How do People Recognise Flirting?

[Ereth]

Whenever I get confused, I ask my boyfriend to tell me. It's becoming less necessary now, though, because I've learned how he flirts.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Yes I know a flirt when I see one, but sometimes I wish I didn't because most men aren't that good at it. Not that I could do any better - so I don't. One of the big flirts they teach (girls) is to smile while looking someone in the eye then look away and look back again. Also to play with your hair and brush it back with your hand all while looking at the person and smiling. You can also wink at them (while smiling) hoping the other person won't think you have something in your eye. It's all acting, if you ask me, and very fake. I figure if someone is too good at flirting, then they must work it on a lot of women and I'm just not interested.

 

[Rudy Schmidt]

Yes I know a flirt when I see one, but sometimes I wish I didn't because most men aren't that good at it. Not that I could do any better - so I don't. One of the big flirts they teach (girls) is to smile while looking someone in the eye then look away and look back again. Also to play with your hair and brush it back with your hand all while looking at the person and smiling. You can also wink at them (while smiling) hoping the other person won't think you have something in your eye. It's all acting, if you ask me, and very fake. I figure if someone is too good at flirting, then they must work it on a lot of women and I'm just not interested.

I actually have heard about the smiling and looking away and back before. It's supposed to show that you're interested, but shy about it. I figure if you see somebody who appears interested in you but shy about it, it opens the door for you to go over and strike up a conversation, if you're interested.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

If I'm interested in someone I'm just going to say something whether its email or a handwritten note. Sending the handwritten note has been kinda fun actually because of the secrecy and it has never failed to get me a date. If a guy is interested in me, just come up and talk to me and stop playing all the games. Now, once I'm going out with someone - I would love to flirt with him (but only him.)

I actually have heard about the smiling and looking away and back before. It's supposed to show that you're interested, but shy about it. I figure if you see somebody who appears interested in you but shy about it, it opens the door for you to go over and strike up a conversation, if you're interested.

 

[Peace]

There is a whole other aspect here, and that is how ones actions are being interpreted. Between not recognizing what is flirting and what is not, and having NO clue how my actions are being interpreted by others, I am clueless as well. '
Good luck with this one!

 

[icesyckel]

This is something I am completely clueless about. Not only is it difficult to recognise when flirting is happening, but what constitutes flirting in the first place? What do people do when they flirt? How does one classify a social action as "flirting"? Is it flirtacious to pet a man's hair if one is a female? How does one know if others are misinterperiting one's own actions as flirtacious, and how does one know if oneself is indeed flirting? Any help, please?

Trial and error; observation and experimentation. I apply this same methodology to all social interactions that I do not understand. I find it very effective albeit slow.

 

[Harrison]

I am totally unaware if someone is flirting, usually someone else will prod me and point it out.

As a teenager I had no chat up lines and would just wait until some girl asked me out, served me well enough through the years

Having said that, I am, apparently, an outrageous flirt even though I have no idea what I'm doing that's flirtacious.

Way too complicated

 

[icesyckel]

I am totally unaware if someone is flirting, usually someone else will prod me and point it out.

As a teenager I had no chat up lines and would just wait until some girl asked me out, served me well enough through the years

Having said that, I am, apparently, an outrageous flirt even though I have no idea what I'm doing that's flirtacious.

Way too complicated

I think one of the few things going for me is that complex social interactions are one of my "obsessions." I didn't get them as a child - at all - but that made them something of a fascinating mystery.

One of the questions I found myself most asking myself as a child was, "What brought that on?"

I literally had no idea when someone was flirting vs. making fun of me vs. outright bullying me (at least in the beginning).

If you are on the spectrum and need something to obsess over, then make this it (I know we don't really choose). It makes things easier when you analyze and mull over every such interaction that could be flirting. Sometimes you can learn than which does not come naturally. In fact, I think you can learn it better b/c you aren't relying on instinct.

 

[Harrison]

I just find it very complex. Read a book or two about signals in the mating game, it was easier to learn Java from scratch!

 

[icesyckel]

I just find it very complex. Read a book or two about signals in the mating game, it was easier to learn Java from scratch!

I agree very complex, but then simple is so boring. If it was easy or simple, then it wouldn't be any fun at all.

My advice? Ditch the book and do flirting the Aspie way: direct and to the point. A buddy in college dared me to get a girl's number. He bet me dinner and drinks I couldn't get it. Obviously, to do so I needed to flirt.

I walked up to this girl and said, "Hello. I think you are gorgeous, and my buddy dared me to ask you for your number, so if you give it to me then this is a win-win for me. Now, are you going to crush my hopes and dreams in front of my buddies, or will you play along, give me your number, and maybe even let me take you to a dinner for which I will actually pay? If you like, I will even wear a jacket, get your door, and let your friends vet me first. If you have a boyfriend, then I promise to be discreet."

It's been a while, but it was pretty close to that and it worked. She was laughing well before I finished. Believe it or not, total honesty rarely fails.

 

[Harrison]

I agree very complex, but then simple is so boring. If it was easy or simple, then it wouldn't be any fun at all.

My advice? Ditch the book and do flirting the Aspie way: direct and to the point. A buddy in college dared me to get a girl's number. He bet me dinner and drinks I couldn't get it. Obviously, to do so I needed to flirt.

I walked up to this girl and said, "Hello. I think you are gorgeous, and my buddy dared me to ask you for your number, so if you give it to me then this is a win-win for me. Now, are you going to crush my hopes and dreams in front of my buddies, or will you play along, give me your number, and maybe even let me take you to a dinner for which I will actually pay? If you like, I will even wear a jacket, get your door, and let your friends vet me first. If you have a boyfriend, then I promise to be discreet."

It's been a while, but it was pretty close to that and it worked. She was laughing well before I finished. Believe it or not, total honesty rarely fails.

I might be a bit too old to get away with that now, but I admire your style!

I could vary the technique -
'Excuse me, but could you help me get up out of this chair?'
'Wow, is that really your hair or are my cataracts playing up?'
'I'd love to take you to dinner, you could chew my food for me'

Might give it a go. (I shall bin the books)

 

[icesyckel]

I might be a bit too old to get away with that now, but I admire your style!

I could vary the technique -
'Excuse me, but could you help me get up out of this chair?'
'Wow, is that really your hair or are my cataracts playing up?'
'I'd love to take you to dinner, you could chew my food for me'

Might give it a go. (I shall bin the books)

You know, a couple of those might actually work. I can't tell you how many times I was being dead serious, and a girl thought I was joking, and somehow I realized we were flirting. I think that's why the direct approach works for me. It is like they think I am being silly but slipping in the truth that I am interested. Alternatively, maybe they think it is just me being bold/confident?

In truth it is the law of averages. If you tell enough girls that they are pretty (works better with age I am sure), then sooner or later one will be grateful enough to accept a dinner invitation.

I especially think the ones about cataracts and chewing food will work for you. Just don't ask them to actually chew your food.

 

[Mattymatt]

I learned how to recognize flirting but it's something I have difficulty putting into words. And, I don't know that I'm necessarily right. When the flirting happens, it's almost a 6th sense radar picking it up.

When a woman is flirting with me, I've observed her making strong, alert eye contact. Her eyes almost take on a sparkle. She may even be smiling coyly.

 

[icesyckel]

I learned how to recognize flirting but it's something I have difficulty putting into words. And, I don't know that I'm necessarily right. When the flirting happens, it's almost a 6th sense radar picking it up.

When a woman is flirting with me, I've observed her making strong, alert eye contact. Her eyes almost take on a sparkle. She may even be smiling coyly.

I don't think it is possible to know that one is necessarily right, but I do believe through trial and error you can develop a sense for it even if you didn't come by it naturally. Problem is, "trial and error" in this context is intimidating for some. This is where being an aspie can help. Sometimes I don't get nervous when an NT would. I used to get nervous at first, but unlike an NT, I am really driven by results/outcomes. I learned early on that flirting with a total stranger is a statistics game. Even hollywood stars and supermodels don't have 100% chance of success here. I mean, at least 5/10 peeps you meet are already involved with someone. The remaining 50% aren't all going to be into any one type of physique or personality. Ergo, with less than 50% odds of success, you just keep expanding the pool. When I was a teen, I used to go to an amusement park (had a season pass) and would keep flirting with girl after girl until, eventually, success. Any rejections were probably from out of state anyway, and even if in state, what were the odds I'd see them again?

Bottom line, when I advise practice, this is really something I actually did practice at. By the hundreds. Obsessively.

 

[Kouryuu]

I've never been able to recognise it. My old mate used to tell me all the time and I'm like "wha?". I guess it also stems from me being unable to accept that someone could actually find me attractive or good enough to be interested in. I've also unintentionally flirted a lot (i've been told). I've probably confused a whole bunch of girls...
Now I feel like an asshole, hah.

 

[Peace]

I've never been able to recognise it. My old mate used to tell me all the time and I'm like "wha?". I guess it also stems from me being unable to accept that someone could actually find me attractive or good enough to be interested in. I've also unintentionally flirted a lot (i've been told). I've probably confused a whole bunch of girls...
Now I feel like an asshole, hah.

Don't feel too bad. I tried to be nice to my wife's friends and they went to her and told her that I was trying to have an affair. WHAT? I was blown away by this. How could people misinterpret my intentions so badly? Anyways, since we found out that I have Aspergers and my wife did some research, she realizes that it was not at all what it seemed. I would never do something like that and her friends were busy bodies that made a practice of talking behind peoples backs, and apparently were flattering themselves. Things worked out in the end, but I do not associate with those ladies at all.

 

[Marycv]

I have difficulty with this as well. If someone was flirting with me I wouldn't even know it.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I admit i've never understood flirting. For instance, I might get that people across the room are flirting, but I don't get why or what point it serves and half the time, if not most of the time, i'll just think it looks silly. I don't get what actions bring about what responses, stuff like that. I've never attempted flirting because i'd need a script in order to do it. I certainly wouldn't recognize it if someone did flirt with me, that's for sure. This is actually the reason why at 23 i've never dated anyone, the entire realm of dating is just too confusing to even consider getting into.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I think that's why I fell madly in love with my first girlfriend, because there was no superficial flirting. She expressed in no uncertain terms her desire for me. It made sense; it was clear and concise.

That is what flirting is to me!
My style of flirting would be: Person 1: "You are sexually attractive."
Person 2: "Thank you, so are you."

No, I haven't actually had that verbal exchange with anyone.

 

[Ereth]

That is what flirting is to me!
My style of flirting would be: Person 1: "You are sexually attractive."
Person 2: "Thank you, so are you."

No, I haven't actually had that verbal exchange with anyone.

Someone needs to make a film with that exchange in it.