I can move on with my life...

[PollyAne]

The situation was like this: due to pandemics and distance, we broke up with my boyfriend. When we returned to college, we decided to see how our relations would go. We didn't get back together but we spent a lot of time together, acting like couple without making it official and everything was great. But I didn't know that my best friend was in love with my boyfriend. When a girl in our group jealous of my GPA spilled lies about me, my "best friend" said she was on my side but stopped talking to me. Then, when the jealous girl found out confidential things about my relationship (my feelings and situations that were true) from my "best friend", she told my boyfriend that and he broke off contact with me. I know that he also behaved badly, but I have the impression that he did it out of fear that I would turn out to be a manipulator and he preferred to step away just in case. He thinks that by not talking to me "he wasn't doing a drama" and I was doing it when I was trying to talk.

I don't know what to do because they seem happy even though most people say they aren't. By showing me their happiness, they make me sad, but when I find out that they are not doing well at all, I hope that he will come back to me, which also makes me sad. I tried to find someone else, but more and more I realize that I am not able to fall in love with anyone else. Do you have an idea what to do in such a situation?

Thanks to the support of you all, my family, friends and the therapist, I feel much better. The problem is that although I shouldn't have to see them anymore since May, they still appear everywhere. I will not mention everything but two most important situations.

My ex had his graduation exam the same day as my friend, so my friend and I went out to support her and I met him. And even though my ex and my ex-best friend are so happy together, she didn't come to support him. And it's not like she's working or anything because she's rich, so it's just a choice whether to watch Netflix today or support a boyfriend? However, when my ex saw me and my friend, it was not that he did not say hello to me, but also to him. Then, when I had the exams and my ex-best-friend, he came in but didn't enter the classroom (the exams was open to everyone to watch). Probably just to show me like always what I lost, what a great boyfriend he is and I'm trash. He even went to my friend (whom he doesn't like), he congratulated him on his award and he didn't say hello to me, even though I said hello to him.

Now, as part of the graduation celebration, we had trip with friends to Berlin. And as far as I knew, my ex-best friend had only plans to stay at home and a 2-weeks trip with her parents. Generally, I have their stories and posts muted on Instagram, but recently it seemed to me that I met them, so I wanted to check if it was really them, and she put something on the story. I didn't want to watch so that they wouldn't see that I saw. However, I saw that she added a highlighted story and she never had anything there and I thought that I wouldnt be listed on view list. That's why I opened it and it turned out that she is in Bulgaria. I thought that she is there with parents. The next day I entered the highlighted stories again (thinking they wouldn't notice that I was viewing) but there were new stories there (so they saw it) and it turned out that they had their photo there hald-naked on the beach. They went to his parents' house in Bulgaria because we were in Berlin. Apart from that, for 8 days she was posting only pictures of food, beaches and buildings, and suddenly she saw that I was looking at her photos and the next day she posted a picture with him. Who does that?

I would also like to add that 2 weeks before submitting my diploma thesis, someone posted my thesis on the Internet. Only people from my graduation group, i.e. my ex-bestfriend, had access to it. At the police, I had to provide a list of suspects, i.e. people who have access to it and former partners who harbor hatred. I reported it, but after talking to my father and friends, we came to the conclusion that it would be worth warning him about it because his father is conservative and likes to abuse him. I warned him that if he had been summoned, he would not come with his father. What did he do? He was trying to make a fool of me that "you think we don't have better things to do?" even though a month ago they had lied about me to a guy I barely know. xD I don't even know if it was him, and I wasn't accusing him. I just suggested that if he got a summons, he wouldn't go there with his father. This was before graduation exam.

I don't know what to do because I can't find another person who would like me like my ex but he is never going to change. I think that from the beginning I knew that he was toxic, but he was also attracted to me and then he stopped limiting himself. What hurts me the most is that he does great things with my ex-best friend that he hasn't done with me. And I have the impression that I want to believe in the "conspiracy theory" that he does everything to spite me because it is easier than believing that I let myself be used. Forgiving yourself for something like this is unimaginably difficult.

 

[Aspychata]

I can't even get past the part somebody posted your thesis on the internet. What kind of world do we live in?

 

[Tom]

It's a good thing you didn't go to Bulgaria. They probably just needed someone to sacrifice for the harvest.

But please refresh my memory. This is connected to autism how?

 

[PollyAne]

View attachment 82609

It's a good thing you didn't go to Bulgaria. They probably just needed someone to sacrifice for the harvest.

But please refresh my memory. This is connected to autism how?

Because I have asperger, and everything with my life is connected to it.

 

[PollyAne]

I can't even get past the part somebody posted your thesis on the internet. What kind of world do we live in?

But I am the problem, not them. xD
But seriously, who does such things and thinks they're a good person? xD

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You must forgive yourself! I am now learning to forgive myself for my actions that led to trauma I felt. What you have experienced is like trauma where you find yourself in a negative situation that you feel powerless to change. In such a situation you tell yourself lies

I can't find another person who would like me like my ex

I think you know that is not right. Back when, I imagined that I could love near any woman who had the values and interests I desired. Meeting my future spouse, she was that and accepting of me, too. It was so unexpected. Between the time I felt isolated to that moment, I had to do a lot of work on myself. Ignoring the lies I told myself and rewriting my inner dialogue to be more positive and social, was necessary.

Please do not tell yourself negative messages. You have value, you are intelligent, and you exhibit agency. You are your own person. The researcher that I was would have counted himself lucky to meet somebody like you.

Obtain counseling if you can. You will persevere, so I hope you can forget that little man-boy.

 

[PollyAne]

View attachment 82609

It's a good thing you didn't go to Bulgaria. They probably just needed someone to sacrifice for the harvest.

But please refresh my memory. This is connected to autism how?

Referring to both comments, at romantic relationship and in friendship with these people, I have always been accused that is always my fault because I have an asperger. For example, (a completely made-up situation), if we were to argue whether killing for fun is good or bad, I would think it was bad and they that is good, I would be wrong anyway because I have an aspeger. Even though everyone knows it's wrong. And whenever I asked neurotypical people if they would act like my ex and ex-bff, they would say that they would do what I done. Even when I switched opinions to be sure they are not biased, they still thought that their behavior/opinion (they thought that it was mine) was wrong. So since neutotypical family members and friends would always do what I did. And they were not biased because by reversing the stories they defended the good side (which they did not know is really mine) should it mean something? That they are one with problem?

 

[PollyAne]

You must forgive yourself! I am now learning to forgive myself for my actions that led to trauma I felt. What you have experienced is like trauma where you find yourself in a negative situation that you feel powerless to change. In such a situation you tell yourself lies

I think you know that is not right. Back when, I imagined that I could love near any woman who had the values and interests I desired. Meeting my future spouse, she was that and accepting of me, too. It was so unexpected. Between the time I felt isolated to that moment, I had to do a lot of work on myself. Ignoring the lies I told myself and rewriting my inner dialogue to be more positive and social, was necessary.

Please do not tell yourself negative messages. You have value, you are intelligent, and you exhibit agency. You are your own person. The researcher that I was would have counted himself lucky to meet somebody like you.

Obtain counseling if you can. You will persevere, so I hope you can forget that little man-boy.

Thanks for feedback but I forgive him. However, it pains me that life has not yet verified him. He acted terrible but he has daddy's money, he is hired by his parents' friends, he has a girlfriend and they look happy on exclusive vaccation. I thought his internal ugliness would come to light sooner or later, but still nothing. Besides, my ex-bestie is the only one of those bastards from my ex, whoi is still friends with me on FB and follow me on IG (my ex only stalked me on IG). She's always been such a flower child, stoned, and utterly carefree. But she must be ****ed up very hard that she really believes she's a good person and hasn't done anything wrong?

I sincerely wish him luck and good riddance, but why her? I thought that as a narcissist he would quickly discover that she was not perfect either but still nothing.

Please do not tell yourself negative messages. You have value, you are intelligent, and you exhibit agency. You are your own person. The researcher that I was would have counted himself lucky to meet somebody like you.

I try to believe that I will find someone better, but I think more and more that maybe I could have stayed in a relationship with him when he abuse me because at least he was not ugly and thanks to his rich parents we would have a safe future.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I try to believe that I will find someone better, but I think more and more that maybe I could have stayed in a relationship with him when he abuse me because at least he was not ugly and thanks to his rich parents we would have a safe future.

Consider what you have been through as a life lesson. You WILL meet somebody who will be accepting and value you. Also, consider the difference between potential and present circumstance. From his behavior and despite rich parents, having a "safe" future is not guranteed. I think he does not have a true inner compass, he has a wind sock instead. Learn to recognize potential and acceptance. When people show you who they are, believe them, and both of those you mention seem shallow to me.

My future spouse took a chance on me. When we met I was not earning much in research, living in a working class community and drove a Gremlin. But I had wide ranging interests, enjoyed the activities that she really liked, was constantly improving myself, and unafraid of change (at least externally, sometimes having a lot of anxiety, but managed to push through). We were friends first and began our relationship with an intense road trip and I was astounded that she accepted me sexually after my past experiences. Our relationship gave me confidence to move from Detroit to Chicago without a job. We both worked hard to support each other, continued to have adventures, and now have a comfortable life. We are not posh, our vacations revolve around activities and we have had amazing experiences. I am still in love with her and despite our ageing and waning libidos, we still act to show each other that we are desirable. Plus, we have learned to be kind to each other in stressful situations.

I wish the best for you and hope your future relationships will be happy and satisfying and you will find a partner that values you deeply.

 

[PollyAne]

Consider what you have been through as a life lesson. You WILL meet somebody who will be accepting and value you. Also, consider the difference between potential and present circumstance. From his behavior and despite rich parents, having a "safe" future is not guranteed. I think he does not have a true inner compass, he has a wind sock instead. Learn to recognize potential and acceptance. When people show you who they are, believe them, and both of those you mention seem shallow to me.

My future spouse took a chance on me. When we met I was not earning much in research, living in a working class community and drove a Gremlin. But I had wide ranging interests, enjoyed the activities that she really liked, was constantly improving myself, and unafraid of change (at least externally, sometimes having a lot of anxiety, but managed to push through). We were friends first and began our relationship with an intense road trip and I was astounded that she accepted me sexually after my past experiences. Our relationship gave me confidence to move from Detroit to Chicago without a job. We both worked hard to support each other, continued to have adventures, and now have a comfortable life. We are not posh, our vacations revolve around activities and we have had amazing experiences. I am still in love with her and despite our ageing and waning libidos, we still act to show each other that we are desirable. Plus, we have learned to be kind to each other in stressful situations.

I wish the best for you and hope your future relationships will be happy and satisfying and you will find a partner that values you deeply.

Thank you. However, I must admit that I wasn't quite fair either. Sometimes I misunderstand the situation because I thought that if he says that he loves it, he will show it in the same way. And sometimes he showed more, sometimes less, sometimes not at all. He could ignore me at the university or answer simple small talk questions rudely, but maybe if I cared more, he would open up more?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

but maybe if I cared more, he would open up more?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. If he gave you that impression, he is a user. He wanted you emotionally dependent upon him. His manipulation of you I find cruel and unethical. Somebody accepting of you who has good values would only support you and your well being as an independent person. He would celebrate your Thesis Defense. Your caring about him to think that it will make a difference in his behavior was a cage of your own forging. Free Yourself!!! Start appreciating your interests and understand they make you an interesting person. Like yourself, and when you are triggered by what you see as reminders, get ready with a positive message about yourself.
An example: When I am triggered back to a time, when lonely, and a lie I told myself was "Women Never Notice(d) me," I can think back at times that they did, but until I understood social communication and body language, I was blind to interest. But, after improving myself I understood that my future spouse noticed me in an unambiguous way. That memory lets me understand just how far from the past me I have come.

I have been doing that with all my old lies using Cognitive Processing Therapy. Telling you that lie of mine would normally trigger me into anger: Now, only a small twinge of anxiety.

I hope that you will see yourself as a strong woman deserving of acceptance and respect. There are good men out there. You won't find them in bars, usually. They will be active, pursuing their interests. They may be shy.

 

[PollyAne]

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. If he gave you that impression, he is a user. He wanted you emotionally dependent upon him. His manipulation of you I find cruel and unethical. Somebody accepting of you who has good values would only support you and your well being as an independent person. He would celebrate your Thesis Defense. Your caring about him to think that it will make a difference in his behavior was a cage of your own forging. Free Yourself!!! Start appreciating your interests and understand they make you an interesting person. Like yourself, and when you are triggered by what you see as reminders, get ready with a positive message about yourself.
An example: When I am triggered back to a time, when lonely, and a lie I told myself was "Women Never Notice(d) me," I can think back at times that they did, but until I understood social communication and body language, I was blind to interest. But, after improving myself I understood that my future spouse noticed me in an unambiguous way. That memory lets me understand just how far from the past me I have come.

I have been doing that with all my old lies using Cognitive Processing Therapy. Telling you that lie of mine would normally trigger me into anger: Now, only a small twinge of anxiety.

I hope that you will see yourself as a strong woman deserving of acceptance and respect. There are good men out there. You won't find them in bars, usually. They will be active, pursuing their interests. They may be shy.

Thank you, your support is very helping. You're right.

Somebody accepting of you who has good values would only support you and your well being as an independent person

I don't deny his manipulation and bad behavior, but I also didn't accept him and tried to change him. Maybe I should find peace in the fact that the person I love is happy and not look at whether he deserved it or not? Maybe it will help me move on with my life.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thank you, your support is very helping. You're right.

I don't deny his manipulation and bad behavior, but I also didn't accept him and tried to change him. Maybe I should find peace in the fact that the person I love is happy and not look at whether he deserved it or not? Maybe it will help me move on with my life.

I think you are premature about that happiness thing. Eventually people like that drop their pretense. If your ex bestie is a ditz as you imply, perhaps he is grooming her as somebody vulnerable to become dependent upon him and open to abuse. Honestly, celebrate escape from what may have been a close call. I leave you with Katzenjammer.

 

[PollyAne]

I think you are premature about that happiness thing. Eventually people like that drop their

Maybe, but it is none of my business anymore.

If your ex bestie is a ditz as you imply, perhaps he is grooming her as somebody vulnerable to become dependent and open to abuse.

I don't think she is ditz. I just think that she is a flower child who thinks what has to be will be and don't care about anything. He was always pissed off when I expected him to act like a boyfriend and care more, and he thought that "no one has the right to force him to anything" but he should have wanted as my boyfriend because he chose me. Nevertheless, maybe it suits him that she does not require anything from him. He can see her rarely, do what he wants, use her and that's why he believes that she loves him more than I was.

 

[PollyAne]

Honestly, celebrate what may have been a close call. I leave you with Katzenjammer.

Thank you I will

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thank you I will

May you have a life blessed with happiness, and just enough struggle so that you know its value.

(Added) You said:
he thought that "no one has the right to force him to anything" but he should have wanted as my boyfriend because he chose me. Nevertheless, maybe it suits him that she does not require anything from him. He can see her rarely, do what he wants, use her and that's why he believes that she loves him more than I was.
Your expectation of what is normal in a relationship is reasonable. There is mutual responsibility within a relationship and from what you describe he takes and expects his partner to give, and does not reciprocate. You are fortunate to see that now.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Consider what you have been through as a life lesson. You WILL meet somebody who will be accepting and value you. Also, consider the difference between potential and present circumstance. From his behavior and despite rich parents, having a "safe" future is not guranteed. I think he does not have a true inner compass, he has a wind sock instead. Learn to recognize potential and acceptance. When people show you who they are, believe them, and both of those you mention seem shallow to me.

My future spouse took a chance on me. When we met I was not earning much in research, living in a working class community and drove a Gremlin. But I had wide ranging interests, enjoyed the activities that she really liked, was constantly improving myself, and unafraid of change (at least externally, sometimes having a lot of anxiety, but managed to push through). We were friends first and began our relationship with an intense road trip and I was astounded that she accepted me sexually after my past experiences. Our relationship gave me confidence to move from Detroit to Chicago without a job. We both worked hard to support each other, continued to have adventures, and now have a comfortable life. We are not posh, our vacations revolve around activities and we have had amazing experiences. I am still in love with her and despite our ageing and waning libidos, we still act to show each other that we are desirable. Plus, we have learned to be kind to each other in stressful situations.

I wish the best for you and hope your future relationships will be happy and satisfying and you will find a partner that values you deeply.

Wow my first car was also a gremlin. Great advice, a relationship should be of mutual respect.

 

[PollyAne]

Your expectation of what is normal in a relationship is reasonable. There is mutual responsibility within a relationship and from what you describe he takes and expects his partner to give, and does not reciprocate. You are fortunate to see that now

I know and as I said I started focusing on my happiness and moving forward.
However, I need to ask, if he is such a narcissist as he seems then why is it seemingly possible for him to act like a human being for her? I've had relationships where someone loved their new partner more than me. This is normal. However, the respect and support were on the same level. It just did not work out, and with the new one it did. However, here I have the impression that we are not even treated the same. My ex-bestie is treated better than me before and he is surprised that nothing bothers her like me. xD

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I know and as I said I started focusing on my happiness and moving forward.
However, I need to ask, if he is such a narcissist as he seems then why is it seemingly possible for him to act like a human being for her? I've had relationships where someone loved their new partner more than me. This is normal. However, the respect and support were on the same level. It just did not work out, and with the new one it did. However, here I have the impression that we are not even treated the same. My ex-bestie is treated better than me before and he is surprised that nothing bothers her like me. xD

I am happy about your focus. Besides your work, I hope you will pursue your interests and meet a kindred soul. I started at age 25 with learning to be social by joining activity groups like the Sierra Club. Soon I was leading outings and such. And, why would he be treating your bestie really well now? People like him are manipulators and do things that offer a payoff. But whatever it is, things won't end nicely, but by then you are happy.

At 27 I had a half year relationship . . . we were incompatible. After, I was taking time off from the social and dating and at 28 i decided to go on a service trip in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Then I heard from the leader and he listed participants suggesting that we ride share. Before the trip I was going to be near Chicago and there was a woman from there. I have never just called a woman that I didn't know, but I took a chance and soon we were calling a couple of times a week going over gear and training. We met when I showed up on her doorstep bedraggled and dirty from being caught in a quarry during a torrential rainstorm. When I saw her, I thought, "so svelt, so tall" and that is when I chose her, since the way we talked we saw each other as friends already. We had an adventurous trip and I was falling for her. Finally, one more day and we will meet the group. We spent it exploring Cades Cove and after a wonderful day, circumstance had us sleeping in my tent. So, here I was, a virgin at 28, who would do anything for her, and I don't know how I did it, but I asked her if she would like to make love, then my mind panicked and I did not hear her "yes." I was embarassed at myself, thinking that I went too far and spoiled a friendship, but she calmly talked me down, telling me that we would take our friendship to a new level. I lost all inhibition then. Much later she had told me that when she had sex with men before meeting me (I knew that, already), she felt used, but i was the only one who was interested in her pleasure. I was astounded that a woman would accept me sexually. We have been having adventures since (no luxe honeymoon for us. we backpacked in Rocky Mountain National Park, though we spent one night in the Stanley Hotel). We chose each other and do much to support each other. So, even with age I enjoy showing my spouse that she is desired.

Maybe overly long but an example of an aspie, me, falling for an accepting and caring woman. I hope you will meet an accepting and caring man, plus intelligence can't hurt. Find that man interested in your pleasure, your well being.

 

[PollyAne]

I am happy about your focus. Besides your work, I hope you will pursue your interests and meet a kindred soul. I started at age 25 with learning to be social by joining activity groups like the Sierra Club. Soon I was leading outings and such. And, why would he be treating your bestie really well now? People like him are manipulators and do things that offer a payoff. But whatever it is, things won't end nicely, but by then you are happy.

At 27 I had a half year relationship . . . we were incompatible. After, I was taking time off from the social and dating and at 28 i decided to go on a service trip in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Then I heard from the leader and he listed participants suggesting that we ride share. Before the trip I was going to be near Chicago and there was a woman from there. I have never just called a woman that I didn't know, but I took a chance and soon we were calling a couple of times a week going over gear and training. We met when I showed up on her doorstep bedraggled and dirty from being caught in a quarry during a torrential rainstorm. When I saw her, I thought, "so svelt, so tall" and that is when I chose her, since the way we talked we saw each other as friends. We had an adventurous trip and I was falling for her. Finally, one more day and we will meet the group. We spent it exploring Cades Cove and after a wonderful day, circumstance had us sleeping in my tent. So, here I was, a virgin at 28, who would do anything for her, and I don't know how I did it, but I asked her if she would like to make love, then my mind panicked and I did not hear her "yes." I was embarassed at myself but she calmly talked me down, telling me that we would take our friendship to a new level. I lost all inhibition then. Much later she had told me that when she had sex with men before meeting me (I knew that, already), she felt used, but i was the only one who was interested in her pleasure. I was astounded that a woman would accept me sexually. We have been having adventures since (no luxe honeymoon for us. we backpacked in Rocky Mountain National Park, though we spent one night in the Stanley Hotel). We chose each other and do much to support each other. So, even with age I enjoy showing my spouse that she is desired.

Maybe overly long but an example of an aspie, me, falling for an accepting and caring woman. I hope you will meet an accepting and caring man, plus intelligence can't hurt. Find that man interested in your pleasure, your well being.

Thank you really