1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Being "mothered" by people

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by SunnyDay16, Aug 29, 2018.

  1. SunnyDay16

    SunnyDay16 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    530
    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2015
    Karma:
    +1,146
    Something I've noticed happening to me is that I will attract women not much older than me who feel the need to "mother" me by asking me if I need help with something or if I'm okay. The female therapists and professionals tend to be like this too. They'll call me "honey" and "sweetie" and stuff, which is a bit weird because I'm not a whole lot younger than they are. This isn't the South either, so it's not like they're terms normally used here.

    I'm wondering if anyone else has went through this? It's comforting, but also unnerving because I try my best to appear competent and intelligent, but people (almost always women) seem to treat me like a child by trying to care for me or being overly nice. I wonder if I'm giving off a helpless sort of vibe or something, because I am pretty quiet and don't really talk unless someone talks to me first.

    It's possible I'm just overthinking it, because some people just have that caring bone in them that causes them to want to mother people. I sometimes want to do the same to those I feel bad for, even if I try not to do it because I don't want to come across as patronizing.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
  2. Gritches

    Gritches The Happy Dog V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,376
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2016
    Karma:
    +4,282
    I get it all the time, but it usually comes from women who are a bit older than me. And you know what? I'm fine with that dynamic. I eat it up, in fact. I'll let a bunch of women fight over who gets to be my new mother, no problem. It's just nice to have someone who is staunchly by my side rather than someone I have to play the dog-eat-dog social game with.
     
    • Like Like x 4
  3. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,359
    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2017
    Karma:
    +6,774
    I really hate it when anyone calls me "Honey" or "Sweetie" or anything like that. I always perceive it as condescending. I remember being 5 years old and hating how condescendingly adults would speak to me.
     
    • Agree Agree x 4
    • Like Like x 3
  4. SunnyDay16

    SunnyDay16 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    530
    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2015
    Karma:
    +1,146
    I do have to say that I prefer being when women are motherly to me than if they take me as competition, no matter if I find it a bit weird. I think they're coming from a good place, most of them anyways. I myself sometimes feel the urge to protect and nurture people when they are going through something bad or just look like they need it, but I am not as overt about it I guess.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  5. Illumination

    Illumination Autist

    Messages:
    77
    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2018
    Karma:
    +92
    I also get this quite a lot, and I tower over everyone (6'5"). I couldn't tell you why they do it to you, but I have very obvious social anxiety, and I do not really make much of an attempt to hide my Autistic traits in public.
    I do not really mind it.
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2018
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  6. SunnyDay16

    SunnyDay16 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    530
    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2015
    Karma:
    +1,146
    Do you get it from mostly women? Or men? I get it soley from women it seems.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  7. owlet

    owlet Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    166
    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2017
    Karma:
    +228
    I'm female, but I get the same thing. I don't mind it as long as the person isn't pushy and trying to force help on me. It's kind of nice in a way that people are almost always pleasantly surprised by my ability (it seems like they think I'm not going to be very good at most things).
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  8. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    7,139
    Joined:
    May 27, 2015
    Karma:
    +17,818
    You might be showing some sort of vulnerability that you are unaware of Sunny Day. When I was your age I noticed that older women often did that. Even thought I was eighteen at the time, I looked much younger.
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2018
    • Like Like x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
  9. SunnyDay16

    SunnyDay16 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    530
    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2015
    Karma:
    +1,146
    That's probably the case. I can give off a distressed look I think without meaning to especially when I'm anxious. I'm guessing that older women tried to mother you because you maybe reminded them of their own children or grandchildren thus kicking in their maternal instincts. For me though sometimes even women my own age give off the motherly vibe.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  10. SunnyDay16

    SunnyDay16 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    530
    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2015
    Karma:
    +1,146
    Yeah I do think that's not cool. I think it's sweet to want to nurture and look after somebody, but there's limits to that. If the person tells you to not do it and you still do it, that's not okay. You don't want to smother somebody.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  11. Sofi

    Sofi Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    71
    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2010
    Karma:
    +63
    I get this a lot too, from older friends (female) and sometimes even female friends who are younger than me. With friends, I'm never the 'mothering' friend, it's always the other friend being mothering towards me. I don't tend to mind it, it usually feels safe for me. It'd only be a problem if they somehow took it too far...
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  12. Jane Smith

    Jane Smith Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    121
    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2018
    Karma:
    +166
    People do this to me all the time and I hattteeee it. Soooo much.

    Like, I am a grown ass women.

    I do this kind of with my partner. I get very protective. Maybe I should back off a bit xD
     
    • Like Like x 2
  13. Graphin

    Graphin They're red can duck?

    Messages:
    657
    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2018
    Karma:
    +930
    Never really had it (even not really from my real mother), but it sounds much better than many of the other alternatives
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  14. Sid Delicious

    Sid Delicious Balloon animal safety control

    Messages:
    432
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2017
    Karma:
    +686
    I tend to be one of those annoying women that 'mothers' guys! Apologies on behalf of all of us weirdos with misplaced maternal instinct! :D For what it's worth, it isn't intentional or an attempt to seem patronising. It's just a habit. If someone seems a bit awkward, stressed or vulnerable in some way then I automatically get protective over them. It's certainly not because I consider them less intelligent or incompetent in any way, and for me it tends to be older rather than younger guys so it isn't anything to do with maturity. My ex found it incredibly annoying, so I do try to reign it in!
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
  15. OkRad

    OkRad μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος οὐλομένην V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,987
    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Karma:
    +5,556
    I get a slight variation where people will make wide, sweeping statements about what is best for me. It used to bother me because when I was young, I really thought people thought through things like us ND's do. I realize now that people do NOT think things through and just say stuff. So I just smile now and make a new friend. They can tell if I smile and say nothing that I am not going to take their advice but no offense taken!
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  16. Kirsty

    Kirsty ND

    Messages:
    1,601
    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2014
    Karma:
    +3,055
    After being so guarded for so long and loving myself more, I’m able to give to others now. I have a nurturing friend who has “fathered” my soul that helped me to grow again. I do love pet names and receiving them, but depending on how others use their tone. I’m glad no one has patronised me in that way, yet.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  17. Illumination

    Illumination Autist

    Messages:
    77
    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2018
    Karma:
    +92
    I would say I get it quite a lot more from Women, but I also get it sometimes from Men, but Men are much more reluctant about it, and constantly say "buddy".
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2018
    • Like Like x 2
  18. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    6,204
    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2015
    Karma:
    +14,557
    The answer lies in your own Avatar. Just give them the ol Evil Eye.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  19. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    25,822
    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2013
    Karma:
    +34,109
    I wouldn't mind.

    I only got mothered by my mother. Who has been gone a very long time.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  20. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Enjoying life and glad to be alive! V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,462
    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2018
    Karma:
    +4,594
    I hadn't thought of it as “motherly” before, but I know what you mean. People usually start off a bit cold and then after I’ve spoken a couple of sentences they can see I’m frightened and I can see their countenance change and they will become helpful and sometimes even kind. One time I was so frightened I kind of froze in place and the lady was so nice, she used a calm voice and told me that everything was fine over and over and I was able to get out of the store and go home.
    Over the phone even this can happen. I have to ask the receptionist or whoever I’m talking to, to speak slower or louder and then usually they “get it” and slow down and speak clearly. They probably think I’m hearing impaired when it’s actually a proccessing problem, but I’m just glad to be able to understand what they are saying.
    I never thought of it as motherly before, to me motherly means yelling and beating!
     
    • Like Like x 2