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SofiaSwede

New Member
Hello everyone. I'm new to this site.
The reason i write here is because i feel so discouraged on a daily basis because my husband, who i do love very much, refuse to believe I have asperger.
I have no one to talk to and I'm wondering if there is anyone else out there that is going through the same thing as me? Or maybe been through it?

My husband is american and I'm currently living with him in usa.
I'm from another country and I got diagnosed with asperger when I was around 8 years old. I have trouble with socializing and I have sensory overload, I'm sensitive to sounds. I get exhausted by being in man-made environments.
Therefore school was very hard for me, the constant stress, anxiety and headaches I had to deal with because of my sensory overload.

Now when i tried telling my husband, that i have this, he try to say that the doctors are wrong, because my country is wrong. And that I just need to get stronger.
When sounds were physically hurting me I started covering my ears and he started screaming at me telling me I act like a little child.

I have tried bringing this up to him that I do have asperger, but I break down in tears because he doesn't understand and I'm so sensitive to rejection. He see me as weak and I believe he think I'm ridiculous. It's to the point he dont listen to anything I say, he responds annoyed I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
And i stay quiet because i don't want to be yelled at.
Sometimes he mocks me when I say something too. I cant talk to him.

Divorce is not a option! I just want to know what can i do? Is there a place in usa where i can reach out? I dont know much about how it works in usa.

I dont know anyone here except my husband and his mother. His mom is just the same behavior as him. I try to avoid her as much as I can.

It would be nice to have a friend that understands what it's like.
 
Firstly welcome to the site.
I have found this to be a friendly and helpful place.

Do have a look around for threads related to whatever you are looking for, there are lots of helpful threads here.

You might want to look at https://www.autistamatic.com/ for some helpful videos.

There are certainly folk here who will understand your experience.
 
May I ask why divorce is not an option? Because this does not sound like a relationship you should be in any longer than necessary.
 
Sadly the neurological divide between Neurotypicals and Autistic people is a big one. Where neither side seems to fundamentally have an understanding of the other's thought process.

There are three types of people to consider in terms of our autism:

1) Those who in very few numbers want to understand and will succeed.
2) Those in a few more numbers who want to understand and will fail.
3) Those of many who don't want to understand, expecting or demanding that you change how you think to conform to a social and neurological majority.

Where even the closest blood relative or the person you love may simply not understand. And it happens a lot. I'm afraid your husband sounds like a classic example of the kind of person who doesn't understand- and doesn't want to. Much like my own cousin. The one person in my social orbit right here in the same town. Making life tense, more often than not.

Unfortunately in your case, this sounds like an inherently toxic relationship for you to remain in. A "worst-case scenario". Even if you do love him. Divorce is not an option? You may eventually have to rethink that.

In the meantime perhaps, to consider legal separation at the very least. Maybe consult with an attorney over what this may involve.
 
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Hello everyone. I'm new to this site.
The reason i write here is because i feel so discouraged on a daily basis because my husband, who i do love very much, refuse to believe I have asperger.
I have no one to talk to and I'm wondering if there is anyone else out there that is going through the same thing as me? Or maybe been through it?

My husband is american and I'm currently living with him in usa.
I'm from another country and I got diagnosed with asperger when I was around 8 years old. I have trouble with socializing and I have sensory overload, I'm sensitive to sounds. I get exhausted by being in man-made environments.
Therefore school was very hard for me, the constant stress, anxiety and headaches I had to deal with because of my sensory overload.

Now when i tried telling my husband, that i have this, he try to say that the doctors are wrong, because my country is wrong. And that I just need to get stronger.
When sounds were physically hurting me I started covering my ears and he started screaming at me telling me I act like a little child.

I have tried bringing this up to him that I do have asperger, but I break down in tears because he doesn't understand and I'm so sensitive to rejection. He see me as weak and I believe he think I'm ridiculous. It's to the point he dont listen to anything I say, he responds annoyed I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
And i stay quiet because i don't want to be yelled at.
Sometimes he mocks me when I say something too. I cant talk to him.

Divorce is not a option! I just want to know what can i do? Is there a place in usa where i can reach out? I dont know much about how it works in usa.

I dont know anyone here except my husband and his mother. His mom is just the same behavior as him. I try to avoid her as much as I can.

It would be nice to have a friend that understands what it's like.



Has your husband only started to disbelieve your diagnosis since you married him, or was his attitude the same pre marriage?

Personally, I'd divorce him. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, but you posted that divorce is not an option. Why is that?


ps - he sounds absolutely vile. Life is too short to remain in a toxic relationship where you are mocked, called names, screamed at and invalidated :mad:
 
Welcome to the Forums Sofia. I think just about every person here has experienced what you are going through in one way or another. My own father will have nothing to do with me and does not believe that I have aspergers. The only advice I can give is not what you want to hear but it is what works for me. I cut ties with "Toxic" people because staying around them just causes me to feel physically ill.
 
have tried bringing this up to him that I do have asperger

How do you bring it up to him?

What worked better for me was never mentioning it.

What I did mention was the 'smaller problems' like noise sensitivity etc etc.
'I am sensitive to noise sometimes,would tou mind being quiet'

Doing research on different ways to approach language and communication in relationships may help.

Not everyone is able to hear or understand aspergers.
You keep mentioning it,you keep getting the same reaction back.

Also, keep a private diary, listing how you communicate each small issue.
Then you dont have to rely on memory .
You can refer back to it, and also keep changing and learn what works best.

Of course, he may be toxic.

Changing your communication style is just one step.

If there is no progress,go with the advice above.
 
Welcome to the Forums Sofia. I think just about every person here has experienced what you are going through in one way or another. My own father will have nothing to do with me and does not believe that I have aspergers. The only advice I can give is not what you want to hear but it is what works for me. I cut ties with "Toxic" people because staying around them just causes me to feel physically ill.

There are so many of us estranged from family members, me included @Ken S. so I do appreciate your situation; however the OP's relationship with her husband is a chosen relationship so the dynamic is not the same.

Unfortunately, we cannot choose our parents, we can only choose to cease or minimise contact with our parents and/or other family members, but the OP has a choice to get rid of this abusive man by divorcing him.

The fallout from ending a chosen relationship is completely different from the fallout dealing with ending a relationship with an unchosen parent; often times with the emotional pain being more severe when ending an unchosen relationship.

Being abused as a child, minimised/invalidated/bullied as a child can shape who we are. We, as children, have no choice but to remain as we're reliant on our parents/caregivers.

The OP can leave. She's an adult. She has a choice.
 
Find a psychologist in your city that has expertise in autism, make an appointment and both of you go.

Then discuss what features of Asperger's are hard for you, and also why his not believing you is upsetting.

Just a warning, in America the term "Aspergers" is not currently used, but the psychologist should know what you mean.
 
He seems unwilling to accept your diagnosis, even despite it being diagnosed by professionals. He doesn't want to hear it, seems fed up with it as an idea, doesn't like the truth.

I notice he is being disrespectful to you on top of this, calling you a little child. This is not necessarily related to not accepting. This needs to be addressed and corrected, it's not a good thing for a relationship. Respect involves taking your feelings into consideration and listening to your side. When your husband is being difficult, say so in the moment. Calmly let him know what he's saying is not respectful and you don't appreciate it. Also, "You're not listening to me and this isn't getting us anywhere. I'm going for a walk." - when he's being unreasonable and back up your words with behavior.

One way or the other there has to be a serious talk that he probably doesnt want to engage in, but it must be kept civil and respectful, at a time where none of you feel emotional and are calm.

Though they say communication is very important, there needs to be time for the couple to relax and enjoy themselves together. Communication doesnt solve issues, and excessive communication can backfire.
 
@Juliettaa Why the lecture on the difference between blood family and chosen relationship? Do you not think I might have a clue of the difference after being with my wife for over 28 years. In both cases we chose to end the relationship even if we had to wait until we were old enough to get out on our own. I thought the reason for the thread was to give advice to the OP not argue among ourselves.
 
@Juliettaa Why the lecture on the difference between blood family and chosen relationship? Do you not think I might have a clue of the difference after being with my wife for over 28 years. In both cases we chose to end the relationship even if we had to wait until we were old enough to get out on our own. I thought the reason for the thread was to give advice to the OP not argue among ourselves.

@Ken S - no lecture intended. I am sorry you read it that way.

I know absolutely nothing about the dynamic of your relationship with your wife as you didn't mention that particular relationship; you posted about your father, which is why I posted about chosen and unchosen relationships.

I wasn't arguing with you either (???) Again, my post seems to have been misconstrued and I am sorry that you chose to read my post as being negative towards you as that was not my intention at all.
 
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Find a psychologist in your city that has expertise in autism, make an appointment and both of you go.

Then discuss what features of Asperger's are hard for you, and also why his not believing you is upsetting.

Just a warning, in America the term "Aspergers" is not currently used, but the psychologist should know what you mean.


I'm interested in the bold bit - in the UK, a lot of therapists will not see a couple where there is any level of abuse. And from the OP's initial post, screaming, name calling, mocking, are all forms of abuse. Do therapists in the US, as a rule, see couples in this kind of situation?
 
Hello everyone. I'm new to this site.
The reason i write here is because i feel so discouraged on a daily basis because my husband, who i do love very much, refuse to believe I have asperger.
I have no one to talk to and I'm wondering if there is anyone else out there that is going through the same thing as me? Or maybe been through it?

My husband is american and I'm currently living with him in usa.
I'm from another country and I got diagnosed with asperger when I was around 8 years old. I have trouble with socializing and I have sensory overload, I'm sensitive to sounds. I get exhausted by being in man-made environments.
Therefore school was very hard for me, the constant stress, anxiety and headaches I had to deal with because of my sensory overload.

Now when i tried telling my husband, that i have this, he try to say that the doctors are wrong, because my country is wrong. And that I just need to get stronger.
When sounds were physically hurting me I started covering my ears and he started screaming at me telling me I act like a little child.

I have tried bringing this up to him that I do have asperger, but I break down in tears because he doesn't understand and I'm so sensitive to rejection. He see me as weak and I believe he think I'm ridiculous. It's to the point he dont listen to anything I say, he responds annoyed I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
And i stay quiet because i don't want to be yelled at.
Sometimes he mocks me when I say something too. I cant talk to him.

Divorce is not a option! I just want to know what can i do? Is there a place in usa where i can reach out? I dont know much about how it works in usa.

I dont know anyone here except my husband and his mother. His mom is just the same behavior as him. I try to avoid her as much as I can.

It would be nice to have a friend that understands what it's like.

I am going through the exact same thing on almost a daily basis. Her family is the same way, and can not understand why I can't adapt.

Welcome to the forums.
 
Your relationship is totally abusive. You need to leave. Divorce can come later. You love him? Excuse me but what is there to love except serious controlling abuse?
There are many free agencies & support groups around in the US, go find some & leave with just your clothes on your back if need be, even to another state if you're in the country. You have no life now, your situation sounds totally horrendous!
 
Your husband is screaming and yelling at you, mocking you, shutting you down, telling you you’re weak and ridiculous... Do you think his abuse will just stop if he finally decides to believe that you’re autistic? His disbelief is part of the abuse, not the cause of it.

You’re in an abusive, toxic relationship, sweetheart. You say you love your husband, but let me assure you that he does not love you. My advice: get ahold of your family in Sweden and ask them to help you return home to your country. Or maybe the Swedish consulate can help you. Divorce needs to become an option. Don’t waste your life with that man.
 
Hello everyone. I'm new to this site.
The reason i write here is because i feel so discouraged on a daily basis because my husband, who i do love very much, refuse to believe I have asperger.
I have no one to talk to and I'm wondering if there is anyone else out there that is going through the same thing as me? Or maybe been through it?

My husband is american and I'm currently living with him in usa.
I'm from another country and I got diagnosed with asperger when I was around 8 years old. I have trouble with socializing and I have sensory overload, I'm sensitive to sounds. I get exhausted by being in man-made environments.
Therefore school was very hard for me, the constant stress, anxiety and headaches I had to deal with because of my sensory overload.

Now when i tried telling my husband, that i have this, he try to say that the doctors are wrong, because my country is wrong. And that I just need to get stronger.
When sounds were physically hurting me I started covering my ears and he started screaming at me telling me I act like a little child.

I have tried bringing this up to him that I do have asperger, but I break down in tears because he doesn't understand and I'm so sensitive to rejection. He see me as weak and I believe he think I'm ridiculous. It's to the point he dont listen to anything I say, he responds annoyed I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
And i stay quiet because i don't want to be yelled at.
Sometimes he mocks me when I say something too. I cant talk to him.

Divorce is not a option! I just want to know what can i do? Is there a place in usa where i can reach out? I dont know much about how it works in usa.

I dont know anyone here except my husband and his mother. His mom is just the same behavior as him. I try to avoid her as much as I can.

It would be nice to have a friend that understands what it's like.
The number of responses in this short amount of time says as much about us as the responses themselves.

I am in a similar situation. My wife has to bend every conversation to her, the troubles she had growing up, or the greatness of her country. For example, when she saw me on this site, her reaction was "You think you have autism? I have autism worse than you! (I have been officially diagnosed)" Yet, she could not tell you what autism or Aspergers is, or describe how it affects people. Her attitude is that everyone has it to a greater or lessor degree, therefore it is perfectly normal, so get over it.
 
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