How do People Recognise Flirting?

[smith2267]

I completely miss it sometimes. Other times I am not sure, so I don't respond correctly. I agree, human mating rituals are stupid. I once had a neighbor girl come and visit my apartment and lay down on my bed (!). I thought this might be flirting but I wasn't sure and didn't want to do or say anything wrong. So if it was an opportunity, I missed it. Or maybe she did.
Aspie guys are honest, loyal, and don't play games, so if you girls don't want us, it's your loss.

 

[Soup]

Wait a sec: I've married one & I'm only interested in Aspie guys: I'm waaay too quirky for an NT who'd probably want to have a typical social life. Also, I need too much alone time for a NT guy & I'm as clueless & unromantic as most Aspies are.

 

[Flinty]

Flirting to me seems forced and fake and I prefer other means of getting to know someone over the longer term-- not rushed and forced to live up to some sort of societal expectations.

Among NTs, it seems to be one of two things: forced and real, or natural and fake.

Like a lot of things, I can flirt if I spend several weeks planning ahead.

 

[dwc780]

I get accused of being a flirt a lot, and I'm usually not even aware I'm doing it. It has a lot about how you are perceived. I have a deep voice, southern accent, a southern speech pattern and mannerisms, I use a lot of self deprecating humor coupled with innuendo and then playing back the same deprecation on who I'm talking to (never cruelly, just poking fun, and I pick and choose around what I know the person is sensitive to). But I have an extremely hard time picking up on when other people are flirting with me. I never, ever pick up on it. I'll relay my day back to my sister (my NT translator) and she'll stop me and say stuff like "She was flirting with you, you dolt!" and I'll have never given what the person said a second thought.

 

[Soup]

@dwc780: I also have gotten those annoying accusations. I have a deep voice & a slight French accent (QC, Canada); add the Aspie tendency to look at people sidelong & people assume all kinds of dumb things. If I did the same things but looked like Woody Allen, it would be very different.

 

[smith2267]

I have Asperger's Syndrome.
If you are trying to mate with me, press 1.
If you want me to go away, press 0.

 

[Divrom]

I wish I knew how to flirt. Unfortunately, I'd probably not be aware of boundaries and end up getting done for sexual intimidation!

So, I just tend to ignore the opposite sex, assuming they're doing the same to me.

Well, apart form when I stare, but that can be guys or girls.

 

[dwc780]

@dwc780: I also have gotten those annoying accusations. I have a deep voice & a slight French accent (QC, Canada); add the Aspie tendency to look at people sidelong & people assume all kinds of dumb things. If I did the same things but looked like Woody Allen, it would be very different.

I don't really find them all that annoying, at least not right now being single. It's caused problems in relationships before, though. I DO flirt with pretty much everyone, sometimes intentionally and often unintentionally. I've found that it usually helps to offset some of the coldness a lot of people get off my Aspie traits. I just don't think about it. It gets frustrating, though, when someone I'm interested in but too insecure to do the typical NT thing and go up and say hello flirts with me and I have to find out from someone else "Yeah man, she was flirting with you" and then feel like "Whelp, missed that bus".

Being attractive, or at least having been told several times I am, doesn't really seem to help. It just gets me into even more strange and awkward situation. I had someone use the "nice shoes" line on me. When the hell does that happen in real life?!

 

[Soup]

You sound very much like a Montrealer in your thinking! Here it is practically a religion. I too have been told I'm attractive & it can complicate things. In my case, as a married woman, it can be very disturbing...those times when I actually catch on that it is happening. I'm one of those dense Aspie types.

 

[Undiagnosed]

I could be worse Soup and dwc. I wouldnt mind being accused of flirting but that dosn't happen to me. I don't think i know how to flirt. Someone flirts with me and I respond. Or someone flirts with me and I ignore it becouse I'm not sure if it is flirting or not .No Being an attractive young lady (in the past) who ignores others has gotten me acused of being 'stuck up' which couldn't be further from the truth.

 

[dwc780]

You sound very much like a Montrealer in your thinking! Here it is practically a religion. I too have been told I'm attractive & it can complicate things. In my case, as a married woman, it can be very disturbing...those times when I actually catch on that it is happening. I'm one of those dense Aspie types.

I've always gotten along pretty well with French and French originating people. I think, except for some of the liberal attitudes among the French, there are a lot of similarities between French-originating people and Southerners. The whole "being charming" thing is kind of ingrained in our culture, as well. When I catch it, I tend to roll with it. It's such a part of what we do that most people don't think nothing of it. Any girl I've ever dated knows I'm strictly honest to my word and that I just... flirt. It happens. I'm only the jealous type when I've gotta be, so it's never really been an issue.

I could be worse Soup and dwc. I wouldnt mind being accused of flirting but that dosn't happen to me. I don't think i know how to flirt. Someone flirts with me and I respond. Or someone flirts with me and I ignore it becouse I'm not sure if it is flirting or not .No Being an attractive young lady (in the past) who ignores others has gotten me acused of being 'stuck up' which couldn't be further from the truth.

I've heard a lot of Aspies say they don't know how to flirt. Truth be told, I really don't KNOW how to do it either, I was just raised the way I am. Couple that with good looks and an "I don't really give a damn what you think about me" personality and sexual nature and BOOM, you've got flirting. As for being stuck up, it happens. I've been accused of it my self from time to time... and honestly usually the people weren't that interesting to me in the first place, so I just didn't give them any thought. Not being stuck up, just didn't really care two ways about them. You seem like a decent person, and I've never met an Aspie or AS person who really WAS stuck up. Despite our tendency to be stuck in our habits, we seem to be a remarkably open minded bunch. Or maybe we just don't care as much as NTs about the things that don't really matter.

 

[duckbutt56]

I have been accused of flirting, when I wasn't,,,, been told someone else was flirting with me and I didn't notice.... flirting? Humbug!!

 

[Aalo]

I have been accused of flirting, when I wasn't

Haha, done that! There is a slight chance I might pick a signal from someone, but truly a zero chance I could ever manage to give anyone a good wink. I have tried few times, and I hear it was so obvious it wasn't inviting. It's really hard to do almost unnoticed. So not trying anymore. And because I seem to accidentally do it, it's best not to maintain eye contact ever. With anyone. And that makes them think I have a crush. Oh for f...

 

[Cerulean]

I'm a total spaz when I try to flirt. It's a good thing I'm reasonably cute, most people seem to find it endearing.

 

[Zagreus]

Tarragon. I've run into the same problem several times. Only after the fact do I find out that someone fancied me. The problem was always the same; the female thought she was making it obvious and I was oblivious. The other problem I run into has to do with intensity. I'm not exactly what you would call subtle. I try really hard to tone down my actions when I'm interested in someone, but I still come on strong. Usually, if I get a second date with a women, I mention this and ask them to let me know if I am coming on too strong, since that's not my intention.

And Cerulean, personally, I hope to find a woman who stumbles when trying to flirt. I've found that I can relax easier since I'm the same way. I'm actually writing a musical about a girl who I dated last year that fumbled just as much as I did. To me there's nothing more romantic than two awkward people finding each other.

 

[Cerulean]

And Cerulean, personally, I hope to find a woman who stumbles when trying to flirt. I've found that I can relax easier since I'm the same way. I'm actually writing a musical about a girl who I dated last year that fumbled just as much as I did. To me there's nothing more romantic than two awkward people finding each other.

I agree, it's so sweet.

 

[wyverary]

I don't understand flirting. I don't pick up on others' flirting with me. I apparently sometimes flirt unintentionally. I'm effectively asexual--don't have any romantic or lustful interest in anyone; so hopefully this won't lead to horribly awkward situations (or at least, more horribly awkward than normal. ). I like friendly conversation about shared interests, and nothing more.

@Soup: If I wind up visiting Montr?al at some point, I'll have to keep that in mind. Sounds...intimidating...?

 

[Biblio-Love]

Apparently I am a huge flirt, although I never intend it with anyone except my husband. Maybe some people are just naturally more flirtatious? I don't really know what I am doing that makes them think so. If I am a flirt - then I flirt with all genders and people of all ages. I think I am just behaving like myself. When I went our more, I was called all sorts of things. "Cold" when I didn't want to talk to strangers, "coy" when I didn't want to look a man in the eyes, "flirt" when I was enjoying the company I was with, and "cock-tease" on the rare occasion when I was sexually assertive. I don't think any of those labels were accurate. I don't play games with people and I hate manipulation. But it is not an issue now anyway, as I am married and now people see my "naturally" flirtatious self as harmlessly playful. I still act the same way I always have, but my "married" status helps ease their minds I guess. I mostly stay away from men anyway. So I guess I now flirt with women.

 

[Lector Tiberius]

I only flirt or "engage" with people that I feel comfortable with doing such. Actually, one of my favorite social things is : NOT flirting with people that expect me too Ha!

 

[Truck]

I had trouble flirting for most of my life. But, once I decided I was going to get my social life handled, I learned it relatively quickly. I suppose I obsessed about it for a few years and I did take a very good (but expensive) class. So, it CAN be learned and you can become good at it.