Doing things you're not interested in

[Masked Man]

Hi everyone,

I had a question for everyone here and what are your thoughts/opinions on this.

I was talking to a (male) friend of mine - he is ND - and we were discussing relationships and the compromises you have to sometimes make. According to him, he very much likes his partners to like the same things he does and likes for them to go with him to events he wants to go to. He says this is important to him in order for him to have a relationship with someone.

However, I asked him if he would do things with his partner (a woman) if they were things she enjoyed but that he did not necessarily enjoy. He said probably not. I asked him why not. He said that was too much like a transactional expectation and he didn't want that.

I disagreed but didn't argue with him. To me, this is not transactional - it's reciprocal. You do things with the other person because they enjoy it and it makes them happy. They, in turn, do the things you want to do, even if it's not necessarily their thing. Both parties want to be cared for, and they take turns doing the caring.

What do you all think of this? It seems like NDs have a hard time with this concept.

 

[Darkkin]

Doing something you don't particularly like to please another person is a form of compromise that is essential in a healthy relationship.

If they can't do that, it is a serious caution marker that maybe:

1.) The individual isn't emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship

2.) It is an indicator of sociopathic or narcissistic traits or inherited entitlement.

3.) The partner always compromising their wants and needs is dealing with emotional issues, people pleasing tendencies, codependency, avoidant behaviours, etc...

All of which can impact and amplify the effects of 1 - 3.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hi everyone,

I had a question for everyone here and what are your thoughts/opinions on this.

I was talking to a (male) friend of mine - he is ND - and we were discussing relationships and the compromises you have to sometimes make. According to him, he very much likes his partners to like the same things he does and likes for them to go with him to events he wants to go to. He says this is important to him in order for him to have a relationship with someone.

However, I asked him if he would do things with his partner (a woman) if they were things she enjoyed but that he did not necessarily enjoy. He said probably not. I asked him why not. He said that was too much like a transactional expectation and he didn't want that.

I disagreed but didn't argue with him. To me, this is not transactional - it's reciprocal. You do things with the other person because they enjoy it and it makes them happy. They, in turn, do the things you want to do, even if it's not necessarily their thing. Both parties want to be cared for, and they take turns doing the caring.

What do you all think of this? It seems like NDs have a hard time with this concept.

It is nice when you do have common interests. However, with my wife and I, we are not interested in the same things. It's only been a few occasions when we've come together and honestly enjoyed the same experience at the same level.

I know my wife has been supportive and been there to share things I am interested in, and I have been supportive and been there to share things she has been interested in. It's a 2-way street. Give and receive.

I support her special interests and she supports mine. It's something we do for each other as one element of our relationship. "Outward" thinking, not "inward" thinking.

I wouldn't characterize this as a ND or NT issue, but more individualized.

 

[The Pandector]

You’re right. Every relationship - especially the good ones - are give and take.

But that doesn’t say enough. It’s when you’re out doing that stuff that isn’t really your thing that being with that person causes you to grow. Besides patience, you may also learn that you’ve found something new in the world that excites you. And you get the double pleasure of watching your mate do something they love and of giving them pleasure.

 

[Forest Cat]

You do things with the other person because they enjoy it and it makes them happy.

I think this makes sense.

 

[Masked Man]

I wouldn't characterize this as a ND or NT issue, but more individualized.

You're right and I wanted to put this in here that I in no way meant my comment to be offensive or bigoted. My apologies on that. When I wrote that I was thinking specifically of my friend, and one other online friend, who have a similar opinion. So a sample of 2 is hardly a population and my comment was something more like a sweeping generalization.

 

[marc_101]

It seems very black and white. The longer you are with somebody, the more likely it is that one has to do things we don't like. It doesn't seem realistic to have a long-term relationship in which all interests are shared. On the other hand, it doesn't seem realistic either to be in a long-term relationship in which no interest is shared.

 

[Jumpinbare]

My wife, unasked, got her Ham Radio license to talk with me when I was driving and she was home. I attempted to learn ballroom dancing for her, even though I have 3 left feet, no discernible sense of rythm, never like any group above 4 people, and have never had the slightest interesting in dancing. I didn't complain, and I tried my best to learn the moves, but on the way home from lessons one night, she said, "We don't need to keep putting you through that."
I told her I'd get it, but she said I couldn't enjoy it, and she didn't want that.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

With my wife and I, I guess I wouldn't characterize sharing experiences one or the other is not interested in, as "like or dislike", per se. Again, I think that if you really care about the other person, and you see them happy and enjoying themselves, especially because you are there sharing the experience, it's no longer about you. You are happy that the other person is happy. "Outward" thinking.

I remember years ago when I was racing my modified Ford Mustang on the track. On occasion, I would take it out on the street, cruise events, etc. The car was a noisy, uncomfortable beast, scary fast, but it was my car. I would put her in the passenger seat (another uncomfortable race seat, 5-point harness) and she would put up with me behind the wheel. Most of the time, I could tell it was a scary, white-knuckle experience for her and she didn't understand that it was "fun" to drift the car around a corner with the rear tires smoking. She was mostly silent with her eyes closed and her hands hanging on for dear life. Pretty much hated the experience, but she was there with me sharing the experience.

Well, one day, I had her drive the car. Starting out driving cautiously and not really pushing the car, then I had her pull into an empty parking lot and told her to rev the engine to about 2500RPM and drop the clutch while keeping her foot on the gas. She lit those tires up, the car stood still with the rear end floating around, filling the car with tire smoke, and looking over at her I could see her smile. She was in control of all that power and it was then she understood my passion and was enjoying every second of it.

 

[Gerontius]

My girlfriend loves pop music. I like antiques. We're both in love with each other and I have driven with my car windows down blasting her music because she's having a great time sharing it, and she's put up with me dragging my old wind up Victrola on a picnic just so I could share my music with her. Turns out we love seeing each other happy and being open to surprising ourselves with new delights.

And we're both autistic.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I met my spouse because I felt secure that nothing will happen and rejection would not hurt because I called about a transaction: Car pooling to a trail maintenance project. Little did I know it would end up being more since I was not looking for a relationship at the time, my coming out of a failed relationship. That let me be myself while also recognizing the interests we had in common. In the intervening years we have had a lot of shared experiences while we still support each other in our own interests. It is a good way to be and speaks to an immense trust we have in each other.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

My girlfriend loves pop music. I like antiques. We're both in love with each other and I have driven with my car windows down blasting her music because she's having a great time sharing it, and she's put up with me dragging my old wind up Victrola on a picnic just so I could share my music with her. Turns out we love seeing each other happy and being open to surprising ourselves with new delights.

And we're both autistic.

Nothing eliminates the fear of new things when you both delight in discovering things together. My spouse and I have had experiences like that and they are wonderful. One winter we sat down to choose plays we wanted to see in London. Along with seven plays in six days we went to see the oldest existing operating theater, enjoyed Dim Sum at Duddles, toured the Globe (seeing a dress rehearsal of Romeo and Juliet) and the National Theater, the Theater exhibit with the curator at Victoria and Albert, took in the Tate Modern, and the British Museum where we had a Cabinet of Curiosities tour before it opened. We were busy and enjoyed every second of it. While I have worked in Amersham, this was my spouse's first visit to England and we made the best of it.

 

[Fino]

I don't think that's transactional at all. I think it means you enjoy spending time with them no matter what you're doing.

 

[Tom]

Your friend sounds very self-centered.

But yeah it is something (in relationships) thats bound to come up. I think of it in terms of being fair and adressing the other's wants and needs as much as your own.

 

[Judge]

Few relationships prosper based on a premise of "my way or the highway". Unless perhaps one is dominant and the other submissive, far beyond any considerations of pleasure and pain.

Sounds like the OP's friend will have to learn some ugly lessons the hard way short of finding a clone of themselves. That compromise is inevitable, and not necessarily a bad thing to begin with.

When one doesn't ponder whether or not they are giving or taking more than 50% at any time. To just enjoy the moment, as others have mentioned.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I was racing my modified Ford Mustang on the track

What track? I like Gingerman Raceway near South Haven. I like the hairpin turn 10. You are running along the left and just as you think you are running out of track you turn-in to cut across the curve, maintaining momentum. The only thing I need to do now is put on a removable steering wheel to make getting into the seat easier, as I have the MR2 outfitted with racing seats and harnesses.

With only 187 hp and 111 lb-ft @ 4600 rpm I can't break the rear tires free easily but it is so well balanced that I can make up at least 1 car length on heavier cars like Mustangs in turns though I get blown away on straights. My competition are the Miatas and WRXs but I am much nimbler with the midship powerplant.

 

[Cryptid]

I disagreed but didn't argue with him. To me, this is not transactional - it's reciprocal.

Po-TAY-to, po-TAH-to.

They're the same thing, just from different perspectives.

 

[Au Naturel]

if he would do things with his partner (a woman) if they were things she enjoyed but that he did not necessarily enjoy

That's fundamental to any good relationship. I do things I do not enjoy because it matters to me that my wife is happy, not because I'm expecting an explicit reward. The reverse is true as well. I could always say "no," and sometimes I do. And she's definitely not afraid to say "no." Good relationships are not harmed by occasional refusal as long as it is good-natured.

I wouldn't do something with her that I positively hate, but then, she never asks. If a relationship is going to last, as long as they know what is hated, no partner is going to ask the other to do something they hate.

The "friend" sounds a bit self-centered.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

What track? I like Gingerman Raceway near South Haven. I like the hairpin turn 10. You are running along the left and just as you think you are running out of track you turn-in to cut across the curve, maintaining momentum. The only thing I need to do now is put on a removable steering wheel to make getting into the seat easier, as I have the MR2 outfitted with racing seats and harnesses.

With only 187 hp and 111 lb-ft @ 4600 rpm I can't break the rear tires free easily but it is so well balanced that I can make up at least 1 car length on heavier cars like Mustangs in turns though I get blown away on straights. My competition are the Miatas and WRXs but I am much nimbler with the midship powerplant.

Gingerman, Grattan, Blackhawk, and Mid-Ohio were relatively close by.

My car was an '89 Mustang. Naturally-aspirated 302 V8 bored .030" to a 306 (an actual 5L) and all the lightweight, high-strength internals. Lightweight aluminum flywheel, carbon fiber clutch and driveshaft for responsiveness. It last dyno'd at roughly 405hp and 385 ft-lb at 5800 rpm at the wheels. The car weighed in at roughly 2700lbs with fuel. Depending upon the event, SCCA solos, open track, American Iron Series, I could run between a 3.55-4.10 rear gear. The car was pretty much traction-limited with about 60/40 F/R weight distribution once the car was stripped out, so yeah, going into and out of corners was a bit hair-raising.

 

[Masked Man]

I guess to understand this better, the event in question in a concert. Apparently the girlfriend wants to see a band she likes. He doesn't like this band and is refusing to see them. Not because they're too loud, too expensive of a show, etc. He just doesn't like them.

He however, likes a genre of music that she is not a fan of. But she willingly went with him to a show of this genre, because he wanted to see them and he asked her to go.

He's upset now because SHE's upset with him for refusing to go with her to this show. He says the band just sucks and he refuses to see them. (She's paying for the ticket, BTW)

I told him my view is that he's basically refusing to spend time with her. All he has to do is go somewhere for two hours - the same that she did for him. And that's where he said that's a transactional relationship and he won't do it.

Now he's unhappy because she's asked one of her guy friends to go with her to the show.

He's just shooting himself in the foot here.