How Do I Help My Young Adult Son????

[Mrshabi]

I am a mother of a 20 year old son with Asperger’s. Finding help is like finding a needle in a haystack. Anyway, we have a dilemma coming up and we, (My husband, myself and our son) don’t know what to do. We are retired military so until he turns 21 he is considered a dependent with all benefits. We have figured out the medical side, because we just have to pay a small amount extra to keep him on our plan. However, his job currently is working at the base grocery store bagging groceries for tips which really for now has been ideal. As long as he is a dependent he can continue to work once he turns 21 he loses his id card unless of course he is enrolled in school full time. He doesn’t know what he wants to do, he does know he doesn’t want to waste any more time in school. He spent 3 semesters in school and $40,000 and failed 90% of them. He doesn’t seem to see the importance of us taking action now and not in December when he turns 21. I have tried to explain to him:

1. If he doesn’t go to school he must pay rent, therefore he must have a job

2. He doesn’t have to have his whole life “career” figured out right now, just something to make a decent wage.

3. He does have choices, he could sign up for full time classes and retain his id and his current job or find a new job.

Any ideas????? Those of you adults Aspies’s, please give this old NT mom some grace, I am just wanting to help him and I don’t know how. ;-)

 

[Flower44590]

I am a mother of a 20 year old son with Asperger’s. Finding help is like finding a needle in a haystack. Anyway, we have a dilemma coming up and we, (My husband, myself and our son) don’t know what to do. We are retired military so until he turns 21 he is considered a dependent with all benefits. We have figured out the medical side, because we just have to pay a small amount extra to keep him on our plan. However, his job currently is working at the base grocery store bagging groceries for tips which really for now has been ideal. As long as he is a dependent he can continue to work once he turns 21 he loses his id card unless of course he is enrolled in school full time. He doesn’t know what he wants to do, he does know he doesn’t want to waste any more time in school. He spent 3 semesters in school and $40,000 and failed 90% of them. He doesn’t seem to see the importance of us taking action now and not in December when he turns 21. I have tried to explain to him:

1. If he doesn’t go to school he must pay rent, therefore he must have a job

2. He doesn’t have to have his whole life “career” figured out right now, just something to make a decent wage.

3. He does have choices, he could sign up for full time classes and retain his id and his current job or find a new job.

Any ideas????? Those of you adults Aspies’s, please give this old NT mom some grace, I am just wanting to help him and I don’t know how. ;-)

I can't give you advice but maybe I can give you insight. When I read what you are saying to doesn't make sense, kind of.

Why go back to school and spend all of that time and energy on school when it might not even benefit him in the end? Why go to school and try to perform well when there is no innate desire to be there? That does sound exhausting. Utterly exhausting. So exhausting in fact, he might just think it a better use of his time and energy to enjoy his current circumstance, rather than worry about certain future predicaments.

As for him having choices here is how I would feel in that situation: I've got two choices- go to school and be miserable or work and be miserable or just be happy right now.

Try communicating your concerns with him in a very clear and concise manner. Maybe he is thinking on a whole different dimension then you are and your expectations aren't event something he's considered.

 

[Flower44590]

*it does, not to doesn't.

 

[Vanilla]

Hi

It seems you need to find a way to help him understand the gravity of the situation. I'm sure you've tried talking already, but I find that sometimes people (especially inexperienced people), aren't aware of how bad things can be, until they're bad. It seems he's used to the comfort of the safety net, and perhaps does not understand what it's like to be without it. Of course, you want to avoid things being bad, but perhaps it would be beneficial to find ways to show him that you won't be able to support him for much longer. There's only so much you can do though. If he isn't willing to heed your warnings, it will ultimately be him who will struggle later.

 

[Ereth]

You could try finding an employment counselor. It sounds like your son needs someone who can help him understand that he can't put off this decision much longer.

You might also try browsing this website:

Welcome | Asperger EmploymentAsperger Employment | promoting employment for adults with Asperger Syndrome and high functioning autism

 

[Mrshabi]

Vanilla, My biggest fear is him not being able to "be on his own" and yet I can't bring myself to dish out "school of hard knocks". Especially when I know that he like all/most Aspies processes things differently. We had an occupational therapist who was going to start working with him on "life" training, for lack of a better word. It basically took the "mom" out of the training picture. The problem is that my husbands job moved us away and I have been unsuccessful in finding another one or a willing son to go. He reminds me of a carefree 16 year old, but I assume that doesn't mean he will ever think like an "NT Adult". Sorry guys, I don't want to offend anyone, I just want to understand how I can reach him better, the way he thinks and needs. I am not trying to get him in anyway to change...at least I don't think so.

Ereth, Thank you for the website, I did spend quite a bit of time last night going through the different sites from that web site. I did look up DHS and unless I am reading the site wrong, there isn't any help from the state for people with Asperger's. They make it sound like it's for people with physical differences.

I don't know maybe my lot in life as a mother is to figure out a way to help people with Asperger's get the resources they need to work, live on their own, etc. (babbling sorry)

 

[dragonwolf]

First, take a step back and make sure you're not babying him, or talking in a way that doesn't make sense to him. You're doing him no favors if you are (and unfortunately, a lot of parents do it, because they feel that their "special" child can't handle it, because they're different -- those of us with "disabilities" are a lot more capable than people give us credit for, we just sometimes need a little help in the logistics and execution).

There's a scene in the show Glee (if you have Netflix, it's season 1, episode 8), where Sue (the cheerleading coach) has recruited a girl with Down's Syndrome, Becky, and is currently coaching the girl in her usual, nearly-abusive fashion, the same way she coaches all her girls. "Those better be tears of joy! Harder! Faster!" Becky's trying to jump rope, "but it's hard, coach." "You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and getting told they're going in another direction. That's hard!"

It doesn't sit well with Will, the glee club coach (who is currently teaching said glee club what it's like to be wheelchair-bound like one of their classmates), and he suggests that Sue lighten up on her, because she's not like everyone else. To which Sue scoffs, "you're asking me to treat her differently, because she has a disability? It seems to me that she just wants to be treated like everyone else." (It's later revealed that Sue's older sister has Down's Syndrome, and has seen what it's like when people treat those with disabilities differently.)

In short, don't sugar-coat things. Be very blunt, very verbose, even to the point that it feels absurd and obvious to you. If he's in need of some tough love lessons, then he's in need of them. Don't hold back because he has Asperger's, just adjust your approach.

It may be that what he needs for it to sink in is a sort of "independence simulation" thing, where you and he has to act as though he's already 21.

Here's an idea of how to go about it:

1. For the sake of the simulation, we'll say his current job is one he's found while "on his own."
2. Set up a rent fee and schedule. You can also include an amount for utilities, health insurance, etc (for more realism, make them separate). What you do with the money is up to you, but I'd say stash it in a savings account for when he's really on his own.
3. Have him buy (and if he doesn't already, make) his own food, groceries, etc.
4. Have him secure his own transportation to places.

For the costs that you have control over, I'd say scale them down to fit into his income, but don't make it too easy. If he makes $100 a week, for example, then make his "rent" $100, "utilities" $25, and "insurance" $50 a month, and make sure to set and stick to due dates (don't make them all the first of the month, either), and don't forget late fees. It needs to be tough enough to require him to think about how to manage things and not just save all his money all month, then pay all the bills on the first. Make sure all the rules are clear at the outset, though, so he knows what to expect. You can even go over actual bills at some point and show him how to find that kind of information.

It all depends on how he learns, and given that he failed pretty miserably in a traditional school like setting, I'd venture to guess that he learns by doing, or some other method than a lecture. Find that way he learns best and communicate that way. You'll probably get a lot farther.

 

[reveric15]

What are his obsessions and interests? Most if not all Aspies have such interests which drive them. The great thing about these interests is that, no matter how unimportant they may be to NT society, you don't have to justify their value to him. Currently you are having a problem justifying the value of education, future planning and employment. If you can somehow connect what drives him with the values you need him to acquire,you will likely have more success.

Does he drown himself in video games? Sign him up to work at a video game store! He will he highly valued there. Does he go crazy over a particular field of history? Find a college where he can major in it. Does he have any friends at all? Ask them what drives him; they'll know better than anyone.

Also realize that this dilemma is not at all limited to his being an Aspie. This is not uncommon behavior along millennial NTs. We (I am 28) have a hard time getting into the world on our own because we have grown in a very protective and nurturing world. We are not equipped for a post-recession adulthood; we were taught to follow our dreams, and that all other work is meaningless. We were taught to go to college; if we didn't make it, we had no plan B. We were taught to be dependent upon our families; we have a hard time making it on our own, especially those of us from upper-middle class families.

I hope that helps to broaden the discussion and bring hope, in that your son's problems are not as unique as you think, despite his Aspergers.

 

[paloftoon]

Mrshabi, what country are you in? If you are in the US, I may be able to answer you more. If not, I do not know of the potential services available in other parts. As time goes on, there is more for adults than there has been before, but overall it's still hard to find the right kind of help. It also takes time. Some things will depend on the individual themselves, and some will come from the support that can be found. There is certainly no one magic answer unfortunately.

For schooling, if he enjoys certain things but maybe doesn't like to take too many things, I would only focus on like 1 or 2 courses at a time if he was taking a regular schedule beforehand. I would also consider community college since that is much cheaper. If he is interested in trades, consider a trade school but see how flexible they'd be willing to work with his schedule, but it's not worth it for your son to be taking so many courses if he can't retain.

It might be worth it for him to risk doing a short term internship where he can build his skills to do a job potentially. The internship might not be paid in many cases. It is a risk if he can get such a position. Bagger will not suffice for a job unless he is collecting disability basically.

Give him as many feasible options as possible, but it seems it is to the point where your son has to make some hard decisions based on what he has to work with. Oh and I didn't realize how old your post was until now, Well at least I'm trying