Being "mothered" by people

[Metalhead]

I only got that from my own mother, who called me sweetie and sunshine and telling me how much she loved me while ridiculing and dismissing every word that came out of my mouth. I do not want to be mothered by anybody if that is all I have to look forward to.

 

[Progster]

This is a cultural thing that varies from culture to culture, and here it's not common for terms of endearment to be used for adults, and especially since a few grey hairs have appeared it's not something that happens to me, in fact, I used to be able to get away with seeming a bit more child-like - gettting very enthusiastic about things and jumping around, for example, and I no longer can. Rather than being cute, people just think it's weird or inappropiate.

One thing that people do though, that drives me mad, is touching people at the same time at talking. By this, I mean tht they touch you on the arm or the shoulder. This, for me, does not have its intended effect, it just makes me uncomfortable - I have never liked being touched or poked by strangers. Almost everyone does this to me, but I NEVER do it to other people.

 

[Ylva]

Yes, and it's gross.

Where I used to live there were women who would sneak up behind me and rub their disgusting hand on my cheek. You may find it surprising, but it was soul destroying. It is no less creepy and scary than wheen men sneak up and pinch your but (which they once did with tongs), but at least you have legal protection against sexual harassment. There are no laws against trying to take over someone's body in less obvious ways, such as by pretending someone who is not a baby, is a baby.

It presumes incompetence. And by god did they enjoy it when I objected.

 

[interaural]

I get this quite a bit at work and, on the whole, I like it. I'm male, in my 50s and an academic. I tend to get mothered by female admin staff, of all ages. So I'll wander into the dept office looking a bit vague and an admin assistant in her 20s will ask if I'm OK and if I need any help. In my case, I think a lot of this is a gendered stereotype of the absent-minded male professor who doesn't quite live in the real world. I expect some of my colleagues might find it irritating but it works quite well for me.

 

[Amber123]

Agree.
This happens to me all the time. It especially doesn't help that I have a narcissistic and unloving mother. I don't like to feel helpless, but with having Asperger's and being neglected as a child, there are alot of simple tasks and life lessons I still need to learn, even basic hygiene and taking care of myself needs work sometimes. My mother would often move me from schools or activities if she saw I was becoming close with other people, including women taking care of me as a young child and friends when I was in school. My mother would sabotage any happy relationship I had. I do remember many women colleagues teaching me and taking me under their wing, but I've never held a job for very long and so it doesn't last beyond the convenience of the workplace. Whilst my view of what a mother daughter relationship should be is distorted, I do like others caring for me or at least showing some feeling towards me.. at least these relationships can go on for as long as I feel necessary, and I have an abundance of advice, experience and support when I need it.

 

[Mary Anne]

Something I've noticed happening to me is that I will attract women not much older than me who feel the need to "mother" me by asking me if I need help with something or if I'm okay. The female therapists and professionals tend to be like this too. They'll call me "honey" and "sweetie" and stuff, which is a bit weird because I'm not a whole lot younger than they are. This isn't the South either, so it's not like they're terms normally used here.

I'm wondering if anyone else has went through this? It's comforting, but also unnerving because I try my best to appear competent and intelligent, but people (almost always women) seem to treat me like a child by trying to care for me or being overly nice. I wonder if I'm giving off a helpless sort of vibe or something, because I am pretty quiet and don't really talk unless someone talks to me first.

It's possible I'm just overthinking it, because some people just have that caring bone in them that causes them to want to mother people. I sometimes want to do the same to those I feel bad for, even if I try not to do it because I don't want to come across as patronizing.

Wait, your therapists and clinicians call you “Honey” and “Sweetie?” Completely unprofessional and unethical. I work in this field and advise you to call them out on this. It’s unthinkable to call clients this! I advise YOU to install strong boundaries, and communicate immediately to anyone calling you these kinds of incapacitating words...to “STOP now.” By not saying nothing, you are giving permission for further condescending and minimizing treatment.

One could look at these terms as “endearing,” and “mothering,” or as incapacitating, keeping you in a helpless, immature, patronized, and weakened state. You certainly do NOT want to encourage this!

 

[SunnyDay16]

Wait, your therapists and clinicians call you “Honey” and “Sweetie?” Completely unprofessional and unethical. I work in this field and advise you to call them out on this. It’s unthinkable to call clients this! I advise YOU to install strong boundaries, and communicate immediately to anyone calling you these kinds of incapacitating words...to “STOP now.” By not saying nothing, you are giving permission for further condescending and minimizing treatment.

One could look at these terms as “endearing,” and “mothering,” or as incapacitating, keeping you in a helpless, immature, patronized, and weakened state. You certainly do NOT want to encourage this!

Not all of them do, only some of them. They don't call me those terms either, that's more for people who don't really know me, like strangers. The female therapists and professionals usually call me "my dear" and stuff. I should have been more specific about what I meant.

I would call them out on it if it really bothered me enough, but I'm not that bothered by it. It's a bit weird, but I don't get the feelings that they're being sinister in any way. If a man was doing it, I would be more alarmed I think, which I know is a double standard but men tend to use those terms in a sexist manner when they are talking to those they don't know like that.

 

[Mary Anne]

Not all of them do, only some of them. They don't call me those terms either, that's more for people who don't really know me, like strangers. The female therapists and professionals usually call me "my dear" and stuff. I should have been more specific about what I meant.

I would call them out on it if it really bothered me enough, but I'm not that bothered by it. It's a bit weird, but I don't get the feelings that they're being sinister in any way. If a man was doing it, I would be more alarmed I think, which I know is a double standard but men tend to use those terms in a sexist manner when they are talking to those they don't know like that.

Therapists and clinicians should also NOT be calling you “my dear.” This is inappropriate language and unprofessional regardless of their gender.

 

[Pats]

I was a nurse working in a large hospital and I hated when other nurses - ALL the nurses I worked with - talked babytalk (as I call it) to their patients. They might think it's nurturing to call people honey or sweetie or whatever, but I had many patients tell me that they appreciated that I talked to them like people and not children. And that high babytalk tone is nothing but degrading and disrespectful to an adult.
I adopted a large dog (pit/husky) and I left her name as her name was Honey. I loved that dog - she was my animal soul mate and I lost her earlier this year. But every time I used to call her name "Honey" I felt like this little ole toothless granny with a cane saying "honey". LOL So picture that next time you are called honey and maybe you'll just laugh instead.

 

[LadyBird84]

Lol no. Not the kind of people I would voluntarily spend my time with. I'm a bit too attached to my independence.

(Not to say that being caring is a bad thing! At all. I'm just not good with it.)

 

[sabrdawg]

I don't mind being called "honey" or "sweetie." I get it a lot, too, from medical professionals, servers, or anyone working to assist me somewhere. My doctor asked me, "how ya doin,' kid?" last time I saw him. I liked that I'm only 35, and many people mistake me for around 22, so I think that's why I get this a lot. I also act and feel much younger than my age, so I probably give off a childlike, playful vibe. On the flip side, I also get "ma'am" sometimes, and I HATE that. I'm not 60, lol!

 

[sabrdawg]

I just saw that you are 18....you're still very young! It's natural that people are going to view you as young, because of your age. Not saying that anyone should be patronizing, though, especially your peers. That said, enjoy it while you can! Better than having people push being grown on you too early...I HATED when people expected me to be "grown" at 18...I was nowhere near it!

 

[Mary Anne]

I don't mind being called "honey" or "sweetie." I get it a lot, too, from medical professionals, servers, or anyone working to assist me somewhere. My doctor asked me, "how ya doin,' kid?" last time I saw him. I liked that I'm only 35, and many people mistake me for around 22, so I think that's why I get this a lot. I also act and feel much younger than my age, so I probably give off a childlike, playful vibe. On the flip side, I also get "ma'am" sometimes, and I HATE that. I'm not 60, lol!

I detest “Ma’am” and I am 62! The “affectionate terms of endearment” are also quite regional in commonality if usage. For example, one is more accustomed in parts of the southern USA (Georgia, Arkansas, Texas, etc) for women to be called these names. In the big cities up north though, it’s much less used, and way less tolerated. I have bit my tongue when my neurosurgeon’s nurse calls me “dear.” He works with patients in excruciating pain, and so I give him a free pass.

When a client called me “hon” one too many times absent mindlessly, I had to have the talk. I feel bad for waitresses being called “hon, dearie, sweeties,” etc. from men all the time. It’s condescending and sexist.

In the mental health industry, or at an workplace it should not be used! So many reasons why. Even if I have childlike clients (and I do), I will carefully watch what I say, and how I say it. I will stop others from calling me that too, even though I do look 45 and want to look young, people called those crappy names even when I was in my youthful 20s.

 

[Icequeen]

51 and still getting that. Meh, it's okay though, I tend not to get offended by much of anything really. I always thought it could be because of my height too. I'm short, about 5' 1"....but it could be because when I'm out in public I'm always a little freaked out like a deer in the headlights...and maybe it shows.

 

[Bella Pines]

I get this too. Even women my age and younger tend to mother me, or say things like "how are you doing" with raised eyebrows and in a slowish way like they are talking to a child. I used to find it quite patronizing. However, since they are trying to be nice to me (I think) I have always tried to appreciate it.

I do think it's me, I definitely come across a lot younger than I am. I mostly have a wide eyed bewildered look, I like stuff that my kids are in to, like harry potter, marvel and lego. I like girly pop. And half the time I just don't get, or am not interested in all the pathetic stuff like office politics and gossip. So in my case I think it's that aspie child-like aura that makes them want to help me across the road. As long as they don't offer me a milk bottle or a chew toy then I suppose it's okay.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I get this too. Even women my age and younger tend to mother me, or say things like "how are you doing" with raised eyebrows and in a slowish way like they are talking to a child. I used to find it quite patronizing. However, since they are trying to be nice to me (I think) I have always tried to appreciate it.

I do think it's me, I definitely come across a lot younger than I am. I mostly have a wide eyed bewildered look, I like stuff that my kids are in to, like harry potter, marvel and lego. I like girly pop. And half the time I just don't get, or am not interested in all the pathetic stuff like office politics and gossip. So in my case I think it's that aspie child-like aura that makes them want to help me across the road. As long as they don't offer me a milk bottle or a chew toy then I suppose it's okay.

I have a feeling that Asperger's has something to do with it. I can have that same "wide eyed bewildered" look too when I'm confused or stressed, I just don't always realize it. I think they sense the childlike innocence that can accompany Asperger's so it awakens their motherly instincts, even though I'm not too innocent as I can be rather perceptive about people especially when I'm in a highly sensitive state.

When I was at a friend's birthday party his brother's girlfriend (who I'm guessing was in her 20s) called me "cute" and seemed really keen on getting to know me. She also called me "sweetie" and got me cake without me even asking for it. It was weird for me but I guess it was just her way of being friendly. That's when I started to notice this pattern of other girls being motherly towards me.

 

[Bella Pines]

I have a feeling that Asperger's has something to do with it. I can have that same "wide eyed bewildered" look too when I'm confused or stressed, I just don't always realize it. I think they sense the childlike innocence that can accompany Asperger's so it awakens their motherly instincts

Yeah completely agree! Maybe some of it comes from the fact that we don't get dragged into (or plain don't understand) politics or manipulation, and just take everything at face value. There's also a bit of wonderment at the world and it's complexities. Some things are amazing, some things just don't make sense.

I've also noticed a pattern of childlike interests in aspies. Like comic books, computer games and collecting toys, even as an adult. By nature, I shut myself off from pretty much everyone, so I had to make a real effort to spend time with my kids, even though I'm always borderline overwhelmed. And their toys and interests was always something we bonded over. It worked well at the time... unfortunately they grew up and left me behind!! So here I am skiving off work to see Antman and fumbling around looking for harry potter lego minifigs.

So here's to never growing up!

 

[Graphin]

I appearantly often look really creepy.
Tbh I'd be much more likely to approach people like described in the last 2 posts.

 

[keyinthelock]

In high school I was a member of the track team - for only one year, sadly, as the physical and emotional stress of practicing and competing became too much for me. On two separate occasions I got lost on the trail (once during practice and once during competition) and spent precious time deliberating on the proper path because I had no one to follow in front of me. I also frequently tripped while running.

During practices the upperclassmen - male and female - would guide me and give me tips in a way that was a lot more obvious and almost parental/sibling-like, most likely because I was visibly a ball of anxiety and social awkwardness with a constant doe-eyed look. I put up with it, but at one point I nearly snapped at an upperclassmen girl for trying to hurry me along after her with whistles and calls as if I was a golden retriever (that's how I saw it, anyway). I'm still a bit upset at myself that I let that go, though I also know that she had absolutely no intention of making it seem that way. I think she just got too into the 'mentor' role and didn't realize how her behavior would affect me. I was always good at putting up with other people anyway, regardless of how their behavior fell on the socially appropriate spectrum. Not like I had much of a leg to stand on in that regard.

 

[Horsegirl]

This happens to me a lot.
A couple girls seem to think I'm stupid or something.
Like the other day I was in gym class. I hate gym class, even though I love being active. It's the fact that it's so loud and crazy in gym.
Anyway, I was getting really scared in gym the other day. When I get a sensory overload I sometimes start to hyperventilate. And I was doing that.
Anyway, this girl came over and began talking to me like you would a 2 year old. I appreciate that she cared, but I'm not stupid and I don't want to be treated like I am!