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How do you respond to Compliments...?

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by inabox, Dec 22, 2014.

  1. epath13

    epath13 the Fool.The Magician.The... V.I.P Member

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    I actually have hard time responding to complements. Usually I just smile and say "thank you" :)
    Yes, and one more thing. Returning compliment sounds so unnatural to me. Like in the situation with the women, if I said something... anything about her as well, it would sound horribly wrong in my mind :D I believe you shouldn't return all the compliments, maybe just some. Like if somebody says, "I love your dress" and if you like their dress as well, you could probably say "I just wanted to say the same thing about yours. It's gorgeous". :) all those social little statements do make me feel like I'm from a different planet and the way I say them would determine whether I belong on this one or not... this all is just so weird :) I mean I want to compliment people and do so sometimes, but it still feels strange :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2014
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  2. inabox

    inabox Don't EVER give up V.I.P Member

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    I like this approach [emoji1]

    AsheSkyler, I might just try that . I like to confuse people . I'm usually pretty good at confusing people so using that line might do the job just fine! Hehe! [emoji12]
     
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  3. Coupe

    Coupe Well-Known Member

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    I have a hard time with compliments, mostly because I don't believe that they are true. For instance, if someone says to me, "Oh, you're such a pretty young lady," I know that can't be true. I'm clinically obese, and I still have acne. Maybe people tell me I'm pretty bcuz they're afraid that if they don't say that, then they'll tell me the truth instead, and then they'll be rude.

    Same thing for when people tell me how smart I am. I've failed college math classes IDK how many times, so no, I'm NOT smart. I never will be.

    I think the most specific instance of this I can recall is when my stepmother ran into my Interpretive Theory professor at my school, and this particular professor told her how delightful it was to have me in class. I still think this professor had me confused with another student, bcuz all during this past semester, I felt like she didn't like me much at all. She had to have had me confused with someone else; there's just no other logical explanation.
     
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  4. AsheSkyler

    AsheSkyler Feathered Jester

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    I'm really awkward with clothes compliments. "Thanks, I got it at ____!" Somehow I sense that's not how you do it...
     
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  5. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    AsheSkyler, instead of picking the same thing, always pick something else different to compliment. There's always something nice you can say. So if it's not clothes, come up with something else- a positive personality trait, some kind of interaction, just keep it positive. It does not matter if you're faking it a little. It's just expected, and I need to practice this enough to survive. Only certain people can handle the truth, or can handle it with certain people. It's never easy, that is for sure.
     
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  6. AsheSkyler

    AsheSkyler Feathered Jester

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    Heehee, and that's where the Aspie over-analyzing details things trips me up! "Thank you. I like that third sequin on the left side of your blouse." :yum:
     
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  7. zurb

    zurb Eschewer of Obfuscation

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    Adding to the options others have given...
    You could try "and you?"
    Even though it's as meaningless as the question, nobody will even notice you didn't actually answer, but they will register you replied, thereby avoiding the stunned mullet effect.
    The only ones who might notice are those who actually care about you.
     
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  8. Spiller

    Spiller Just.. WEIRD!

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    As I've experienced exactly the same thing at school and college, may I be qualified enough to point out an alternate logical explanation?
    You're being waaay too hard on yourself! Took me half a lifetime and a lot of psychological abuse to realise that, so here's a heads-up hun - if I may be so bold, start working on liking yourself, seems to me there're others who do :rose:

    You read my mind, that is exactly what I do say!
    What confuses me most though, is when my GP/therapist, etc, ask. I wouldn't be there if I was ok, right? This answer cuts to the chase there! :D
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2015
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  9. ammiddleton12

    ammiddleton12 Member

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    Compliments make me uncomfortable as well. I always feel like the gratitude I express thereafter is not enough or sounds insincere, no matter how much "oomph" I put into it. My vocal tones always seem to garner the wrong reactions. That, and there is always the thought in the back of my mind that the person is not really trying to compliment me, but mock me in some way.
     
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  10. Celestiune

    Celestiune Well-Known Member

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    As I grow older, I'm becoming more and more interested in beauty and fashion. So naturally I'd like to called beautiful, right? No. I hate people calling me pretty (with the exception of good friends), I don't know why it makes me massively uncomfortable, which sucks because older women love to call me cute and pretty all the time and makes me really embarrassed. Do you feel the same? This is such a weird topic but i gotta wonder if it relates to autism or not.
     
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  11. OkRad

    OkRad Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I would hate that but only because I hate the idea of bodies and appearance in general because I am all up in my head 100% of the time. I hate the idea of being judged, even favorably, but something so fleeting and tenuous and unpredicatable as the human body!

    It is only be chance that someone is beautiful whereas if they have put effort into learning stuff, that is where I think complements should be. If someone said they really liked the way I interpreted Kierkegaard, I would like that. If someone said i was cute? Gawd.....................

    It is just too based on chance, on luck, and beauty only lasts till about 28 anyway....it's fleeting.

    Now, this is NOT to detract from the importance you place on it :) I know it matters!!! I have struggled with this idea! THe Trojan was was fought over BEAUTY (well, a lot more, but that is the meme and an ANCIENT meme at that!!)

    So I do know it matters......it just does not matter to me personally and trust me, I take flak for it and am alone for it, too.
     
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  12. pjcnet

    pjcnet Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I understands your feeling of embarrassment, I used to experience this when I was young, but it's still much better than being called ugly.
     
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  13. Lady Penelope

    Lady Penelope Well-Known Member

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    I have read that we do find it difficult to accept compliments.

    I think it has to do with not liking being the centre of attention and often trying to fade into the background. If someone gives you a compliment, you are somewhat exposed, even temporarily. Whilst some of us may wish to stand out and be noticed, others find that quite alarming. I think it also stems from not knowing the correct social protocol regarding what to say.

    I know I have found it exceedingly torturous to say thank you to anyone offering a nice word to me. There is always the uncomfortable silence that follows. I have, in the past, filled that awkward silence with verbal word soup... also I was of the impression for quite some time that a compliment begets a compliment. So I would then look to return the kindness. However, pausing too long whilst trying desperately to come up with one I have discovered just makes it seem disingenuous...

    I have since been advised to simply say "thank you" and leave it at that.

    Beware the poisoned compliment. Manipulative people use them against you.
    I can't help but question the intention of the compliment to the point I am accusatory and openly suspicious of the giver.

    Being so much in my head, I have a tendency to overthink just about everything though...
     
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  14. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I have always struggled with this, I do but don't like compliments... I've often had people stop me in public to compliment me on the hats I wear (if you weren't aware, I don't wear ball caps! I refuse :p) I'm generally okay with that

    And as much as do want my photography to become more prominent, I am sometimes uncomfortable with compliments, not sure why, because I feel unaccomplished perhaps... I recently met a pro photographer who was just traveling through town, she had a paid job to follow an art installation and photograph, I just showed up... She has some incredible photos, I described myself as "a hack", perhaps because I have very little recognition and I do feel like I'm mostly ignored... Maybe I'm going a little off topic here, but when a friend told me that "lots of people pay attention to my photos" I had trouble believing him, because I don't really see the evidence of it, that was one time I had trouble accepting a compliment, in a manner of speaking...

    I'm rambling now and have to go to bed, ASAP :rolleyes:
     
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  15. Dan Dan

    Dan Dan Im a dog person!

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    I agree completely. I've been told loads of times that im good looking and i despise it. Probably because in my own head i know im not that attractive. I keep thinking "why are you lying to me". People always complement my physique because "of how muscular i am" which i know i am but i don't like people complementing me about it. Even at work when my boss tells me how good my work is (brickwork, stone work etc) i dont like to hear it. I know im good at my job but i hate people telling me. I often give complements to people to make them feel good about themselves but but hate receiving them full stop.
     
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  16. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    My reasons exactly for feeling awkward on compliments.

    Even though I was a model when younger, that felt different. I was the center of attention, but, on the catwalk I didn't need to answer or say anything to anyone. I could feel pride without trying to think of words.
     
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  17. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member

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    Not a weird subject on here, so no fear! You should see my threads lol

    All I can say, it would make my life a lot easier if I hated being complimented, but sadly, I am one of those sad ones who feed off what is said to me. Oh, I get embarrassed and even sometimes ignore the compliment, but that is because I don't know how to respond, but I love it nethertheless and I now know it is related to my childhood experiences ( negative).

    Fairly recently, I was at a spiritual sister's home ( christians) with my husband and another sister, who was with her adult son and a study of the hostess. I was listening to the study and suddenly, the lady who was there with her son said: you really are very beautiful you know and said my name and I was shocked felt actually terrible, because in my thoughts was: all eyes are on me now and what about the other two women; how horrible for them and tried in vain to untangle myself, by saying: well, we are all beautiful. I then suffered shame, because I know she said it with love and I felt I was then squashing her compliment. She then said: you will have to excuse me, I am Italian and we tend to say things like that. But at the end, I felt incredably flattered and it did not matter that it came from my own sex.

    Nts also get embarrassed. Even if you compliment someone on a colour or choice of clothing they are wearing, they will say: oh, this old thing etc etc, so I am trying to just say: thank you so much!
     
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  18. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member

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    So true what you say, OkRad and I feel so shallow for living to be flattered. But as it happens, when I am complimented on what I say etc, that is more powerful to me.

    Lol once a guy said to me as he was leaving our home. You must find work easy to find here in France? Excuse me, I said? Well, with you being a computer researcher or something. I burst out laughing and asked how he came to that conclusion and he said: well, just by how you are with your computer. I said I found it a huge compliment, but nope, my jobs have been cleaning ( loved) and he chuckled and said: perhaps you should up your stakes.
     
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  19. The Midge

    The Midge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Too often I find that compliments are partly negative. Compliment- criticism- compliment. The are wrapped around criticism so it rather makes them insincere. Unfortunately it takes me a while to decode this kind of double speak so I rarely get to respond in a timely fashion.
     
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  20. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    I agree with @Lady Penelope . I usually don't pick up on any hidden intention behind the compliment, and I don't know how to respond, it's just... awkward.

    After someone gives me a compliment, I want to ask, why?
     
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