I’m desperate to get married

[BewilderedPerson]

It took me 10 years after I asked a girl out to get my first girlfriend, we lasted four months.

I then went four years until I got my second romance. We saw each other for about a month.

And that’s the extent of my experience, for the most part, didn’t even go on a date until the time I nearly graduated college, went on a string of one-time dates and they made excuses to leave and not see me again.

I had three dates with someone in late 2014. She was my first kiss. We never became a couple, though.

I’ve had my dates that I go on, been on two this year, a few last year, a couple kisses in late 2021, but nothing since my last romance in early 2021.

I cry when I see couples get engaged. Nobody wants to set me up, or they say they will and don’t follow through. I can’t imagine how many women have turned me down, ignored me, ghosted me, etc. Some has canceled the day of or the night before.

My lack of success with women makes me hate myself, and I want a wedding in the worst way possible. I even once attempted suicide over someone.

So, I’m asking if you’ll only keep comments positive and encouraging, no negative feedback, please.

I feel like it’s too late for me, I’m in my early thirties. I feel too old to get married and I’ve often felt like I’m the only person in the world with this problem. I’ve cried an endless amount of tears through the years over this.

So, do you think I can meet anybody? Is there hope for me? If so, when, and where can I meet her?

Thank you all.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Of course where there is life, there is hope. What have you learned from your dissapointments? Did you have shared values and interests? Were both of you accepting people? I had nearly given up hope but at 28 met a woman who wanted to meet a man to do outdoor activities with and i desired to meet a woman who likes outdoor activities. I met her as we carpooled to a national Sierra Club trip: not exactly the place to meet women. And she was very accepting of me. It has been a great ride for 45 years now: we have traveled, hiked wilderness areas, kayaked in the Pacific, in the sea of Cortez, in Glacier Bay, run whitewater rivers, SCUBA dove around the world, and enjoy the theater.

Concentrate on temperment, values and interests and things will fall in place. Plus, understand that you need to bring concrete material benefits to the relationship. I failed socially because I studied and developed my skills to provide the security of a decent career and an independent life. But that didn't seem to help me until it finally did with the right person.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I fully believed I would live and die alone. I accepted that, and didn't even try the dating thing. When we were both 39, I met my future wife. I wasn't looking for a relationship, but we found we had so much in common, and after 6 months we decided to get married. The circumstances surrounding our meeting and things that happened during the next 6 months were so improbable that it seemed like God was trying to get my attention to realize she was right for me and vice versa. She had been married before and had a 14 year old son (that almost scared me off till I met him). When we married, we were both 40. I was literally a 40 year old virgin. (Haven't seen the movie though).
So yes, I would say there's hope. I wasn't even looking when we met!

 

[Rogue Princess]

I wanted to get married. I learnt the hard truth that not being able to have children meant no man would want to do that with me though. Most my ex boyfriends get embarrassed going out in public with me too. I'm usually just the booty call. (There have been a couple of exceptions).

I cry when I see pretty wedding dresses

I just don't get that kind of life. It's like I'm not allowed.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I'm usually just the booty call.

What does this mean? I've honestly never heard the expression before and am wondering if it is a New Zealand thing.

 

[Rogue Princess]

What does this mean? I've honestly never heard the expression before and am wondering if it is a New Zealand thing.

People just want to use my body for sexual pleasure.

Wham, bam, thank you mam. Is another expression meaning the same thing

 

[Outdated]

What does this mean? I've honestly never heard the expression before and am wondering if it is a New Zealand thing.

It's an Americanism from the 90s. Someone you have sex with but don't go out with. There's different variations on it. I was in a sort of relationship for 4 years as a Trusted Safe Sex partner.

We never had anything to do with each other socially, just once or twice a week I'd come home and find her waiting in my bed for me. She'd get up and go home again once she was satisfied.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I wanted to get married. I learnt the hard truth that not being able to have children meant no man would want to do that with me though. Most my ex boyfriends get embarrassed going out in public with me too. I'm usually just the booty call. (There have been a couple of exceptions).

I cry when I see pretty wedding dresses

I just don't get that kind of life. It's like I'm not allowed.

Not every man wants to have children. I certainly don't, and whilst it's a minority in the population, there will be others out there too.

Ed

 

[Rogue Princess]

Not every man wants to have children. I certainly don't, and whilst it's a minority in the population, there will be others out there too.

Ed

Yes, but it seems the main motivation to get married is to have that stability for raising children. People do it to start a family... and not the fish and cats kind of family I want...

 

[Raggamuffin]

But again, it's not everyone. And assuming it is isn't helpful.

Ed

 

[Rogue Princess]

But again, it's not everyone. And assuming it is isn't helpful.

Ed

Being realistic is more helpful for me than hoping on a dream.

Why would you want to give me hopeless hope? It's cruel

 

[Outdated]

I don't understand why people feel the need to get married a lot of the time. When my sister met the man of her dreams she had 2 kids and he had 3 and they sort of turned in to a parody of The Brady Bunch.

They did eventually get married many years later but that was a private affair between the two of them in a resort in Queensland, and no family were invited. They were married by a celebrant and they had the resort manager and one of the cleaning ladies stand in as witnesses.

 

[Bolletje]

@BewilderedPerson why is it so important for you to get married?

 

[Luca]

This topic is especially relevant because I just watched a YouTube video earlier tonight about weddings gone wrong, and I was really horrified and disheartened by how many people marry people they don't actually love, or that they have animosity towards. I also learned what a "shut up ring" is, and it's really sad that these types of relationships still exist today, and not only that but they are common and treated as normal.

I'm not saying "don't get married," I'm just throwing this out there as a bit of information for anyone who has intrusive thoughts about marriage (I also used to.) You want to make sure you marry someone who you genuinely want to be with, not because it's a solution to a problem.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

What does this mean? I've honestly never heard the expression before and am wondering if it is a New Zealand thing.

It means calling someone for sex. I'm pretty sure it's American. The term has been around since at least the 90s.

 

[VictorR]

Yes, but it seems the main motivation to get married is to have that stability for raising children. People do it to start a family... and not the fish and cats kind of family I want...

Can you (or anyone) kindly explain what a "fish and cats kind of family" means? I've not sure I understand.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Can you (or anyone) kindly explain what a "fish and cats kind of family" means? I've not sure I understand.

It means having pets, but not children.

Lots of reasons to get married, though, and many admirable. Still, it is not the answer many want it to be.

"The institution of marriage obstinately maintains the belief that love, though a passion, is yet capable of endurance; indeed, that enduring, lifelong love can be established as the rule." - Friedrich Nietzsche (trans. by R.J. Hollingdale)

 

[Rogue Princess]

Can you (or anyone) kindly explain what a "fish and cats kind of family" means? I've not sure I understand.

That would be an interesting expression if it was one. Lol. Could be cockney rhyming slang, haha.

Yes, I was talking about adopting pets with a significant other rather than having children. And I have a love for fish and cats.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I can’t imagine how many women have turned me down, ignored me, ghosted me, etc. Some has canceled the day of or the night before.

My lack of success with women makes me hate myself, and I want a wedding in the worst way possible. I even once attempted suicide over someone.

So, I’m asking if you’ll only keep comments positive and encouraging, no negative feedback, please.

So, do you think I can meet anybody? Is there hope for me? If so, when, and where can I meet her?

Thank you all.

Not too long ago someone was expressing their frustration around this topic, as well. I copied and pasted this. The context here was a male seeking a female partner, but I think it applies in all situations.

Honest questions and brutally hard answers:

What are you going to bring to the relationship? The cultural reality is that you have to be offering something that is attractive to a potential partner, and I don't mean handsome, good looks. Some females value a certain lifestyle. Are you able to provide financially? Some value someone who is in peaceful control of himself, but also quite capable mentally and physically, the so-called "warrior in a garden", the calm, stoic, dominant, alpha, not the emotional, insecure, beta. (Many women have learned the hard way that men who are emotional and insecure are THE most dangerous males to be around, both mentally and physically). Some value someone who has ambition, goals, and plans with a positive outlook on life. Are you on a path towards something better? Some are looking for someone with a good moral compass. Some are looking for characteristics associated with being a loving, supportive, life partner and father. Some are looking for a specific combination of these characteristics.

If the situation were flipped, a female looking for a male partner, why would they pick you over someone else? If you don't have an honest answer, then that is why you are single. If so, what do you have to do to make yourself more "marketable"?

I sometimes joke that human beings are "three hairs from being baboons", that only about 2% of DNA separates us from chimpanzees. There's a lot of primitive hard-wiring in us. We do have to compete for mates.

Honest questions and brutally hard answers.

I don't think this was the warm, fuzzy, supportive, and validating response you wanted to hear, but perhaps the response you needed to hear. As I suggested, above, ask yourself, "Of all the "fish in the sea" out there, why would anyone pick me?" If you can't come up with an honest answer yourself, then that's why you're single. Then, constructively speaking, what are you going to do about it?

 

[Sasha22]

I feel like it’s too late for me, I’m in my early thirties. I feel too old to get married and I’ve often felt like I’m the only person in the world with this problem.

This is a case where feeling is definitely not fact, as you're definitely not alone with this issue.

Maybe you could spot a person you admire and look at what you think you'd have to change about yourself to be a match.