Monachopia
...spiral out... keep going.
I've always struggled with this. I've been with my NT boyfriend for 13 years, but I've always been aloof. I love him with all my heart, though sometimes I can't FEEL that love, it comes and goes. All I know is that my life would be empty and meaningless without him in it. He's such a positive and happy person, he always knows how to cheer me up. Nothing seems to affect him, he's just permanently in a 'good place' which is the opposite of me, I'm stuck in a permanent state of mild depression.
I can't stand to be hugged for more than 10 seconds, I just pull away. Kisses too. It all feels awkward and that I have to act somehow. I really wish I could be more loving externally to him, because he is much more touchy feely, but he's learnt over the years to give me my space with no resentment. He never makes a big deal out of the fact that we haven't ... "done it" in a few years. I had an (accidental) ectopic pregnancy at that time and since then it's all just freaked me out, that loss of control and knowing that my body can screw up badly to a dangerous level.
He's kind and loving, and I try to show my affection by looking after him, bringing him little gifts and surprises every once in a while. Drawing him cute things he seems to love. Making him something delicious and always encouraging him to do what he wants, to spend time with friends, play a game, whatever he wants to do. I get involved with his hobbies and try to help him out however I can (for example - I've got into Warhammer 40k for him and painted lots of miniatures for his army, and give advice on it even if at the core it doesn't interest me much). But I fail him so much and I'm aware of that. I'm not a social person and he feels let down when I can't go out with him and his friends. I am not a huggy person. I find it hard to be touched, and I know he's quite traditional in a way that he thinks a happy relationship is one that involves intercourse and everything else. Despite it all, we're best friends and live together with hardly any arguments at all. We see eye to eye and support each other... but at times it does feel like we're roommates, because I can't bring myself to do more. I don't feel comfortable. I feel awkward.
I should point out, that even through all this, he still seems to love me and tries to show affection my way. He puts me first and tries to look after me always, which is what makes it so hard. I think I've tried to sabotage the relationship a few times so that he'd be able to move on and find someone better, someone who can give him what he wants.. I sometimes wonder if he's just too scared to hurt me by leaving knowing the way that I am. Maybe it's guilt keeping him here?
How do I improve the affection side? Is there a way?
I can't stand to be hugged for more than 10 seconds, I just pull away. Kisses too. It all feels awkward and that I have to act somehow. I really wish I could be more loving externally to him, because he is much more touchy feely, but he's learnt over the years to give me my space with no resentment. He never makes a big deal out of the fact that we haven't ... "done it" in a few years. I had an (accidental) ectopic pregnancy at that time and since then it's all just freaked me out, that loss of control and knowing that my body can screw up badly to a dangerous level.
He's kind and loving, and I try to show my affection by looking after him, bringing him little gifts and surprises every once in a while. Drawing him cute things he seems to love. Making him something delicious and always encouraging him to do what he wants, to spend time with friends, play a game, whatever he wants to do. I get involved with his hobbies and try to help him out however I can (for example - I've got into Warhammer 40k for him and painted lots of miniatures for his army, and give advice on it even if at the core it doesn't interest me much). But I fail him so much and I'm aware of that. I'm not a social person and he feels let down when I can't go out with him and his friends. I am not a huggy person. I find it hard to be touched, and I know he's quite traditional in a way that he thinks a happy relationship is one that involves intercourse and everything else. Despite it all, we're best friends and live together with hardly any arguments at all. We see eye to eye and support each other... but at times it does feel like we're roommates, because I can't bring myself to do more. I don't feel comfortable. I feel awkward.
I should point out, that even through all this, he still seems to love me and tries to show affection my way. He puts me first and tries to look after me always, which is what makes it so hard. I think I've tried to sabotage the relationship a few times so that he'd be able to move on and find someone better, someone who can give him what he wants.. I sometimes wonder if he's just too scared to hurt me by leaving knowing the way that I am. Maybe it's guilt keeping him here?
How do I improve the affection side? Is there a way?
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