are totally in love with the other person. Love alone is not enough to make a relationship a success. I think everyone is guilty of "falling in love with the IDEA of love", yearning for the ideal mate, etc. But, beware of this, in the real world, where relationships happen, this is a setup for disaster. In order for a relationship to really work, we need to fall in love with people for who they really are, and not superimpose our expectations onto them and the relationship. I am sure a lot of the people who are in successful relationships could fill us in on what kind of work it is. I think we need to take that into consideration, and think about what we are willing/ able to contribute to a relationship. It is not all about our needs and desires, it is about the needs and desires of the other person as well.
 
BewilderedPerson said:
I think the first instance, we were both accepting, age of my diagnosis, me of some physical health problems where it was hard for her to walk by herself.

I definitely saw some shared values and interests in both women I’ve seen romantically. Or they didn’t mind some of my interests and enjoyed them. My interests can be very niche, and not everyone, let alone women, will appreciate them.

Sometimes, I myself have turned women down who were interested in me because I found out they liked trump and voted for trump - I realize politics is a sensitive topic on this forum, but honestly, that will repel me from any woman, even if you were a supermodel gushing over me for some odd reason.
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As long as interests harmonize, that is a good thing. We support each other in pursuing interests. She loves designing things but is afraid of power tools so I build things for her in my shop. She does not like my little MR2 but encourages me to take it out on track days. Mutual support is important.

BTW, It looks like you have much to offer a companion.
Luca said:
This topic is especially relevant because I just watched a YouTube video earlier tonight about weddings gone wrong, and I was really horrified and disheartened by how many people marry people they don't actually love, or that they have animosity towards. I also learned what a "shut up ring" is, and it's really sad that these types of relationships still exist today, and not only that but they are common and treated as normal.

I'm not saying "don't get married," I'm just throwing this out there as a bit of information for anyone who has intrusive thoughts about marriage (I also used to.) You want to make sure you marry someone who you genuinely want to be with, not because it's a solution to a problem.
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I feel lucky that we did not fall into those traps. Both of us were fiercely independent, but lonely. I think we saw in each other a person we could grow with, who we could learn from, who added an additional dimension to enjoying life and provided the emotional support that had been lacking. I am profoundly happy to have her in my life.
 
Marriage is wonderful, but one of the things that is frustrating about marriage is that you don't get to decide every single thing that happens in your household

For instance before I was married if the sounds in the house got too loud, I was the only one there, so I could shut everything off and go hide underneath a bunch of blankets... And nobody would bother me because nobody was there

If I wanted to sit in a shower for an hour and just lay there it could and nobody would bother me and nobody told me not to because it was just me

But, despite all the things you give up in order to have a life of somebody else, it is extremely fulfilling, and it is good to love somebody and be loved

I think by and large we're all really called to marriage, and there's some of us who simply won't feel complete until it's done
 
BewilderedPerson said:
Am I a bad person, per se, if I am indeed looking for a solution to my problem? That I don’t care what the basis of the relationship is, that I don’t care if we love each other or not, all so I can have a wedding I can’t stop idealizing about and have to have?
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You’re not a bad person. You just need to make sure you really love the person you marry because otherwise it won’t work out and you’ll be back to square one, plus you will both be hurting.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
As long as interests harmonize, that is a good thing. We support each other in pursuing interests. She loves designing things but is afraid of power tools so I build things for her in my shop. She does not like my little MR2 but encourages me to take it out on track days. Mutual support is important.

BTW, It looks like you have much to offer a companion.

I feel lucky that we did not fall into those traps. Both of us were fiercely independent, but lonely. I think we saw in each other a person we could grow with, who we could learn from, who added an additional dimension to enjoying life and provided the emotional support that had been lacking. I am profoundly happy to have her in my life.
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Well, maybe I do have much to offer someone, but let me compare it to my current job. I was turned down twice by my current employer, the second time I was passed over for somebody who was a bad fit, disliked by colleagues and the community and didn’t even last a month in the position. I finally got the job my third time applying. I’m going on four years in my current role, well-liked and respected by many I work with and my superiors think highly of me, too.

My point being, what good is my worth if others won’t give me the chance to prove it?
 
undertheradar said:
Marriage is wonderful, but one of the things that is frustrating about marriage is that you don't get to decide every single thing that happens in your household

For instance before I was married if the sounds in the house got too loud, I was the only one there, so I could shut everything off and go hide underneath a bunch of blankets... And nobody would bother me because nobody was there

If I wanted to sit in a shower for an hour and just lay there it could and nobody would bother me and nobody told me not to because it was just me

But, despite all the things you give up in order to have a life of somebody else, it is extremely fulfilling, and it is good to love somebody and be loved

I think by and large we're all really called to marriage, and there's some of us who simply won't feel complete until it's done
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In the little dating and romantic experience I’ve had, I was fine with my partner deciding stuff.

I don’t even mind if I ever find a wife and she decides on a lot of things, just want the wedding day to be mine.

If I won the lottery, and I married someone, I’d make it up to them in many other ways and let them make decisions on things, so long as I had the wedding done my way.
 
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Luca said:
You’re not a bad person. You just need to make sure you really love the person you marry because otherwise it won’t work out and you’ll be back to square one, plus you will both be hurting.
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The problem is, the women I truly fell hard for, never gave me the time of day, while the women I was actually with were great and I loved them, too, just that have quite as intense of feelings as I had for others, but maybe those were just infatuations.
 
If being the center character in front of a lot of people matters that much, just go do stand up night at a comedy venue, or go to karaoke nite every week until you get it out of your system. Getting married is really a celebration of the union of two people, and starting them off with luck, gifts, good food, entertainment, (not just you only). I am not putting you down, l am sure you are great person, and will command the floor. But getting married, is about committing yourself to your spouse and sharing in decisions. If your spouse says that's fine, run with it, everything is great. But they may wish to make some choices, so maybe you chat about what matters to who,and decide who decides on what. Like l get the floor, make the speech. You decide on the type food and entertainment. I decide on if we will do a impromptu couple dance. Those are very popular by the way. Good luck with everything. But l could see a whole storyline with your statement and find this post quite interesting.
 
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Aspychata said:
If being the center character in front of a lot of people matters that much, just go do stand up night at a comedy venue, or go to karaoke nite every week until you get it out of your system. Getting married is really a celebration of the union of two people, and starting them off with luck, gifts, good food, entertainment, (not just you only). I am not putting you down, l am sure you are great person, and will command the floor. But getting married, is about committing yourself to your spouse and sharing in decisions. If your spouse says that's fine, run with it, everything is great. But they may wish to make some choices, so maybe you chat about what matters to who,and decide who decides on what. Like l get the floor, make the speech. You decide on the type food and entertainment. I decide on if we will do a impromptu couple dance. Those are very popular by the way. Good luck with eveeverything. But l could see a whole storyline with your statement and find this post quite interesting.
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For me, it’s mostly about the music. She can have whatever dress she wants, any cake she wants, any food, so long as there’s also a vegetarian option, that’s fine. I’m also fine with her decorating how she wants.

But I want to be the DJ, I want to talk, I know what song I’d want our first dance to be, I know what song I’d want to have the mother-son dance be and I know what music I want her to walk down the aisle to. And I know what I want to get married in, as it’s certainly atypical.

Thank you on the well wishes.

I’m not very funny or a great singer and can’t do improv or stand-up that well, lol.

I’m actually not much of a people person and pretty introverted, which doesn’t make sense given that I want this wedding I keep idealizing about this much, but I can really be at peace by having it.
 
BewilderedPerson said:
Well, maybe I do have much to offer someone, but let me compare it to my current job. I was turned down twice by my current employer, the second time I was passed over for somebody who was a bad fit, disliked by colleagues and the community and didn’t even last a month in the position. I finally got the job my third time applying. I’m going on four years in my current role, well-liked and respected by many I work with and my superiors think highly of me, too.

My point being, what good is my worth if others won’t give me the chance to prove it?
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I think I have said previously that I was working very hard to gain skills in a career and live independently to be financially secure and that did not seem to be noticed until it was by the right person.

What eventually worked in meeting my future spouse was engaging with her in a common interest. We both had signed up for a Sierra Club trail maintenance project and I called her to see about carpooling to the trip. I called her only expecting nothing to come of it, but we both desired to find somebody interested in outdoor activities.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
I think I have said previously that I was working very hard to gain skills in a career and live independently to be financially secure and that did not seem to be noticed until it was by the right person.

What eventually worked in meeting my future spouse was engaging with her in a common interest. We both had signed up for a Sierra Club trail maintenance project and I called her to see about carpooling to the trip. I called her only expecting nothing to come of it, but we both desired to find somebody interested in outdoor activities.
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Good news is I’m talking with somebody on Hiki who I feel I have some common interests with and we seem to enjoy talking to each other.

The bad news is, we live many states away, I wish she was closer.
 
BewilderedPerson said:
Good news is I’m talking with somebody on Hiki who I feel I have some common interests with and we seem to enjoy talking to each other.

The bad news is, we live many states away, I wish she was closer.
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That is very nice. I hope you can have a happy and satisfying relationship.

My future spouse and I had become friends before we met IRL. We lived over 300 miles apart, and for 5 months we made dating work even going on short trips. Our relationship was so positive that I moved to Chicago before I had secured a job there. One year to the day we met we were married in a simple ceremony at the courthouse. True to our interests we honeymooned by backpacking in the Never Summer range of Rocky Mountain National Park. Our last night was spent at the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park. There was a wonderful large claw-foot bathtub and we scoured the town for bubble bath with no luck but instead got a bottle of dish soap and had a good soak together after a week of backcountry camping. 44 years later we still adventure. It has been work for sure, but has been rewarding.

A caution. I have seen too many people go all out on a wedding, thinking that it is the culmination of something and not thinking of all the work that a married relationship takes, only to be divorced one to two years down the road. There will be a significant investment in each other that even NTs stumble over, especially when there is a mismatch between values, personalities, and interests.
 
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Er... the chance to be the center of attention is not a good reason to get married.

As someone mentioned, try stand up comedy or improv if you want people to look at you.

Getting married is making a life commitment to another human being. The wedding is basically just a party - that's it.
 
BewilderedPerson said:
That would be pretty heartbreaking.

I need a wedding where I’m the star of the show and I’m the center of attention and it’s all about me with all eyes on me. I want to DJ my own music and give a speech gloating about how great I am and how I won by finally getting married.
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That is the most effin' immature thing I have heard about what a wedding is about. By that time you haven't won at anything because there is a lot of hard work ahead of you in making a marriage a success.

stupid.jpg
 
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