Okay, so I've been at this for over three years now. You'd think I'd be a pro by now, but alas, not yet!
I'm unsure of the best approach for broaching relationship issues with my bf whom we suspect is on the spectrum.
For some history, he was married and divorced shortly before we met. I suspected he had ASD after about 6 months of dating. At around a 18 months, he came to the realization he had many traits and agreed he was likely on the spectrum.
We've had our ups and downs and have worked through them. A pattern has emerged, though, where he gets defensive if I bring up anything he perceives as him being the problem. I've been somewhat successful in the past at redirecting his focus to the RELATIONSHIP rather than on him being the cause.
Part of our pattern is he doesn't seem to understand how NT's are. If I broach a concern where I need more of this or I need more that, he gets frustrated and thinks I'm unusually needy. I'm not. I'm just a run of the mill NT woman.
So recently, in good aspie fashion, he's been very fixated on his online business. Works crazy hours. I don't mind that. What I do mind is that his focus is clearly on his interests, his needs, his worries, etc. I just feel like he doesn't care in general. Essentially, I feel neglected.
If I'm doing something online, he asks, "Are you writing?" (I write for his website for extra $). So, of course, even his asking that ultimately has to do with him. I know this is a blind-spot.
How do people prefer to be approached about these things? Should I avoid the words "feelings" and "needs", etc? Should I go in with a proposed solution? Should I try to break this down as a cause and effect?
I'm looking for feedback because last night I had a meltdown and he asked me today what is wrong and I put off talking about it until tonight. I'm going to need to address this. I've been holding it in for a few months.
Any input is appreciated.
I'm unsure of the best approach for broaching relationship issues with my bf whom we suspect is on the spectrum.
For some history, he was married and divorced shortly before we met. I suspected he had ASD after about 6 months of dating. At around a 18 months, he came to the realization he had many traits and agreed he was likely on the spectrum.
We've had our ups and downs and have worked through them. A pattern has emerged, though, where he gets defensive if I bring up anything he perceives as him being the problem. I've been somewhat successful in the past at redirecting his focus to the RELATIONSHIP rather than on him being the cause.
Part of our pattern is he doesn't seem to understand how NT's are. If I broach a concern where I need more of this or I need more that, he gets frustrated and thinks I'm unusually needy. I'm not. I'm just a run of the mill NT woman.
So recently, in good aspie fashion, he's been very fixated on his online business. Works crazy hours. I don't mind that. What I do mind is that his focus is clearly on his interests, his needs, his worries, etc. I just feel like he doesn't care in general. Essentially, I feel neglected.
If I'm doing something online, he asks, "Are you writing?" (I write for his website for extra $). So, of course, even his asking that ultimately has to do with him. I know this is a blind-spot.
How do people prefer to be approached about these things? Should I avoid the words "feelings" and "needs", etc? Should I go in with a proposed solution? Should I try to break this down as a cause and effect?
I'm looking for feedback because last night I had a meltdown and he asked me today what is wrong and I put off talking about it until tonight. I'm going to need to address this. I've been holding it in for a few months.
Any input is appreciated.