being used by relatives for free??

[Mr Faramoose]

hello, ok, I'm a brittle asthmatic aspie, working voluntarily, but I'm now free for two weeks. Yesterday my grandfather called to ask if I would help to move some logs, not very many, only a few minutes work. The logs are from a tree being cut down by my uncle. He is getting paid to cut down the tree, by the woman who owns the house, this woman is a friend of my grandfathers. Hope that makes sense. The house is a couple of minutes walk for me. Now grandad said it would be a few minutes work, but it ended up being nearly three hours before I started wheezing [dangerous for asthmatics!] so I had to come home. Even after I had taken my inhaler my grandad still wanted me to help out the rest of the day, which he didn't mention in the phone call, he said ''it'll take a few minutes''. But then my uncle texted me tonight asking if I could help again tomorrow. Now I think, my grandad and uncle are using me, because my uncle will get paid, not me, and because I live so close by, it is convenient for me to help out, in his mind. However I feel that I am getting used and it isn't even for a friend of mine personally, it's some woman I've met just once before. Do you think I am being used for cheap labour because they assume I am bored at home whilst I'm away from the centre? Or that I am somehow obligated to help out because I live close by and must be bored in the day?:S

 

[Ereth]

I don't think you're obligated to do anything in this situation, especially since you have asthma. Perhaps you can help your grandfather and uncle---and your grandfather's friend---some other way. Then you can be helpful without having to hurt your lungs.

 

[Ste11aeres]

You have no obligation to help out.
And it is off-balance that your uncle is getting paid, and you aren't.

 

[Ylva]

Learn to say "no". They may seem to disapprove of it, but that is nothing next to the reaction you'll get if you tell them to go **** themselves – I speak from experience. Your life and health are more important than some shifting in primate dominance hierarchy, and the men will just have to deal with it.

 

[ZaphodsCloset]

One way of saying no is to say "yes, if [condition that would make you happy to do it]."

Yes, I'll help tomorrow if you pay me £n/hour including my labour for today and provide lunch.
Yes, I'll rake your lawn for a dozen of your wonderful blueberry muffins.
Yes, I'll fix your computer again after you curl up, die and compost yourself in my back garden to be converted into lovely heirloom tomatoes.

If they agree to pay an amount that makes you happy to do it, and feels enough to compensate for the exhaustion you'll feel afterward and everything else you'll have to put off, then you know they appreciate what you're worth.

 

[ZaphodsCloset]

I just lost an edit about how people react when you start to set boundaries, and how to use the "broken-record technique" to respond in a way that's firm while saving you energy. Let me know if you'd like me to re-write that.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I just lost an edit about how people react when you start to set boundaries, and how to use the "broken-record technique" to respond in a way that's firm while saving you energy. Let me know if you'd like me to re-write that.

If you have it in it to re-write it, go ahead. It sounds like it could be interesting.

 

[manca]

I just lost an edit about how people react when you start to set boundaries, and how to use the "broken-record technique" to respond in a way that's firm while saving you energy. Let me know if you'd like me to re-write that.

I'd like to read it. Please re-write

 

[MoCoffee]

I should have an article on this in my paperwork from my last stay in the EDP in Ottawa. I'll try to find it if you don't have it to repost. There were a lot of other methods for dealing with people as well, and some of them are really helpful.

I just lost an edit about how people react when you start to set boundaries, and how to use the "broken-record technique" to respond in a way that's firm while saving you energy. Let me know if you'd like me to re-write that.

 

[ZaphodsCloset]

This was shorter and clearer yesterday. :-/ MoCoffee, I'd love to see that article.



BG:
When you start setting boundaries, most people closest to you will be surprised and do whatever they can think of to make you go back to being the way they'd always known you. Nobody loves change! Even someone who wants you to become more independent will balk when you're growing in ways that suddenly limit *them.* Their resistance is a good indication you're doing it right.

In my experience, it didn't work to ask for respect, or to request others stop taking advantage. People understand actions.


One way of responding is to use the broken-record technique. Whatever they come up with, you calmly, neutrally re-state your condition. Varying your words a bit is advanced; until your gut gets used to this, it's easier to use the exact same phrase each time, like a broken record.

"It's just a few more minutes and it'll give you something to do."
I'll help you tomorrow if you [your terms].

"That's ridiculous, you've nothing better to do anyway!"
I'll help you tomorrow if you [your terms].

"It's practically next door and it's good for you to get out."
I'll help you tomorrow if you [your terms].

"Don't you want to help an old lady?"
I'll help you tomorrow if you [your terms].

"You're being selfish, after all we've done for you!"
I'll help you tomorrow if you [your terms].

"Look, just try to understand, you don't have to work for money, but your cousin needs the money to feed his kids."
I'll help you tomorrow if you [your terms].

"OK be that way, we'll manage without you."
Have fun! (or something neutral; by this point I'd be tempted to start lecturing them about taking advantage of me, but doing that doesn't help.)

"All right all right, I'll have the cash for you in the morning."
See you then.

"If you insist, fine, but you'll have to wait until I get paid."
(Up to your judgment, but often this is a delaying technique just to get you to do what they want, then they'll "didn't realize you were serious" or "can't get it to you this time" or some other excuse. So you can specify you'll do it if they have the cash up front.)


Maybe your gf and uncle are more evolved than my relatives are, and you'll only need to go one or two rounds.

 

[MoCoffee]

This was shorter and clearer yesterday. :-/ MoCoffee, I'd love to see that article.

I think you did a great job of explaining this! I'm going to try to blog all of the different techniques I was given over the next few days.

Disclaimer.....I didn't write these coping strategies. I'm simply copying them from the handouts I was given.

 

[ZaphodsCloset]

I'm going to try to blog all of the different techniques I was given over the next few days.

Thanks MoCo, I look forward to it!

 

[OddmanJive]

I endorse the "broken record" strategy! I wish I'd had that years and years ago.

I am sympathetic to your situation, Mr. Faramoose. I used to be taken advantage of by my parents so often that I was glad to leave Oregon, where they live. I wasted years of my early adult life making their lives easier with work (mostly very hard manual labor, and unless I negotiated was it nearly always unpaid), whilst they did nothing for me beyond the occasional dinner and maybe a couple thousand dollars (over ten years) in loans to cover rent or groceries when I was underemployed. Even now, my mom will call with "questions" that she expects either me or my wife to find the answers to. We lead very busy lives, and while I'm glad to offer advice, it's a burden to do research online about software, computers, trouble-shooting problems, etc.

I was made to feel as though this was my duty as their only child. I was at least 30 before I realized that they should have been helping me and taking care of me through college and early adulthood. That's what their parents did for them. They bought the house they live in at below market from my mom's parents, with financial help from my step dad's parents. My step dad's father remodeled the house for them. Meanwhile, I worked 30+ hours a week, paid all my own tuition with tons of student loans, and lived on the edge for years. Now that I have my own child, I will NEVER manipulate her into doing things for me or her mother at the expense of her well-being.

 

[Cali Cat]

You're definitely not obligated to risk your health for anyone. IMO, it is very thoughtless of your family to ask you to do so.