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Featured How do People Recognise Flirting?

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Animal_Girl, Nov 9, 2012.

  1. Animal_Girl

    Animal_Girl Well-Known Member

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    Flirting. I do not understand this concept at all. Usually I can at least figure out an appropriate or neutral response to things that people say, but I can not figure out the appropriate response to flirting. There are a lot of non-literal statements involved in flirting, and these are hard enough to figure out, but there are also a lot of suggestive sentences. In my experience, there are three responses I can give to men who want to flirt with me: 1. I can be blunt and tell them I have no interest in flirting with them. This gets me labeled as an uptight prude. 2. I say something that sounds perfectly logical to me, and they laugh. I don't understand what's funny and they laugh more at my confusion. 3. I try to flirt back and show interest, and the level of intensity of the flirtation escalates too quickly for me to deal with. That's very uncomfortable so I usually just walk away or say something to shut it down (back to response number 1).

    Ugh. Human courtship behaviors are stupid.

    How do you deal with this?
     
  2. NeverEnder

    NeverEnder Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I am not sure how to flirt, actually. I do not believe that I've ever done it in my life. I have had girlfriends and such but these situations were not derived from flirting, initially.

    Flirting to me seems forced and fake and I prefer other means of getting to know someone over the longer term-- not rushed and forced to live up to some sort of societal expectations.

    You make some very good points in your post, Animal_Girl.
     
  3. NoxNocturne

    NoxNocturne Well-Known Member

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    I'm not into the whole flirting thing, either. I agree with NeverEnder--it does seem fake. I'd rather be myself than try to be someone I'm not.
     
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  4. RubenX

    RubenX Well-Known Member

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    I would need examples of what flirting is. I not sure if flirting with somebody is the same as hitting on somebody. Is flirting restricted to acting sexy & slightly provocative? Or does can talking be flirting? Because I'm very confused on how to make my intentions clear when the situations are different, yet the phrases are the same. For example:


    * A friend who I am *not* attracted to, arrives with new dress: "Hi there! Looking good today".
    * A friend who I *do* like but do not wish to pursue a relationship: "Hi there! Looking good today".
    * A friend who I *do* like and I *do* want to pursue a relationship: "Hi there! Looking good today".
     
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  5. Pella

    Pella Well-Known Member

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    Ruben it can be acting a certain way too.

    I don't consiously flirt, but when I like someone I feel its really obvious and I end up feeling very embarassed. But I think its more like me talking alot, if i had been drinking i seem to also play with my hair alot. I can feel my cheeks burning, so I end up touching my cheeks alot. I think the purpose of flirting is supposed to be a. expressing interest, and b. testing the waters (so to speak). But I just don't know how to respond, sometimes I am unsure of their intentions, are they making fun of me, are they just making conversation, are they interested in me, and if they are can I trust them. I don't like making assumptions. So I just don't know what to say.
     
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  6. RubenX

    RubenX Well-Known Member

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    Sitting down with a short skirt and pulling it back down, letting it go back up, pull it down again, then back up... is that an example of flirting? Cuz I get confused by that one all the time. I mean, do you want me to look or not? Then leave it up, or leave it down, or wear something else, or take it off... dang it! Confused!
     
  7. Soup

    Soup Well-Known Member

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    THis IS a complicated business. I live in a French place so flirting is culturally entrenched & isn't going anywhere. It is so common that I take it for granted & it doesn't usually freak me out. Flirting here is NOT the same as making a direct 'pass' at someone or hitting on them. A person can flirt from a passing bus to a woman on the street or even when you're at the pharmacy trying to get the pharmacist to help you select the best cold medicine. Some guys who are new to QC get it wrong & do stuff that'll get them in trouble like making a rude comment, staring blatantly, winking or licking their lips, making a rude noise to get your attention...The 'real' pros do it more y smiling just a little, holding eye contact just a little beyond what is socially normative (there are experts who've actually timed this!). French Canadian guys ought to offer some kind of classes for guys who are new to the culture so they don't make vulgar @$$e$ of themselves, frighten the crap out of an unwitting woman or just hopelessly bungle.

    As an Aspie, I don't make eye-contact so flirting or making a pass at me is like trying to flirt with a brick wall. The rare occasion when minimal eye contact can't be helped (I use a handy strategy: glance at the person's upper eyelid briefly...looks to them like eye contact) & the person makes some kind of idiotic goo-goo eyes at me, I'm never sure whether or not they have a facial tic, an eyelash in their eye, or some other eye-balls issue. I ignore it the way one tries to ignore someone's obvious scar or deformity.

    @ RubenX, as for the skirt pulling thing, it can depend. This can happen if the person:

    - miscalculated the length of the skirt: many seem fine when you try them on in the store while standing up. Try sitting & it's a different story.

    - Some women bravely leave the house in a short skirt only to realize just how short it really is & become embarrassed.

    - Sometimes the skirt is just fine in length BUT the fabric is one of those annoying synthetics that ride up unexpectedly or stick to your nylons (another reason I do not own nylons!).

    - Sometimes the person is just a flaky sort of chica who requires constant male attention so the skirt is too short & too tight, the top too plunging & clingy, the heels too high...What is strange about this kind of person is that they do everything to get guys to ogle & then become indignant when they respond. Kind of like putting a help wanted sign outside your store & then screaming at those who show up looking for a job!

     
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  8. Tarragon

    Tarragon Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't get it either. I've missed several women flirting with me that I know of - only because I've been told by people afterwards!! Im just too straightforward for that sort of thing. Anytime I've fancied someone, I don't have a clue what to do about it! :(

    All of this is academic to me now, as I have a girlfriend! No flirting, just proper talking and getting to know her first. From what I've seen of flirting, I think it's just playing games. Im no good at that sort of game!


    Update:- I now no longer have a girlfriend! :( Guess I'd better learn to handle flirting again! :/
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2013
  9. Soup

    Soup Well-Known Member

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    ...Or simply being your own intelligent & interesting self...
     
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  10. Pella

    Pella Well-Known Member

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    I would have to agree. I think flirting i suposed to be showing interest without putting yourself completely out there, and in turn lessening the sting of rejection. But I think with many it turns into playing games. I think it would be better if people were just honest. I know its hard to put yourself out there, but maybe if people are just themselves then when someone gets to know them and becomes interested they can just say so.
     
  11. Dragon's Tooth

    Dragon's Tooth Well-Known Member

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    I've been told that I have missed out a few times over the course of my life on people who were flirting/putting it out there that they were interested. I kind of know of a few that I know I let slip through my fingers because I didn't know how to reciprocate the flirting/attraction. But in the end I like that we aspies have to basically be hit over the head with a club so to speak. This means that only the really really interested people will get our attention which I think has a higher chance of success in the long run because it takes the other person heck of a lot to get our attention. my understanding of dating is that if your going to put that much effort in your probably not looking for a fling.

    then again we could be missing out on the perfect person for us. I'm inclined to go with probably not because if they were perfect they would still be knocking on our door ...
     
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  12. grisey89

    grisey89 Well-Known Member

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    Hi there,

    I know exactly what that feels like because I always had that problem as well before I started dating my boyfriend. I either came off too strong or I just giggled like a hyena which made it even more awkward. The best advice I would give to you is to not over think things too much. I have the same problem too and when I over think things, it just makes me feel even more nervous and results in an awkward situation. Go with the flow. Don't think about it at all and let things happen. The only things that I would avoid though is giggling way too much or acting too ditzy because it resulted in an epic fail for me in my good old single days. haha ;) I wish you all the best.

    Best wishes,

    Grisey89
     
  13. Soup

    Soup Well-Known Member

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    The thing I find weird with flirting (aside from all the strange grimacing) is that the person is showing that they're supposedly interested. In what, exactly? All they've done s spot me from across a room or they've seen me walk by. Great. I'd much rather meet someone who shares a common interest. For ex, if I'm taking oil painting classes & get to know a classmate, go for coffee a few times, go to an art gallery or a museum etc. & learn about this person that way. A strange guy who makes goo-goo eyes because he apparently likes the way my but looks in my jeans or he has a boob thing going on, is not someone who necessarily wants to get to know me as a human being: he wants to hopefully get some quick...action...& expend as little effort or money or time in order to do so & them move on to the next score.
     
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  14. Nolan1971

    Nolan1971 Well-Known Member

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    I agree about common interests all the dates I have had have been with women I became friends with first including my
    ex wife. I knew she was interested due to the black & blue marks she left on my arm getting my attention.
    She was anything but subtle but I liked that.:D
    When she gave another male student a black eye for pulling a chair out from under her I was so hooked!
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2012
  15. tfas

    tfas Well-Known Member

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    Not only have I been told that I have missed a few cues that someone was flirting with me, I am not so sure that I know how to flirt. I feel like the only few times I flirted it was either done on purpose and I looked stupid, or I looked great at flirting, but had no idea I was flirting. Maybe the key is to do it without thinking about it, but I'm not even sure how to do that.
     
  16. smith2267

    smith2267 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah. I just walk up and sniff her butt, see if she's in season.
     
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  17. Yoshi08

    Yoshi08 Well-Known Member

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    im terribly cluless with flirting. i never flirted with anyone, just something i dont understand or catch a girl diong to me. so clueless about it.. i rather just talk and not play games.
     
  18. Undiagnosed

    Undiagnosed Well-Known Member

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    LOL!!! OOO your funny



    All I can say is I feel bad for you aspie guys..... I mean Pella you are just cute.. If you appear embarassed and or shy thats cute and the guy's probably gonna like it. If you appear standoffish that could be seen as playing "hard to get" and the guys peobly gonna try harder..... You really can't loose....... LOL....Guys.... sorry it must be hard I think online might be the easies way to start talking to someone for you guys.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2013
  19. Lisa Lacertilian

    Lisa Lacertilian Well-Known Member

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    I don't know how I started but at some point I realised that I could flirt really really easily, and after all my teenage years of being selective mute and having no boyfriend this amazed me. I didn't realise I had it in me.
    Men have always approached me but I never realised that they liked me that way, then I started to understand when they did.

    Once I learned I had aspergers, (6 months ago aged 26) I realised that I had been using flirting as a tool to survive social situations. Men would come to me and I wouldn't have to make the first step of speaking to girls or guys at a social event, I could just get through it speaking to men in a flirtatious way...which kept them interested and kept me from standing awkwardly in the corner.

    But I was desperate to make girl friends and now realise that this tool was probably not going to get me any female friends. I guess as a female with aspergers it can be much easier to find a partner since traditionally men come to talk to you first.

    I ended up with a controlling boyfriend, who refused me to talk with other men. This put an end to my new social skills almost immediately and i didn't know how to cope, depression, anxiety etc followed eventually leading me to seek my diagnosis.
     
  20. Daniel

    Daniel Well-Known Member

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    Geez...flirting... I empathize with all those on this thread who feel baffled by it, and thank you all for sharing! I may do pretty well in some areas, but this one is a serious Achilles heel for me. I am extremely grateful that I found true love and got married without having to engage in society's mating rituals! We ended up doing an old-fashioned courting without either of us even realizing it.

    I never understood this one at all when I was younger, and it's still just a weird intellectual exercise for me. I got really lonely after high school, so I did a ton of online research on improving social skills and tried to figure out what this "flirting" thing was they talked so much about. I don't think I ever feel more "Aspie" than when I read stuff about dating, and what's actually involved in flirting and the kind of social stuff that NTs do.

    It bugs when I can tell that someone is trying to make me react in a certain way. I hate feeling like I'm being manipulated, even if it's a "nice" manipulation. But I love it when flirting-type behavior just emerges naturally because you meet someone you click with, and you naturally feel good being with them.

    I didn't know I was an Aspie until recently, so before that, I chalked up my lack of sociability to growing up in an insulated Christian household where any kind of mention of sex or even dating was taboo. So not only was I an Aspie, which makes it difficult for me to do most social things, but I also had an environment where dating simply wasn't done. The only friends I had were guys who were into the same things I was, and I had no idea how to interact with girls. I didn't even realize that people went to bars to do anything but drink and play darts!

    What's worse--apparently, I'm good-looking. I say "apparently" because eventually, enough external evidence piled up that I had to warm up to that conclusion. But it's not part of my self-concept or self-image at all. I'm pretty sure that when you're good-looking, the last thing people expect is that you have limited social skills. So I've had a ton of encounters with women of all ages who want to interact with me, and I've doled out an awful lot of rejection, sometimes without realizing it, the rest of the time, because I have little desire to interact with strangers. I'm amazed at how many super-pretty girls consider me in their league.

    Being married is great, because now I'm supposed to ignore other women, but there's still that brand of flirting women do that's done for fun and not with intent. I can't tell the difference at all, and I don't have much ability to respond to it, regardless of intent. It's weird to me that people want to befriend someone just because they look pretty.
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2013
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