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inabox

Don't EVER give up
V.I.P Member
Does anyone understand this? I have trouble doing things like returning compliments. Things I should do and most times I want to. Like someone says to me "hope you have a good summer". I should reply "you too" and I want to, either because its polite or I actually mean it, or both. But something makes that so incredibly uncomfortable to say. If its in writing, I can do it no problem. If I manage to say it, it comes out real quiet, I'm looking all shy , and the only feeling I can relate it to is embarrassment. Why the hell would this embarrass me to the point of making me look rude for not returning compliments.
I do not mind being nice to people and if it was someone who does not compliment me, its easier to compliment them. But I can't "return" it.
This is very strange. I don't understand it. Does anyone else experience something similar? Or have any idea what might be going on? Its been going on this way for as long back as I can remember and has not changed.
 
This goes back to when my mom and grandmom would remind me over and over to say "thank you", "yes, ma'am", "yes, please", "no thank you" etc. It didn't make sense to me then. Yes or no was perfectly sufficient in my mind :)

So I definitely understand what you are saying here... it's a matter of social politeness to reciprocate someone's well wishes to you. Yet, we know before it comes out of our mouths it's more than likely going to come off as insincere or inauthentic.
 
I do! I experience this a lot! I happily compliment someone or wish them something good, but I have the hardest time responding to it... I think it could be because I am, somehow, afraid that saying something nice back to a person could be taken as something I don't really mean. It's like that good wish or nice word lose their power in that situation... I don't know if it makes any sense but it is the only way I could explain this weird thing to myself.
 
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I'm with Ellylldan. I'm often uncomfortable responding to well-wishes and compliments, for the feeling that "you, too" doesn't sound authentic...like it's merely an empty, conditioned response. I also freeze a bit sometimes because I feel I was remiss by not saying it first.

Very good to know I'm not the only one who has this trouble, but just as sorry to hear you've got it. I tell myself how silly I am, yet the awkwardness persists.
 
I hate being on the receiving end of a compliment. I ought to feel glad that there is a "scripted" way to politely respond, because I am not obligated to be socially adept once I have learned the appropriate response, but it does seem very insincere to use the formulaic reply. With respect to personal compliments, I am able to give them much more than receive them. I don't like it when someone pays me a compliment because it calls attention to me and puts me on the spot. Other people seem to like having the attention but I really feel anxious when it is directed at me. Also, people here have a tendency to expect others to DISMISS personal compliments (to show modesty?) and I also find that to be quite insincere and confusing.
 
It relieving to know I'm not the only one. I thought it was one of my strange things that not even I could explain. But you all had interesting responses.
 
Also, people here have a tendency to expect others to DISMISS personal compliments (to show modesty?) and I also find that to be quite insincere and confusing.

Well, I do dismiss compliments sometimes, not to show modesty but because I often don't think to be worthy of a compliment... I know it has to do with low self-esteem in my case, but yeah... the receiving end is always uncomfortable and awkward.
 
Responding appropriately to a compliment, I think, takes a lot of nuance that may be difficult for many Aspies to grasp. An optimal mix of gratitude and humility. Too much gratitude and you come across as egotistical. Too much humility (and this is where I fall most of the time) makes you think the person is wrong and you don't really deserve the compliment that they were kind enough to hand out. It's enough to make one's head explode!

Fortunately, I'm really good at giving out compliments. There's a lot less subtlety there when it comes to the amount of humility you need to express. :)
 
Responding appropriately to a compliment, I think, takes a lot of nuance that may be difficult for many Aspies to grasp. An optimal mix of gratitude and humility. Too much gratitude and you come across as egotistical. Too much humility (and this is where I fall most of the time) makes you think the person is wrong and you don't really deserve the compliment that they were kind enough to hand out. It's enough to make one's head explode!

Fortunately, I'm really good at giving out compliments. There's a lot less subtlety there when it comes to the amount of humility you need to express. :)

Makes me wonder if I strive to be independent so as to subconsciously avoid all that, not being indebted to much of anyone. I'm rather uneven about giving or receiving compliments.

Or maybe I simply saw too many episodes of "Leave It To Beaver" where Eddie Haskell was always tossing out transparent, insincere compliments to adults. :p
 
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I am really bad at accepting compliments, usually I will do the standard 'That's kind of you' response, whilst feeling embarrassed.

On the other side of the coin I can hand them out without an issue.
 
I hate being on the receiving end of a compliment. I ought to feel glad that there is a "scripted" way to politely respond, because I am not obligated to be socially adept once I have learned the appropriate response, but it does seem very insincere to use the formulaic reply. With respect to personal compliments, I am able to give them much more than receive them. I don't like it when someone pays me a compliment because it calls attention to me and puts me on the spot. Other people seem to like having the attention but I really feel anxious when it is directed at me. Also, people here have a tendency to expect others to DISMISS personal compliments (to show modesty?) and I also find that to be quite insincere and confusing.

I couldn't agree more with this post.
 
It is weird. I mean, when we should feel anything from a little pleasure to exaltation having been complimented, instead we're caught by surprise and feel we've been put on the spot somehow. Awkward! :eek:

Sometimes I wonder if such a response is relative to incredulity. Like being teased as a child over compliments when people don't really mean it. And that even when as an adult, they do. Sort of a post traumatic stress reaction for those of us who were bullied as children. A sort of knee-jerk reaction, that we just don't "buy" it out of mistrust.

Or am I way off here? :confused:
 
I have an awful time, too. My mom and I were just discussing it, actually. (She's the only person who is willing to truly engage in such discussions with me.) I always come across coldly, like I'm reading a script. To a degree, that's exactly what I'm doing. I'll admit that much. But I'm using the script because I really do mean it and don't know any other way to say it.

As far as accepting/responding to compliments goes, people think I'm ungrateful because I tend to shut down. I don't know what to do with compliments, so I try to avoid them. My family is used to it, so they tend to present things in a way that won't shut me down. Others, though, don't know, so it's a problem. It's all I can do to say "thank you" or "you, too". Mostly, I just want the attention off me and on anything else.
 
Oh wow, I am sooo like this! I have to remind myself to volunteer too! Also, I am dreadful with passing on love and so, my good friend, who is on the spectrum, says: please give my love to your husband and I do. He has to also do the same.

I am not a cold person, but I just am not sentimental. Same goes for when we stay with others (hate, hate, hate), I manage to remember to wave, but can walk away without tears or sadness, even if I enjoyed myself

Being an aspie is full of contradictions and sometimes I do wish I was "normal" because it would make life easier to deal with.
 
It is weird. I mean, when we should feel anything from a little pleasure to exaltation having been complimented, instead we're caught by surprise and feel we've been put on the spot somehow. Awkward! :eek:

Sometimes I wonder if such a response is relative to incredulity. Like being teased as a child over compliments when people don't really mean it. And that even when as an adult, they do. Sort of a post traumatic stress reaction for those of us who were bullied as children. A sort of knee-jerk reaction, that we just don't "buy" it out of mistrust.

Or am I way off here? :confused:

Good point! Actually, for me, there IS a little part of enjoying, but it just gets suppressed by more strong and intense emotions. One part of me doesn't think I deserve a compliment and another part has a difficulty to believe that person really means it.
I agree that bullying in the past could be the answer here. Such a thing leaves really big scars and even if after years we may learn to be more open towards people, we will always be cautious.

In such moments in my head happens something like this: "What? Did they say it to me? They're looking at me. Are they making fun of me? Damn, I knew I didn't have to put this dress on! But it looks like they're serious. Do they really mean it? But i don't really look that good, I'm sure of it. They must be kidding! But... they look so sweet saying it, maybe this time it's real and they really like me, for some unknown reason? WHAT DO I DO?!". :screamcat::sweatsmile:
And only later, when it's all over, only then I can enjoy that compliment and sometimes I go to my husband and tell him with a huge smile: "They said they liked me!!". Now, thinking of my face expression in that moment... gosh, I must be creepy! :eek::D
 
I was about to make a thread about this too, I have the exact same difficulty responding to compliments or thanking people for being helpful and stuff.

I often find myself responding by saying "yes" or "good" when it would be more appropriate to say "thank you" or something like that. I guess it just comes more naturally to me to express my approval of someone's words/actions than to express my appreciation or gratitude, and when faced with a compliment or an act of kindness there's not usually enough time to consider an appropriate response so I end up just reacting in the way this is most natural for me to react. That doesn't mean I'm unappreciative/ungrateful, though.
 
It's good that we can all relate to something like this which can be so complex for outsiders to comprehend.

But then it also breaks my heart at times...knowing how painful it all can be to have to go through life in such a way where the vast majority out there has absolutely no way to relate to or understand such thought processes.
 
I'm so awkward returning compliments too. "Have a good summer" ends up being responded to as "beware of snakes and chiggers". I'm lucky I can usually make people giggle, I'd probably spend even more time embarrassed than I already do.
 
Yes, I find it hard to return compliments too. Apart from the fact that they are often given for the sake of politeness rather than a genuine interest in my having a good summer, or whatever, I don't like the forced interaction. I resent being obliged to say things just for the sake politeness. It has to come from me. I'd much rather be the one making the compliment rather than returning it, because when I make one, at least I know it's genuine and I mean it. I very rarely compliment for the sake of politeness alone. If I'm made to do something against my will, my voice becomes strained and it comes out wrong and doesn't sound sincere. It's one of the reasons I avoid smalltalk and casual acquaintances.

Sometimes I reply after a considerable delay, or I blank out on people and don't reply at all. I remember being a small child and refusing to say thank you, and then being punished for it. But I just couldn't say it, it wouldn't come out. It's not something I do on purpose. Then, at a a party as an adult, on leaving and after thanking the hostess, she said to me "You must come round again sometime!" and I know a response was required, I searched the proverbial database, but I didn't have one and just blanked out and said nothing. I didn't get invited back again.
 

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