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How to show affection?

Monachopia

...spiral out... keep going.
I've always struggled with this. I've been with my NT boyfriend for 13 years, but I've always been aloof. I love him with all my heart, though sometimes I can't FEEL that love, it comes and goes. All I know is that my life would be empty and meaningless without him in it. He's such a positive and happy person, he always knows how to cheer me up. Nothing seems to affect him, he's just permanently in a 'good place' which is the opposite of me, I'm stuck in a permanent state of mild depression.

I can't stand to be hugged for more than 10 seconds, I just pull away. Kisses too. It all feels awkward and that I have to act somehow. I really wish I could be more loving externally to him, because he is much more touchy feely, but he's learnt over the years to give me my space with no resentment. He never makes a big deal out of the fact that we haven't ... "done it" in a few years. I had an (accidental) ectopic pregnancy at that time and since then it's all just freaked me out, that loss of control and knowing that my body can screw up badly to a dangerous level.

He's kind and loving, and I try to show my affection by looking after him, bringing him little gifts and surprises every once in a while. Drawing him cute things he seems to love. Making him something delicious and always encouraging him to do what he wants, to spend time with friends, play a game, whatever he wants to do. I get involved with his hobbies and try to help him out however I can (for example - I've got into Warhammer 40k for him and painted lots of miniatures for his army, and give advice on it even if at the core it doesn't interest me much). But I fail him so much and I'm aware of that. I'm not a social person and he feels let down when I can't go out with him and his friends. I am not a huggy person. I find it hard to be touched, and I know he's quite traditional in a way that he thinks a happy relationship is one that involves intercourse and everything else. Despite it all, we're best friends and live together with hardly any arguments at all. We see eye to eye and support each other... but at times it does feel like we're roommates, because I can't bring myself to do more. I don't feel comfortable. I feel awkward.

I should point out, that even through all this, he still seems to love me and tries to show affection my way. He puts me first and tries to look after me always, which is what makes it so hard. I think I've tried to sabotage the relationship a few times so that he'd be able to move on and find someone better, someone who can give him what he wants.. I sometimes wonder if he's just too scared to hurt me by leaving knowing the way that I am. Maybe it's guilt keeping him here?

How do I improve the affection side? Is there a way?
 
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I hear you loud and clear my friend, and I've wrestled with similar concerns myself. I've been with my wife for about the same length of time, and I've frequently stated on here that I consider myself remarkably lucky to have found her.
Like you I'm not a very huggy, kissy kind of person and I withdraw quite quickly. We have our own chairs in the living room - I've an armchair, she likes to stretch out on the sofa. We're not at it like rabbits either, but there is still an immense bond of affection and love that I am incredibly grateful to have in my life.
Like your OH - she would like to be a bit more social, but that is limited by physical ability as much as my AS (she has EDS) but we make the most of our very home-based time together.
We've talked about it a few times and we're both happy with the way things are. I was married once before and lived with several women with very different dynamics. She had several partners before we met too. Our life may not be as passionate, social or as exciting as it might have been with some of our exes, but it's a happy life wherein neither of us ever has cause to doubt the love or commitment of the other. We also have an extremely honest and open communication channel between us. No secrets, no hidden agendae and neither of us holds things in preventing resentment. As long as we keep that up I know we are OK and we will last.
Like you describe, there are no end of little gifts and gestures flowing between us. I buy her flowers when the current ones are dying, I look after her when she's down and vice versa. She cooks me one of my favourite cakes when she's fit enough to do so and I make her favourite evening meals. I pay the rent and go to work, she does as much of the domestic chores as she can cope with and keeps an eye on our finances. We listen to eachother when we're frustrated and we laugh together when we're happy.
It sounds like your relationship is similar in many ways.
What I can say with all certainty in our case, is that having met in our mid 30s with plenty of exes to compare to between us, we both know that what we have is special and rare. I had an ex who was very social and popular, but that had major drawbacks for me. I had an ex who was highly sexually charged and that in turn had it's difficulties. Both had their merits, but it's no good having sex on tap if the trust and friendship isn't there.
I can't offer you advice on how to be more affectionate, but I can say that what you already have may far outweigh any shortcomings you may see compared to the ideal blissful relationship we see portrayed in the media and fiction.
There are more songs about heartbreak than there are about happiness....
 
Relationships are built on respect, communication and love and it seems you two have those things. The things you do for each other and how you treat each other is soooooo much more important than the physical, which soon wears off anyway. Those relationships built on the physical never lasts because that stuff does fade.
You sound very fortunate in finding someone who loves you for who you are.
 
Wow, you are very lucky to have someone like that in your life.

I would always verbalize it if I could not show it.

I would also set aside times for touching and closeness so your loved one could feel it through tactile touching.

I also hate hugs, but I think I could do it if someone loved me like that. But I run from relationships and cannot ever get to that place because the ASD kicks up so bad that I cannot ever get there, so it's all just speculation on my part! But that is what i would do. Good luck! You are brave! :)
 
You seem to put a lot of effort into showing him how much you love him, and it sounds like he does the same for you, so I think there's a very good chance he understands and it is all okay.

It seems like something you it might be good to talk to him about if you are really worried. Only he can tell you for sure if he is okay with things, and asking seems to me like another way that you would communicate to him how much you love him and want to make sure that he feels that love.
 
"I love him with all my heart, though sometimes I can't FEEL that love, it comes and goes. All I know is that my life would be empty and meaningless without him in it. "

I am replying to you because I was so impressed with your amazing ability to be intuitive about your own state of mind regarding your relationship.

I am NT woman and I have loved a man with aspergers.

As a NT, I have had experiences in past NT/NT relationships regarding love, where I can't feel it everyday ... Although I know intellectually that I do love the person. I very much believe that love is often like having faith in something unseen … it is there … and we have to act loving even when we aren't in a place or situation that we feel it. Every day life gets in the way, stress and sickness arise and mistakes happen and love seems to ebb and flow.
I guess that's when your commitment to the relationship just kicks in and you go forward based on faith

But your question is how to be more affectionate. I also read some anxiety on your part that perhaps your boyfriend is only being kind in staying with you.

As a NT, I would appreciate your being sincere and secure enough in our relationship to ask me what affection means to me. I would not expect you to necessarily know what types of affection matter to me. I would be very happy that you wanted to be affectionate because you think it matters to me. I would like to know that you want me to be happy. However, NT's are very good at figuring out what is authentic and what is not … so a conversation about this with him is important so he doesn't think you are not being yourself. Although I am sure that you must have had some good discussions in the past that worked because you are still together after this amount of time.

I know I would accept loving affection from my autistic partner, even if it seemed "staged" as long as we both agreed that it was what we both could accept. Going way out of your comfort zone and coming off as fake would hurt him a bit I think. I guess this is where, as a NT, it would help me if we compromise … but not without knowing that is what we are doing. As a NT I don't want to feel compromised in all things without some help as to why and what else could we "do".

Check in with your guy. He might have a bit of trouble articulating himself … but it sounds like you really want this … and if he knows that you do … if he is like me …. then and because I loved you, then I would be so happy to help you.

Good luck ...
 
If you can get it, a good book for you and he to read together is Five Love Languages (I think it's called, but that will certainly bring it up in a search). Giving and Service are two love languages, for instance, that you seem to be portraying. They are different ways of showing love and affection than what's "typical."

My mom is the same way. She's not autistic, but she's also not a cuddler or very affectionate, but she does all the housework without giving anyone else a chance to do it, and she cooks dinner every night. Plus she tries to give us things when she can to help us out. That's her way of showing her love. And she understands love in those terms. So she feels loved when we do things for her or give things to her we think she'd like.

I forgot what the other love languages are, unfortunately, but reading it together might give him an idea that everything you do for him, even if you're not hugging or kissing, is your way of showing your love (or cement the idea in his head if he's thinking it already) and might give both of you some ideas on his love language, including a secondary one that may not necessarily be physical affection.
 
I show my affection with food, tiny gifts, text messages, surprise butt grabs, scribbled notes, compliments, the occasional hug, and vanquishing his enemies. Well, maybe not that last one.
 

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